Whatnext074 is now handfulofcottonbuds - thread continued

[handfulofcottonbuds]

Both my previous threads have reached their maximum postings so I have decided to NC from Whatnext074 to handfulofcottonbuds - thank you to walkacrossthesand for suggesting it as it makes me smile.

My previous thread is here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1902849-Whatnext074-thread-continued still don't know how to convert links

I have had amazing support and advice from MNers since my H left me for OW - over 3 months on and I still can't believe this has happened.

Thank you to all those lurkers and de-lurkers who have contacted me to say that they have found the advice given on my threads really helpful to them too which is mainly why I am continuing my thread.

I have felt so many emotions, been distraught, desperate, strong, indifferent, weak, scared, independent and sad. What has helped is knowing I'm not alone and knowing there is always someone on MN who offers a hand and I will always be grateful for that.

I have a challenging few months ahead, mediation in January and divorce shortly after and moving out of my home. I am scared right now about my future, for 11 years, I knew my future would be with my H and we could handle anything but now I have to find who I am and create my own future.

Thank you for all your support - I cannot tell you how much it helps xxx

For months, I truly didn't care whether he was happy or sad, whether they stayed together or not - it would take up too much of my energy but now, I actually do wish him loneliness and sadness.

How dare he keep treating us like this. I hate him.

Thanks mamma xx

That's totally natural. I also wish it on your behalf. Voodoo doll anyone??!

On a more positive note though, you're doing so well and managing to 'live well' which they say is the best revenge. This fancy living he's doing wont last- youll be getting a good old share of it soon and that'll hurt him.

Xxxx keep your chin up, he's not worth your energy. The anger is good in a way I guess- will keep you focused on fighting for what's you're owed.

You are doing well and the anger is better than sadness. My DM said the same about XH, that he really has no idea how much he hurt me. When they can't face up to what they have done, they of course will never see the pain they cause.

Stand firm. If there is nothing in writing about the deposit then his parents don't have a leg to stand on. I had £10k from my parents from a policy maturity and we used it to convert the garage. I paid a third of house outright, XH paid nothing. It increased the value of the house. Solicitor said it was all irrelevant where the money came from when house owned 50/50.

Keep that anger and channel it into getting what you deserve.

Thank you skye - I can't see anywhere it's written in the paperwork that it was ring-fenced but that's not to say it wasn't and I just don't have the right paperwork as he took some with him.

My DB said "let him have Harrods and all the other materialistic things, you have us". Not sure if that meant I could move in with him though

Im pretty sure that unless they had it in writing that it was a loan they don't have a legal leg to stand on. If someone gave you a toaster as a wedding gift you wouldn't be expected to saw it in half if you split up. Dig your heels in on this.

If he had managed to get a home with her already then the cash for that needed to come from somewhere didn't it?

He's renting for 6 months with her and has stated that he wants enough for a deposit to buy a house with her. At Mediation he was adamant that he would never get a mortgage with someone else and they would just rent. Then again, he changes his mind quickly, one day loving me and the next loving someone else.

This will be a long process, seems the 3 people he has in his life are as nasty and selfish as he is!

oh it's so horrible when this stuff comes out in the paperwork. I do feel for you cotton, it's nasty to face (how I wish we didn't have to).

So his dragging himself around like macbeth was all an act then. What a measly little man.

You are living well, the best revenge. The betrayal that was going on a long time, that's a tough one, lovely - I'm so sorry you have to factor yet more vileness into the equation ((hug)). I hope all this horribleness washes out before too long.

BUT you have attacked your recovery with impressive determination (I wish I was as determined about life tbh, you inspire me). Don't let him drag you down at the last hurdle. He is a turd and that's that - step away from him, you don't want it all on your fab boots xxx

Springy ...your post was inspired! Sheer brilliance. Remember, you can't polish a turd either!
Cotton, she's absolutely right, the dirty laundry tumbling out will help you get over him once and for all. You are such an inspiration to lots of posters and lurkers, keep going, the light is in sight x

Oh my goodness!!!! I can't believe those last 2 posts, how utterly lovely!!

So his dragging himself around like macbeth was all an act then

Springy, you have an amazing way with words and I shall remember that

mrscraig, thank you so much x

I've had a bad few days, haven't had those for some time now but your posts have truly lifted me

I'm seeing my (new) solicitor tomorrow. A friend of mine said that I pay them to sort it out so not to worry. Hard I know but they are certainly getting plenty of money from me.

I knew it would be hard to see all the statements but I think I over estimated my strength. I will get it back though.

Finding out the betrayal went on for longer too when we were sitting together looking at houses and planning our holiday makes me sick and shows how awful he truly is.

He was my FWH now he's a FWSTBXH!!

"What a measly little man"

This ^^^.

