Whatnext074 is now handfulofcottonbuds - thread continued

[handfulofcottonbuds]

Both my previous threads have reached their maximum postings so I have decided to NC from Whatnext074 to handfulofcottonbuds - thank you to walkacrossthesand for suggesting it as it makes me smile.

My previous thread is here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1902849-Whatnext074-thread-continued still don't know how to convert links

I have had amazing support and advice from MNers since my H left me for OW - over 3 months on and I still can't believe this has happened.

Thank you to all those lurkers and de-lurkers who have contacted me to say that they have found the advice given on my threads really helpful to them too which is mainly why I am continuing my thread.

I have felt so many emotions, been distraught, desperate, strong, indifferent, weak, scared, independent and sad. What has helped is knowing I'm not alone and knowing there is always someone on MN who offers a hand and I will always be grateful for that.

I have a challenging few months ahead, mediation in January and divorce shortly after and moving out of my home. I am scared right now about my future, for 11 years, I knew my future would be with my H and we could handle anything but now I have to find who I am and create my own future.

Thank you for all your support - I cannot tell you how much it helps xxx

Awww Cjel. That must be the worst feeling in the world :( Is it better if for a while you hang around with friends that are just yours? Until you have your own replacement!

I remember when I was 22 (worst breakup ever) he replaced me instantly with someone older, absolutely stunning and WAY better than me and started bringing her out with all our friends to dinners etc. It was the WORST time ever, and I can't imagine how much worse it is after marriage and with kids involved.

It rips away at all your confidence :(

The feeling if being replaced sucks. I'm lucky in that my ex mucked about with other woman but hasn't got a girlfriend yet. There wasn't an ow. It's good because I didn't have to feel replaced as such but worse because he was mucking about with lots of women for the kicks. It wasn't As if he cheated because one person turned his head, he actually just cheated with anyone that came along.

R and b- the darkness is a gift because you use if to strengthen yourself and come out the other side fighting...

I think your story r and b serves to prove that a man who can cheat on his wife isn't worth having because they'll do it again. I'm sorry for your pain, it's as real as real as anyone else's. did you feel insecure with him because he's cheated on his wife? Did u think he might do it to you?

I will just say it may not be all sweetness and light when (if) OW met your children - my best friend and her sister saw off numerous girlfriends her father had (a bit rough as her mum left him for another man) He only had another relationship when my friend moved away with her mum.

Yes- I had an ex boyfriend who had seen off quite a few potential boyfriends of his mum. She was divorced after being mucked about by her ex husband but my ex was about 13 and made it very difficult for any relationship to get off of the ground. Quite sad for his lovely mum but some if the stories are funny! These people who have affairs aren't seeing the full picture IMO. It's very hard to create a nice life when you've created turmoil. As I've said to cotton...her h and his ow won't be welcomed with open arms as a couple by everybody. People will be judging them.

Good morning - still in bed here !!! Honestly I spend my life in MN - 2014 I'm going to get a new hobby!!!

Well cava is in the fridge, party dress ready. Now to warm up my singing voice to shout put out mantra!

Children tried to ring my STBXH last night but he text this am to say he has his phone on silent. FFS!!! Glad to know that he will be as much use as a chocolate teapot if I ever needed to get hold of him in an emergency. Waste of space some of these fathers are - the government needs to do something about fathers that feel the need to walk away from family life. It just isn't on :-)

My friend, more than two decades later, always had a laugh about the trips to the cinema with dad and girlfriend where she and her sister made sure they were sitting between them.

My ex used to say to his mums 'friends'..."my dads a body builder you know. A very...big....bodybuilder" then stare then out.
Lol

There was a link to an article on facebook today about the Government jailing mothers who go against court orders for fathers to see their children. I agree itwillget that they should also do something about fathers who walk away from their families.

Nobody should stay in an unhappy marriage, but you should try everything that you can to resolve problems not walk away from your DC. XH just announced one night that he no longer loved me and that was that... no warning, no problems, no discussion. Because he came back for 6 weeks after that he claims to have "tried". Trying is talking about your problems and working them out. Announcing that you no longer love your wife and walking out, is not a starting point for discussion is it?!

