Whatnext074 is now handfulofcottonbuds - thread continued

[handfulofcottonbuds]

Both my previous threads have reached their maximum postings so I have decided to NC from Whatnext074 to handfulofcottonbuds - thank you to walkacrossthesand for suggesting it as it makes me smile.

My previous thread is here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1902849-Whatnext074-thread-continued still don't know how to convert links

I have had amazing support and advice from MNers since my H left me for OW - over 3 months on and I still can't believe this has happened.

Thank you to all those lurkers and de-lurkers who have contacted me to say that they have found the advice given on my threads really helpful to them too which is mainly why I am continuing my thread.

I have felt so many emotions, been distraught, desperate, strong, indifferent, weak, scared, independent and sad. What has helped is knowing I'm not alone and knowing there is always someone on MN who offers a hand and I will always be grateful for that.

I have a challenging few months ahead, mediation in January and divorce shortly after and moving out of my home. I am scared right now about my future, for 11 years, I knew my future would be with my H and we could handle anything but now I have to find who I am and create my own future.

Thank you for all your support - I cannot tell you how much it helps xxx

I have phoned the solicitors this morning asking to change to another partner and am waiting for a call back. They wanted to know reasons etc and said they are not sure whether it can be done. I employ them so I know I can choose or Ill go elsewhere.

I am having to take this afternoon off work, I cant concentrate, feel sick and full of dread. I knew this would come but I didnt think hed ask for so much. I simply cant afford to get a place rented or bought on the remainder. There is also so much work that he left or didnt complete in the house and a major damp issue from the wet winter that needs sorting. I emailed him twice to ask what he intends to do about the work in the house and have heard nothing.

Im sorry, Im so sick right now and feel like its really out of my control. I am in disbelief at what he is doing but Im more sick over my future. I just cant believe it. I dont know what to do, I was doing well but Im crumbling, Im tired of it. Cant stop crying. How can someone do this and sleep at night? He knows Im on all kinds of medication and he keeps pushing all for more money when they have so much. Ive done nothing to deserve this.

I am so sorry to hear that this has got to you and you feel taken back to some of your worst times. Whatever is going on with your Ex is no excuse for him treating you in this way. It beggars belief - do you have some RL support. Someone who can take some of this pressure off you?

Regarding the things you went through as a couple. You know the truth, as does he. Whether he has rewritten this part of his life as well is irrelevant, he will be adapting his story to keep the OW in her place, keep her where he wants her. Does she have DC? Life experience usually gives people a degree of empathy. I get the feeling that your Ex and the OW are part of that breed of self-indulgent twats. You'll never make sense of them, but they do not dictate your life choices to you. Their needs are not above yours - at all.

Its great that you have taken a first step with the solicitor. Of course the choice is yours. You are paying them for advice and for a service. That is your priority at the moment. Your house and its repairs will wait. Use your energy to get some control back. Don't lump everything together - looking at everything on your radar will be overwhelming.

You are right - you have done nothing to deserve this but you will never make sense of their motives. Morality goes out the window when lust and selfishness take over. What you do have is dignity, a wonderful DS and support. Dig deep into those reserves and tick one thing off the list each day. Your ex is all over the place, you don't need to respond to his hysteria.

He said she doesn't have DC and I believe that. Before he left, when I asked him how he could do it after losing our 2 tiny ones, he said I knew when I married him that he didn't want children. My heart broke again. Yet his bitch of a Mum has told the family that he was heartbroken and is still coming to terms with it and that's their excuse for his behaviour.

I haven't heard back from the solicitor, I probably won't now until next week. I'm trying to find out from different companies if this ring-fenced amount exists, not getting anywhere so far.

You're right, I'm overwhelmed with it in it's entirety. I always advise people to take it in small chunks to deal with things but I'm on a timescale, no solicitor at the moment to put him on hold either.

My family are at a loss with how to support me. My Mum offered to come and do some cleaning and wash my curtains though.

It's so hard sn't it..I like you have been through all the emotional turmoil, the betrayal, having your whole life changed as the result of some sordid little affair. You're just about getting to grips with that and trying to move on and then the whole horror of divorce and dealing with their unreasonable behaviour with the finances..I know how you feel..i've got to the end of the week with my husband refusing to cooperate or be reasonable about things, huge legal bills being built up and money being wasted as a result and feel utterly exhausted by it all..Never realised that stress could make you feel so physically ill. I'm so sorry your ex is continuing to make life difficut..At least when this is over we can rebuild our lives with dignity and integrity whereas their whole future is one based on lies, deceit and manipulation.

I'd take the help from your Mum at least a distraction may help lift you a bit.

Can you look at the house how buyers would and think about what bit that need doing you could do yourself, keeping yourself busy will stop your mind from having time to brood.

If 15 of the 20k he wants is for the ringfenced amount then he doesnt really have a leg to stand on regarding that unless he produces the agreement signed by you

If you give him a payoff is he then walking away from any equity from the house and transferring ownership to you?

