Whatnext074 is now handfulofcottonbuds - thread continued

[handfulofcottonbuds]

Both my previous threads have reached their maximum postings so I have decided to NC from Whatnext074 to handfulofcottonbuds - thank you to walkacrossthesand for suggesting it as it makes me smile.

My previous thread is here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1902849-Whatnext074-thread-continued still don't know how to convert links

I have had amazing support and advice from MNers since my H left me for OW - over 3 months on and I still can't believe this has happened.

Thank you to all those lurkers and de-lurkers who have contacted me to say that they have found the advice given on my threads really helpful to them too which is mainly why I am continuing my thread.

I have felt so many emotions, been distraught, desperate, strong, indifferent, weak, scared, independent and sad. What has helped is knowing I'm not alone and knowing there is always someone on MN who offers a hand and I will always be grateful for that.

I have a challenging few months ahead, mediation in January and divorce shortly after and moving out of my home. I am scared right now about my future, for 11 years, I knew my future would be with my H and we could handle anything but now I have to find who I am and create my own future.

Thank you for all your support - I cannot tell you how much it helps xxx

Garlic has just pipped me in the swearing stakes

So now the cheerleaders midnight toast is as follows:

Fuck you 2013 you bastarding cunt...

Will honestly be raising my glass to all of you at 12...you all rock

Off out now. Stay safe. Happy peaceful & strong new year to you all x

I have a bottle if cava by my side mamma

Aaaaah, you're 'in the cava'!!! Good for you. I shall be 'in the cava' myself in a mo.

All in all my day has been ok...just looking forward to getting this 'bastard ing cunt' of a year over with. Really am.

Big hugs to you all....
X

Have a safe night RandB and a wonderfully happy new yearxxxxxxx

You can't ALL have gone to bed? cotton your cheerleaders are lightweights. Seriously, Hope you are ok hun. One shite year over. This one just has to be better x

Morning RandB, I went to bed at 1.40 I'm afraid Hope you had a good evening.

Yes Yes Yes to a better yearxxxxx

Morning... Afternoon everyone... Im under a blanket on the sofa.

cotton how you doing? You know what? today I deleted his number, his EXW 's and his sisters number too. Also unfollowd his lovely mate on twitter - didn't want to see anything to do with him. Seeing him online via Whatsapp at midnight was f'ing crappy.

What can you do today / this week that moves you closer to you and further away from cheating h?

Hi Cottonbuds,
I've been lurking on your threads for a few days, had nothing useful to add but my heart goes out to you - the "first Christmas" and "first New Year" has passed for you now, you won't have to do them again. Well done for getting through them. I hoping that 2014 will be much much better for you, and for all of the women on this thread who have experienced heartache in 2013.

I'm glad you went to see the GP, and I hope the increase in dosage helps you get through the bleak days.

I want to ask you if you love yourself. Hope that isn't too personal a question. From where I am sitting, your DS loves you very much, and your mum, although she is not being particularly tactful, loves you too (and is concerned about you). From what you write, I don't see why people wouldn't love you, you sound considerate, kind and witty. I wondered if you told yourself often that none of this is your fault, and how much you believe it when you tell yourself. I hope you do tell yourself often, and that you do believe it. I hope that you don't take on any of the blame that he or his family have tried to pass onto you.

I think that it is important that you love yourself, and that you like yourself too, because if you do, it is easier to deflect the blame that your H and his family try to offload onto you, back to where it belongs.

I do a lot of self-flagellation when I'm in a bad place mentally (last few months haven't been easy), and lose perspective - so everything is my fault and I become a vile human being and the worst parent ever. And it's hard to get myself out of that place, but over the years (and with a little help from some courses I got sent on), I started to like myself (and love myself) in my more clear-thinking periods, and that kind of helps me to get over those troughs, when I think that everything would be much better if I wasn't involved.

I might just be projecting onto you, and if so, I do apologise. I do hope that you can see that your h's behaviour is not of your doing, and that you continue to repeat this to yourself x

Zhx3 - I understand that, It is easy for me to think that everything bad is because of something I did or didn't do and it can send me back as well.

I try and find that I have to concentrate to like myself let alone love myself when I am low.xx

Xh - I do keep telling people who are going through this that at the time we tend to say "what has she got that I havent" "why has he done this to me" and its really not about you, its about them.

I have lovely, attractive, successful friends who have been messed about hideously by men over the years - when they stop trying to make sense of what has happend and go "f*ck you, I dont deserve this" they have moved on to a happier life and nice new relationships. The men on the other hand just lurch on from disaster to disaster.

Morning all...

Just checking in cotton.....

You made it through the Christmas season- well done!!

Fresh year, new start. How are you feeling??

I've had a spring clean today- feel great for it. Going to start a health kick too- joining the gym this week. Feeling positive here. Hope you are my lovely

Big hugs to you and to the cheerleaders x

Zhx3 - thank you so much for your kind words.

Most times, I do think I love myself but then I have 'ugly' days and wonder how anyone can even look at me, let alone love me. After all, the one person who claimed to love me completely, forever, kept telling me with such vitriol that he doesn't love me and wants nothing to do with me. The rejection in such a nasty way has left its mark.

bluesky - yes, I have lots of those moments where I say why has he done this to me, what does she have that I haven't? I know that's not healthy.

