Er.. Him "Going South"

[Angstriddenmum]

Slightly embarrassing but I really feel like I need to find what other people think. My DH is really into - how can I put it - heading to the tropics. Our drives have always been a bit mismatched (guess which way ) but he wants to do this to me all the time. I love him dearly but it's getting a bit tiresome (the asking, I mean). We seem to have reached a sort of compromise - perhaps every 2 or 3 days - but it never seems to be enough for him, which annoys me. There's lots that I want to get off my chest, TBH. When he does the deed, he keeps telling me how beautiful I am and how lovely I taste (I just think ewwww - keep it to yourself). He is also not asking for any, er, reciprocation (which I am usually quite happy to provide). He just says that he loves making me feel good. I say that I am not in the mood and always thinking about other things (a few family and work probs at the moment). He says that he loves making me stop thinking about things, even for a few seconds. I say that it's just a few seconds of pleasure but then it's back to normal. He says that you could say that about chocolate!

Reading this back I can see that I have really needed to formulate these ideas into a post and this has helped. I still have more to say so I'll follow up.

ARM

[AnyFucker]

Actually, I would feel very fucking irritated by some bloke who carried on mindlessly doing something so repetitive

Nerve endings can only take so much, and mine get short circuited very quickly in that area

I wouldn't come on here and bleat about it though, I would have a strong word. Which is basically the advice that OP appears intent on dismissing.

[BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability]

Crux of the issue, he is putting his needs to do things to you above you wanting to have them done. How he distracts or persuades you is irrelevant really.

I think you and him need a serious chat.

[Angstriddenmum]

I feel a bit rude not responding to the posts that I feel are genuine so if you are in this category and I don't address your point, my apologies. But this is a bit like a hydra (is this right?) - you chop off a head and another 7 grow to replace it.

Twinklestein. I like the analogy. But the fact is (and I've said this repeatedly) that I DO enjoy it. It's just not high on my priorities right now. And I don't seem to find doing it as important as most other people. And, I suppose, the answer is that if I enjoyed doing that, and he either enjoyed it or enjoyed the fact that I did then, yes why not. (I don't, BTW, and neither, I am sure, would he).

Yes, the needy business is part of the issue and yes, I do think I will have to bite the bullet and try to get to the bottom (sorry) of this.

Cantaloupe and tallest tower. Again, you have missed the point that I do enjoy it and, whatever people might think, I am not being forced into anything.

Hedgehead. Yes, that is worrying me but maybe I'm thinking about it too much. After all, we all have our likes and dislikes. But it's just the recent change (ie he would now rather give than receive which seems a bit odd given our different drives).

Random mess. I'm not really a cuddly sort of person. Again, it's a bit unfair on DH because I do like to be cuddled when I need it and I expect him to be able to tell the difference. But men (I have always found) are so much worse at reading the signals.

Just to reiterate, the things I find irritating are:

1. the fact that even though I compromise it's never enough - he always wants more. And yes, I think the solution is to talk about this.

1. the whole clingy thing. And yes, the chat will cover this aspect too.

More to follow!

[Lweji]

I'd feel like a bloody blow up doll if someone asked me to read a book while he did anything to my body.

[MajesticWhine]

I think it sounds unhealthy. My take on this is that the bloke in this scenario is feeling guilt; and an attempt to reduce feelings of guilt is often at the heart of fetishes and sadomasochism. He perhaps harbours secret guilt about his desire for sexual pleasure so he has to over compensate by being the giver. Or he slavishly worships her (pussy) because he would actually like to be slavishly worshipped himself. He assuages his guilt and so is able to feel sexual pleasure. All this by the way is unconscious. This is the Freudian / psychoanalytic spin.

[differentnameforthis]

LineRunner It is an unusual situation / thread, though, to be fair and what? That gives everyone the right to ridicule the op? I am so pleased that my time on MN hasn't turned me into someone whose immediate thought is to ridicule & not support!!

It probably isn't that unusual a problem to be honest, it is just that not many people would have the guts to post it, and surely you can see why?

[Thetallesttower]

In your OP, you say that you tell him you are not in the mood and you are thinking of other things, but he still wants it more often. Sorry, but that, and the word 'compromise' sounds like you don't enjoy it all the time. You don't say you enjoy it all the time at all or at least that isn't clear from your OP.

But if you do enjoy it, and it's just the frequency (is he pestering you on other days as well?) then my advice still stands- you need better boundaries and a frank chat.

You just sound like you are being 'done unto' rather than it being a mutual sexual experience. It may be you consent, but are you involved? That's why people are focusing on the book, because it suggests an unusual level of detachment from the intimacy of it, and that seems to be serving a purpose for your husband and not for you.

I am surprised you are surprised the thread went this way, really, if you have been on MN a long time.

[neiljames77]

Ha, I wouldn't go quoting Freud! He'd find sexual reference in something as mundane as opening a jar of pickled onions.

[Newyearchanger]

Still don't get the question...tell him no if you want?

[MinkBernardLundy]

ARM I think I do to a certain extent get where you are coming from.
I can be pretty frank but can find some things hard to talk about especially if I fear the other persons reaction or hurt feelings.
He thinks he is being super nice so you don't want to rain on his parade? (no pun intended).
But I think you do need to say something. Tell him you do enjoy it but don't want it or the pressure to have it all the time. also tell him you are not comfortable with him talking about it.

You do say though this is a recent development. maybe he will go off oral soon and move on to something else.

But you still need to let him know when enough is enough too much.

