Whatnext074 is now handfulofcottonbuds - thread continued

[handfulofcottonbuds]

Both my previous threads have reached their maximum postings so I have decided to NC from Whatnext074 to handfulofcottonbuds - thank you to walkacrossthesand for suggesting it as it makes me smile.

My previous thread is here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1902849-Whatnext074-thread-continued still don't know how to convert links

I have had amazing support and advice from MNers since my H left me for OW - over 3 months on and I still can't believe this has happened.

Thank you to all those lurkers and de-lurkers who have contacted me to say that they have found the advice given on my threads really helpful to them too which is mainly why I am continuing my thread.

I have felt so many emotions, been distraught, desperate, strong, indifferent, weak, scared, independent and sad. What has helped is knowing I'm not alone and knowing there is always someone on MN who offers a hand and I will always be grateful for that.

I have a challenging few months ahead, mediation in January and divorce shortly after and moving out of my home. I am scared right now about my future, for 11 years, I knew my future would be with my H and we could handle anything but now I have to find who I am and create my own future.

Thank you for all your support - I cannot tell you how much it helps xxx

Cotton I would LOVE to be a solicitor like that helping women like you. I would go into work with a smile on my face every single day.

I'm sure your DM is trying to help but I know what you mean, it can be frustrating.

Keep going lovely. Take a peep downwards - see those bootstraps? Give them a hoik. You've come so far and you will go even further from now on xx

bluesky - I think he's trying his luck, maybe encouraged by his parents who are money grabbing now, they never used to be but when we were talking months ago, everything he said sounded like MIL was saying it word for word.

OW obviously has shown herself to be shallow in her actions, 'comforting' a MM who was grieving for our lost little ones. I know the last time I spoke to him on the phone months ago and he was so nasty to me, I know she was there. He denied it but I heard her gasp in the background when I referred to her as a tramp (not my proudest moment I'll admit).

She has a man who earns a lot, has great career potential, is 8 years younger than her and spends thousands on her. She has no morals, she can listen to him speaking to me like something off his shoe and still stay with him. I too would leave a man who spoke to any woman like that, let alone his wife but that's where you and I have dignity.

Well, I don't care if she 'means well', it's not the way to treat people. Certainly not the way to treat people who are really going through it.

I remember your family, cotton, and I think you were probably wise not to go to them this weekend when you are feeling very raw.

I wish we could send you lots of lovely flowers

That's beautiful x

SPRINGY I'll chip in a few pounds to send the flowers Cotton, Just focus on you , your solicitor and what you are able to do. So many ppl told me I was daft and was 'entitled' to so much more and maintenance while at college etc, but H was so horrid I just wanted out. I have enough for my home,I've had to stop college now my money is running out really fast and I am not able to earn so things could get scary but no where near as scary as fighting through courts for a few more pounds,frightened to open emails and scared every time a text came in from him. Although I now have financial concerns, I have more peace than I ever had staying attached to him. You will too. The fear of his threats iME was far worse that the reality. The sooner you can get settlement the better but don't keep thinking about what others think you should or shouldn't doxxxx

Also, when we had a house we used to rent out that he was going to take on in the settlement, I found out 6months later that he hadn't taken me off as the mortgage co, asked him for 20,000 to make the change and he thought 'it was best to leave things as they were' NO!!!!! that meant if he stopped paying I was liable for 190,000!!! I made him sell it. be careful about the idea of just signing it over if there is a mortgage.

"Keep calm and carry on digging deep"

Might print off a few t-shirts with that on the front...

You're doing well cotton. Baby steps...

Having a cuppa in the garden and thinking of you. We're all behind you

In the garden with a brew too... Wearing painting dungarees (mmmm not).

What you up to today cotton?

£20k. Whatever. Who has that sort of money up their sleeve. Idiot.

Thinking of you cotton. I've still to go through what you are doing and I'm dreading it. Need to get myself a decent solicitor! Know of any in the south east????

Small steps Cotton and don't let him wear you down. X

Hope you got through the day ok my lovely.

itwillgetbettersoon - I might be close to you, I'm on my third solicitor so I'll let you know x

cjel - I think he's trying to grind me down too until I get to the point where I give in. The problem when you've shared all your hopes and fears with someone for 11 years is they know your weaknesses.

mamma - I did okay today thanks. Nearly cried but stopped and gave myself a shake - it's an improvement on the past few days.

Thanks for thinking of me x

Cotton, I'm late today but still rooting for you here. I think there are some really good ideas about how to approach the next week or so.

No wonder you are ground down, he's doing a job on you.

For the moment, make sure you get some rest. That is a huge advantage and will give you strength. You have your MN posse behind you and although we are not there in person, we are certainly there in spirit. We are your internet family and that means we don't judge and are not clouded by personal stuff. We just want you to come out the other side of this.

The wonderful thing is that we all know that you will get there. Its not an easy road, but there will always be someone here to pick you up and take your side. That's something to ease your mind tonight.

Be kind to yourself, you are not facing this on your own. x

Thank you so much, it really helps x

The important thing Cotton is that your way through this is not like anyone else's. Its your story and your decisions that matter. We can only imagine what it is like for you but what we do know is that no matter what he throws at you, you are more than able to come through this.

I've watched some of the 'Who do you think you are' programmes and what strikes me is that, without exception, its the strength of the women which shines through. Some of them went through terrible hardships but their grit and determination were amazing.