My XH's OW gets in under the radar. She is still with her H who is XH's best friend and she is round XH's house all the time, but without her H. She cooks meals for XH and DD, goes swimming, shopping, cinema with them. She has "sleepovers". Her H trusts his friend .... I have evidence of the affair, but her H didn't want to believe me, just said that I was bitter and clutching at straws. The affair wasn't physical when XH left me, just emotional, but to discover 5000-6000 texts plus emails in a 2-3 month period to OW, wasn't clutching at straws, not IMO...... Xh doesn't think that he cheated on me at all, but he wouldn't would he?!

and seeing as OW cheated on her first H to be with second H, you would think that he might realise what she is capable of..... some people are serial cheaters.

anyway, enough of me waffling on.......

last year I said Fuck You to 2012, being the absolute worst year of my life. Started it happily married, or so I thought, ended it divorced . 2013 was going to be better. It was and it wasn't.

2014 IS going to be better. For all of us.

You can think about the past and what has happened forever and a day, but it doesn't change anything. The future is as yet unwritten. Make it what you want it to be. Make it happy, make it busy, make it a new start. saying to to myself more than anyone.

Xh doesn't think that he cheated on me at all, but he wouldn't would he?!

My H is the same, he's convinced himself that he's doing nothing wrong and he just deserves to be happy. What a distorted view they have! skye - your XH's behaviour sounds just like my H's.

My GP has increased dosage of my ADs today, just for a month to help me get through the challenging time I have coming up. She said it's natural to have a 'dip' and feel like they are no longer working and I just need a boost for a few weeks. Hope it helps.

Ha Ha, My H told my dd that 'he deserved to be happy and he thinks its what I wanted any way' What makes them think like that!?

I have just had a surprise visit from mine (things needed signing) hes only been here twice in 16months,and although he was full of cold, when he left I thought how can I still feel so much for him?

Cotton- glad you saw gp. Hope it helps lovely...

Skye- unbelievable!!!! What a cock! And what IS ow doing?? Mind you, what is ow h doing?! You're better off out of that darling. Yes- 2014 is unwritten. It's not what many if expected but we can make it what we want it to be. Happy, healthy, new friends, new places....

Just going to dust off my hot pants for tonight's shin dig...have got the loud hailer out and checked its working for our midnight "fuck you 2013"...

I for one am looking forward to a clean slate. 2014 is a fresh start.

Big love to you all. Holding your hands if you need it xx

Cjel- quite strange he chose New Year's Eve to visit for signing...

Never, ever thought he would leave me.

R and b - hugs xx

Hadn't even thought of it like that MAMMA,
((((Hugs))))) know that feeling RandB weird, isn't it?
Even seeing him today I felt we could have just taken up where we left off

We will have people who deserve us maybe not in 2014 but at least our hearts won't hurt so much.xxx

Thanks mamma. In my story there was no 'replacing' going on. Yes I met his DDs. But it simply wasn't a case of meeting his friends and saying 'ooh look at my new girlfriend'. One or two actually Invited me. But we waited.

Didn't meet DDs til ex wife said I could. We waited for her permission. She's their mother.

So, EXW introduced her DDs to several of her BFs , only briefly, and they didn't last more than 6 months. My DDs father introduced out DDs to his GF ASAP without even discussing with me, I learnt it from the kids 'we met X today'. None of it is perfect but it seems the person who was left can do whatever they like and it's ok .

Mamma- the EXW happened to see me briefly in the street with Exp. not kissing, not touching just walking the dog. She was early dropping off DDs - it was Father's Day this year. I was due to leave before she arrived. As a result of seeing me she sabotaged the whole day. Then,after tea, she sat both DDs down and explained why she hates me so much. That their father had started seeing me and that's why the marriage ended. Her final trump card that she'd always threatened to use. Poor DDs then expected to hate me and match her adult feelings when they simply don't have the emotional maturity to feel like she does. I appreciate you might all be applauding her actions but I thought it was cruel to her DDs.

Not sure why I'm saying all this but it's been on my mind all day at work.

Sorry cotton

And no, just because you did something once does not mean you'll do it again. I know I won't.

Def going now.

