Whatnext074 is now handfulofcottonbuds - thread continued

[handfulofcottonbuds]

Both my previous threads have reached their maximum postings so I have decided to NC from Whatnext074 to handfulofcottonbuds - thank you to walkacrossthesand for suggesting it as it makes me smile.

My previous thread is here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1902849-Whatnext074-thread-continued still don't know how to convert links

I have had amazing support and advice from MNers since my H left me for OW - over 3 months on and I still can't believe this has happened.

Thank you to all those lurkers and de-lurkers who have contacted me to say that they have found the advice given on my threads really helpful to them too which is mainly why I am continuing my thread.

I have felt so many emotions, been distraught, desperate, strong, indifferent, weak, scared, independent and sad. What has helped is knowing I'm not alone and knowing there is always someone on MN who offers a hand and I will always be grateful for that.

I have a challenging few months ahead, mediation in January and divorce shortly after and moving out of my home. I am scared right now about my future, for 11 years, I knew my future would be with my H and we could handle anything but now I have to find who I am and create my own future.

Thank you for all your support - I cannot tell you how much it helps xxx

Thank you boop. I was on sleeping tablets months ago for the first time in my life and only took one on a Friday night when I knew I could just sleep. It helped.

You're right, we cope so much better when we get a decent night's sleep. I'll think about it again.

It's the night sweats that wake me, I'm freezing when I have them. I've been tested for everything though and it is anxiety causing them. I've also developed eczema for the first time ever - GP says that's stress related. Our bodies certainly go through it when they cheat!!

By the way, all the time I don't get surprised with anything legal, I'm okay. I can deal with things at my own pace. I'm getting better but I just wait for the next thing to happen but that's wrong - I should be in control of this and not have him leading things!!

They most certainy do. It's the shock I guess.

I had no trouble dropping off often because of wine. It was the staying asleep I struggled with. Sometimes I'd wake up thinking it must be nearly morning and I'd only slept for 40 minutes! So frustrating

Anyway, today is a new day. Straighten those shoulders, take a deep breath and stride out x

I will boop - thank you for thinking of me x

Pilates tonight, that always helps

Morning...

I agree with cjel, you don't know for sure his life is wonderful. When my mind wanders like that to ex and his life I try to nip it in the bus and control it. Hard I know, very hard. You are, of course, going to imagine them to be like loves young dream...this isn't necessarily the case. Not that that changes much but important not to let your imagination make things worse.

I agree that everything is soooo much better when you've had enough sleep. Both my girls sleep through now (only took nearly 4 years?!) and it sounds ridiculous but life is suddenly so less stressful and I cope better with my emotions and stress levels.

Sending a hug
Xxx

Ps- carry on digging deep xx

Nip it in the bus?? Bud obviously. That will make you smile xx

Yes mamma, it did xx

You're right, I say to myself out loud when those thoughts enter my head, "enough now cotton, enough"

Did you ever make a mix of feel good songs? Get it on loud and shout out "IT DOESNT MATTER" at the top of your lungs.

I listen to music all the time boop, it helps. My Mum always says, "it doesn't matter" whenever I run things past her. I know she's right.

You are doing so well, doing all the right things. Your heart is just struggling a bit to keep up but it will. Promise. X

My go to saying is 'this too will pass' Not always easy to feel but it really is true.

You are showing signs of being able to keep control already with your attitude but it is so hard to break the thoughts that seem to come from nowhere as you don't seem to have time to process them.

I wake in a panic attack and certainly don't have time to ward those off - its weird.

I think that practice makes perfectxx

Morning cotton, glad you have a decent GP who seems to be taking care of you. Sorry about your night sweats and eczema... I can understand how that's stress related. I wish GP's could prescribe a fortnight in Greece, sounds like that's what you could benefit from!

Well gone for the volunteering idea. I guess you are never going to he able to predict what FW will do next...you can't, just can't, control that particular outside factor. So, control and decide upon the rest of your life where you can. Then maybe his hand grenade demands will diminish in impact.

