Whatnext074 is now handfulofcottonbuds - thread continued

[handfulofcottonbuds]

Both my previous threads have reached their maximum postings so I have decided to NC from Whatnext074 to handfulofcottonbuds - thank you to walkacrossthesand for suggesting it as it makes me smile.

My previous thread is here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1902849-Whatnext074-thread-continued still don't know how to convert links

I have had amazing support and advice from MNers since my H left me for OW - over 3 months on and I still can't believe this has happened.

Thank you to all those lurkers and de-lurkers who have contacted me to say that they have found the advice given on my threads really helpful to them too which is mainly why I am continuing my thread.

I have felt so many emotions, been distraught, desperate, strong, indifferent, weak, scared, independent and sad. What has helped is knowing I'm not alone and knowing there is always someone on MN who offers a hand and I will always be grateful for that.

I have a challenging few months ahead, mediation in January and divorce shortly after and moving out of my home. I am scared right now about my future, for 11 years, I knew my future would be with my H and we could handle anything but now I have to find who I am and create my own future.

Thank you for all your support - I cannot tell you how much it helps xxx

Its natural to have ups and downs. Long term though any decisions you make will be built on much firmer foundations than this relationship he has rushed into.

Keep reiterating the information he is required to supply and say it loud and clear the house will not be sold and the divorce will not happen until you have it You are not the one with a deadline.

cotton it is normal to have a relapse, I had several :(

even this week, I actually woke up crying because I had some dream about XH. Weird. the previous night I had dreamt about Mr X....

you have done so well from your first posts and you WILL pick yourself up again. Divorce is one of the most stressful things that a person can go through, even more so when it is not what they wanted to happen.

Two years on from the breakup, I am in such a better place than I was and you will get there too, when the time is right.

Just keep on keeping on, allow yourself to accept that there will be low days, but pick yourself up and carry on

You are right bluesky - I will remember that, even though I need to get out of this house. I will wait until I'm happy with a settlement.

I knew this wouldn't be an easy process and perhaps I'm feeling vulnerable now my solicitor has gone on maternity.

It's silly too I know but the new photo of Prince George has set me off. The day he was born, we had arrived for our last holiday where my H told me he wanted a divorce, that was 8 months ago - he spent the whole time contacting OW. Seeing his bank statements, he'd checked out over a month before that even though we were trying for a 3rd time to have a baby.

It probably will last with them, we moved in almost straight away after meeting, we just knew. He wouldn't risk losing everything if he didn't believe it would be long term. Plus, if they are living the life they are then it's 'perfect' isn't it?!

If I was advising someone else on this, I'd be much stronger! I am mad with myself. I need to push those thoughts out of my head again!

It's just brought it all back. I need to get my strength back to progress this.

I occasionally woke up in full, heart pounding, panic for months after I had really stopped giving a damn about it in the cold light of day.

Still taking the ADs? Perhaps you should see the doc again?

Don't know about you cotton but I get really flat and f'ked off with PMT - I take evening primrose oil and try to get past those days. I know it's a dip.

Come on , I can't even begin to imagine how you process those memories but have you thought any more about counselling? I know my employer offered me work funded counselling (I was already deep into my relate sessions by that point- spent £'s but worth it). Is there anything you can access.. You are going through a lot and its essential to have support. I know you have MN but someone in RL with training and experience?

Make it clear you want to move on but need enough to buy a new home - it could all be done and dusted tomorrow but his greed and spite is delaying the process.

bluesky - that is comforting to hear, although not nice for you. The night sweats for me are anxiety, I've been tested for other things just in case. Yes, still on the ADs, they have really helped but I know in December I felt that they had worn off so my dose was increased, I'll see the doctor this week and talk things through. I know what's causing all this but I need to feel more in control again.

R&B - I really don't want to have counselling this far down the line, I'm hoping I will get through this blip very soon. If I have counselling then it's bringing the whole thing up again.

It hurts. I want it to stop. I want to be strong again.

I really am thankful for all your support again xx

Cotton you are doing so well - don't be hard on yourself. As someone else said, PMT, can bring you down.

I've had some odd dreams about my STBXH - sort of in the future as though this has happened. I've also had night sweats, waking up and running to the loo as I dreamt I was on the loo!?! All very odd and never happened before. It is your body's way of dealing with the 10/10 stress you are going through.

You wouldn't want him back now. He isn't the man you knew when you married him. He has seriously let your son down. All his loss. You have a lovely son who clearly loves you. Take that thought to bed with you and try not to worry about knob head.

Small steps but onwards and upwards.

Thank you itwillgetbettersoon - yes, the strange dreams set in the future, it's all very disorientating.

It's definitely not PMT, I'd like to put it down to that. I definitely wouldn't have him back or even as a friend. I just feel back to where I was months ago after seeing his Form E and bank statements. The deceit and continued selfishness has hit me hard.

