Er.. Him "Going South"

[Angstriddenmum]

Slightly embarrassing but I really feel like I need to find what other people think. My DH is really into - how can I put it - heading to the tropics. Our drives have always been a bit mismatched (guess which way ) but he wants to do this to me all the time. I love him dearly but it's getting a bit tiresome (the asking, I mean). We seem to have reached a sort of compromise - perhaps every 2 or 3 days - but it never seems to be enough for him, which annoys me. There's lots that I want to get off my chest, TBH. When he does the deed, he keeps telling me how beautiful I am and how lovely I taste (I just think ewwww - keep it to yourself). He is also not asking for any, er, reciprocation (which I am usually quite happy to provide). He just says that he loves making me feel good. I say that I am not in the mood and always thinking about other things (a few family and work probs at the moment). He says that he loves making me stop thinking about things, even for a few seconds. I say that it's just a few seconds of pleasure but then it's back to normal. He says that you could say that about chocolate!

Reading this back I can see that I have really needed to formulate these ideas into a post and this has helped. I still have more to say so I'll follow up.

ARM

Someone's got to mention a trip up the oxo tower sooner or later!

I agree with NorthernLurker - if there's a problem with your sex life you need to talk to the person you're having sex with. So if you don't want to have oral sex then you need to tell your DH that.

You haven't done wrong thing, it just seems like a lot of people have decided to chip in without the slightest intention of being useful and/or adult your issue.

If your DH wants to feel closer to you, maybe starting by talking to him about sex would be a good start? Have a glass of wine and get this out in the open - if he doesn't know how you really feel, and you cant tell him, then no amount of going down on you is going to bring you closer.

Tbf, there are a number of popular holiday destinations north of 23° 26' 14.675.

I agree that I need to talk to DH but it seems quite sensible to me to try to find out how usual/unusual this incompatibility is. And also what approaches other people take. And also whether other people feel the same way as me (or, indeed, DH) in order to gain further insights.

Thanks to those of you who have posted genuinely and helpfully but I was not prepared for the level of ridiculing, in-joking and general impoliteness my post would generate. I wouldn't dream of laughing at someone else's problem, less still their request for help. All most discouraging.

Get you with your longitude and latitude!

x posted.

Op - this website has a huge audience now. I think the level of intimacy you seem to be looking for is ill suited to this arena so yes, you will get some replies you weren't looking for. I have given you one genuine and helpful piece of advice though. Take it or not.

I keep wanting to break into a rendition of Mississipi. The band Pussycat sang it in the 70s, which seems quite apt.

I'm not sure I understand people who are having sex but can't talk about it so I don't think I can be of help. If he also talks in euphemisms, the potential for misunderstandings must increase commensurately. How about you say you enjoy oral sex but want it less frequently and other - accurately named - things more?

Thanks, McFox and I agree. But it seems to be different for men. I really want to understand where he's coming from - I am sure that this would help both of us (and if I could get him to try to understand me... although I suspect that this will be harder).

Oh it's the men thing, they don't get the biggest turn on is 50%+ of the housework being done without asking!

keep your knickers on calm down op, it's just light hearted banter

I think mismatched desire can be pretty common, whatever form that is. If you don't want oral sex as frequently as he does then you need to find a happy medium. If 2/3 times a week is too much than tell him that.

The book thing is odd though

No, Tonandfeather. He speaks quite explicitly and I find that a bit uncomfortable. I have already said that talking explicitly about sex is not my thing. I am sorry about that but it's just the way I am and was probably caused by my upbringing, which I was unable to select from a catalogue but which was foisted upon me by my parents. I only wish I were perfect like you...

Have you thought about some form of counselling to address your issues? I'm being deadly serious btw, what you are experiencing is more common than you think & you would probably find it very helpful to explore why sex (both talking about it and doing it) makes you feel uneasy.

I don't think that incompatibility is unusual at all, there tends to be quite a few people posting similar issues. It's not something I've ever had a problem with, and I'm pretty forthright with my partners about what i want and don't anyway, so I'm not really sure how to advise you. Maybe someone who had more experience in this will come along.

