Whatnext074 is now handfulofcottonbuds - thread continued

[handfulofcottonbuds]

Both my previous threads have reached their maximum postings so I have decided to NC from Whatnext074 to handfulofcottonbuds - thank you to walkacrossthesand for suggesting it as it makes me smile.

My previous thread is here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1902849-Whatnext074-thread-continued still don't know how to convert links

I have had amazing support and advice from MNers since my H left me for OW - over 3 months on and I still can't believe this has happened.

Thank you to all those lurkers and de-lurkers who have contacted me to say that they have found the advice given on my threads really helpful to them too which is mainly why I am continuing my thread.

I have felt so many emotions, been distraught, desperate, strong, indifferent, weak, scared, independent and sad. What has helped is knowing I'm not alone and knowing there is always someone on MN who offers a hand and I will always be grateful for that.

I have a challenging few months ahead, mediation in January and divorce shortly after and moving out of my home. I am scared right now about my future, for 11 years, I knew my future would be with my H and we could handle anything but now I have to find who I am and create my own future.

Thank you for all your support - I cannot tell you how much it helps xxx

I know where I'd like to fill with rubble cotton

You sound a it cherrier today. Hope you're back on thatupwards trajectory

cotton nothing like a bit of physical shite clearing to get you back on track and getting your Dynasty shoulder pads back on.

If he doesn't respond to your emails then why waste your time and patience. You're dealing with a knob. Looks like one, talks like one, behaves like one. He's not going to reply with "oh, sorry, of course - I've transferred the £ into your account today. Apologies for delay" . Don't bother.

This is the man who pissed about with 'stamp' money.

R&B....great advice and I might take yours!

Handful...she looks stunning because she's posted her best pictures, she's certainly not stunning inside. I doubt very much you are ugly. I am told that I am very pretty, which is lovely, I don't feel it, certainly at the moment and have very kind friends (I am now sounding slightly arrogant but that is not the case at all and at 44 with a 3 year old, not deluded at all either!), but the OW in my case is as plain as day, actually awful with a dodgy eye, scraggy hair, terrible figure, gravestone teeth yet she is a better bet than me apparently. I don't think I could have done anything to keep my husband and I think it is nothing to do with looks, more often their huge egos and whoever makes them feel remarkable. It's tragic really. He is more than happy to walk around with somebody who looks like his Mum. The OW in your case might be a bit of arm candy, but when push comes to shove, what is there? He has uttered the immortal words "I've made my bed"...that should speak volumes.

This is not YOU my darling, the failings are with him and him alone. So drink that wine and know that you are worth a million fold than the cards you have been dealt by this inadequate man. He will regret it one day, they always do. xxxxxxx

Thank you Boop - I seem to be okay as long as things can move at my pace. I can't deal with things that are out of my control as it really sets me back and the anxiety kicks in - I have finally realised that now.

I have some things that I have put in motion on a personal level and I'm starting to feel positive again. It seems that when I'm rock bottom, I reach the depths and then start planning on ways to get back up.

I'm going to start with a 90 minute body massage this weekend, I was given vouchers for my birthday. 90 minutes!!! I'll be floating home

I can totally understand that, the lack of control is horrendous as is the anxiety. I hate that feeling of things running away with you and you can't stop it...but usually you can when you've had five minutes to consider what is happening and how to deal with it. This is shit, it really is. I wouldn't wish this on anybody (aside from the OW obvs). I am SO glad you sound more positive today and that massage sounds amazing...you're on the up again..:-) xx

ooh I did like that glint of rage re xMIL. That's the ticket

i read somewhere once that depression is anger turned inwards (and women, of course, are masters at internalising stuff unlike men who have a tendency to splatter it outwards ) so I'm all for some healthy red hot anger.

Your xMIL sounds like a crone.

It helps springy, she really was toxic in our relationship. From the first moment he moved in with me 11 years ago, she wasn't happy because she said I took him from her and she would have to cook dinners now - he loved cooking.

