Whatnext074 is now handfulofcottonbuds - thread continued

[handfulofcottonbuds]

Both my previous threads have reached their maximum postings so I have decided to NC from Whatnext074 to handfulofcottonbuds - thank you to walkacrossthesand for suggesting it as it makes me smile.

My previous thread is here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1902849-Whatnext074-thread-continued still don't know how to convert links

I have had amazing support and advice from MNers since my H left me for OW - over 3 months on and I still can't believe this has happened.

Thank you to all those lurkers and de-lurkers who have contacted me to say that they have found the advice given on my threads really helpful to them too which is mainly why I am continuing my thread.

I have felt so many emotions, been distraught, desperate, strong, indifferent, weak, scared, independent and sad. What has helped is knowing I'm not alone and knowing there is always someone on MN who offers a hand and I will always be grateful for that.

I have a challenging few months ahead, mediation in January and divorce shortly after and moving out of my home. I am scared right now about my future, for 11 years, I knew my future would be with my H and we could handle anything but now I have to find who I am and create my own future.

Thank you for all your support - I cannot tell you how much it helps xxx

Cotton, this is a low blow. I can't understand your solicitor suggesting you accept. On what basis? What are your other options?

I can't believe for a second that he can make these demands on you. There has to be some room for negotiation.

As far as being high earners; sometimes these people are greedy, they live up to their income and beyond... and with your Ex's track record, he is totally self interested. Remember that he had a head start on you and left the relationship some time ago. Asking him to reconsider would be pointless, you need to think this through on a factual basis and go back with your own demands.

I know you may not sleep well, but this needs to be addressed in the morning once you have had some time. Don't let him take you back to the early days. This had to come, but you are in a much stronger place then before.

Not just yourself, but you have your own MN footsoldiers behind you. Have you posted in legal?

I'm sorry just trying to offer some practical suggestions. I have been in some very tight corners myself and once survived for 6 months on basic porridge. Have you spoken to family and asked for their advice?

I am not a legal expert in any way, but I do appreciate that a lot of the posturing is part of the game. You need someone to verify the basis of his latest onslaught and work out is he is playing you or whether he has the law on his side.

What a bastard he is. Don't let his venom touch you.

Excellent post Nevergrowingup. Try to rest tonight cotton. There is nothing you can do until tomorrow but then have a battle plan. You do not have to jump when wankbadger says jump. Get some financial advice and go back to your solicitor for clarification on the basis for accepting the "offer".

Can he sign the house over to you and take himself off the mortgage without your permission or that of the mortgage company if you don't earn enough to cover it?

You may find the mortgage company have an opinion and won't let him off the mortgage so easy.

If he does reduce his payments I know it is easy to say but try not to worry too much. If the mortgage does not get paid it will screw his rating as much as yours which will affect his ability to get another mortgage.

A mortgage holiday/switching to interest only may help as suggested.

If there is no way you can raise/get £20k then you can't get it. It is as simple as that.

No point accepting what you cannot do. Your solicitor seems to be a bit stupid.

nevergrowingup - you talk a lot of sense, thanks. I agree that his emotions are not in the slightest bit involved in this and all he/they see is money and no doubt he has his selfish parents behind him telling him not to walk away from what's 'rightfully his'.

Sadly I don't have confidence in my new solicitor and will try and see one of the other partners.

LBZT - thanks so much. When I left my DS's Dad, I lived on charity so I know what it's like x
My family are supportive as ever but are at a loss too at the moment.

growingold

magoria - If the mortgage does not get paid it will screw his rating as much as yours which will affect his ability to get another mortgage

I thought of this earlier and then forgot about it when I got so upset. I think I will hold onto this as a comfort for the short term.

I'm not seeing too clearly at the moment x

I would point out via solicitor that a) you are unable and unwilling to find 20K at such short notice and b) if you are unable to pay the mortgage due to his shenanigans it will also (as magoria point out) affect his credit rating...so he will basically be shooting himself in the foot.

I would suggest he writes off the £20k or you will go for full disclosure.

It's not really clear but the £20k seems to be from when he signs the house over to me, he wants a bulk payment from that within 28 days!

