Whatnext074 is now handfulofcottonbuds - thread continued

[handfulofcottonbuds]

Both my previous threads have reached their maximum postings so I have decided to NC from Whatnext074 to handfulofcottonbuds - thank you to walkacrossthesand for suggesting it as it makes me smile.

My previous thread is here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1902849-Whatnext074-thread-continued still don't know how to convert links

I have had amazing support and advice from MNers since my H left me for OW - over 3 months on and I still can't believe this has happened.

Thank you to all those lurkers and de-lurkers who have contacted me to say that they have found the advice given on my threads really helpful to them too which is mainly why I am continuing my thread.

I have felt so many emotions, been distraught, desperate, strong, indifferent, weak, scared, independent and sad. What has helped is knowing I'm not alone and knowing there is always someone on MN who offers a hand and I will always be grateful for that.

I have a challenging few months ahead, mediation in January and divorce shortly after and moving out of my home. I am scared right now about my future, for 11 years, I knew my future would be with my H and we could handle anything but now I have to find who I am and create my own future.

Thank you for all your support - I cannot tell you how much it helps xxx

Just going to bed now and thought is see how you were doing. I hope you get a good nights sleep and things are a bit brighter in the morning.
We are all here for you xx

'I'd'.... Fricking phone xx

Thanks for thinking of me.

I'm going to stay at a friend's tomorrow night, not too good on my own right now.

Thanks for the support xx

Sounds good Cotton. Look after yourself, that's your priority. The other stuff will wait. Nothing is more important than your own health. x

That sounds like a great idea. Give you some breathing space from the constant merry go round you're on.
How are you this morning? X

I'm not great this morning, slept terribly x

He replied to my email telling me not to claim against the house insurance for the damp and that he refuses to answer anything about the work in the house as we are working to agree a settlement. He said he has paid for the house insurance and it's not my business to be contacting them.

I let myself down and replied asking him to try to remember who I am through this process. No reply. It's like I'm the one who has done wrong. He's a monster, so cruel and totally detached.

I am really struggling with this.

so sorry he is being so cruel. If it helps in my experience they all do this. I think it is a method to help them 'hate' you. Their feelings won't switch off over night, but if they are nasty to you then it justifies what they are doing. They are trying to convince themselves you are not nice, they also want you to hate them so it gives them a reason for leaving.

His behaviour is all about him, it is not a reflection on you or anything you have done wrong. It is very difficult to equate his behaviour now with the man he once was. Impossible really. Just keep on going and keep talking here.

Thank you Lavender.

It helps to know that they all do it and yes, it probably is his twisted way of justifying what he's doing. I think that's why I emailed him asking him to remember who I am in the hope that there would be the slightest realisation of how we once were. Not that I want him back - far from it - I just want him to stop pushing me to the edge. I'm a bit too close to it now.

Morning...

I'm so glad you are staying with a friend. You sound well supported. Lean on people.

He may have paid the bloody insurance but your his wife- and it's on your house, surely you can contact them?? Surely you can claim on it???? That would solve the damp problem?! Do you legally need his agreement? Surely not??

The 20k thing is just him fronting it and trying it on. Not being in any way flippant but I honestly think we'll be laughing about it when all this is done and dusted. You have to hold on to the belief that this will go in your favour.

Be strong xx having a morning cuppa with you....we're all here for you xx

I know what you mean - you just hope some words will unlock him and he will snap out of his awful treatment of you. Sadly nothing will. It will probably make him dig his heels in and act worse - you are giving him all the power asking him to be nice. It almost feels like he is enjoying all the control and nastiness. Is utterly horrid I know.

Nasty man - the fact you are so shocked at his horrid actions proves how lovely you are, your brain doesn't work like his and each time he is horrid it is a shock which leaves you reeling. I hope your break away does you some good.

