Whatnext074 is now handfulofcottonbuds - thread continued

[handfulofcottonbuds]

Both my previous threads have reached their maximum postings so I have decided to NC from Whatnext074 to handfulofcottonbuds - thank you to walkacrossthesand for suggesting it as it makes me smile.

My previous thread is here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1902849-Whatnext074-thread-continued still don't know how to convert links

I have had amazing support and advice from MNers since my H left me for OW - over 3 months on and I still can't believe this has happened.

Thank you to all those lurkers and de-lurkers who have contacted me to say that they have found the advice given on my threads really helpful to them too which is mainly why I am continuing my thread.

I have felt so many emotions, been distraught, desperate, strong, indifferent, weak, scared, independent and sad. What has helped is knowing I'm not alone and knowing there is always someone on MN who offers a hand and I will always be grateful for that.

I have a challenging few months ahead, mediation in January and divorce shortly after and moving out of my home. I am scared right now about my future, for 11 years, I knew my future would be with my H and we could handle anything but now I have to find who I am and create my own future.

Thank you for all your support - I cannot tell you how much it helps xxx

Not sure how much more I can take.

I feel dreadful. I feel like the 'happy ever after' won't be mine.

As long as I live, I'll never understand how someone who claimed to love me forever can continue to be so cruel. I've done nothing wrong, I try so hard to be a good person, why am I the one left out of control and suffering.

It hurts.

cotton, my heart goes out to you because I know exactly how you feel. i used to feel like that too. I don't any more (well maybe a little at times), but I honestly can tell you that it does and will get better.

there will always be things that knock you off your feet again. This isn't the first and it wont be the last.

You are just going through a low point because of the letters and demands. Pick yourself up and carry on again. you know that you can do it. plan something for the weekend so that you have something to look forward to.

I agree it is bloody awful - but you can get through it, you can be happy and you will be OK.

I know that feeling of despair and helplessness - it is dire. Just keep holding on. And don't try and comprehend his actions - you aren't wired like him and will never understand it. Be grateful that you don't - that shows what a good person you are - and what a not nice person he is.

Lavender is right, you are wired with a heart, with compassion and feelings. You will never make sense of someone whose only course of action is to visit his unhappiness upon you. You are an easy target for his own hate - of himself.

Underneath, he will know that he has done a terrible thing and he has cut off anyone who has shown contempt for his choices. That leaves him in a bubble of his own making. He has to stay sweet for the bean counter, otherwise all the pain he has caused would be pointless. For his own ego, he has to make this new relationship work, regardless of how many waves of hurt he throws at you.

Remember Dolly's words - detach yourself from thinking there is a reason for this. There isn't. The only reason is that a flirtatious moment got out of hand and resulted in him throwing away all that mattered to him. He went too far down the road and decided that the grass was greener on the other side. Whether it is or not isn't important but protecting yourself from his behaviour is. How did it go with the new solicitor? Have you had some better advice?

Hang on in there Cotton. x

Not good nevergrowingup, not good x

Oh Cotton - your sadness is palpable. Wish I could help...

Cotton, for now, get through this evening. You don't need to type anything here.

You will know that inside all of this mess there is still 'you'. A decent, generous and loving mother. By the sound of it, too decent by far for your Ex. This is going to continue until you can ditch him for good. Don't beat yourself up for feeling bad. When you are taken down by more bad news, all the other issues will flood in - I think particularly your closeness and grief following your losses. His attitude to you now will put all of that in doubt. Its another part of the hurt.

Take strength from your MN lifeboat scooping you up and surrounding you with care. Other have been there and have come out the other side. Remember, the most important thing at the moment is to be kind to yourself and lean on those around you. x

xx

Cotton, have you plans for the weekend. I'm hoping your DS is home now and you have to catch up with his news.

Hello cotton x you will never understand your H as he isn't the same person that you married. He has had to change his values, morals and soul to be with the OW. I know how you feel - I was saying the same thing to a friend of mine tonight - I will never understand why my h did what he did - it was the last thing I expected of him - and I'm two years on.

Keep strong you are doing so well. Keep talking to us here. You are a strong lovely woman. X

I have no plans, family are asking me to see them but I'm not good right now, even though they wouldn't mind, I just can't face them.

My son is home but he's away again from tomorrow. I haven't really seen him for 2 weeks and then he comes home to see me in a heap crying. Feel terrible.

It's more about the disbelief that the law doesn't seem to be on my side. I've spent so much already and I'm not going to come out of this well. What's the point?

There is something positive in seeing your DS continue to live his life. He will be concerned for you but you are not stopping him living. That is something to be proud of, no matter how hollow you feel. You are able to give that to him. See that as a positive in the middle of all the other crap. Despite how you feel, you are still able to give. That's real love.

I know you feel you are not in a good place to see family but I sense that they are there for you, regardless. Its important to wait until the morning and see how you feel. Even someone coming round with some shopping, or having someone cook some dinner might sound better tomorrow.