I suggest you tell him that he can have the £20k either when you have sold the house or when you have remortgaged. At this stage you do not have the 20k to pay him so he can stop demanding it. Don't let him dictate. He will just have to wait. Speak to the mortgage company and ask them for advice. I think an interest only mortgage is your best bet until you can remortgage or sell the house. Again he will have to wait for the £20k. He is with the fairies if he thinks you have £20k just sitting around. Don't panic - he can demand as much as he wants but if you don't have it hex will have to wait. Hugs cotton you are doing so well.

Does the letter specify what the £20k is? Is it his fair share of the remaining equity - have you had the house valued and agreed on a valuation? Or is this a figure he'll 'accept' so that he can sign the house over to you and you can do what you like with it?

What planet is he on? And I seems odd to me that your solicitor is in agreement. You can't just conjure up £20k from thin air.

I agree with the earlier poster about sitting on this and checking with solicitor (a different one if necc). This could just be his starting point and its where the negotiable start from.

Hope you sleep, night x

He says £15k is ring fenced as we were lent money from PIL for a deposit. I don't remember signing forms to that effect but then I don't know as there were so many forms signed.

Had the house valued last November, that's what he's basing it on.

What goes forward from here will be fact-based. Any agreements will need to be verified, or so I understand.

I'm sure that most legal processes involve a degree of 'reasonable' behaviour and there needs to be consideration of people's needs.

However you move forward, please remember that your Ex and his sidekick will have created a new story. Your ex PIL will be only too happy to back him up (I have seen this before, have seen lies and untruths peddled by those keen to reinvent the past). BUT... You do have a say in all of this, its not all about him and what he wants.

He needs to be kept on 'hold' until you have clear advice. Apart from anything else - to make this demand over the Easter period is exceptionally improper. There are a good few working days lost, so his random 14 days is not even that generous.

I hope karma bites him in the bum big time.

nevergrowingup - you make so much sense to me when I'm not seeing clearly. Yes, I do lose 4 days over the Easter period and that's not acceptable.

I do have a say in all this but just feel beaten down at the moment. OW is an accountant and for some reason, he is reluctant to provide her financial information. I think I will press for this as how can I make a proper decision without all the financial facts?

Thank you - I'm not the most organised of people in real life! .

I just feel that you need to press for a response and stress that you have been reasonable and you expect the same back. Rregardless of what the law says (ie no blame) he did leave you and did lie to you. Even on basic moral grounds he is a disgrace.

I can't help have an inkling that the OW is jealous of you. Despite her career, money and expertise, she has had to steal someone else's man. Might make most people slightly insecure? Hmmm... So you could look at all these demands as your ex having to show her that he has 'chosen' her and is kicking you into the dirt. That might be the reality, but laws exist for a reason and whether she is an accountant or an arsehole, the law still applies. You would have hoped that general decency would apply too, but if she is insecure... Perhaps the great love affair has its own stresses. Why else would you shit all over your ex. If love-land is wonderful, you wouldn't give your ex a thought? You wouldn't need to be horrid. Why would your Ex show his awfulness to his new woman. Wouldn't most normal women run a mile from a man who is prepared to shit all over their ex??

I might be off course, but human nature is never straightforward.

There may be an element of truth there.

When I spoke to him on the phone a few months ago, he was so utterly nasty, pure vile. I was calm and asked him why he was speaking to me like that but he carried on. I asked if he was with OW and he denied it (before they moved in together) and when I referred to her as a tramp, I heard a gasp in the background, I know she was there. I told him never to call me again.

5 minutes later, he phoned twice and left 3 texts begging me to speak to him, said we can resolve it, it doesn't have to be like this and he was sorry. I didn't respond.

He text his DB a couple of months ago and said that he has made his bed and now he guesses he has no option but to lie in it. I didn't understand what that meant and didn't press his DB for his view. I didn't care what he meant.

All the grand gestures, 5* hotels, £100s in Harrods etc, £100s on meals out - is that love? Or is that proving something? Maybe that's just the way they want to live but he was adamant when he was with me that he didn't like or need that lifestyle.

The only thing is now, I thought I had time on my hands. Even though I don't want to stay in the house, I said to my DS that we were in no hurry to make decisions while the mortgage was being paid. Now he's cutting everything off from us very soon, I need to think fast.

