Er.. Him "Going South"

[Angstriddenmum]

Slightly embarrassing but I really feel like I need to find what other people think. My DH is really into - how can I put it - heading to the tropics. Our drives have always been a bit mismatched (guess which way ) but he wants to do this to me all the time. I love him dearly but it's getting a bit tiresome (the asking, I mean). We seem to have reached a sort of compromise - perhaps every 2 or 3 days - but it never seems to be enough for him, which annoys me. There's lots that I want to get off my chest, TBH. When he does the deed, he keeps telling me how beautiful I am and how lovely I taste (I just think ewwww - keep it to yourself). He is also not asking for any, er, reciprocation (which I am usually quite happy to provide). He just says that he loves making me feel good. I say that I am not in the mood and always thinking about other things (a few family and work probs at the moment). He says that he loves making me stop thinking about things, even for a few seconds. I say that it's just a few seconds of pleasure but then it's back to normal. He says that you could say that about chocolate!

Reading this back I can see that I have really needed to formulate these ideas into a post and this has helped. I still have more to say so I'll follow up.

ARM

he claims it's about your pleasure but if he is pestering you, then he doesn't have your pleasure in mind. It's his.

you need to discuss this and explain that it's hard to enjoy something you feel pressured into going along with. Your body is yours. it's not his toy.

his head is not going to explode if he can't go down on you one week to give you a break. I'd he can't go without for a few days he needs to manage that addiction. it's not fair to use you like this, this often.

When I last posted on mumsnet it was about my oldest boy. I easily found the appropriate thread, posted my questions, had a small number of lovely, appropriate and relevant responses from people either with a similar issue or with some good insight or, at least, generally trying to help. I posted some more thoughts and responses and got some more ideas, insights and information and was generally a lot happier about it all. I can't believe some of the responses to this thread - although I appreciate some helpful and supportive posts trying to shine through.

In fact, what this is doing is making me feel better about DH who is a lovely and caring man and a good father to my children. I can't believe that I'm complaining about him showing his feelings for me even if he is doing it if not for selfish reasons then, at least, entirely within the prism of his own desires (thanks for that insight spindly). No, he is not at all controlling - if anything, it is me who is the controlling one in the relationship and (outside the bedroom) I make him do lots and lots of things that I know that he doesn't really want to do or wouldn't do as often. I am not a victim here. I just want my marriage to be as happy as possible.

I am totally astonished by the absolutism shown here. He wants sex a lot. I want it less often. I therefore compromise. I would have thought that this was quite normal. I am not forced or nagged into it and DH does understand that no means no. When we have sex I have no problems with engaging in it. I do enjoy it - it's just not that important to me. I've got so much other stuff going on in my life right now that sex is just not high up there on the list. This doesn't feel unhealthy to me - it feels like the give and take of any relationship. I expect another barrage of ridicule now but I would appreciate it if others out there understand - I would like to be reassured that it's not just me!

OP, I do think you need to talk to him about the elements that you yourself say sound odd.

I am seriously curious about what you read. Your choice? His? It's all about the dynamic.

I agree with you that compromise is necessary on occasions, but the compromise really shouldn't be you putting up with unwanted oral sex while reading a book to take your mind off it- can't you see how bizarre that sounds? A real compromise would be that he would take care of himself more often, and this would only be limited to when you actually wanted it, which he doesn't sound like he really cares about:(

Even worse, you are not allowed to just enjoy yourself for a short while, you have to read boring books to make it last longer...for him!

Really, this is not something you hear everyday, I'm sorry you feel got at on this thread, but you have had some good advice as well about re-establishing your own boundaries and responding to your own desires, I think it's all about him at the moment.

I'm sure he cares about you OP but he's not that bothered whether you enjoy oral sex or not as long as he gets to do it.

You need to explain sexual boundaries to him. If one partner is just not that into it, it's not right to carry on.

Would you insist on sticking a finger up his bottom irrespective of whether he actually likes it or not? And suggest he goes on his ipad while you carry on wiggling?

His sexuality sounds quite insensitive, pawing and based more on his needs than your own.

You have the right to be heard and to say what you do and don't want, I don't think you believe that currently.

He is also not asking for any, er, reciprocation (which I am usually quite happy to provide). He just says that he loves making me feel good. I say that I am not in the mood and always thinking about other things (a few family and work probs at the moment). He says that he loves making me stop thinking about things, even for a few seconds. I say that it's just a few seconds of pleasure but then it's back to normal. He says that you could say that about chocolate!