[Angstriddenmum]

Livid. Thanks for the summary (mention of book unnecessary!). What I would really like is for him to be pleased with the fact that I am compromising to suit him. ie for us to be meeting in the middle and not always trying to pull me towards his preferred frequency. Just to repeat (for everyone) he does not nag and understands when I say no. But I just find it annoying that he does not appreciate how far I've come (and yes, I have said that much to him).

Jaffacake. That's an interesting viewpoint and I really hadn't thought of it like that. However, in my mind there IS a very real difference between the two forms of sex - this might well be illogical but that's certainly how I feel. In any case, there is no question at all of him doing something to me that I don't want - I just want it for different reasons than simple sexual desire.

Thanks, strongmum and clockwatcher.

Lweji. I'm sorry but I just don't get "He's pleasuring himself at the OP's expense". It's not 'costing' me anything. I love my husband dearly and enjoy sex with him. I also enjoy him doing something that he likes doing (although I have to say, I don't understand why - any male insight out there?). We are in a partnership, not a battle.

[Lweji]

Do you really think he is convinced he's doing ARM a favour? Really?
Or is that just an excuse?
If he really wanted to be nice to her he'd be asking her what she wants and likes. That she has to debate the whole thing with him, with him justifying it, is highly suggestive that he is doing it for himself rather than the OP.

[differentnameforthis]

So, he likes a good old lick of your pussy and you have a problem with this?? you is mad!

Really? So someone who doesn't like oral sex is mad? She should just lie back & like it because, well...it's oral sex?

Do you not understand that she is taking part in something sexual, not because she wants to, but because her dh wants to? She is giving into a sexual act to please her dh. Elsewhere on this board woman have been told that is assault.

The thread on here where a women complained about her dh sulking because she refused sex got better replies than this. Is that because the op the wrote it better? But really, this is more of an issue because the op feels coerced into a sex act, where as on that thread, the op didn't give in. What makes one more worthy than the other of serious support?

Is it because woman still can't understand how some other women don't like getting oral sex? There are lots of sexual acts & not everyone likes them all. I don't know why some on this thread are having a huge problem knowing that!

The op is a victim here, a victim of coercive sex & she is being told that she is mad...nice bit of victim blaming there!

Oh & of course her posts are getting defensive.

[Lweji]

Look, I wouldn't be happy. If you are happy, that's fine.
In that case, why are you here?

[Newyearchanger]

What do you want from the thread?

[ButICantaloupe]

Cantaloupe and tallest tower. Again, you have missed the point that I do enjoy it and, whatever people might think, I am not being forced into anything.

Then, if I'm honest, I really don't get the point if your post.

[MinkBernardLundy]

ARM you enjoy but do you also in some way feel that oral sex is wrong? (the two are not mutually exclusive)

And there is a difference between the physical enjoyment of sex (arousal and orgasm) and the mental enjoyment of it. is your pleasure just physical?

I am not asking to attack you, just trying to clarify.

But lots of men do enjoy it and some view it as a necessary chore and others hate it. much like women and oral sex. So the fact he likes it is not in itself surprising

i understand what you mean about how you wish he was happy with the compromise. but, if as you say he is not pressuring you then, how do you know he wants sex more often? (again a serious question - how is he letting you know? )

[neiljames77]

Angstriddenmum, are you asking what blokes actually get out of doing this and can't understand the attraction?

[Lairyfights]

The only way this will be sorted is by talking to him! He's your husband, it's your sex life. He's obviously a decent husband, there's nothing in this thread to suggest you can't just sit down like adults and talk about your sex life!

[differentnameforthis]

I too am concerned about the book. To me, it sounds like he wants your focus elsewhere & not on what he is doing.

Surely the point of oral sex is that you orgasm, why does he feel the need to delay your orgasm? If YOU wanted to delay it, that would be different.

But giving you a book to me, says he wants to get his fix without it ending too soon...which isn't good in my book!

[JollySantersSelectionBox]

ARM I think it was important that you did mention the book. If you felt uncomfortable about it even slightly.

With the book - are you sure it's not a fantasy? (in his mind are you the local librarian and he is sneaking under the desk for example)

The whole oral thing for him is definitely verging on a fetish. The trouble with fetishes is, when one person ends up only being able to function within that narrow perimeter, and the other person wants more variety then it can get very stale and resentful for the latter.

Thus spake the person who wanked someone off exclusively wearing marigolds for over a year. Eventually it took me right over the edge.

I love a bit of growler nuzzling don't get me wrong. But on a bi-daily basis - ughhh just the sheer quantities of saliva on the sheets and up yer bum crack. Some nights you just want to watch University Challenge and pick your feet in bed.

Were you affectionate once though, have you regressed somewhat in affection levels? Is he perhaps clinging onto something he thinks makes you happy?

[AnyFucker]

OP, I thought you were not here for details about other people's sex lives

And there you go asking blokes on here what they get out of oral sex

Your posts are a bit contradictory, dude

[neiljames77]

I'm probably being ignorant or something here but do you think once you've reached orgasm, that's it, shows over? It is for a man but not for a woman, is it?
Or is it like having your feet tickled? When it's gentle tickling, it's ok but if she uses her nails it's too ticklish and unbearable.

[NorthernLurker]

There is no way that detailed sexual speculation or 'insight' on this thread will help the OP - either with her vocabulary or in determining what her issue is. May I suggest therefore that people steer well clear of that?

[HanselandGretel]

He sounds controlling, making you the 'prop' for his what seems to me can only be described as a 'fetish'. You obviously have issues with it from your post. He is coercing you into this, it's a bit grim reading really, a book ffs?? If it doesn't sit comfortable with you then time to make your feelings clear to him, sounds like you are pandering at the moment.