Er.. Him "Going South"

[Angstriddenmum]

Slightly embarrassing but I really feel like I need to find what other people think. My DH is really into - how can I put it - heading to the tropics. Our drives have always been a bit mismatched (guess which way ) but he wants to do this to me all the time. I love him dearly but it's getting a bit tiresome (the asking, I mean). We seem to have reached a sort of compromise - perhaps every 2 or 3 days - but it never seems to be enough for him, which annoys me. There's lots that I want to get off my chest, TBH. When he does the deed, he keeps telling me how beautiful I am and how lovely I taste (I just think ewwww - keep it to yourself). He is also not asking for any, er, reciprocation (which I am usually quite happy to provide). He just says that he loves making me feel good. I say that I am not in the mood and always thinking about other things (a few family and work probs at the moment). He says that he loves making me stop thinking about things, even for a few seconds. I say that it's just a few seconds of pleasure but then it's back to normal. He says that you could say that about chocolate!

Reading this back I can see that I have really needed to formulate these ideas into a post and this has helped. I still have more to say so I'll follow up.

ARM

Oh Lordy, AF. You must be doing it deliberately. If not, then I am sorry if I didn't make it clear. To any men out there, I am NOT requesting explicit details. I would just like some insight into what might be going on in my husband's head. I have my own idea that I would like to hope is true and it relates to his feelings towards me. But clearly I know nothing, what with allowing myself to be raped nightly and not even realising it.

When you say you enjoy it do you mean that you just enjoy it on a purely physical level in the end, but actually mentally you wish you didn't feel you had to go through with it?

Have to say I am also not quite sure exactly what you are asking.

Neil re show is over. depends on the man?
or on the prescription

But on a more serious note,.he has a point OP, once he has been down and you have reached orgasm is that it all over? Are you wishing he would let you reciprocate so he also came so he would leave you alone a bit longer?

And another question - does he ever actually ask you what you want? (and not in a tell me your fantasies way...in an actually interested in knowing way)

What is it I am doing deliberately ?

This is one of the most bizarre threads I have read on a long time.

I really do not understand it.

Many people have suggested a certain insight into your husband's head. That you don't want to believe is true.

A few have suggested he just likes to give you pleasure. Yet, from your posts, even you don't seem particularly convinced of this.

So, what do you think is going on in his head?

Also, nobody is saying you are being raped.
More like treated like an object.
You do not sound enthusiastic about going along with his wishes, in fairness. More like, an oh, all right then, even if you end up physically enjoying it.

I think we have all done it a few times with partners, but every other day can put a toll on a person.

northern not totally sure what you are getting at
But sometimes perhaps if posters ask the OP of a thread questions, the answers to those questions can draw the OP to a useful conclusion more gently than telling the OP things that whilst she may need to hear them she is not ready to hear.

Also if the OP is not clear as is the case here it may be because the poster is themself not clear about what the issue is.
What may be plain as day to some may not be to others.iyswim.

Lairyfights. I think we've all established that you are correct and this will happen. I still think that insight (and perhaps a smidgin of reassurance - thanks McFox and others) is worth seeking.

Kepek. Another interesting point but I'm convinced it's not correct. He does think of me as a person - you are basing all your evidence on one comment about the tiny % of the time we spend in the bedroom. He is always doing things for me. Tiny, insignificant example (which, I am sure, will attract much mockery). I have noticed that now when he tidies up the sitting room he always turns the cushions around the way that I like. I am perfectly aware that I am a little OCD about this and I have certainly never mentioned this to him or asked him to do it a particular way - I am certain that he doesn't give a damn about the orientation of our cushions (and, TBH, I was pretty certain that it was the sort of thing that he (and most people) wouldn't even notice). I am afraid I used to go round turning them after he left the room. Now I find I no longer have to. To me, this (and many other examples) is pretty solid evidence that he actually thinks about me as a person.

"A little ocd about this" oh dear...

'the answers to those questions can draw the OP to a useful conclusion more gently than telling the OP things that whilst she may need to hear them she is not ready to hear'

This is very true BUT in the context of this thread there is the potential for the unintended consequence. Brutally, the more you share about your sex life, the more details the Op gives, the more explicit insight that people think 'may help', the more chance that there's somebody somewhere getting through more tissues than is healthy. Mumsnet has a huge audience and not everybody is who or what they seem to be. The oft quoted advice from HQ about not giving more than you can afford to lose (or have abused) goes double for intimate sexual details tbh.

By your "own idea and what you hope is true", I assume you mean he sees it as the most intimate and receptive part of you and wants you to like it?
Does he not want to carry on doing it once you've had an orgasm for "some" reason and this is why he wants you to hold off as long as possible?

I really don't care who knows about Mr. Marigolds. It's all from a colorful history.

And I think the obvious sex ones like these are less likely for the tissue mob. A few weeks ago someone posted a "have you ever been dying for the toilet, and what was the situation?" in which a load of posters innocently jumped in with their toilet/soiling stories, before I and others could report it.

