Er.. Him "Going South"

[Angstriddenmum]

Slightly embarrassing but I really feel like I need to find what other people think. My DH is really into - how can I put it - heading to the tropics. Our drives have always been a bit mismatched (guess which way ) but he wants to do this to me all the time. I love him dearly but it's getting a bit tiresome (the asking, I mean). We seem to have reached a sort of compromise - perhaps every 2 or 3 days - but it never seems to be enough for him, which annoys me. There's lots that I want to get off my chest, TBH. When he does the deed, he keeps telling me how beautiful I am and how lovely I taste (I just think ewwww - keep it to yourself). He is also not asking for any, er, reciprocation (which I am usually quite happy to provide). He just says that he loves making me feel good. I say that I am not in the mood and always thinking about other things (a few family and work probs at the moment). He says that he loves making me stop thinking about things, even for a few seconds. I say that it's just a few seconds of pleasure but then it's back to normal. He says that you could say that about chocolate!

Reading this back I can see that I have really needed to formulate these ideas into a post and this has helped. I still have more to say so I'll follow up.

ARM

[ProfessorDent]

This thread has come back from the dead then? It goes back a bit. There was a recent (ie last fortnight) letter in one of the broadsheet papers - the Guardian sex advice page with the prim, sexy blonde agony 'aunt' well if you can call her an aunt, which went into this 'problem' and she said, well, this is a first, but it may be down to fears of emotional commitment or something but she wasn't exactly clear. Maybe find it on their website.

Sounds like maybe your guy is a bit overkeen on the uxorious side of things, a bit craven, often in sex it is the tone of the act that is a turn on/off.

Anyway, when some are new on a site forum they do tend to write in an austere fashion, I did it myself here at first, it is to protect oneself subconciously.

[neiljames77]

I think your husband has a fetish. Some blokes like their woman to carry out domestic chores and mess with them while they're doing it. They want them to do stuff like getting on their hands and knees and clean the oven and not react to what else is going on.
He wants you to be completely oblivious to what he's doing and the compliments he pays you are just a smokescreen really.

[Norland]

The OP's other thread about a child is as 'gushy' as this one. The tone of writing is almost masculine. However, I have met/known women who would write in this way, all of whom were brought up in a rather strict, almost austere home. It was more about being seen to act in the correct fashion.

So OP, if you grew up in a vicarage, then that would explain to me your style of prose. If you're genuine - as the Mods seem to believe - then I suggest you engineer a situation (newspaper article, prog on R4, recently read book) where you have a frank and open discussion about sexual peccadilloes. If you're really as sexually naive as you've intimated, then look up a list of explicit books/films and broaden your knowledge.

Did you fall in love with your husband, or were you a good match for each other?

[Jaffacakesallround]

I think the OP has an issue with reading posts correctly.

She accused me of behaving badly and said I needed to look at my actions when a) I was 1 of the first posters to criticise the bitchy comments and try to offer constructive support, and b) my post about her not being around any more was another attempt to stop the stupid comments being added...

but she seems to have ignored each and doesn't evidently feel the need to apologise for her misunderstanding.

No doubt she'll now come back and say she's being goaded into saying sorry

[differentnameforthis]

Tonandfeather Wed 08-Jan-14 00:44:26 = I guess the book wasn't "How To Win Friends and Influence Them"?

[differentnameforthis]

And gosh, differentname, that was a witty joke. You clearly did take a long and critical look at yourself, as suggested, and I am sure that you have won many friends and influenced many people in this rather strange community. You can be truly proud of yourself.

WTF op? Actually trying to defend you as others are criticising your attitude...

The highlighted part was written by someone else, I said you had balls for calling people on their bullshit.

But thanks for the criticism....

[LittleSweetheart]

What a weird thread! OP, you shouldn't let your 'darling' husband treat you like a piece of meat. He might be lovely in some other ways, but that does not mean he respects you. Anyway, good luck. I think you might need it.

[YetAnotherHelenMumsnet]

Hello all,
Thanks to those who have reported this thread, we always appreciate feedback as you know, however we have had a good couple of looks now and cannot find any reasons for concern.

[Lazyjaney]

"much easier simply to lay into the OP"

Just don't go Down South, though

OP, you asked for opinions, you got them, you don't like many of them - that's fine - but berating people for not seeing things your way is a bit OTT.

[MajesticWhine]

As I was trying to say earlier people love talking about sex and the more bizarre or salacious the problem, the more people will be attracted to the thread, with all respondents have their own motivation for wanting to contribute. Also people often post in-genuine stories for the purposes of generating sexual chat, for kicks rather than with a genuine problem. And perhaps your thread did look like this, hence the unpleasant contributions.

However you also had a lot of thoughtful and genuine contributions. So maybe you could just ignore the unhelpful ones and take what you want from this (if anything). I am not sure why you regret mentioning the book. It is an interesting point, and indicative of a certain dynamic between you and your H in the bedroom, and it might be worth thinking about that. However if it really doesn't bother you, then just forget the whole thing. But you have every right to be bothered about it, and to get your needs met in your sex life, not just his. You must be a bit bothered to have posted here. Sorry that the thread did not go as you had hoped.

[Lweji]

If it helps, and you don't seem to have that experience of MN, threads often derail, people focus on tiny details, can be tired (particularly late at night).
It is fairly common that threads derail.