So he has gone off with a 40 something childless career woman good luck to him.

Cotton, there are some good advice guides (public orgs) and it might be worth reading some more. As BlueSky says, unless there is a signed agreement by all parties, it can't be enforced. After all, who asks for a gift back . In a joint mortgage you are both liable, jointly.

Even if the OW is an accountant, it doesn't mean a thing unless her experience is in the right area. She's probably talking bollocks.

www.advicenow.org.uk/living-together/breaking-up/

I agree to take whatever help you can. Even if its pretty mindless, it can just be a comfort to have someone there, doing something.

Don't worry about putting him on 'hold'. You are allowed a reasonable amount of time to respond. Throwing random deadlines at you doesn't make them valid.

oh cotton, I'm so sorry you're going through it. Take heart, you will come through this. You came through the worst night of your life, you will come through this. You have a lot of grit.

ime when I've been in a pit I find it hard to think of even simple things - so I hope you don't mind if I make some suggestions?

• Someone recommended CAB on another thread - perhaps give them a go? They are GOOD and they are free! In my city you turn up first thing in the morning and get in a queue, guaranteed to be seen that day. (Perhaps you could also post in legal to get some suggestions/advice?)

• I'm hesitating to include this and please excuse me if it sounds glib, but did you see The Good Wife last night? The lead female character was in a legal battle with an ex, ex does something low, lead character gets upset that he could go so low - lead character's colleague says 'you're thinking "how could he be so low?" ' re ex has got her, she's swallowed his hook. Lead character brushes herself down and does something equally low/lower. [ex says 'how could you be so low?' - now ex has swallowed the hook...]

• A technique I learned when my life was unmanageable is to FLOAT. Float over what's going on. It's a good technique, give it a try?

thinking of you lovely

If you give him a payoff is he then walking away from any equity from the house and transferring ownership to you?

Yes bluesky, he wants nothing to do with the house and a clean break with £20k. The equity isn't much at all. He wants to transfer the house to me, I definitely can't pay the mortgage.

OW also has a psychology degree - bet she's loving putting it all into practice, playing with my head!

I've managed to change my solicitor and she will take my file home this weekend to read and contact me on Monday to make an appointment.

The letter I received yesterday was in response to a letter that my solicitor (the man I saw once) sent to ex's solicitor. I was meant to see and approve that letter before it got sent and then be sent a final copy. I am in the dark as to what was sent!! My new solicitor, said she will look into what happened there.

I just don't need the added stress from my own flipping solicitor - especially when I'm paying hundreds a time!

springy - where I am, there is no CAB office anymore with the cuts to services it's just telephone advice. I tried the telephone number over a period of days but it just rings and rings whatever time or day I call.

Thank you all for the advice and the

Seriously, thanks for all your advice and support - it really does help me (again) x

Ahh springy (another Good Wife fan) I liked Alicia's response to that I actually burst out laughing

Handful - hopefully your new solicitor will have some new ideas.

So is the gist of it that your house is still largely mortgaged? If that is the case how can expect you to just hand him cash....twat. It takes as long as it takes - let him rattle his chains and reiterate he will be damaging his own credit rating

Yes bluesky - we've only been paying it for 8 years.

His letter also said that I'm not entitled to more and what he's offering is very generous as we've had a short marriage of 4 years. We had been living together for almost 11 years though and my previous solicitor said that is also added on.

Yes - you 'relationship' is the thing, not the marriage. I can't understand why he wants this £20K; as has been said before, unles you signed to the effect that you understood it to be paid beck in the event of the marriage breakup, he can whistle for it. If it was a loan, it should be sighned for. If it was a gift, then it can't be demanded back. Esp after 8 years.
Your sol sounds like he just wants an easy life! No, you need a Rottweiler. Hope the new one is more on your side.

He said, He said, he said - who cares. Its not about what he wants. He has to follow the procedures just as much as anyone. He needs to be forced to disclose his earning (don't suppose you have any proof? Bank statments, invoices etc) and hers too. He can't just demand the equity from the house and gift the rest to you. Not on.

He wants the £20k for a deposit to buy a house with OW - even though he insisted during Mediation that, "why would he ever get a mortgage with another woman"?

He's twisted and evil.

I got his bank statements sparky which is where I saw that he spends all his salary on a 5* lifestyle. He refused to give OW's finances. I will insist on that when I see my new solicitor as how can I agree on a settlement without all the facts?

For some reason, he really doesn't want to provide that - or maybe she doesn't. Tough! If she's happy to take my H then she needs to see it through to the end.

Wonder what the statistics are for 'new' relationships surviving under this strain?

Oh and if I hear the word 'amicable' from him again - I'll scream!

Hurt me and my family - be prepared to see it through. This isn't only about them and their selfish desires in their make believe world.