The law can be an ass sometimes. I am shocked to hear that the news has not been positive. For the moment, nothing is going to happen over this weekend. Take the days to let it sink in and plan your next move. Despite the future looking bleak, you know that underneath everything, you need to cut and run. I am sure that the other side of this will be much more bearable in reality than it sounds at the moment.

Focus on your wonderful DS. He is there for you and needs you as much as ever. Take pride in his independence and tap into some of the hope he has for his future. He needs you there for him, if only to nag! x

Hello My lovely, I have just found you again and haven't had chance to catch up. So sad to hear that your feel crap at the moment and hope you can find something that will give you peace this evening.

I have to go and won't be around again for a couple of days but wanted to let you know I am thinking of you.

Better explain who I am in case you don't recognise my name I used to be CJEL but had to namechange to register again when they were hacked.

Stay strong there is a point and when you speak to someone on Monday you will know more. As I said I haven't caught up yet but you are a strong lovely woman and your life won't always be as crap as it feels nowxxx

Its almost sunny here.

Hope you were able to get some rest and some sleep has helped you feel better. Do take help from your family, even if its just someone being there. x

Good morning cotton. Almost sunny here too. Hope you got some sleep. Your DS sounds lovely.

Lovely and sunny here. Hope it is in your neck of the woods.

I know it's easier said than done...I know...but you cannot reason as to why this has happened. You can't understand why he is being so nasty. It is mental torture to keep wondering why. If you were to ask him, even he wouldn't be able to answer you.

You will get through this, you will. I'm so angry that he is dragging out the hurt for you and having a final twist of the knife.

You were doing so well, you've come so so far. Please, keep focused on the peaceful, contented life that awaits you once this shit is dealt with.

Please see your family this weekend... Even just a short visit. If it doesn't help, you can leave but sometimes it's the best thing. Be around the people who love you.

Sending you a hug and am sharing a with you. Pm me anytime over the weekend. Lean on your rl friends and your MN cheerleaders.
X

Cjel...hope you're well

Morning cotton. No work today for you I hope and the sun is shining (hopefully).

Right - you know he's a shit, we know he's as shit AND deep down bean counter (loving the name) knows he's a shit.

So stop being so surprised and hurt - HE'S A SHIT. I don't know if this will help but another poster recommended this to me. Say out loud "he's a shitty mean twat, I hope you get warts and IT DOESN'T MATTER". Repeat. Slam a few kitchen cupboard doors at the sane time .a personal favourite of mine.

Yep, you are the baddy... Well let them go on with themselves. You, your family , friends and the whole of MN know that's not the case. So , as dolly put so well, expect the shit, laugh and shrug him off.

Grow and blossom , you're doing so well. The sooner you get your solicitors ass kicked the better.

Call plusnet and get yourself set up - you don't need sky anyway. I got a better deal than previous. And I found out my house insurance HALVED when the policy in my ex's name ran out and he didn't think to tell me. Luckily I wrote it on calendar. You're a new customer.

Wish I could bob round and galvanise you and against his nonsense. But I'm too far away and have hired a skip to chuck all ex's cellar crap into

Here's an Easter hug

Hi cjel xx

Just read the bit about him cutting sky, phone and Internet off...

Ffs...he is such a nob...

Morning cotton! What have you got planned for today? Hope you can enjoy the sun and maybe hook up with family/friends and eat chocolate x

Afternoon cotton how are you? I'm jet washing the patio and making such a mess. Very therapeutic though as I squeeze the trigger! X

The thing is handful you KNOW he does something spiteful before every special date - the "accidental" present before xmas, malicious letters when there is a danger enjoying your life may allow you to forget them

Please don't let him keep pushing your buttons - try to do something enjoyable this weekend and push the bugger out of your mind if he even starts to creep in.

Thank you all and hello Cjel x

It seems that I am stuck. My new solicitor said that the best option is for me to accept that he is going to sign the house over to me, even though I can't afford the mortgage. She said we'll ask for ongoing maintenance from him but it will mean that I will be unable to save any money for years and also that he can continue to live a 5* lifestyle.

He still refuses to give OWs income details even though they are living together and have a 12 month rental contract. He has said after this time, he wants to buy a house and there's no plans to buy with OW - they haven't discussed that yet

Apparently, he can cut off the remaining utilities and pass them to me.

He says he has paid for holidays, many hotel stays etc but she has paid half - by cash to him conveniently.

I thought spending marital assets on OW was frowned upon legally while going through a divorce, especially as it amounts to thousands over the past 7 months. Seems he can do what he likes!

I'm the one suffering financially, he is living a great life - I've done nothing wrong.

He hated this house as much as I did and now he gets to walk away from it and potentially with a £20k payoff! How is that fair??

As Dolly said, I've given up trying to work out how he can be like this but what I can't work out is how come I'm the one who is left financially worse off? It's just unfair.

I know the law doesn't look at blame in divorce but how is it fair that a cheating man can earn almost 4 times what I do and also have OW who earns the same if not more can get away with this.

I can't do anything this weekend, I'm not in a good place sadly.