Can he really forget the 2 babies and the 2 nieces we lost and treat me with such venom? He is utterly vile and I wish him nothing but unhappiness.

nevergrowingup - you have stopped me crying hysterically tonight x

My DS is away for a few days and I was in a terrible state on my own.

Oh Cotton, it's only natural you feel so low. To have someone you trusted, loved and had shared so much with behave in this way must be soul destroying.

My thoughts come with age and experience. No one behaves like your ex without consequences. But those are his problems. As you say, the champagne lifestyle has a limited shelf life. The day comes when you have to go to Tesco/do laundry/Hoover/bleach the loo etc etc... and all the tension and excitement of the affair is a distant memory. This is when those frustrations have to find a target... ?? So it might be your fault they can't walk into the sunset.

He's spent so.much time pleasing her, this is the final hurdle. But... you have rights too. Don't be bullied by them. Sleep on it and remember that you have the better deal here. You are the one decididing how to move on from him, not the other way round. Do try and get some rest. You have a clear conscience. Xx

Hope you're ok this morning. No wise financial advice but the payment break from the mortgage sounds a good idea. My husband wants money from the house but is having to wait till it 's sold. Why can't your husband and are you sure he's really entitled to what he 'a saying. He sounds really mean spirited. The 2 of them sound as if they could afford somewhere without this money. Horrible pair.

Thank you. Yes, they could definitely afford a big house without a care financially but he is saying he only has £1k to his name. I can't afford to go for full disclosure now.

They are full of pure spite.

I have spent 7 months trying to move forward and get better and now I am desperately worried again and in disbelief at how he continues to treat me with such contempt when I have done nothing wrong. I'm back to night sweats and vomiting. I can't go back to where I was.

Cotton I believe he can demand all he likes. He can place whatever timescales on that he likes.

A. He has not got a legal foot to stand on making that demand and b. You don't have £20k to give him so he's wasting his breath

What's he going to do to enforce his demand anyway? Arsehole. I'd have CSA in him by now.

The brass neck of this arsehole to put you under stress like this is breathtaking

It does sound like he is doing this to appease the ow she's probably been nagging him to sort this out so he makes a stupid demand to shut her up thinking not a problem as op can't meet this demand. I think he's just doing it for an easier life and just does not have a clue that he will affect you. This is JMO and I could be way of the mark.

I feel dreadful, horrible thoughts and keep getting thoughts that I'm grateful our babies didn't survive as he is not fit to be a Dad. I feel terrible for even thinking that, maybe I am a bad person. I'm a bit of a mess and need to pick myself up. I need to get rid of this house, it's messing my head up. He knows I hate this house and is playing on that for a quick settlement. How can someone who displayed none of this behaviour now be so utterly cruel?

Morning cotton , hope you managed to sleep and you can get through today at work? When is your DS home? Hope you have a friend in RL to talk to?

Sorry x-post. Look, OW is an accountant. They've been sitting down together over spreadsheets, number crunching. And they want £20k. It's all about them and what's 'rightfully his'. Of course they aren't thinking of your feelings... They never did. If he's hard faced and cruel then steel your self and play him at his own game. Get your dynasty shoulder pads on, and tell him to fuck off with his twatty demands. He'll get it when YOU are good and ready.

I'll go and find my hot pants.

Id say at a guess, she is high maintenance and likes the good things in life - id put money on the fact he is struggling to meet her expectations and this is what he needs to do so.

Dont give them any thought - really they are not worth your time

With regards to the ringfenced money - this will not be discussed until you see a copy of the contract you signed agreeing to it wtf is your new solicitor doing not ensuring that your behalf? I would suggest you get in touch with your solictor and make that really clear (and in fact if you dont like him get one you feel can support you) Personally id be saying "I am sorry I categorically am not repaying the money lent by your parents unless I see a copy of the contract I signed agreeing to that" If (as a matter of pricinple) he feels he needs to repay them but there was no contract then he will need to do that from his funds not yours. Cmon Cotton - kick some ass!!!!

Anyway f*ck them all - with knobs on....dont let them get you down, you will get there