Whatnext074 is now handfulofcottonbuds - thread continued

[handfulofcottonbuds]

Both my previous threads have reached their maximum postings so I have decided to NC from Whatnext074 to handfulofcottonbuds - thank you to walkacrossthesand for suggesting it as it makes me smile.

My previous thread is here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1902849-Whatnext074-thread-continued still don't know how to convert links

I have had amazing support and advice from MNers since my H left me for OW - over 3 months on and I still can't believe this has happened.

Thank you to all those lurkers and de-lurkers who have contacted me to say that they have found the advice given on my threads really helpful to them too which is mainly why I am continuing my thread.

I have felt so many emotions, been distraught, desperate, strong, indifferent, weak, scared, independent and sad. What has helped is knowing I'm not alone and knowing there is always someone on MN who offers a hand and I will always be grateful for that.

I have a challenging few months ahead, mediation in January and divorce shortly after and moving out of my home. I am scared right now about my future, for 11 years, I knew my future would be with my H and we could handle anything but now I have to find who I am and create my own future.

Thank you for all your support - I cannot tell you how much it helps xxx

He wants to buy a property with OW. I believe they started renting for 6 months last month which would mean they would intend to by a house before or by then. I've been too accommodating, I will do what me and my DS need.

At the moment, he probably thinks he's going to be divorced within 4 months. Once I have my Decree Nisi, I guess I can wait. Not to annoy them but to give me time to get what I need.

Did I mention that his OW is an accountant? Knows how to hide money!

Do you know what, I think I will get my strength back soon and if I'm not happy with the tone of the letter that my solicitor writes to him then I will get another solicitor that I 'click' with.

Thanks all xx

(a.hole)

You don't need a solicitor who hands it out bluntly. He may be right but you need a bit of tlc - he could have delivered exactly what he did but with some kindness. It's what you need right now, not just blunt facts. (he's probably being blokey about it, re blokes need/want facts not softness?). It makes me mad that vulnerable people going through the worst time of their lives are exposed to the legal process with little care to protect their sanity.

Whether she's an accountant or not, the law is the law. It is, indeed, blunt and no-one can escape it. That said, my ex vanished a lot of money and essentially there was nothing anyone could do about that, unfortunately. But he came to a sticky end tbf. I didn't used to believe in 'you reap what you sow' but I do now. The bottom line is that you will get more than he thinks, despite his (and her) ducking and diving. They are both high earners and that will be firmly taken into account for the future - if anything, their taking the piss will put the favour firmly on your side. Judges don't like people who take the piss and think they are above the law.

Sorry to barge in. I was on your other threads.

Just caught up.

I may be wrong on this, but I have read quite a lot on here about how any spending they do is taken into account when they decide the settlement?

Precisely for the reason your solicitor says- to stop people just frittering it away, so they don't have to pay.

I would be posting in legal about it, if i was you, and I would definitely be finding another sol. He sounds devoid of human.

Good luck. x

I appreciate your solicitor has been a bit blunt and thoughtless about them wanting to get married but I think he also handed you the weapon you have - which is "hold off from getting my decree absolute to make them sweat"

Cant you imagine how a nonchalant "ohhh whats the rush" from you will go down like a lead balloon with them (personally id get a sneaky thrill out of that)

If FWOW is a member of the ACCA she will need to tread carefully as, from what I understand, they have quite a rigid code of ethics regarding their members behaviour.

I'm sure you would now like this over but you are so much stronger than you were at first

I would send a formal request for a copy of the legal agreement signed by you regarding the "loan" - I appreciate he is being truculent about supplying you with information but again for you it takes as long as it takes. You have a roof and no 6 month deadline, if he wants to rush the process along then he starts supplying you with the information required to get it moving 1. loan agreement, 2 OW income details. Until they are forthcoming let him fcuk right off.

bluesky - that's very interesting! I am guessing he admitted to adultery as that is the lesser evil as if I had gone down the unreasonable behaviour route then his reputation would be ruined. He's probably really glad that I didn't name the FWOW in the petition too.

When he was working from home for 2 years in the same industry he's in now, he did his work but he also spent a lot of time using porn sites. I don't have a problem with porn but he hid it from me in a seedy way all the way through our relationship. To do it while he was meant to be working as well.......

