Er.. Him "Going South"

[Angstriddenmum]

Slightly embarrassing but I really feel like I need to find what other people think. My DH is really into - how can I put it - heading to the tropics. Our drives have always been a bit mismatched (guess which way ) but he wants to do this to me all the time. I love him dearly but it's getting a bit tiresome (the asking, I mean). We seem to have reached a sort of compromise - perhaps every 2 or 3 days - but it never seems to be enough for him, which annoys me. There's lots that I want to get off my chest, TBH. When he does the deed, he keeps telling me how beautiful I am and how lovely I taste (I just think ewwww - keep it to yourself). He is also not asking for any, er, reciprocation (which I am usually quite happy to provide). He just says that he loves making me feel good. I say that I am not in the mood and always thinking about other things (a few family and work probs at the moment). He says that he loves making me stop thinking about things, even for a few seconds. I say that it's just a few seconds of pleasure but then it's back to normal. He says that you could say that about chocolate!

Reading this back I can see that I have really needed to formulate these ideas into a post and this has helped. I still have more to say so I'll follow up.

ARM

My DH loves to give me oral, he badgers me a bit for it TBH, I tell him straight if I'm not in the mood for it. Lots of men IME like to give and find it a great turn on. I always come but am a bit meh about it personally. I don't know if I could do it 2-3 times a week, I would find that boring.

He doesn't like to carry on once she's "finished", (strange, IMO)

I don't like my DH to continue, preference and all that, innit?

Why must some feel it's ok to be so rude just because the op finds discussing sex or certain terminology uncomfortable, supportive much!

OP do you think that maybe the book is not just to delay things but also perhaps to subordinate / humiliate himself?

I really don't want PMs discussing the OP's sex life so to anyone else that's thinking of sending me one, thanks but no thanks, I won't be responding.

Good luck, OP, hope you manage to resolve your difficulties.

Didn't sleep enough last night - too much going on in my head.

Discussion scheduled for this PM.

I love him dearly but it's getting a bit tiresome (the asking, I mean)
but it never seems to be enough for him, which annoys me
Also, I would like to know if others have the same (not necessarily exactly the same!) tensions in their relationships
*he usually gives me a book to read ... I find this very odd

Doesn't actually sound like you are that into it, op! So he is either badgering you until you give in = coercing. Or you ARE just here to get attention. Him giving you a book stinks to me of him trying to send your mind elsewhere, thus you aren't aware of the sensations from what he is doing to you. Why would he not want you to enjoy the sensations he is giving you? Most (if not all) men I know would be deeply hurt & insulted if their partner picked up a book during any form of sexual contact, I don't think it would occur to them to actually GIVE her a book to read!

I say that I am not in the mood. He says that he loves making me stop thinking about things, even for a few seconds. I say that it's just a few seconds of pleasure but then it's back to normal. He says that you could say that about chocolate! Here you are telling him no. He isn't listening & trying to coerce you into it. I think that is what we have all picked up on as abusive.

I strongly suspect (although I realise the irony of this interpretation) that they are seeing matters exclusively through the prism of their own poor experiences. Nope, I don't have poor experiences wrt bedroom issues. I am seeing this from what you have written. I think it is pretty insulting to say that to the people who have taken time to post & also head off the naysayers & rude/joke making posters!

And a troll isn't just someone who pasts for sexual kicks, but who also posts to inflame, purposefully upset & insult others. Posters here are encouraged to report of they think something might be off, and are within their rights to do so as we do have an awful lot of trolls sometimes. They are not right however, to goad you, be rude to you or joke on your thread at your expense.

Quite frankly, I have tried and am trying to be sympathetic and fully understand your posts ans point of view, but I am more confused than ever about what is it that you want from us.
You want us to confirm your point of view?
Some people will.

However, MNetters are also old foxes at looking at relationships. Often it is the case that outsiders can see the blinding obvious that insiders can't.

I disagree that the OP should talk more with her DH. I keep reading about compromise and it does seem to be discussed. What I'm getting is that the OP seems to be compromising more than she'd want. Maybe. I'm still not clear what your issues really are.

You don't have to be coerced as such, or forced, but there are ways to end up convincing people to do things that they are not happy with. That leads to the possible confusing feelings that you may have and have led to your posting here. That there is something there but you can't quite put your finger on what it is? And that is why you can't quite explain what you want from this forum?

It can be quite difficult to reconcile the concept of abusive behaviour with our partner. And I don't think you'll be able to any time soon. Take time to process it and see how he reacts to you making a stand for what you really want.

Btw, men use techniques to delay pleasure to achieve orgasm at the same time or after their partners. It's not really the case here, though, is it? He just likes to fumble down there.
I don't think it's a wonder you didn't particularly like it at first and have had to get used to it. You probably sensed he wasn't doing it for you and it felt odd. I bet it still does . You should trust your instincts more.
Do you feel loved when he's there and you are reading your book, every other day?

I was going to post but Kepak and Lwejisaid it.

Or to keep HQ happy, a bunch of bitchy behaviours.

So you are not comfortable with sex perhaps because of your upbringing. If it was down to just your physical needs you wouldn't do it at all. You want to do it, intellectually, though because you know it pleases your husband. He is a good man and you want to please him.

However he is pressuring you to do it more and more. You would like him to understand that the frequency with which you are doing it is already a huge compromise for you and that you have come a long way by being able to do it this much. You would like him to stop pressurising you and appreciate the effort you are making.