I will go back to small steps x

Sorry if I'm not being terribly helpful, just hate to hear you sounding so down and churned again. Emotional and financial stress takes its toll, your dreams are an outlet perhaps? Here's a friendly punch on the arm. Now get to bed and rest up. Tomorrow is another crappy day

Cotton you may not feel like it but you have made such progress. It does feel slow sometimes, and the dips are utterly grim, but they become further apart, and when something does upset you the bounceback does get quicker. PMT does make things so much worse.

I will never comprehend the betrayal and hatred that has been directed at me by my ex and his OW - please don't try and tie yourself in knots trying to comprehend the motives of your ex. Just thank your lucky stars that you are not like him and would never behave in the way he is. Just shows how wonderful you are, and how he has the morals and ethics of a slug.

I am 2 years in, and time really does help you gain strength and perspective. Time wounds all heels or sommat.

You've been so amazing. He has clearly lost someone wonderful to enter his mean spirited little world with his other woman who was not special enough to find an unattached man. It's been inspiring following your thread as I'm going through similar journey. Stay strong, you're brilliant x

Thank you so much!

I tried to get a Dr appointment today for my prescription but he's fully booked. He phoned me back 10 minutes later and asked how I was doing. He said that I am one of the most strong people he has met and (you will all like this) said I am like a Phoenix who rises out of the ashes! He said this is external influences causing me to feel sad and he has no doubt that I will pick myself up again soon but to see him whenever I feel I need to.

Do you know, with the replies on here and with what my GP said, I can feel the strength coming back.

I've arranged a trip to London this weekend too for some retail and lunch therapy so I'm not sitting in the house.

I am so grateful to you xx

Delurking to say what a lovely post OP. You have come such a long way in such a short time. His loss without a doubt.

You have done so well, the first night I saw your thread I was really quite worried about you. I have been on other relationship threads where eventually I have had to hide them but despite your FWH being unnecessarily cruel you have moved on in leaps and bounds.

You may not get everything you want financially but I dont have a doubt you will survive and end up being happier than he will (I have everything crossed for you)

Hello cotton! I haven't been around on your thread for a while but just had a quick catch up. Wow! You are an utter marvel. You've come so far and done so well. Don't fret too much over a little setback. It's justa blip and the curve is still upwards

What an utter shit your STBXH is being. An utter utter shit. I despise the little toad and I've ever even met him

I'm tired, I'm lost and I'm so worried.

My stbxh has sent me a solicitor letter saying he will stop payments for the few bills he's paying in 14 days.

He will also start paying only 50% of the mortgage from next month and sign the house totally over to me by the end of that month so I have to pay all the mortgage. He also wants a one off payment from the house within 28 days of £20,000!!!! This is so he can get his own house with OW.

He says he has no money, earns shedloads, got a big bonus last month and still refuses to disclose his OW's finances even though they are living together.

My solicitor is encouraging me to accept. I can't afford anymore outgoings on what I earn.

I'm stuck, truly stuck!! I feel sick.

How is it that I have done nothing wrong yet he gets to walk away from this shitty house full of memories and with £20k to boot?!

I try so hard to move forward, be strong but nothing goes in my favour. I have no answers anymore.

It's making me so sick.

Just holding your hand until the sensible advice arrives. Is it time to sell the house and tell the wankbadger that he can whistle up his kilt for the £20,000 until it is sold?

Hey , here's a hug.

What an utter ridiculous knob he is. He knows your finances yet he's putting undue pressure on you - like you haven't had enough hurt and humiliations as it is. But he NEEDS £20 ASAP . Jesus, what must the OW think of him. She must be so proud. Yeah, lets force Cotton into a corner and behave like shits. Least they are consistent.

Sorry he's putting you thorough this shite. Sorry I'm
Not much help, just wanted to say I'm here.

How many people can raise £20k that fast? Is this his way of pushing you to sell your home?

Grrr, really angry for you.

can you get a lodger to help with the morgage? I think you can earn just over £4k a year on the rent a room scheme before tax implications. This may tide you over.

Thank you x

I want to sell the house but I'm stuck at the moment, even if I sell, can't afford mortgage or rent on what I'll get or what I earn. I'm already stretched and will be stretched even more in 2 weeks time.

LBZT - sadly can't get a lodger. I have a 2 bedroom house with my DS living with me.

I'm so tired of this. I've been going down for a couple of weeks and this has hit me hard.

Ah, yes, your lovely boy that he's never mentioned.

What a prize he is. Didn't be say he would pay rent for you for 2 years?

He said initially that he would make sure I had enough towards my rent for a while.

They both earn so much. Why is he doing this? I've had enough, really, really had enough.

ok another idea just for the short term can you take a payment break on the morgage for 3 or 6 months or can you revert to an interest only morgage which could lower the cost or can you extend the morgage term which could also lower the monthly cost. Are you on the best morage deal I just saved £60 per month going to a fixed rate.

Thank you LBZT, I really appreciate it. If I pay the mortgage, any part of it, it takes me over my income with my other outgoings. My DS works part time so he can't even make up some of the money.