I'm not saying you need to go back to the dark ages!! but don't underestimate yourself. Despite what you think, there's a lot more of you waiting to get on with your life. Remember that there will be life after this. If you need reminding - just look at your DS

I just had a thought which I don't know is helpful or not - He can only grind you down if you let him. Pay for the best legal advice you can and make a plan with them and don't deviate from it. Try and let the solicitor protect you from him. Have contact only through them. Remember he only has the power to hurt you that you let him have. I know that you may not get what you want because hes an idiot but what will be will be and will happen whether you let him get to you or not.

I hope that isn't hurtful its not meant to be. I was with mine for 35 years of all sorts of abuse and was ground to many breakdowns, and I'm not underestimating how horrid and had this all is. but when I got a solicitor who was worth her weight in gold and constantly reminded me that he could say what he wanted but it didn't mean it was going to happen. I started to feel more in control and he didn't have the power he wanted over me any more.xxxx

Good God, just managed to catch up with everything...Handful...we really are singing off the same hymn sheet aren't we? I have learned a lot from reading your story...and while it fills me with dread, I also feel better prepared. You have been so supportive and helpful on my thread, I hope that I can do the same for you. I know you're having a really rough time a the moment but I guess we have to comfort ourselves with the fact that it won't go on forever and we are also decent human beings, which can't be said for either of our H's and most certainly not for the OW's. I also suspect that the OW in your case is advising and encouraging, the same as the OW is doing in my case, providing my husband with everything and making him dependent. You do wonder what sort of woman could go along with that don't you? You must also know in the wee small hours that in time, he will do exactly the same to you....take comfort in that my darling xxx

Yes he knew you. But you've changed. You're already showing qualities he didn't know you had - heck, you didn't know you had. He doesn't know you any more.

Obvs, not a peep that he may or may not have hit the bullseye. I appreciate that's small comfort when what he is doing is sooo painful sometimes. But I hope that armour comes back on, that glint in the eye, the RAGE xx

Evening, How are you COTTON?x

Hello cjel.

I feel numb today but that suits me fine right now.

I have a few things in the pipeline to get my strength kick started again so I am focusing on that for the moment.

He would have got the letter today from my solicitor demanding OW's income. I emailed H asking him for confirmation that he will pay for removal of rubbish next month that he said he would, no reply, he's like a child and needs to grow up knowing that if I contact him, he can flipping give me the courtesy to reply, I'm being polite and just want his rubbish out.

He will not grind me down, I've done nothing wrong!

I did see photos of PIL on FB (I know, the devil's work) but they look so old now and MIL in particular looks miserable. She is a nasty piece of work and I hold onto the fact that if you are a bitter person, you end up with a bitter looking face! She will be the same with OW eventually. She has a weird obsession with her blue eyed boy.

Thanks so much for thinking of me xx

Hi Handful, just checking in to see how you're doing and there you are. God they are painful aren't they? You ask a simple question...and I have also been asking my H to remove rubbish from the garage for the last 6 months but no...I think he's run out of room at OW's.

I totally agree with the bitter person thing, cold eyes etc..I hate to say it but you can get some comfort from that can't you? I wish I could post up a picture of OW, you'd see what I mean so totally get that.

Lastly, of course, none of us have done anything wrong but it suits them to think differently..it's that guilt word again. Hope you feel stronger tomorrow, baby steps. xxxxx

Good to hear you are on an even keel Cotton. Numb is good in this context. It means you are not moving backwards.

Haha! you made me laugh about your MIL getting the face she deserves. I know someone who is one of those people who is permanently angry, criticises anything that breathes and feels hard done to. I saw her recently and the only way I can describe it is that she looks like her personality. Or to be frank, she hasn't aged well. She will never change and it took me a while to realise that her behaviour wasn't personal. She treats everyone badly.

Having distance from your MIL should give you some peace. She will never change and is stuck with that personality for ever. The OW has that delight to come!

And no, he won't grind you down. He doesn't have half your strength. x

Hi cotton. 2 years down the line since DDs father moved out and cellar STILL full of crap . So, I hired a skip and spent the bank hol weekend filling it. Yes, it cost me £100 but the sheer pleasure of throwing his shite away. He took all the good/expensive/useful stuff obviously. It slightly pisses me off that I have been left to do it but waiting for him was painful and then you're relying on them and they have some element of control. Is there any way you can bite the bullet and get the rubble removed without involving him , perhaps. Just a thought. It's such a good feeling to be In charge , even over such a small thing.

Tell me to stuff off if you like.

Thank you all.

mrsc - sadly my H's OW is stunning, makes me feel ugly but I know she has a black heart. Although I haven't looked at her photos for many months and blocked her on FB so I wouldn't be tempted when I drink some I try not to think of her in any of this, it's him that has betrayed me.

nevergrowingup - she is truly bitter and I don't know how she can even see out of her sunken eyelids and squinty eyes. Oh and a scrawny woman like that should not scoop her scraggly grey hair back showing her flipping receding hair line in all it's shiny spammy gory while wearing a hooded top at her age! Ahh, yes, I do draw some comfort from that

R&B - he wants £20k from me (ha), the least he can do is pay £100 for a skip for his rubbish. My family are visiting in a couple of weeks and will help me fill it.

I'm feeling slightly better already.

R&B - after 7 months of support, I wouldn't tell you to stuff off x

Ah, bless you and your good heart his loss

How about you get it all cleared and then just deduct £100 from his wishful thinking £20k?