Also, the violence, the deceit, the affair with a colleague, they certainly wouldn't have wanted that brought up. This is the easy way for them.

His DB now wants nothing to do with him, he has nobody but FWOW and his toxic parents. Was she worth it? I'll never know.

Been a struggle this week but only because I cannot believe once again the level of deceit, I'm left wondering if he's done it before, I'm left wondering how long he's hidden money for, I feel like a fool.

The feeling of 'hate' is overwhelming and I never wanted to feel anything for him now as any emotion means he is winning in some way.

Just popping in to give you these

So sorry that your ex Mr Stinky Breath is being an utter knob, but then you already knew that. He's just being the same old lying, sneaky, slimy man.

Hopefully your solicitor can sort out the shit for you and it can be over soon , the drama can lessen and you can flourish... And you will. Now go get a

hmm I think the ACCAs code is with regard to personal finance rather than morals, I suspect otherwise they would be thin on the ground for members

Even without his complete lack of compassion for you - bad breathed, flat bottomed, money squandering porn lover its sounding more and more like FWOW doesnt have unicorns and rainbows in her future!!

Dont let him press your buttons, keep channelling that inner Alexis Carrington (like your brother and I advised) and kick his financial ass.

Thanks R&B x

I see bluesky - well, I will have to wait on her financial information. My solicitor has requested it. They both think it's none of my business even though they are living together. If she lies, I will take it further.

I can bide my time once I have my decree nisi. I'd love it to be over but I need to get control back and do what's best long term for me and my DS. You give great advice x

bad breathed, flat bottomed, money squandering porn lover its sounding more and more like FWOW doesnt have unicorns and rainbows in her future!!

But hate is an essential part of healing, isn't it? You have to pass through the hate. iiwy I'd milk it while it's around - indifference will be close on its heels, not to worry.

As always, you are marvellous

I agree the hate is a far easier emotion to work on through than the hurt because that is just so all consuming. Im sure handful gets that heart pounding "how could you?" kind of anger when he does this stuff though

Like you say eventually, in time, the indifference comes and you can be scathingly humorous about them on the rare occasion they cross your mind.

I read through all your threads this morning because I have gone through something on similar lines and came to MN looking for people in my position. I am so sorry this happened to you.

springy and bluesky - I've had the indifference for months, even when I filed for divorce, I felt nothing, it all felt like an inconvenience. Now - I have the hate but the sadness is also rearing it's head and I haven't felt like that for so long.

My night sweats are back, that in itself is scary waking up on my own, freezing and it makes me cry sometimes. I have random dreams that he asks for forgiveness, I hate myself for it. I think it's looking at all his bank statements that has brought it all up again.

I know this is all probably normal but my head is all over the place again and I feel I need to take time out to really think about where my life is going. I am stuck in limbo, surrounded by memories, wondering if he ever feels sorry for what he's done. I need to get out of this house but I know I need to bide my time.

I was doing so well but now I'm not.

andreaapples - I'm sorry you are going through something similar, I feel for any woman who experiences this

cotton buds yours was one of the first threads I read when I started lurking on MN. I remember that dark, dark place you were in those few months ago and I was so worried for you. But lady, you have gonads the size of France. I admire your strength so much. You will have set backs, you will have wobbles but you are NOT the woman you were back then. You are far too good for stinky breath. You wouldn't want that back again in a million years.

for you.

Thank you so much for your post. I need people to remind me how I was and I am far from that person now but I am surprised at my feelings now when I felt so strong and actually happy.

You're right, I wouldn't want him back and would never consider taking him back but I hate myself for the dreams and the way my body is reacting again.

I need people to talk sense into me x

Cotton, my goodness, you would not be human if you did not have periods of sadness and anger. The good thing is that they will be shorter and not as strong as they used to be. We have just had Mother's day which, despite it having nothing to do with your Ex, is a time of reflection and its supposed to be about being happy.

Combined with the legalities and the utterly shocking way he has treated you, its natural to have a gut reaction at this stage of the process. Remember that he is the loser; no-one deals out that kind of behaviour and comes out of it smelling of roses. His is a shallow, selfish existence. He is surrounded by deceit and ugliness. He's welcome to that. Just stay on the path you are on. You know that it is taking you to a better place. Small steps for now.