Cotton, long time lurker here, just catching up with your threads but I saw in the newspapers Saturday that there are changes to mortgage lending rules coming in where you will have to show 3 months bank statements to show your outgoings and expenses. Might this be what has pushed OH and OW into getting a mortgage now?
www.theguardian.com/money/2014/apr/12/need-mortgage-new-rules-lenders-check
Wishing you well.

Thank you all and yes, I still find it unbelievable that he can continue this. I have given him power back by asking him to be nice, he is not the man I knew, I am nothing to him so why should he care. I won't do that again.

daylily - I'll have a read of that at lunch time, thanks for the link. I knew the changes were happening today and didn't think it would push him to hurry a settlement, I was just thinking of it in terms of myself. You're probably right about that. He's so horrible. I'm ashamed to have married him.

Don't give yourself a hard time about asking to remember who you are. You are human and not an emotionless robot. I think you have been massively restrained given the constant provocation.
He seems to be using bully tactics. If you want to contact the home insurance in the home you are living in, that has sod all to do with him.
You are so so strong, no doubt stronger than he thought and it's prompting him to dig deep into his soulless conscience as his usual weaponry isn't working. He is not worthy to wipe the soles of your shoes x

I concur...do not feel bad about asking him to remember who you are. You are human, he needs reminding of that as he seems to be acting like some kind of arse hole robot without feelings x

Oh Cotton - dropping by again - and so sorry to hear that you are so low and having a tough time.

I just wanted to say that I had a bit of an epiphany a few months ago -- having spent THREE years pretty much tying myself up in knots trying to figure out how my ex could be so vindictive and cruel and all of the things that you talk about in relation/respect to me.

Something happened that literally bought me to my knees as he had gone out of his way to be spectacularly and - honestly - disgustingly appalling to me for no reason when I had acted in a 'good/nice' way. And it has been quite liberating. It is this. I think you can change this to your ex and his OW.

The basis of my husband and his OW relations predicates itself on the fact that she/he rescued him from a terrible life with a dreadful woman (me). They didn't have an affair. It was necessary to 'save his life'.

They therefore have to ensure that I remain, in their minds, the dreadful woman who is not human. To acknowledge that I am a normal, nice person does not fit into their world view. It would mean that they have to fact up to the fact that they were a bit grubby with the whole adultery thing.

So. I am the hideous shrew -- and this is the important part - IRRESPECTIVE of how I act, and what I do.

This realisation has been liberating. I am no longer floored with the next 'move' from him. I just think, oh of course you would do / say that. I don't spend anymore time (and trust me I have spent WEEKS of my life) analysing things I wrote/said/did that get twisted and are 'wrong' in his eyes because I know anything/everything is wrong. Enormously freeing. It means I just have to worry about ME, my actions, what is right for me.

I think this is what is happening in your world. You are a 'non' person in their eyes. To make you real is to invalidate their 'story'. So. I'm afraid you are in for more of the same hurt each and every time he acts cruelly, negates the past and acts in a way that you find horrifying.

I know its so hard my love and took me such a long time to get there but it is not a reflection on what you had. It is a reflection of what he has done and the things our brains do when we have to try and live with decisions.

Good luck and I hope that thinking about things in the above way, may help a little. xx

"it's not my business to be contacting them" - and its no longer his place to be telling you what you can and cant do (arse) If you could win an Oscar for being unnecessarily unpleasant he would definately be a nominee.

None of us get everything we want in life (id quite like to shag Idris Elba...not gonna happen either!) You set the time schedule here and if he starts the "I will stop paying bills" crap then point out it is his credit rating he will be fucking up not yours. He has the power to upset you but with regard to timescales and inconvenience you definately hold the balance of power here, despite all his macho willy waggling.

But mate you do need to see a good financial adviser - the sooner you separate yourself from this tosser the sooner you can get on with your life and leave him to his futile life of shallow excess.

What amazing comments and support are here. Dolly, I know people like that too. They've decided what role you are playing and it keeps their story alive. People are all too eager to trash a previous relationship, even although it was never considered a bad relationship at the point of separation. Its guilt talking.