However, and in fairness, it was a bit difficult to understand what was it that you really wanted advice on.
In any case, people can sometimes be very insightful from details that you don't think are important, but turn out to be. It wouldn't be the first time that people get advice they didn't ask for, and even they don't want to hear, but that is important, and in some cases has changed lives.

So, I do recommend that you do the same as you have asked of people, which is to read the comments carefully, (apart from troll hunting and taking the piss) and reflect on your relationship, if you haven't. It's not clear from your post if you have actually resolved what bothered you to your satisfaction, if your OH just took your point of view on board for a while (it is likely) and will revert to pressuring you, or if you have just minimised it and found a way of coping with a situation you are not comfortable with. You don't have to answer this, but just for you to think about it.

Also, and in spite of some pp not being helpful understatement or missing the point apparently, I do think some important points were raised. Up to you what you do with them.
I'd stop being confrontational with pp, if you want proper advice. Otherwise, you'll just be as guilty of derailing the thread and feeding the aggressive comments. I'd start a new thread, or just take it on the chin and ignore certain comments.

[MajesticWhine]

Oops fail sorry

[MajesticWhine]

People love talking about sex. And particularly

[neiljames77]

ARM, why don't you ask MNHQ to delete the thread, then you wouldn't run the risk of being offended any further. Advice has been offered and opinions have been given. I know there has been posts that have upset you and you've already said how unwelcome these are. Apart from a detailed analysis from a behavioural psychologist into why your dh does this, I can't see what else can be said on the matter really.

[Angstriddenmum]

Again, can't sleep - as always too much going on in my head. Peculiar, Beyond the limits, that my insomnia always seems to happen at night - a very strange coincidence, this, and a clear indication that I am up to no good. I still find it utterly extraordinary that, in spite of requesting no explicit details and in spite of the fact that many posters have specifically requested intimate personal details from me and in spite of the fact that I have given none except what I felt would help in context, I am the one who is accused of being a troll. I made one reference, in passing and in a clearly light-hearted aside, to the now infamous book and I dearly, dearly wish I had not. Retrospectively, I would not have made this thread about "going south" or since you seem to prefer it, cunnilingus, at all but about generic intimate acts. Perhaps it would then have attracted less unwelcome attention.

As I said my one previous use of mumsnet was a thoroughly positive experience. The context was an issue with one of my sons and it attracted just people who were sympathetic, had similar issues or wanted to contribute thoughtful and thought-provoking ideas. Why is it, do you suppose, that when I start a thread relating to sex (although in fact the nub of the thread is about the marital relationship) that so many posters are suddenly attracted to it? Do you not feel that, as a community, this is a far from healthy sign? Oh no, self-reflection is not a readily observable phenomenon here - much easier simply to lay into the OP.

And gosh, differentname, that was a witty joke. You clearly did take a long and critical look at yourself, as suggested, and I am sure that you have won many friends and influenced many people in this rather strange community. You can be truly proud of yourself.

[MrMistakes]

I think you finding it hard to use some of the words and phrases surrounding this (even on the internet where no one even knows who is speaking) sends signals you might be a little bit repressed sexually?

The fact that your DH wants to do this is a really good thing in the main...it means he finds you very attractive, means he wants to please you, means he enjoys making you happy.

Getting you to read a book sounds odd to me...? I thought I had heard it all. I'd be really put off sex if my wife was reading a book! it almost sounds a little fetishist...like he enjoys the fact that you're not that into it or something?

[NorthernLurker]

I think this thread has had its uses.

[Mignonette]

Beyond



Hope you feel better soon.

[BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability]

Bollocks I didnt mean to post that here, thought I had reported and put it in the comment

Sorry, I was slightly doped up on painkillers

[MinkBernardLundy]

I am a lot clearer about things and a lot happier

That is the main thing OP. Sorry the thread got out of hand, Your life is as you say, just that.

[Lizzabadger]

I'm glad you're making progress, ARM.

[Jaffacakesallround]

Oh and by the way ARMmy comment that you weren't coming back was not even aimed at you. It was aimed at the people who carried on posting unkind comments at your expense.

I'm surprised you couldn't see that, but instead chose to see it as a criticism of yourself, and subsequently lash out.

[Thetallesttower]

Op, if you are a regular on MN, you will know that topics such as this, which let's face it, were somewhat taboo in your own home and in your own post to the point you made euphemisms and hid under the duvet, are also fairly taboo in wider society.

For this reason, people are more likely to call troll (as we have had trolls posting for sexual kicks many times on this board), make jokes, and generally show their own discomfort. In-between this you have received lots of good advice and sensible suggestions.

I didn't post on this thread as I am interested in your sex life, but to help you as you asked for help and advice. Update if you want, don't if you don't. You are not obliged to provide 'entertainment' and I haven't viewed your thread in that light, so if you want to step back now, then I would do so. Don't update on my account, only if it would be helpful for you.

[Jaffacakesallround]

Crikey- that's all I can say.

Read more carefully OP.

FWIW I was one of the first posters to come to your support and condemn the nasty comments, way back in your thread.

Rounding on me in the way you have when I said that I thought the thread was finished as you had not responded for some time, is very very unfair.

I never ever joined the bandwagon of bitchy posters so I am rather [shocked] that you lump me with the others.

I think actually you need to look at your own rant rather than turning on other people so harshly.