That's why I destroyed the photos of her in my fit of rage, she just looked at my H in such a strange way. I love my DS but I don't look at him lovingly - freak!

She really looks old and scraggy. I haven't seen her for almost a year but when I showed the photos to my DS, he gasped and couldn't believe how evil and bitter she looked, I only showed my DS to make him feel better too. We are well shot of her, she was nasty to my DS.

Ha - the rage against the MIL is lifting me x

GO HANDFUL!! Rage helps so much! Do you know, I have just had a moment of rage. My H texted my 15 year old daughter at school four days before he left me saying "if I leave your Mum would you still see me"...she never said a word for fear of what was to come. The truth was, this pathetic excuse for a man tried to get my CHILD to tell me he was leaving so he didn't have to. What a disgusting creature. What he hoped was that she'd tell me, I'd confront him and he could leave with a fit of pique and not look back. What an arsehole. It's stuff like this that makes you think "WTF"...and WHY would you want to be involved with somebody like that....it is THAT that gives you strength my darling xxx

Handful....LOVING the rage!!!! Can I suggest the next step in anger therapy?? Use a few mamma-style 'fucks' and 'cunts'...can't tell you how much of a release is it to fling them around when slagging off your ex/ex mil.

R and b- I agree, waiting on them and asking for things gives control to them. Ask once, maybe twice then show them how insignificant they are by doing it on your own anyway. Although a complete wind up to have to organise/pay/do, it is more of a wind up for them not to do it iykwim.

Anyway, hope you have a good day handful... and hugs xxx

Morning COTTON- the skip sounds great. I told mine that his mate was going to come on x date and take his stuff and store it and he would be charged for storage. He replies quick enough that he wasn't paying storage so I just said well get the stuff before then... He did because otherwise it would have shown his friend what an idiot he was.

I think you are right that the lack of control is the worst. Try not to ask questions that they then can have control over not answering. Work out what you are going to do ie. hire skip on x date and clear out if he hasn't and then just let him decide but at least you can go with skip option knowing you warned him!!!

I think a "I need it all removed by x date to get the house ready for sale" (even if that is bullshit) is fine with a "if its not removed I will assume you no longer want it and send it to the charity shop/bin it"

There is no reason why you cannot be issuing ultimatums in the same way he is.

Harness the rage - its so much more productive that the hurt (as long as you are not slashing his tyres)

legally you can ask for him to get it collected by a certain date - and if he does not do this you can presume it is not wanted and dispose of it accordingly. Give 14 days notice and put it in writing.

I got a solicitor to write with words to that effect. And it worked.

Hi cotton, glad to hear you are sounding better. My STBXH never responds to any of my emails even regarding having the boys over the holidays. So now I ask once give him some time to reply and then move on and get on with my life.

I heard on the news yesterday that they are going to enforce mediation on divorcing couples with kids. From what I've seen on MN mediation is a complete waste of time. My STBXH looks at me as though I am dirt on his shoes so what makes anyone think we can sit in a room and communicate! Joke!

I don't know what the OW looks like but a frond has said to me that when he saw a photo of her he asked my STBXH if he was wearing his beer goggles!!! Lol I'm sure she looks ok but certainly isn't a person I would want to know!

Anyway I've joined a running club now called beginners to runners so hopefully in ten weeks time I will be able to run 5k! Exercise gives me a good feeling so can only be good for me.

Itwillgetbettersoon - Yes I saw that about mediation too, I am about to embark on it so will report back. I am going to go in with my requests and if he refuses, we can go to trial. He's getting one chance with this and that's it. My H can't look me in the eye at all, just avoids all eye contact so this will be interesting stressful!

I wish I didn't know what OW looked like or indeed that fact that she has been known to us for some years. Funnily enough, my H's remaining friends said much the same, one said "there is no way on earth I would have left my wife for that" and the other said "I have absolutely no idea what he sees in her, what a dog". Must be her money sparkling wit and fabulous personality. Yawn.

Anyway, hope you're feeling increasing strength this evening Handful...post when you can xxx

Cotton - I hope your massage is blissful!!