RandB, I know you aren't proud of how your relationship started so don't start to beat yourself up again, and no it was cruel of XW to hurt her dcs in the way she did.xx

Yes, why exactly are contracts enforceable for someone to fit your kitchen or sell you a laptop but the most important contract of all is one you can walk out on whenever it suits you. I do believe people should work on their marriages. If I was unhappy I'd talk to my husband before shagging someone else or I'd try counselling due to the COMMITMENT I'd made. If after exhausting every effort, and if I really just COULD NOT help myself and really didn't love my wife any more then and I'd be respectful to her and my kids and make sure they had a place to go leave a respectful time before staring up with an OW. why is doing any of that SO difficult? Isn't that what the vows mean? I was just asking my Mum is she knew any REALLY good guys that would never hurt their woman and she said she thought I had the last one! So much for that eh.

I know a very smart clever woman who KNEW her relationship was over and left her partner and moved to another home with her two young Dc's. it's been very acrimonious.

I just didn't have the clear vision to see what I had infront of me and realise it was dead with DDs father. Do you think ignoring someone for years. Never taking annual leave up see the DDs. Keeping me very poor , then telling me that all my redundancy money and £7k+ he HAD to take from the DDs savings account up pay OUR debts, allow his family to completely ignore me when it came to light I had drepeession, ignored the fact I had depression, ,... Just ignore ignore ignore and r&b will somehow disappear into the wallpaper. So with no self esteem or money or career or
Energy it's hard to see with clarity.

I appreciate some ladies on here have been dumped when they actually thought everything was ok, cotton says she was very close to her DH. I was very intimate with my exp. it makes them leaving very hard indeed.

My DDs father recently told me I'd done him a massive favour and he'd 'landed on his feet ' with new wife. Romantic huh?

Why do people see pain and darkness as a gift?

I know you're all moving along with your thread, so I hope you don't mind me coming back to this. I vividly recall asking this myself - often and loudly, wailing from the bottom of despair. Usually when talking to my Mum, whose husband died the same time as XH2 staged his walkout. (He was my father, and a bastard, but Mum loved him completely.)

Answer: Because of what you learn down there. How good your learning will be, and how fast, depends to a large extent on the support you have and the kind of person you are. But you learn. It grows you up a bit and, oddly, teaches you to appreciate more of life's everyday moments of joy. The most essential lesson, I think, is that the only constant in life is change ... everything passes. Everything!

Sometimes we had to cling to this as an article of faith, my mum and I. We didn't feel we'd ever be 'living' again, it felt like pain & darkness would be permanent. I did things I was supposed to, like going for little walks and doing things that used to make me laugh; it was all hollow but I clung to the mantra. One day in early April, I noticed the blossom had come out on the trees. I found it miraculous and beautiful. I noticed how brightly the sun was shining, looked up and was amazed at the blueness of the sky. The weird thing is, I felt all the wonder as if it was the very first time I'd seen them - it was so intense, by contrast with my general mood. It's been a long, hard road to recovery (I'm still on it), but that hasn't left me: I get more pleasure, now, from small things than I ever had before Shitface Mark II stitched me up.

The gift, in short, is really understanding that everything changes :)

With that in mind, it's New Year's Eve and an excellent time to remember about the permanence of change. So goodbye, 2013, you fucking bastarding cunt, and roll on 2014 :D xxxxx

garlicbaubles - thank you, beautiful post.

I too see the little things now as if I'm seeing them for the first time. I understand the 'gift of darkness' and I am slowly learning from it and I believe I will be a better person as little things don't bother me now. I also see the kindness of strangers and it means a lot to me, whether I'm in a shop or walking down the road and someone smiles.

I'm thinking a lot about my H right now and am using all my energy to push him out. He is the weak one who left as he couldn't deal with our losses, I will be the strong one - with a few dips along the way.

I'll look out for the moment I realise it was a gift.

Cotton - sorry I went on a bit. Been a funny old day. What are you doing tonight hun?

You sound stronger - each time you dip, you come back. Getting through Xmas and new year is hard for lots of folk, so getting through it with a broken heart deserves a medal. Haven't got one so here's some cake and merlot darlink

I loved your post Garlic xcc

Last bit especially poignant! FUCK off 2013!!!!

I loved your post Garlic xcc

Last bit especially poignant! FUCK off 2013!!!!"!