I love the way that they can talk about 'amicable' as if they're the ones with the moral high ground. Surely it's not 'amicable' to lie and cheat and start an affair behind your wife's back

oh that DRATTED solicitor

Get a copy of that blasted letter - and play merry hell with the firm (ffs!! I'm raging on your behalf ). In a situation like this one feels every single bump in the road and could do without an idiot solicitor, frankly. How dare he send a letter without clearing it with you first More to the point, what did it say? It could well have precipitated this crisis.

re CAB can you travel to an office?

re OW - I'd take with a huge pinch of salt what she does or doesn't know, or how complicit she is in all this. The chances are he has pulled the wool over her eyes and she has no idea of the true picture.

And he can fuck off with 'amicable'. 'No trouble' is what he means.

Morning handful....

I've been a bit busy recently and need to catch up with your thread...I see you're having a hard time.

Just wanted to say keep strong, hope you're ok.

Will check back in when I've caught up on the thread.

Hugs xxx

I agree that unless there is a signed written agreement saying that this money is a loan to be repaid, that there is no proof of anything. I had similar in my own case, where my parents gave me money that they had been saving into a policy for ten years, but it was a gift, had added value to the house, (converted garage, new kitchen), and therefore increased the equity, meaning that XH could get more money, but thankfully he didnt.

Another friend, whose parents gave him money, are spitting bricks because the wife is claiming half the equity. They are claiming that they gave them £40K and it should be repaid first, but the W is claiming it was a gift, and there is nothing in writing to prove otherwise, so the parents dont have a leg to stand on....

please get some further legal advice yourself, as to where you stand on this. He also can't demand £20K within 28 days, that is unreasonable.

I divorced in Nov 2012, it took me until Feb 2013 to remortgage and get him off the deeds, although we did have the consent order signed in Nov to say that he would do this. Your STBX cant just come off the mortgage/deeds just like that...

So is there more than this in "profit" to be had from the sale of the house or is this the 15k plus a bit extra? If its the 15 then you know what we think about that - if it is "profit" then he will need to wait until the house is sold however long that takes

You are not obligated to be amicable or compliant.... and the boat sailed on honourable when he went off with another woman!

Will pm you xx

Thanks for all your support and messages x

The £20k is the total amount of deposit he put in, which includes PIL £15k. So in effect, he wants to wipe out the past few years and get rid of the house and take £20k for a deposit for his new house with OW.

I am really struggling. My head is a mess, I have pains in my chest and I have an awful feeling of dread. It's not just about the money, it's pure disbelief and bringing it all up again. How on earth can someone be so cruel? He is pushing me to the edge. I'm worried.

My DS has been away and I've been staying at a friend's house, I'm going back there tomorrow as I can't have time to think on my own right now.

How has it come to this again? I was doing well, I try everything to make myself better but I just keep getting hit with more, I just need to be given a break. I try to be a good person but I am tired of it all.

Hi lovely xx
Just caught up. God he is an even bigger shit than anyone could dream possible. No wonder you're in such a mess. You're back on the scary part of the roller coaster.
Hang in there. Is there a friend you could see today who could hold you and let you blub and rant?
You are a good person. You've inspired a lot of people. Random strangers who can tell from your words on a screen how bloody marvellous you are. Cry, shout and scream today. Tomorrow will be a new day, xxxx

I really wouldnt worry about the 20k (I know thats easy for me to say) unless he has a signed contract he doesnt have a leg to stand on. Now if you loved his parents and had a great relationship with them then you may have felt you wanted to return it but as they cut you off without a second thought I dont think you really need to do that...now as fwex earns loads he can give it back out of his pocket if he really wants to....bleat bleat he is short of money, he needs it to get his new house (who cares, not your problem....actually id be tempted to say that!!!!!!)

A lot of the time with this kind of think its just about faking confidence - I had a hell of a time with my solicitor when I sold my first home as I was really young and he thought he could get away with being really complacent. Till I sent him a 2 page letter pointing out discrepancies in information he had sent me and telling him I wanted a, b & c by x date You are paying them not the other way round (put them big Alexis shoulder pads on and kick ass)

Be clear to your solicitor you want to see the loan agreement with your signature on dont worry about anything else until you have seen it If he "cant find it" then there is no discussion is there? The only "caution" I would put on this would be if there were more than 40k equity in the house and he would then want 50% of it instead - if the 20k was a good deal then id want ownership of the house signed over before parting with a penny.

You will get there - just take it a step at a time, tick off the problems one at a time and push all other worries out of your mind. Have you seen a financial advisor at all to see what your options are?

Handful - just rememebr that he can demand what he likes, when he likes, but the universe does not revolve around him. He is not the god of all things, least of all you. What's he going to do if you can't/won't/don't deliver? Apart from bluster and moan and lie?

Let him get on with it. he is not the boss of you! Please don't let him rule you like this.

Apologies if I keep saying the same thing...I have so many balls in the air at the moment I dont know my ar*e from my elbow - im only dipping into MN for very short bursts (pretty much "threads im on" and out again)

Thank you mrscraig xx

I did that this morning, my friend just held me as I cried and cried then we got a blanket wrapped round us and did our nails.

I keep trying to put it out of my head until tomorrow but it's all consuming right now.