All I can say is that as you have acknowledged, you need to talk to him frankly. If you aren't bring fully open with him, then I can understand that he might be seeing this as a way to get closer to you. If that's not working for you, then you need to be honest about that.

Sorry that I can't be of any more help - and please ignore the rudeness and pisstakers.

stella69x. At the risk of being accused of showing off again, he's actually pretty good with the housework; he does vacuum, puts on and hangs out washing, strips and makes beds, does his fair share of cooking and dealing with the children (although he would never do these things without instructions, which irritates me since I have to do all the thinking, and he never touches ironing or toilets). He's a pretty good husband and we get along fine. I just find it annoying that he's never satisfied even though he gets more sex than I would give him based on my desire alone.

So you're uncomfortable talking about sex and you decide to start a post with very intimate details of your sex life?

I think what you're after is for people to post intimate details of THEIR sex lives.

I hope they won't.

hoppingmad. I'm not really a counselling kind of person. I'm really not uneasy about "doing it" - I enjoy sex but would just not choose to do it as often as DH. I don't particularly enjoy talking about it. I am also slightly confused about DH's present obsession with giving oral sex (There. Said it. No travel metaphores. Satisfied? Clearly, mumsnet therapy is working already).

Op, if you are not new on Mn, you must have seen LOTS of threads on mismatched sexdrives, though usually they are much more mismatched (like one partner doesn't want sex more than once a month, the other likes it daily). Of course not unusual! how can it be, we are all individuals.
I understand him giving you a book - it's obvious that he wants to prolong the experience for himself as he can never get enough, while if not reading, you come to quickly and have to finish. You haev to agree it sounds quite funny though picturing a woman reading a book durting sex!
Tbh i'd fimd it quite 'yuk' if a partner pestered me all the time, or ever every other day, for the same thing. God, you must be quite sore down there (sorry if too frank!). I'd finmd it yukky him clinging and strokling me afterwards EVERY time, but I'm not into this much personally. Some women would love it - as you can read on here! Not all men crave oral sex that often, since you ask. Some don't do it at all. I think you should be more firm, and tell him that clinging puts you off. I doubt that you are both very young, surely he can restrain himself or genuinely get busier with exercise or something to let off steam! Agree to a frequency that you actually WANT to have.

Ton, there's a big difference between saying these things out loud and asking people for advice online. Some people just aren't comfortable doing the former, just like some people aren't comfortable seeing someone being unnecessarily goaded for asking for help. Back off.

Tonandfeather. TBH I think you are a bit of a wind-up merchant. I've already made it very clear that I am not expecting intimate details of people's sex lives. I am aware that I had to reveal intimate details of mine, although I did this in a modest way that people then instantly mocked, and I could bring myself to do this because of the anonymity of the internet. Just as I am sure in real life that you are a polite person when you meet a total stranger.

'no travel metaphores' haha!
If it helps, I don't like talking about sex either, it's defimitely action over words for me too, and I really hate it when a man wants a 'dirty talk' - I find it too ridiculous to take seriously, and very distractring from the feeling, we really are all different, and you don't owe anyone, even your H, to be just like them!

sorry for typos, missed my bedtime

Thanks beagle. Some interesting stuff. All my previous stuff on mumsnet has been about my children (hence my nickname) and quite a long time ago. TBH I do find the clinging a bit much but I try to see it from his PoV.

I agree with you about the book - I thought it was most odd but I go along with it partly to please him and partly because I never have enough time to read in my typical day (and I know this sounds even more odd!)

As it happens, I am quite sore though not for that reason, I'm sure (as I said, it never lasts too long). I have been to the gyny for a check-up on biopsy (ouch!) and I am still awaiting results. But I reckon it's the on-coming menopause (yes, we aren't young).

beagle. I totally agree. I find it the hardest thing to balance. I do want to please him but I do want to be my own person. But I certainly find it frustrating when he doesn't do things (eg tidy up) the way I want him to and when there's no good reason not too. Perhaps he feels the same way...?