Have I understood correctly?

I think MajesticWhine may be on to something - the husband may be looking to be submissive - the book, the advance knowledge that the OP will be bored/disapproving etc

I agree wholeheartly with Lottystar.

There is another aspect to consider. You said you are quite OCD. I suspect there may be some power dynamics going on, balancing outside and inside the bedroom, but I think you'd only be able to address those properly through couple's counselling not here.

I think the answer is quite simple....

OP if you are reading ( and listening!)

Your very first post shows you have some hang ups re. oral sex- you talk in twee terms about it and say 'ewwwwww' when he mentions how you taste.

Both of these suggest you are not 100% comfortable with oral sex.

Maybe that's not the case but you need to be honest with yourself .

What strikes me from your posts is a lack of honesty and self awareness, to the extent that you post then minimise your feelings when questions are asked here.

It appears that your DH is performing cunnilingus to satisfy his own needs rather than yours. hence the book- to keep you quiet and 'passive' and not reach orgasm quickly, so he can prolong his pleasure. Bit like a woman suggesting 'delay spray' to a man.

You need to be honest with yourself over whether you see it like this or if it's just a case of him wanting sex ( and whatever that entails) more than you do.

which is it?

It seems obvious to an outsider this is his fantasy he's carrying out to an obsessive degree - regardless that the outcome for you is generally pleasurable, that's almost incidental - he's still, be it ever so gently, putting pressure on you to make him happy by going along with it. I don't think it's an uncommon fantasy - that Nancy Friday book from years ago of men's fantasies had a whole section on men whose greatest turn-on was 'giving women pleasure', usually via long long oral attentions, which they believe is the most thrilling thing a woman could ever dream of, and for some it is, for some it isn't.

You don't need to go along with it, you know. Just tell him gently that there are other things you'd like to do instead -be clear that it's too much and too often. I know that's an awkward conversation to have, but it should be possible to have it without making him feel you were revolted and coerced or 'just putting up with it' all the time in the past, since that's not quite the case.

Some very nasty posts in this thread. To me it doesn't have any tell-tale signs of salacious hairy-handed greed for naughty-story sharing. Either that makes me a 'credulous thicko' or I'm better at reading, but either way if I were someone needing sex advice, after the snide unpleasantness from some on this thread, hell would freeze over before I posted on Mumsnet for opinions.

Argh! You cannot be a bit ocd!

If you actually have ocd, then perhaps that is why "going south" bothers you, that would make sense and explain why you are struggling to get your point across here. :)
But if not, please don't use the phrase, you wouldnt say I have a little bit of chickenpox, would you

But OCD is a spectrum like all disorders, surely? Some people are severely affected, others not quite so much.
Nit picking.

Angstriddenmum please tell us in clear, simple terms, what exactly it is that you would like us to help you with We can only give you advice if we know what your goal is.

Yes it is a spectrum.

But the symptoms of OCD tend to be conflated with being extremely houseproud/tidy/ordered.

But am not going to beat the OP about the head over it nor take the piss out of her for it .

Some of the posters calling her coy/twee and taking the piss via jokes about oral sex come across as far more immature and giggly about sex than the OP ever did.

Maybe the OP just wants to talk about it?

This is such an odd thread.

OP I wasn't trying to say you were having sex without your consent, rather that you are very unenthusiastic and distanced and not often in the mood for your husband's favourite sex act. Is this the problem then or no? Or just that he believes it makes you more intimate, but you feel distanced by it (hence disliking the cuddling afterwards)?

We get you are doing it because you agreed to 'compromise', we get that you do enjoy it once you get going (although mysteriously you are not allowed to just get going but have to delay orgasm- why not just have more than one or go for a reasonable time then stop?!) and we get that despite it not being that important to you, it is to your husband and so you are going along with it.

But- as the other recent posters have said, it all seems a bit 'ewww' and ugh' and it is clear you do not feel relaxed (the duvet bit is the give-away) at all- so clearly it's not that far of a stretch to suggest that you are not really as into it as your husband and that his almost obsessive interest in performing this several times a week is straining things in the bedroom if not elsewhere.

I think you were hoping others would feel the same, but they don't, I sometimes go along with the flow if I'm not exactly in the mood, I'm sure my husband does the same on occasion but a few times a week something that one of us is massively into and the other isn't- well, I do think you are in denial about the impact this would have, and I think the fact that you find it too much and his cuddling too much suggests that it is driving you farther apart rather than closer together.

He's a submissive who is topping from the bottom with a woman who doesn't realise she's been cast into the role of his Domme.

If he were to write a book and create a mentoring program about how he did it, he could make a lot of money on the BDSM circuit

I wasnt nit picking?

The op said she was a bit ocd about cushions, and that reminded me that she said dh talking about how she tasted was "eww". So I suggested that if she did have ocd, maybe that could explain why, even though she says she enjoys it, she doesnt feel comfortable with cunnilingus? I purposely wrote "going south" because I thought, based on her op, that she might be uncomfortable with me saying cunnilingus.

I also pointed out that if she actually doesnt have ocd, it is probably best not to say "a bit ocd", as a lot of people find it offensive. She can do what she wants with that information, but I wanted to give the benefit of the doubt that she didnt know.

I know it went a bit loopy in here last night, but I am trying help