Whatnext074 is now handfulofcottonbuds - thread continued

[handfulofcottonbuds]

Both my previous threads have reached their maximum postings so I have decided to NC from Whatnext074 to handfulofcottonbuds - thank you to walkacrossthesand for suggesting it as it makes me smile.

My previous thread is here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1902849-Whatnext074-thread-continued still don't know how to convert links

I have had amazing support and advice from MNers since my H left me for OW - over 3 months on and I still can't believe this has happened.

Thank you to all those lurkers and de-lurkers who have contacted me to say that they have found the advice given on my threads really helpful to them too which is mainly why I am continuing my thread.

I have felt so many emotions, been distraught, desperate, strong, indifferent, weak, scared, independent and sad. What has helped is knowing I'm not alone and knowing there is always someone on MN who offers a hand and I will always be grateful for that.

I have a challenging few months ahead, mediation in January and divorce shortly after and moving out of my home. I am scared right now about my future, for 11 years, I knew my future would be with my H and we could handle anything but now I have to find who I am and create my own future.

Thank you for all your support - I cannot tell you how much it helps xxx

, , and of course a glass of

I'm sorry you're going through such a bad time, cotton. I've been thinking about you a lot and I'm sure I'm not the only one.

Bad times seem so believable when they're happening - but please don't believe it. When it is over you will see it was a phase that you passed through. This too shall pass - it always does.

No it isn't fair is it? There's nothing fair about it. I'm sorry I can't offer any concrete advice, despite years of legal wrangling in the family courts myself (I seem to have blown all my circuits in that department). Legal fees are a shock but the alternative doesn't bear thinking about: they are a necessary expense and, although they seem unfairly steep and you're struggling to pay up at the moment, they will seem a lot smaller once everything is done and dusted and the full picture is revealed. ime there is a lot of batting back and fore and it can swing about quite wildly but the end result usually reflects common sense. Try not to believe the hype of the legal wrangling, try to step away from it somehow (I know this isn't easy). It can be an awful process and if you're hanging onto it you can get flung about iyswim.

Thank you R&B and Springy

My DB says that my solicitor is just writing back and forth as that's how the firm makes it's money. I got quite stern with my solicitor saying that was the 3rd time we were asking for him to provide OW's finances as I can't possible make a decision on a financial settlement without having the full picture and he was meant to provide that on his Form E in January, it was a legal requirement. So why am I still going there a 3rd time, paying out for more legal time and another letter asking him to provide what he should have months ago?

It's like he's calling all the shots, like I'm the one whose done wrong and he's demanding money I don't have. He's nasty. It's unfair because I just feel like I haven't even got the law on my side unless I go to court which will cost an immense amount and I could end up with nothing.

Nobody even seems to be questioning why he's renting a large 3 bedroom detached house when all they need is a 1 bedroom place with just the 2 of them.

I went into this thinking that I didn't know any wife who came off worse financially from a situation like mine but I'm dealing with a nasty, evil man and his OW who is an accountant. I'm stuck and he knows that.

I left my DS's Dad and walked away, I could have got the house and money but I just walked away from it all and started a new life. I can't go through that again, it was a terrible struggle. I'm just scared and also angry that I don't have my strength.

Thank you for all your kind words.

Is there much equity in the house it seems silly to stay if you hate it. Can't you sell and give him his money when you have somewhere of your own. Sorry you 're going through this. Me too. Husband demanding money I have not got. I feel sick with stress, sure you do too x

Although I'd love to do that, I'm afraid it's not an option for the foreseeable future.

I'm sorry you're going through this too. I bet they're not sick with stress x

He's either trying his luck or trying to push me to the edge.

He knows me, has done for 11 years - he has so much money, why continue with this cruelty?

I was doing well, now I'm regretting starting the whole process.

Because he can. My husband has just sent me a photo of his new tattoo proclaiming love for ow. They enjoy the torture. I'm like you, was fine, positive but have gone right back. Stay strong don't let them win x

Cotton, this is a really bad phase and the hurt your Ex is causing you is indescribably unfair. Taking your solicitor to task was important and the disclosure needs to be pursued. They may think they hold all the cards, but you do have rights and keep challenging anything you feel uncomfortable about.

Of course, they have it all worked out... paying back in cash... how convenient. Its going to be more of the same, he is not going to let up through this process. No wonder you feel so helpless. Someone you trusted implicitly has turned into your tormentor and you need to dig deep and find strength to come through this.

It will probably continue to be unfair; you are battling two people who have the luxury of financial security. Remember that they are ahead of you with their plans. By the time he told you, he had already decided and had created his back story so he could walk away unscathed. The casualties in all of this are you and your DS. Don't feel that you can't get through this. The amount of pain they have caused and are continuing to cause is shameful. Personal hurt, then financial ruin. It would knock any decent person off their game.

This is a bad weekend and you may need to let it pass. Your family are your saviours and although they may not feel they can help, they are the ones who will see you through this. Its the people you have around you who matter at the moment. Friends and family.

