Whatnext074 is now handfulofcottonbuds - thread continued

[handfulofcottonbuds]

Both my previous threads have reached their maximum postings so I have decided to NC from Whatnext074 to handfulofcottonbuds - thank you to walkacrossthesand for suggesting it as it makes me smile.

My previous thread is here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1902849-Whatnext074-thread-continued still don't know how to convert links

I have had amazing support and advice from MNers since my H left me for OW - over 3 months on and I still can't believe this has happened.

Thank you to all those lurkers and de-lurkers who have contacted me to say that they have found the advice given on my threads really helpful to them too which is mainly why I am continuing my thread.

I have felt so many emotions, been distraught, desperate, strong, indifferent, weak, scared, independent and sad. What has helped is knowing I'm not alone and knowing there is always someone on MN who offers a hand and I will always be grateful for that.

I have a challenging few months ahead, mediation in January and divorce shortly after and moving out of my home. I am scared right now about my future, for 11 years, I knew my future would be with my H and we could handle anything but now I have to find who I am and create my own future.

Thank you for all your support - I cannot tell you how much it helps xxx

I imagine that he thinks that his 'settlement' offer (and that's all it is) is then null and void and he can come back with another settlement (for even less).
Don't be intimidated by it. Let your solicitor do the negotiating - you can say 'No' as often as you like (Please do, just to piss him off! )

Re the £15000, I hope you are ignoring all threats regarding that. If he thinks he has a case, he must produce proof, and then he can take you to court if he likes. That'll cost him. In fact, even if he does hve something signed by you, I'd be inclined to let him challenge in court.

You are both right!

I worked on a letter with my solicitor today holding him off for a while and asking for him to provide proof etc. The letter also says that a judge wouldn't even entertain the fact that he says he knows none of her income and as they are living together in a luxurious lifestyle, if he still refuses to provide that then we will make a counter proposal based on an assumption of her income.

We've threatened court and also spousal maintenance.

I feel the pressure is off for a couple of weeks, although I have lots to do getting quotes and valuations etc. How dare he demand and take control of this!! I won't have it

My solicitor was very firm in her letter, just what I need.

That sounds just what you need. It really eases things on you when you realise they don't have all the control. I know they say that solicitors just make things worse but when one person is a bully there is no other way than go to the law.

Remember to try and feel like this when you get the next contact with him. Just because he says it doesn't mean it will happen.

Well done youxxxx Enjoy your evening.

cjel

There are figures somewhere of what each and every profession expects to earn on average. I know this because the tax man uses it to make sure that you are declaring around about the right income. It must be possible to find out her job title and work from there

Yeah! Slap him with a spousal maintenance! And your sol is right - if/when it goes to court, the judge is not going to just beleive every litle lie that comes out of his mouth - they are not stupid. Can yiu gather anything you have in support of his 5* lifestyle? Evidence of holidays/meals out/presents?

Yep a bit of retaliation is just what you need.

Thank you boop - I know her job title. That's handy to know.

captain - I have all the evidence as he had to give all his bank statements. He spends all his wages on her.

Well I would google "what does the average spineless ammoral cheating accountant earn?" and go from there

So he says he is answering the E5 form truthfully?? OMG! what a liar he is. I hope his pants are on fire and somewhere in his subconscious he feels a degree of guilt. Sadly, her will be believing his own bullshit now so you need to bring out the big guns with your solicitor and push back.

Do they think the rest of the population are stupid? I'm for you so if you want to dump some of your feelings this way, I'll work them out while I'm cleaning tomorrow .

I really like that you know you have a fantastic support network. I know that doesn't always help in the middle of all this but it should tell you that 'right' is on your side' and for all he feels he is the upper hand, its built on deceit, dishonesty, emotional and financial abuse. That's not the upper hand, that's a dirty set of secrets that have launched his new life. To be honest, I think that the OW could eat him for breakfast. If he's spending all his money on her, is that all she likes about him?

A few days ago you didn't know how you would get past this Friday. Now you are there and have opened up new ways of managing this. You should pat yourself on the back. High-five!! xx

• he

handful you are doing so good, so much better than I'd ever dream I'd do if I ended up in a situation like yours. Good for you, don't let that absolute dick take control, you are so much better than him! I really hope things get better for you.

Hello Handful, How are you?x

Handful - hope you are ok?

Hey handful...just checking in.

It's Friday night...having a ...got one here for you. Cheers.

Hope you're ok. Sending a hug x

Hi, for you...chocolate and for me...how's things? Did I read somewhere you are contemplating a foray into the big wide world of online dating?

Hello captain, thanks for thinking of me.

Had a tough week, my DS was really sick and in hospital but he's much better now. Doesn't matter how old they get, they still want their Mums. Bless him, when he was on the mend, he thanked me for looking after him.

I had to cancel all the quotes / valuations to do with the house as he was so poorly but my stbxh will have to wait. My DS always comes first and I wasn't willing to pass anything onto the tradesmen / estate agents.

My friend signed me up to online dating a week ago and I have to admit, it's been fun. I've been lucky getting some really nice messages and have made a couple of friends. No dates yet but might see one this weekend for a coffee.

mamma - I have a xx

R&B - yes! chocolate with you too xx

Sorry to hear about your ds :( glad he's on the mend.

You sound more cheerful...loving the online dating development. Good for you girl. I'll drink to that you'll have to keep us updated :)

Sorry to hear about your son and glad to hear he is ok. There is nothing quite like a crisis with your children to bring things into focus. In a strange way, it may have given you strength to put your ex's demands into context, and keep them there.

Have fun with your new online friendships and enjoy this new part of your life. Its great to hear you are do something for yourself.

Oh, and we want all the details!! x

Glad to hear ds is OK handful. And glad that the online dating is throwing up some possible friends. You sound good and strong, i'm so glad

Thank you nevergrowingup x

You're right, seeing my DS scared and wired up to lots of machines does put things into perspective again for me. It was like he was 5 years old again. I always tell him that everything starts and ends with us, he's the best DS.

Is nice to create new friendships and also is refreshing that they don't know the trauma that has happened over the past few months. There are some good men out there

Glad to hear your ds is doing ok now and lovely to hear about you online dating! As you say, even if you just make friends for a while it's good to be "out there" have fun!

Thank you downstairs

I feel like I've experienced every strange step of the pathway to getting over a husband cheating!

If that's the case, you must be in line for some fun stages too. I don't mean Ab Fab partying-going-mad, just a few moments when you smile to yourself and just know that there are starting to be some good things in your life again. x

I've had a couple of Ab Fab moments

I really have tried everything to get myself back and this is just the next step. Plus, I'm meeting a gorgeous really nice man on Tuesday for the first time.

I think I could write a book!