Another weekend and hopefully you have had a good few days. Just checking in and saying 'hi'. Hope you don't have the rain where you are. Its stopping me going in the garden... or so I keep telling myself!! x

Thank you for all thinking of me.

After averaging about 3 hours sleep a night, I had my massage, came home and slept for 5 hours - wish I could get that on the NHS.

I feel a terrible sense of dread though, I can't get rid of it and I can't stop thinking about my ex and what he's playing at - I hate it consuming my thoughts. I have nightmares, night sweats, conversations and memories in my head and feel dreadful in general. I want it to stop. I was strong, now I'm a mess.

2 weeks ago, I could say I was happy for the first time in months but now it's coming up to May and he's going to stop paying for so much - my solicitor says he can!

I can't even face my solicitor at the moment and haven't done anything she's advised me, like getting the house valued again, I have no energy! I need more time.

Why - WHY is he calling the shots and making me feel like this? We're not in contact, he has a wonderful life and a wonderful future ahead of him while he's left mine in pieces. I don't know why I am the one left feeling like I've done wrong. It's unfair. I try to be a good person.

My personal life is rubbish and my boss is a bitch - I don't seem to get any respite and I've had enough!

Cotton, so sorry to hear it's hitting you like this right now. I hope that you've been able to get some more sleep. I wish I could do more than just express my sympathy.

Handful,

Day at a time. Baby steps.

How was your day today?

Xx
and xxxx

veryseriousgirl - thank you for your kind words xx

mamma - as usual xx

Sleeping not getting any better but I saw my Dr tonight (he said I looked tired ) he asked me where I was at with the divorce and he got very angry when I briefly told him what my ex is demanding and how all this is impacting on me. He said he also had a long chat with my DS when he saw him last week and not to worry about the impact on him through this as he knows he can go and chat to him.

My GP has given me a slight increase in my beta blockers to hopefully stop the anxiety and night sweats. I'm seeing him next week and if my sleeping is the same then he'll give me a strong antihistamine to help me sleep which is safer than sleeping tablets.

I will get out of this bad period as long as nothing is sprung on me, my ex promised he wouldn't do that to me, then again, he promised to forsake all others!

I have applied for a voluntary position at our local hospice, it's such a peaceful, relaxing but extremely happy place (if that makes sense)?

Thank you for thinking of me - baby steps

glad massage was a success, I'd just like to point out that you don't really know that his life is wonderful and if it isn't you'd be the last to hear.

Hope you can gather the strength to take some control, this is the really tough time and it will be limited.

Hope you can get all the support and good advice you need. I still can't help thinking you should get a different solicitor, they shouldn't add to your feeling bad.

Hoping you get good sleep tonightxx

Thank you cjel xx

I do need to get control back, I'm the one who should be proposing a settlement and taking the lead but as my head isn't in the right place, I'm finding it hard. I think he's really scared of disclosing OW's finances though which is why he has proposed a settlement and wants it agreed quickly. Three times he's been asked now!

I've only seen my new solicitor once so I'll give her a go but won't waste time and money if she's no good.

You're right, I don't know if his life is wonderful but he's certainly living a 5* lifestyle and planning on buying somewhere with her. I hope she dumps him!

I was still involved with our business and knew it was all on overdraft and loan!! I also know accountant told him to stop putting so much of their stuff on expenses!!!! Appearances can be deceptive.

I was very luck as I had a friend who loved legal stuff so with her and solicitor they guided me through and kept me on top of it.

Hope you can be inspired to move another step soon

OW is an accountant

I'm glad you came out of it okay cjel, hope I do and then I can move on

Hi Cotton. How are you this morning? Did you get any sleep?

I think youshould definitely think about something to help you sleep. If you've had a decent night's sleep it's so much easier to tackle the daytime shit. I lasted about 3 months before I gave in and took something. It only took 2 or 3 nights just to break the pattern and it helped me to know they were there in the cupboard in the following months if I needed them.

Think about it

You are doing better than you think my love. Keep going x