This is where things are today - if its a plateau day, that's OK. You are moving forward and you are slowly peeling off the role he has cast you in. Emerge at your own pace and soon you will increasingly find this new place is 100% better.

I am not very good at explaining the psychological stuff but there is a theory about how we all learn and move forward rather than make the same mistakes over and over again (Kolb's experiential learning cycle). According to this theory we need to push ourselves through 4 steps - in very simple terms : have an experience, reflect on that experience, draw conclusions from that reflection and then plan to do things differently.

Often it is hard to push round the whole cycle and we can get stuck. So someone can have an experience, it goes wrong and then they plan to have another experience but, without the reflection and conclusion stages, they just have the same experience again and again. For example, an acquaintance of mine is on his 4th "internet bride" - he meets them, marries them , it goes wrong so he goes on line again. No thinking about why it went wrong or planning about what to do differently next time.

You may feel that you are going backwards or treading water but, from reading your threads, you are pushing yourself through the cycle. It is an uncomfortable process and it is much "easier" to slip into familiar thinking.

You know that set backs are to be expected but you recognise that so the battle is won .

Sorry to ramble but I hope this helps you a little bit even if it's only to give you a different perspective on why you may be feeling how you are feeling.

It's a terrible wound and it's not surprising that if the wound is worried in any way, let alone stamped on, some of the old pain and horror will fleetingly come back.

You are truly marvellous, cotton. I hope you get that. I'm often suspect of people's apparent ability to bounce back quickly, I wonder how that's going to go in the long run... but in your case I completely am not suspect in any way, I do see that you are solid. You have shown tremendous strength of character in the face of the awful shock and betrayal this measly little man has dealt out to you.

Keep going - there are bound to be a few dips in the road now and again.
Don't take this dip too seriously , it's not what it appears and it really will pass. You have laid down some solid foundational groundwork when you crawled out of the worst crater imagineable - I'm sure I'm not the only one who has every faith you'll come through this.

I dream that my ugly sisters say they're sorry. I wake up and think 'wouldn't that be marvellous' but it very probably will never happen. It hurts to dream those dreams but I don't beat myself up for deep down craving JUSTICE and the balm and love and respect of a heartfelt apology. imo these people damaged us, our psyche is processing it all; let it do its job and try not to take it personally. It is no reflection on you. We know we are good people who didn't deserve what was meted out to us, we were and are innocent.

Thank you all so much!

I like to think that nobody can dish out that much pain and be happy with themselves but as we're NC and haven't seen each other since January, he never has to face it. We don't know mutual people and he's not surrounded by memories so he is so far removed from it all in his now 'perfect' life with FWOW. He has no idea that I'm doing great without him or that I have down days - he's well out of it.

I need to contact him over a few things that are wrong in the house but I've put it off for weeks, I think I'll put it off for a few more weeks until I'm over this blip.

I totally get that 4 step process in taking time out to understand things and move forward!

You are wonderful as always in helping me xx

Hey cotton, here's a hug.

Your exh wankbadger (love that name) hasn't 'removed'himself though has he... He's run away with his fingers in his ears... Saying la la la...

Perfect life? Nope, more likely the only option he has other than his 'bedsit' . You're learning and reflecting and fixing yourself. He's stumbling along with a woman he barely knows , without his familiar possessions, he must feel like a fish out of water. Laugh and laugh again.

You are mending the gigantic wound. It'll take time but you'll be stronger and wiser and an independent feisty lady.

Feel like I'm going backwards

Hey, stop that young lady. Ok, you feel shite , tell yourself you're just pausing, standing still .. You can't forge forward all the time. You stop, take stock, reflect and eventually you will crank into motion. All normal and natural and essential to get through.

Thanks R&B. I can't help it though, all feels so out of my control now. I've already spent about £2k on legal fees and feel like I've got nowhere further on, I even have to put the decree absolute on hold. I'm the one who has started feeling like rubbish again. I didn't care how he felt for so long but now I want him to feel pain.

I'm so sad. I just want the best for me and my son.

Hey you, you can't start going backwards as I for one get so much strength from your posts as its so much like the crap I am going through, I am not saying you have to constantly be strong as you have a rocky road to travel but you give me hope and I think "if she can do it then so can I" your posts are helping more people than you could imagine

That is so sweet to read walking. I can't help it, I am so utterly sad and worried for my future.

I can't go back to where I was. What's wrong with me??