And once the money/house settlement is agree then you should be free of his shite and you can block block block . You sound low, but you just have to steel yourself for a bit longer and before you know it the cloud will lift. Your future will be looking you in the face and you can make all manner of decisions.

FW and OW will still be wobbling along on their shaky path. They might make it, they might not. But IT DOESN'T MATTER. Here's a cheesy hug

Another letter received today from stbxh's solicitor saying that I need to respond or agree to his settlement by Friday!

Also (again) saying that he doesn't know OW's income and she refuses to provide it. His solicitor says she can do this as she is not involved in this. I wish I had named her!!

My solicitor will send a letter saying that I can't possibly agree to any settlement without knowing the full finances. She could be a millionaire for all I know. They are stubborn, but I can be too!

Oh and there is no agreement that the £15k was ring fenced, if he has paperwork to say otherwise then he needs to provide it.

I was shaking so much when I got the letter - need control back

Who died and made him kind of the world eh?

Fuck him. Make him wait. Or else tell him you'll pay his £20k at £5 per week.

God he is an utter knob isn't he?

Can you name the OW now?

It's too late boop - my Decree Nisi is being announced in 8 days. I didn't name her on my solicitor's advice as she said OW could contest the divorce, I should have been told that by not naming her, she may not have to provide her finances.

I want to do all of this in my own time, at my own pace but he will stop paying half the mortgage in May and he knows it will hurry me up as I can't and don't want to stay in the house.

They are vile!

They most certainly are. The stocks are too good for the pair of greedy conniving twats. Oh god I'm cross

cotton - I have read on other threads on here that the OW's income is not relevant even if they are living together. It does seem wrong though.

I had terrible night sweats when I was on Citalopram. The first time I thought I had wet the bed , thats how bad it was, but when it was night after night, I did some googling and saw that it was a side effect of the tablets. It stopped as soon as I came off them. I hope that you get it sorted as it's not nice to wake up cold and wet!

I have read the very first thread you did as whatnext74 and it seems like you have come so far! Your ex husband to be sounds like he is being a complete arse. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Stay strong op! And defintly stay stubborn like they are!

skye - I have a feeling you're right but I can push for it as his statements show he's paying for everything for her and that's marital assets being spent on OW - convenient that he says she pays him cash!

It's all so unfair.

The night sweats only seem to occur when I get knocked back with some other revelation so I know it's anxiety

downstairs - I came far, had a blip, moved on and now I'm stuck in this limbo feeling powerless most of the time with who I'm up against. Thank you for your kind words

I have tonight just helped a client to complete Form E and it does clearly ask on there for details of partners income if you are living with them, but it does say "if known". It is so unfair :(

Yes, that's the bit that he's emphasising. He has said that he has asked her and she declined to say and therefore it's not known and he has completed his Form E truthfully. FWH

I hope he becomes crippled with guilt. Money grabbing a.holes!

I must remember that I have a big family, lots of long term, genuine friends, half of his family for support and a whole MN family behind me.

He has his FWParents and FWOW!

I will be okay. I've been through worse

'respond by friday?' Or else - what? Good for your solicitor responding like that - you will not accept anything unless it's fair. Good for you too, dig your heels in!

Wish I could be of more help. Hope you will soon be free of him/her .

Thank captain - actually, what would happen if I didn't respond by tomorrow?? Would he go ahead with his threats anyway to stop paying the mortgage and potentially blacklist himself if I don't pay?

I'll ask my solicitor what would happen if he continues with his stupid unrealistic deadlines. FW!!!

Morning COTTON, Hope you are able to sort out what is worth fighting about and what you can let go. He can't be made to force everything and as you say if his name is on mortgage and he defaults what will he gain by that??????

Hope you can think that this will get better and end You do have loads of people who love and care about you and thye have nothing - That has to be pleasingxxxxxx