So, even when you tell him you are not enjoying yourself, and are thinking about other things, he tells you that he's doing it for you (clear not!) and to just get on with it.

This is a bit like eating chocolate- but force-feeding you chocolate when you are already full. Naturally in this situation, you would start going off chocolate. He is turning you off chocolate by insisting that you eat it when you don't want it and that it is done for your benefit when it is clearly for his!

OP, if your DH is as loving and understanding as you say he is then you should be able to talk to him about this, if not you should seek counselling as PP's have suggested.

If you are uncomfortable with this intimacy it shouldn't happen.

TBH why don't you ask him to spend half an hour cuddling and chatting to you about what is on your mind before moving on to sex, you will probably be far less distracted with what is going on in you head and enjoy it far more. Worth a try at least?

Angstriddenmum, I'm a little confused (feel a bit groggy at the mo) about what exactly it is you'd like to change, so have I got this right...

Your husband has a higher sex drive than you. You compromise and sometimes have sex when not in the mood, although you always enjoy it.

Your husband is very keen on giving you oral sex. He likes to spend longer doing it than you'd like. You orgasm quickly from it, and because he wants to take longer than you he gives you a book to read at the same time to distract yourself (to delay your orgasm).

You don't like how he talks about how much he enjoys giving you oral, how he loves how you taste etc.

You get irritated by all the cuddles he gives you.

Are these your issues?
What would you like him to do or stop doing?
If you found discussing these issues easy what would you be saying to him?

ARM

I think it's a shame that you are being ridiculed by some posters for not using the type of language they prefer, but also because they are minimising your problem.

What's happening with your DH seems to be about control- him controlling you by doing what HE wants and expecting you to be grateful.

I don't know why you insist he is NOT controlling because if something is happening which pleases him but doesn't please you- yet you are afraid to tell him- then that is about control.

If he was having penetrative sex with you against your wishes there would be an uproar here: this is no different- he's doing something to you that you don't want at the time.

Are you saying you don't want sex as much as he does- or that you don't want oral sex as much or at all? You seem to be moving on from the oral sex issue to different libidos throughout your posts.

I'm a bit confused now over what you see as the problem- the wrong sort of touching/contact - or just too much of it?

I must admit that when I was younger, I had been led to believe that all women loved having this done. That was until an ex girlfriend stopped me during the act and asked me if I was doing it for her benefit or mine. I told her I liked doing it but it was mainly for her. She told me not to bother because she wasn't all that keen on it and preferred just the sex itself.
She said she felt too conscious about me being THAT "up close and personal" to her. She thought it was too invasive to have my face down there and felt uncomfortable.
Is this how you feel about OP?

I've been to Paradise, but I've never been to meeeeee....

I've not really got anything to add other than support to the OP, you've had some bitchy replies which you've not deserved. Shame on some of the posters on here

It is an unusual situation / thread, though, to be fair.

for not lining up with the usual credulous thickos?

That's really rude.

Sorry you've had such poor treatment on this thread, OP.

Hi everyone,

Thanks for your reports. We've taken a look and can't see anything to suggest the OP isn't genuine, so we'd really appreciate it if the troll-hunting comments could be avoided.

Are you saying you think he might be a bit addicted to doing it? That he's not really thinking about how you feel and more what HE wants? And there is the expectation that you should be enjoying it/want it just as /often/be grateful for it?

Because I can see how that would be an issue...

Op, I don't have any particular advice, but wanted to say that I can totally understand why this bothers you and why you'd want to talk it through.

As for some of the unpleasant and idiotic comments upthread, I hope you can let them roll off your back.
Shameful nonsense.

Good luck with it.

Yeh all you can do is talk to him, but I'm in ore tbh an affectionate husband that likes to pleasure you and feel close sounds great to me, but you can't help how you feel talk to him x

he usually gives me a book to read so that my mind is elsewhere to make it last longer - I find this very odd and can't believe that anyone else does this

You and me both OP.

I always struggle to understand how someone can share their life & have children with another person yet can't have a frank discussion about sex with them?

Mismatched sex drives is a common issue, of course it is, but talking about it should be simple.

The fact he has you read to prolong the experience for his pleasure just doesn't sit right with me, sorry.

The relationship has issues that need to be addressed.

The problem is not that he wants to pleasure her. Otherwise there wouldn't be the need for the book. He's pleasuring himself at the OP's expense.

I'm not sure it is an usual thread tbh. The responses are unusual but the context is pretty standard.

A woman is doing something sexually she is unsure about. It feels wrong. She has posted here.

I usually the replies are usually pretty smart and able to read between the lines but not on this occasion. No idea why..,