Er.. Him "Going South"

[Angstriddenmum]

Slightly embarrassing but I really feel like I need to find what other people think. My DH is really into - how can I put it - heading to the tropics. Our drives have always been a bit mismatched (guess which way ) but he wants to do this to me all the time. I love him dearly but it's getting a bit tiresome (the asking, I mean). We seem to have reached a sort of compromise - perhaps every 2 or 3 days - but it never seems to be enough for him, which annoys me. There's lots that I want to get off my chest, TBH. When he does the deed, he keeps telling me how beautiful I am and how lovely I taste (I just think ewwww - keep it to yourself). He is also not asking for any, er, reciprocation (which I am usually quite happy to provide). He just says that he loves making me feel good. I say that I am not in the mood and always thinking about other things (a few family and work probs at the moment). He says that he loves making me stop thinking about things, even for a few seconds. I say that it's just a few seconds of pleasure but then it's back to normal. He says that you could say that about chocolate!

Reading this back I can see that I have really needed to formulate these ideas into a post and this has helped. I still have more to say so I'll follow up.

ARM

[beaglesaresweet]

haha, so you are enjoying the book and can concentrate on it ! well that helps the compromise at least!
Are you sure that it's not an infection? Women do often get minot infection from frequent oral sex, unless partner is extremely careful - also some aer allergic to mouthwashes (I know, sorry, but since we aer on the subject - it's all harsh chemicals). Hope nothing serious from te biopsy of course!
I really think you need to be a little more assertive. Just ask him to tone down the constant stroking, mention that he needs to respect your comfirt zone - best not to go on about it but say it to the point and in a calm but serious way (not in a placating way). I think he's quite selfish just doing what he feels like!

[beaglesaresweet]

I wouldn't compare housework and so on, to sexual demands. It really is your body, and he needs to be coniderate, it's not the same as not agreeing to do household chores! He's risking reducing your desire even further, surel he wouldn't want to do this, just explain calmly and gently while saying that of course you do care about his needs as much as you can.

[Angstriddenmum]

beagle, Now I'm going to sound all defensive. He's really not bad and he certainly doesn't do exactly "what he feels like". I think I would feel like I was beating a puppy for being cute if I told him off for cuddling me. I am sure that there are many examples on mumsnet of worse husband behaviour and I can cope with it. Pleased to whinge about it a bit though so thanks.

I can usually concentrate on the book for about 2 pages but then it gets quite difficult! And yes, there are worse things than this too.

[BitOfFunWithSanta]

Perhaps you should join the 50 books in 2014 challenge. You will win the whole internet if you manage it.

[leeloo1]

I can see why it'd be annoying - he sounds too keen to please, which can be irritating.

Can you pick the thing that annoys you most and try to work on that (for me it'd be the commenting during!) - when he's not mid-deed try to address it with him. So next time he's asking to do it then try telling him 'ok, but could you try not talking to me while you're doing it, as sometimes it spoils the moment for me.' If he then starts talking you can remind him that he'd agreed not to (and he will agree cos he wants to do it).

Then take it from there. Once its common practice for him not to talk then pick the next thing that annoys you... so 'yes we can but I only have 10 mins as need to do xyz so can we make it a quickie'.

Might work?

[BelleOfTheBorstal]

It all sounds a bit feathery stroker if you ask me.
And sexual acts should only happen between enthusiastically consenting adults, pressure to do things or discomfort at anything, needs to be discussed in an open and frank manner.

[differentnameforthis]

you will get some replies you weren't looking for SOME??

Wow, I cannot believe how most of you have treated this op. This is exactly why MN gets the bad rap it does.

[LiberalLibertine]

OP I worry when you say you 'wouldn't have the amount of sex you do if it was up to you' ?

It is up to you? Sounds very much like your 'giving in' to his demands when you're not in the mood, this is very unhealthy.

I agree with pp that said it's all about him and what he wants (getting you to read a book so it lasts for him) I have a feeling he knows you're not into it, and doesn't care.

[BitOfFunWithSanta]

Differentname- a relatively new poster puts a thread up at gone one in the morning Saturday night, coyly bemoaning the amount of oral sex she gets, inviting others' experiences, and you berate people who reply for not lining up with the usual credulous thickos? Jeez.

[HOMEQCRICH]

What book is it? War and peace? Or the alex ferguson autobiography?

[SELondonSwede]

What has happened to this forum? I find it sad that an OP is subjected to ridicule and pisstake. Why?
All the poor woman intended to do was to post a relationship query on an open relationship forum.
Why this harsh treatment? MN seems to have taken that direction lately, sadly.
What happened to sisterhood?

[TaraLott]

Sisters are doing it for themselves SE.

[Lweji]

You do need to express your wishes and stick to them.

Maybe you prefer penetration in more or less the "missionary position"? Because it feels like two people and more intimate?
Oral sex can feel quite detached and mechanic, and lonely for the person receiving it. It is ok to tell him to stop when you want to without any insistence from him. Call him on it if he does, because it's ok to want sex to be mutually enjoyable in many ways, just not having an orgasm.

Regarding the cuddling afterwards, do you find it too intense? Or at odds with your experience of sex?

If you are ultimately not comfortable talking to him, I think counselling may help. Particularly in guiding the conversation and addressing the issues that you don't talk about otherwise.

[mammadiggingdeep]

A book??? You read a book whilst he gives you oral?!

[HOMEQCRICH]

Wonder if OP comes back today?

[DrNick]

Wow.

[LineRunner]

What kind of book?

This could be the deal breaker for me.

[TobyLerone]

I only clicked on this because it had 69 messages.

[meditrina]

There's a difference between pointing out things that concern you, and pisstaking posts.

This isn't either chat or AIBU.

[Lizzabadger]

You seem way too afraid of hurting his feelings.

Any decent person would be mortified to think he's subjecting him to something you don't want.

You have to be frank and assertive with him. He will get over it and if he's decent, would prefer to know.

Is he this controlling in other areas of your life?

[Lizzabadger]

Yes Kepak has it.

[Superworm]

Totally agree with kepak and I'm at some if the ridicule on this thread.

[sparklyma]

Some absolutely horrible comments on here. Like bitching teenage girls. Awful ganging up on the op. No wonder mumsnet gets a bad reputation.