Slowly you will start to work your way through the financial mess he is creating for you. Being scared is natural and your developing anger is the thing which will drive you forward.

As for him having a 'great life'? That may be the case, but it is a shallow life, built on deception and hate. If it was that great, why keep torturing the person you have just dumped? Why bother? Does he have to keep showing the OW that he's a tough guy and he'll do anything to keep her? What a shabby pair they are.

In contrast, you have wealth - your kindness and humanity shines through. You have people who care about you and will bring you through this. Having bad days is normal. Your fight will return but you need time to consider your options from the solicitor. Over the next few days, let that sink in and explore how else you can move forward. There will be other options, so keep an open mind about what might be next. x

"This too shall pass" important words. It really will.

The whole legal wrangling, back and forth is a wind up. Keep as strong as you can. Keep posting here.

He's living the high life but the fact remains, he's a cunt. He has to live with treating you like this. He may be able to live with it at the mo but it will catch up with him. Life's a bitch like that.

Hold on to the fact that you WILL be ok. You will. I wish I lived nearer, I'd meet you for an Easter and . Thinking of you x

Nevergrowingup...spot on!

Another one wishing I was closer.

I know it all looks bleak and shite just now but one day you will look back and think "I am so much better off". Financially , emotionally whatever. This is the low .realky low. Things can only get better, the only way is up ... And other 80's song titles

Really he's hurting and hurting and hurting you. But there will reach a point where he can do NO more damage and you just think "whatever. Knob".

Make a brew. Have that cry.then go do something positive. Even if its just planting a few cheery flowers, reading the paper or calling a friend x

Hello Cotton. I echo what others have said whilst of course recognising a really real valid feelings that you are going through. The fact of the matter is that 1. it isn't fair. 2. the law for very good reasons has no flexibility for individual circumstances/actions which does feel very unfair and 3. society/life does allow people to walk away from what others thought were lifetime partnerships with little financial obligation. It sucks. Its not fair. But ultimately it is what it is.

But sitting in the moment of realising that it is what it is when one has 'played fair' in life and acted 'honourably' in most circumstances is incredibly challenging to come to terms with so its little wonder that you are feeling low. I remember going to a "counselling" session with then STBEX - which he used as a vehicle to be so vile to be the counsellor ended session - and when I asked outside if he would send form to our health insurance (we had joint at time still obv) he said - yes but I am stopping it tomorrow as what you don't realise is that you will be nothing the fuck to do with me from next week onwards (nice given we had a 2 year old and was in middle of IVF at time). That was a horrific low but as others have said, the moment passed. The moment which I remember clearly walking across a park and which I thought would break me -- well it didn't Cotton and neither will your boxo'cunts ex and his OW. You will not let them do that as you are far too smart.

I know that finances are tremendously scary. God knows 3 years on its not a walk in the park but right back where you are it was terrible. I had not worked in Oz had a 2 year old, had no clue. But slowly slowly we are getting there and it is so nice to be in charge of my own destiny in many ways. And just because you are where you are now, it doesn't mean that you will be there forever. I spent today out on a pretty nice boat with my ex SIL and her husband. 5 years ago she was a single parent, early 40s (older than you now, same age as me now) with ok sole operator business, dating, struggling a bit with 2 kids. I remember telling my ex to tone down his chats about our holidays, new SUV etc. One year I asked her what she really wanted for xmas. She wanted new towels for bathroom. She wasn't skint but things were a challenge. Fast forward 5 years, yes she married a guy with some money but her business took off, she employs about 8 people (inc. me), kids are in private schools HUGE transformation I'm referencing, not because money is anything/everything but that things change, and you seem extremely resourceful and intelligent and you will be OK my love. You will.

Huge love
Dolly x

Morning COTTON, I still haven't had chance to catch up all I've missed,, hope you are feeling less low today? I would ask if you can change solicitor? I had a really good one that cost a bit more per letter etc but as she was so on the ball wrote a lot less. If she requested something that didn't come she didn't waste time nagging she moved to the next step straight away, it may seem more costly but it saved me money and stress in the long run.
Have you decided to see people this weekend or not? I have an 'empty' day today and sometimes struggle to get going, but have decided to choose to be content today. I am putting on music I like and am going to read what I feel like.
Please don't get hopeless.. Live in hope always things that you haven't even considered yet can happen and if you live in hope that they will then today won't seem so bad. for easter for youxx

hi cotton,

I've been reading your thread for a while and just wanted to say hang in there, it will get better.