Now that's a hairy handed thread.

And I think we've established this isn't a Poo on the face thread like last night.

ARM - why not ask for the thread to be pulled and start another one more with more subtlety if you think it'll help you?

Thanks northern I get what you mean now.

(although it would be a sad day if given the vast depravity of the internet the best thing any lurkers could find to spend their tissues on was a slightly confusing MN thread but I get your point).

Given that OP you might want to ponder some of the questions without sharing and then as suggested discuss with your husband. any questions I have asked were intended for you to consider to see if it helped you clarify the matter and not because i want to expose any details for my or anyone else's entertainment.

Mink. Thanks for your posts. I'm not sure if moving on to something else would be much of a solution - just the same issue with a different focus. TBH I wish I hadn't specified the act at all - it's not the most important issue to me. But, since you ask, I did used to be not entirely comfortable with it, while always enjoying the benefit. I didn't like the thought of him 'being right there' and DH used to have to perform sub-duvet. Again, I am sure this is down to conditioning but it's the way I am. I also couldn't bear to inspect myself, which I know is not a healthy state of affairs. Funnily enough, an unexpected benefit of my recent gyny issues is that I have become more comfortable with him being there since I have asked him to inspect me fairly regularly - a task which, while he has enjoyed (I think), he has done respectfully and with surprising tact.

Also, I know he wants it because he asks. I always feel like such a failure when he does and it really annoys me that he doesn't 'get this' or, if he does, that his desire at that point outweighs this.

I think that your last para is what you need discuss with him. How you feel about him asking. and judge the situation by how that conversation goes.

Good luck OP. I hope you find a solution you are comfortable with.

But that's what I said ages ago Angstriddenmum.

Lweji. That is precisely what people are suggesting - that I am being coerced into sex without my consent. Of course I don't want to believe the interpretation that many people have put on it; that my husband is manipulative, insensitive to my feelings, intent on his own desires and nothing else, objectifying me and so on. Who would? This is not only contrary to the truth but even contrary to what I have posted. I find it astonishing that people read so much into so little. I am not enthusiastic about sex because it is not in my nature. I just don't see it as important (to me) as other people do. But desire is simply not a straightforward concept (for me, at any rate). I have all sorts of reasons for consenting, and they are my mature, thought-through, fully-formed, informed reasons, with the emphasis on the 'my'.

There seem to be a lot of people on mumsnet with their own agenda; they seem to be determined to stamp their own interpretation on issues and not let small things such evidence or truth get in the way. I strongly suspect (although I realise the irony of this interpretation) that they are seeing matters exclusively through the prism of their own poor experiences.

BTW I find it somewhat ironic that I am being accused of being a troll (someone who posts for sexual information?) when actually quite a few others have been asking for little, unnecessary details. And I am being reported for being non-genuine when there are clearly scores of non-genuine posts here. I can assure you that this is a very genuine issue, albeit not as important as many people seem to want to make it!

Also, I am NOT an experienced or long-time mumsnetter, whoever said that. As I think I explained, I have previously set up one thread, years ago, about my concerns about one of my children. I have not spent a lot of time looking through mumsnet - I just looked through a few threads before I posted mine to try to see if it was relevant - I found loads that were far more frivolous, and overtly sexual, than mine.

Gotta at someone calling out "poor experiences" who reads a book during (repetitive and unfulfilling) sex.

Much as I would like to help, it's really not clear what the issue is given that you keep denying there is one.

So apologies but I'm a wee bit sceptical about the reasons for your thread and can see why others are too.

Seriously, what do you read while he's 'down south'?

Readers digest?

Right, I'll sum up what I've deduced then that's it.

The Op doesn't feel comfortable with her husband being down there because she finds it invasive or embarrassing or detatched from things or all 3.
He doesn't like to carry on once she's "finished", (strange, IMO) so he gives her something to read to hold things off.
She doesn't feel able to express her concerns to her DH without offending or disappointing him.
I think she just has to bite the bullet and tell him she doesn't want him to do it anymore. He'll just have to accept it.

Using distraction methods is a bit of a a male technique to hold off on climaxing, is it not ? Why does she need to hold off ?

As I said, all a bit too bizarre for me.

Op, I just wanted to say I'm sorry for some of the utterly rude and obnoxious responses you've received from a few posters. Whilst trolls are an issue I think it was clear from your responses that you were very genuine. Sometimes people find it easier to discuss discreet issues in a faceless forum as it is too personal to admit or discuss with friends. That makes sense to me. I am sad to say that some people on MN are just bullies.

I'd have a candid discussion with your husband op. It doesn't have to be awkward or aggressive, it's clear to me that there is a lot of love in your relationship. Just tell him that you do not enjoy this aspect of your love making as much as he does and you'd rather not do it as much. He loves you and he should understand. It's your body and whilst you want to pls your husband you need to feel 100% comfortable with his actions. Good luck.