My biggest sadness comes from the fact that he didn't talk to me. He said it wouldn't change anything but he let it get too far down the line without telling me which is why 'bam', once he'd made up his mind, it seemed to me like it was out of the blue. The fact that he was looking at houses with me 3 days before he went crazy and telling me how much he loved me threw me but he has since told me that maybe he was trying to convince himself that he loved me. It's all bollox and so unfair to play with your wife's emotions like that.

I know that he will make this work with OW, after all, he'd be a complete failure in his mind if he didn't I hate her

mamma - you sound in a good place. Joining a gym will be good for the mind. My Pilates starts again next week and I'm looking forward to that.

cotton, I have all those "if only he had talked to me" moments, but XH never even tried to talk to me. "I don't love you any more" is not a starting point for a discussion about the future is it... :(

The truth is though that XH only started to see problems AFTER he hooked into OW, because then she was the one he looked forward to speaking to, to seeing, to making happy. Your X would have been the same. He didn't talk to you to tell you he'd been unhappy for months because he HADN'T been....

After XH left and came back for six weeks he was so loving and affectionate, making love to me all the time. When he left again, I asked him how he could do that if he isn't love me and he replied that he was "just trying hard" and that he had fucked up as usual.

Men seem to function in a very different way to women. I loved my XH so much that I would have done anything to avoid losing him and in the process I lost myself, my dignity and my happiness. He made a fool out of me.

You hold your head up high and know that it really was him not you. You could bang your head against a buck wall forever and he will never see your point of view. In his eyes he did nothing wrong. You cannot argue with such warped logic.

Just know that you are a better person than him. ,

Handful - its not healthy and its not true to blame yourself. I thought of you actually I was reading a problem page where the answer was the husband was "running away" from his marriage as it was easier than dealing with pain they had been through as a couple.

There is nothing about these OW that is "better" they are just "different" and "new" they are not tied into bills and responsibility...of course further down the line when if they get a house/bills/committments together what do you think will happen

These are weak men, dont envy or hate these women - I would pity them for having so little self respect that the only men they can get are already committed to someone else. I was single for a long time and I despised any man already in a relationship who approached me and trust me I had every approach: the "separated but still sharing a house" "staying together for the sake of the children", the "open marriage" and the ones who just bad mouthed their partners because they were "nasty" or "lazy" or they had "grown apart". I knew I didnt need or want a man like that in my life as, give it a few years, he would be out spinning the same lines with another woman while I was at home.

There is of course the quote "a man who marries his mistress creates a vacancy"

How are you guys doing? Ready to grasp 2014 by the short & curlies?

bluesky - after an absolutely horrible C/mas, I actually feel stronger over the past few days. Dare I say that I feel happy today....haven't been able to say that for months.

My friends have been amazing and I think the increase in dosage for ADs has helped. It's only short term but as I have such a challenging month, it will help me cope.

Thank you for thinking of me. I'm going dancing tonight

Hi, think cotton has disappeared! How are you bluesky

Still enjoying the holidays with my two beautiful DDs. On sofa with a DVD, blanket and Parma violets. Class.

Hope you are all well

I'm here

Cross post! Hi cotton

High five to feeling a bit happier, Whoo. Did you GP suggest increasing your ads? I'm still on half measures.

So, you're off out tonight? Enjoy yourself , I bet you'll knock em dead!

I cried myself to sleep over C/mas, felt awful and went into a dark place again. I went to my doctor and she said it was normal to have a dip on ADs, I said I can't be this broken again with mediation coming up so she increased my dosage for a month. Fortunately, as they are already in my system, it doesn't take the usual 6 weeks to kick in.

How are you R&B?

Hiya, guess I am the same as most folk on MN. Held my breath to get through Xmas, few very lonely days when I had to actively seek company. But it's over now. I was volunteering over new year so kept busy.

Guess I thought he MAY contact me over xmas or new year, especially since his EXW emailed and said he seemed 'a broken man'. But he didn't and I've deleted his number blocked everything etc. back to counselling in Friday. Waiting for a referral re my ADs sending me loopy! But I am liking them- even half doses are helping.

Least you recognised you needed to talk to your GP and Increase your dose. Is mediation your next step?

You back to work on Monday? Hope you are prepared for the Monday night niggles from EXH- make yourself unavailable.. Can't hear you ..La La la.

Pretty damn impressed you got through Xmas so well x

I'm glad your ADs are helping. It won't always be like this.

Yes, mediation this month.

I don't expect my H will contact me on Mondays anymore after my DB asking him to leave me alone so at least I don't have that expectation. Besides, he's spent 2 weeks with his OW and her family, feet firmly embedded there now.

I was back at work yesterday, nice to do one day and then the weekend. I haven't looked forward to the weekend for months!

Yeah, I've worked over the whole Xmas period. It wasn't too bad.

Think i'll stick with the ADs for the time being - quite enjoying the energy levels.

I can't help but cringe when I think if your h with OW and her family. surely nice normal folk would find it all a bit fast and uncomfortable. He's jumped straight in .

Did you ask your GP about counselling?

I doubt he told them the true story of how he has a DW and DSs at home!

My family said he probably went away because nobody else would have him over C/mas.

Didn't ask about counselling again, at the moment I am getting the help I need from friends, my DS and MN.