Having seen a close family member go through a very similar situation, in terms of the OW disclosing her finances I would say that this will never happen and they can't actually force her, despite what you might have been told. Whilst the Form E is a legal document it can only request information it cannot compel a third party, i.e. her, to disclose. I know this from when family member went to court and was insisting on disclosure of OWs finances, OW refused and did not attend. Judge stated that case was to proceed regardless as there is no ability to make her do it. The judge sent them off to discuss options and then come back. Since they could not agree the judge then ruled on what she thought was a fair clean break, having listened to both sides. Just to warn you, there is no blame attached to either party's behaviour, it is just done on objective financial facts. It didn't matter to the judge who cheated or who walked away and started a new relationship, they are not interested at all. I'm just raising this in case your solicitor hasn't made this clear. Its brutal I know, especially when you've done nothing wrong but better to be prepared.

If your Ex's OW is an accountant then I would say that you have absolutely no chance of getting access as she will probably be fully aware of all this. Given that you do not have children with your ex and there is only one asset in question (the house) then it is even less likely. Sorry to be negative, but feel its only fair that you are made aware of this and do not get your hopes up. Your solicitor cannot make the OW comply no matter how many times they write a letter to your ex's solicitor. I would hate to see you waste money chasing this with no result.

Sorry to be negative Cotton. Its always darkest before the dawn, but the sun will rise again no matter how bleak things appear now - promise.

Boomer

Oh dear, it's not looking good for me is it? What's the point of a Form E if you can miss important things out? It has a legal disclaimer to sign that all evidence must be provided and it must be true. I wish I hadn't been honest on mine now and let him question mine. I am too honest.

They are evil. Why push me to the edge? They've done enough.

I liked it when I was strong, but this uncertainty is terrible.

Thank you for all your kind words x

It looks great for you COTTON, maybe not in the way you have been hoping but that doesn't mean there isn't something better to come.

Thank you cjel. I'm not money grabbing, never have been. I just want my own home and for this to end. It's harder than I thought.

Hope you're well x

Its true they say it is one of the hardest things to go through emotionally , It will end though and you will be happy again. Its so hard if you think you may not even get what you should basically have, like a home. It feels so tiring to have to struggle. Keep focused, have you done anythingn to get the house ready to sell?

Cotton, I've just read your threads, and I really wish I could give you a big hug. You have coped amazingly and been so strong through so much. I am honestly in awe.
I can only say that I wish all sorts of happiness to you and your DS (who sounds like a wonderful young man). I can't offer any wisdom or advice, but wanted to let you know how much I admire your strength and composure. x

I am painting at the moment (not good with a rotator cuff injury). I'm going to get the house valued again by 2 Agents and see a Mortgage Adviser. My solicitor said she doesn't think I'll get a mortgage on what I earn though.

veryseriousgirl - have you read all my threads?? My goodness, must have taken a while. Thank you so much for your very kind words, you have made me smile.

This set back is different because it's not my emotions causing me to have this blip, it's the reality of the finances and the law which is seemingly out of my control.

Baby steps x

I NC for another post, it is me that wrote above x

Cotton...I pm'd you xx

Hello cotton. How are you doing?

If you haven't got £20k, he can ask for it as much he likes. He can demand it. Spit his dummy out. But if you haven't got it, you can't magic it up. What's he going to do?

I know it must feel like he's going for the pound of flesh from your heart in lieu of the £20k but surely your solicitor has to say. "As you know from reading my client's completely transparent financial declaration, she doesn't have £20k so your arsehole of a client will have to wait for the sale of the house- And in the meantime he can go fuck himself

Cotton you will get your mojo back - this is just a blip xx

I think the 20k is a complete smokescreen, it's another weapon he is using to hurt you - without a contract signed by you the liability for his parents money is not yours and any profit from the house sale will only be available after its sold so f*ck his timetable and his demands. If the solicitor cannot do anything else she should be resolving that.

Do your local Housing Association do a shared ownership scheme where you own a %? It's how one of my friends got her foot on the housing ladder - I know in my area they are building more (in a really nice position too)

I think it's also an indicator of how dumbfuck blind some women can be at the start of a relationship that his frauline isn't looking at his behaviour and going "im off". Years ago I met a really nice guy who told me how after the birth of their child he had grown to really despise his wife... never saw him again as I thought how he treated his ex was an indicator for how he would treat me if it ended.

your arsehole of a client will have to wait for the sale of the house- And in the meantime he can go fuck himself

That's the kind of solicitor I need Boop

onmyownwith4kids - I'm sorry, I didn't address your post. That is awful and seems that he has to 'prove' something to himself and OW. Why send you a photo of it? They are so low to want to hurt us - why can't they just get on with it rather than continually push us?

My DM hung up on me this morning as I said I can't put the house on the market this week. She is insisting I do that and get out of the house but I tried to say it's not as easy as that, I'm going through a divorce and a financial settlement hasn't been agreed. She got angry - probably her frustration - and hung up on me.

I just get fed up of well meaning people getting annoyed with me because I can't do what they think is best. I'm in the middle of this, I'm getting legal advice and much as I would like things to be straight forward, they are not. So why make me worse by being like that with me when I'm feeling down? I know she means well.

This is my life and not theirs much as they think they are helping, it will take time for my happy ever after.

Today - I'm digging deep x