Cotton, your comments to him about you deserving respect are no more than a decent person would do. It reminds me of my role as a parent. If my DCs were treating anyone that badly I would have their guts for garters. You were trying to appeal to his better nature... nope, its gone. Don't beat yourself up for trying.

His paying for the house insurance has got nothing to do with you claiming. If you need to claim, claim. His assertion that it wasn't your business is pathetic. He seems to have forgotten that he made vows to you when you got married. Those vows have legal implications and you have rights in the marital home.

He's made his choice to be with the bean counter but he doesn't get to trash you in the process. His lack of humanity is shocking but as Dolly says, no more than liars are capable of.

sorry I know I'm new to this thread but if you need to claim on the house insurance please do it. There is no reason not to. They will send an assessor out first and they will tell you what works need to be undertaken. I presume like most insurance you have an excess on the insurance that will need to be paid I guess that he knows that, he would be liable for this and that is why he told you not to claim especially if the insurance is in his name, I think it's important to have that on official record especially as he wants £20k. He is still liable for the house costs. It may help with negotiating the final financial issues.

I guess that you could also have other "essential housing costs" that he would be liable for as well. Sorry don't know the state of your house. The point is maybe he knows that you you could supply a list of everything that needs addressing and that he would be liable for 50%.

Thank you all xx

dolly - your posts are very insightful as always x

He actually wrote a list of what needed doing in the house to get it ready for a sale as we were looking to move, a couple of months before he left, I still have the list thank goodness.

I can't get an appointment with my new solicitor until Thursday afternoon. He is cutting off the sky, internet and home phone on Tuesday, as it's Easter weekend, there is nothing I can do. My solicitor's secretary suggested I call his solicitor and ask for an extension until I can get legal advice. I've been calling them all afternoon with no answer. I'll try again tomorrow.

I got my voting cards through for the election, none for him which means he has now changed his legal residence that he was so precious about keeping for his job purposes. He's dropped all connection to the property.

I'll ask my solicitor on Thursday whether she advises me to contact the insurance company, after all, it has been caused by the extremely wet winter.

You are all amazing to me, I appreciate it so much, I need it right now - it helps

Oh and he also said he will do certain work in the house but he feels 'uncomfortable' doing anything while the house is occupied.

Makes it easier for him to have a clear conscience without seeing me - just keeps up his fantasy that I don't factor in his new life at all. This is my home, I don't trust him. At least I have it in writing now. Much as I don't care what OW thinks, I don't think she'll be happy for him to be coming back here to do work. It suits both of them that he has only been here a total of 2 hours in 7 months, then I am no threat am I?!

No matter how loved up he is with the OW, you and he share a good number of years together. Good and bad times - and yes, there will have been a lot of good times.

For me, if they are happy and content in their relationship, there is no need to see you as a threat. And there is nothing stopping him treating you with dignity. She must be a piece of work if she is condoning his behaviour.

Two hours in seven months... hmmm... it strikes me as 1) there's not a great deal of trust from her and 2)he can't face you. Its much easier being a bastard via email and text. That way he doesn't have to look into your eyes.

He feels 'uncomfortable'? hahahaha... he knows there's a MN posse waiting behind the door for him. He ought to be more than uncomfortable!

You are so right. He cannot face me, I know that. When I have seen him, I haven't made it hard for him at all. I actually make him welcome in the house and ask if he wants a drink, asked if he wanted me to move my car while he loaded his up with his belongings - he refused everything. He cannot take any kindness from me but I'm not a bad person - I'm not a mug either though. Maybe that's why he cries every time he sees me and then gets this heart of stone again.

I have no idea what OW's personality is like - except that she's German and doesn't mind shacking up with a MM.

As most of you say though, I'll never understand as I don't have that mentality.

nevergrowingup - you have made me smile for the first time in days