They should put that on his tombstone when the time comes.

at mamma

Or as springy puts it simply:

he is a turd

Even better to quote springys full sentence:

he is a turd and that's that

You are welcome.
Your genuine loveliness and strength just shines through.
I think when you are a good person, it makes it even more difficult to comprehend why/how shitty things like this can happen. The sense of injustice and disbelief about how things can so rapidly deteriorate leaves you in a state of shock. You are going from strength to strength and should feel so proud of his you have handled a horrid horrid situation.
Your husband is a fake measley turd- let's combine those two brilliant analogies x

Hope your new solicitor kicks ass.

I would ask to see proof that the money from his parents was a loan, if he cannot supply it then YOU have no obligation to pay them - let him do it from his proceeds of the sale.

I hope things go well with the solicitor tomorrow. I have been following this thread since my own DDay. I am in a very similar situation to you cotton. DH has brought my DS into this now. Telling him all sorts of lies which I can prove as such. It is an awful situation. I am absolutely NC with him and if I confront him with the lies he has told my DS I will be betraying DS. It is a gross situation. Totally gross. I don't know what to do.

Measly turd. Fucking brilliant.

Hope you're ok handful

Xx

Good morning hope yesterday went ok and today is even better. Sunny here. Mama you are correct when you say that if you are a decent person it makes it harder to understand how someone who is meant to be your rock can become a turd.

I didn't get any good news yesterday. It seems that even though my stbxh is spending every last penny he earns on a lavish lifestyle for both of them and has been doing for months, there is nothing I can do. It's immoral but it's not wrong apparently. My solicitor said he should be reducing his spending but it seems he is spending it all in order to reduce any settlement.

I was so upset. I usually come out of my appointments feeling empowered but this new solicitor was probably only telling it like it is but I felt just awful.

I am not money grabbing, never have been, but I think the whole thing is just so unfair. Together, they earn an incredible amount of money, they will be okay financially. I just need enough to get a property but he's being an a.hole! As if it's not enough with what he's done, it's all continuing and I can't see a way out at the moment.

I don't care that they are living together but I do care about him spending all his money on OW and a luxurious lifestyle.

He is beyond contempt - no morals, no remorse - I hate him! I'll never understand how someone can be so selfish and cruel.

I'm so sorry cotton (((hug)))

it is, as you say, unbelievably selfish and therefore cruel. Such a shock that someone you have loved for many years could be capable of behaviour like this. these adulterers eh, they go over to the dark side, a complete personality transplant. What a fool.

Did the solicitor commiserate? You need someone who is gentle and gives you hope. Perhaps post on the legal board? If your case goes to court, a judge will notice the sudden profligacy and will have something with power to say about it.

Keep going, lovely. I have no doubt whatsoever that you will recover from even this. Do you have anything planned, something to look forward to? xxx

So sorry handful. Bastard.

Keep going- you're doing do well, don't let this knock you back. It seems do unfair, so unjust. I wish I could change it all for you :(

Hugs and for you my friend x

But what does she really have - she has a man who is capable of walking out on a woman when she has been through one of the worst experiences she can go through. A man who will start a relationship behind that womans back and will spend every last penny he has to spitefully ensure the woman he once loved cannot continue her life in a comfortable manner. How sad that she values herself so little that she does not realise there is better out there, how sad that he thinks splurging money in tacky tourist department stores makes his life better (he just sounds showy, tacky and crass to me)

You need to do the best you can with the cards you are given - what did the solicitor say about the money his parents gave you? Surely if there is no supporting documentation then repayment of that will not be your responsibility legally - personally I wouldnt even be considering repayment of that, let STBXFWH repay that if he feels it morally necessary

Can he force you out of your home? Can you drag your heels on a sale and make his life difficult as he is being deliberately spiteful himself?

Anyway he could deck himself out in Harrods stuff head to toe and it would just be like guilding a turd....still just stinky poo underneath!

springy - no, the solicitor was very matter of fact and even said to me that my H probably wants to marry her. I resented that as he doesn't know that and I just want him to deal with the facts. He said I should hold off from getting my decree absolute to make them sweat in case they want to get married. I will only hold off from my absolute until I'm happy with a settlement.

mamma

bluesky - you are so right! The solicitor said that as we've been living together for over a decade then that money goes into the pot along with everything else unless I've signed something to say otherwise which I don't remember doing.

I could drag my heels on the sale, even though I'm desperate to get out of the house but for now, I have somewhere I guess as long as he's paying the mortgage. He can force a sale but it would be very expensive for him. If he defaults on the mortgage, we're both liable. Then again, if I default on the Council Tax, we could both end up in prison so there it is if he wants to get nasty.

He is nasty.......and his breath smells!

handfulofcottonbuds I want to just you are doing fabulously! Your Whatnext074 was one of the first threads I ever read on here and you have come so far. Your husband is a utter Cunt. I never use that word as it is not very becoming of a lady however this situation warrants it.

I have no experience of divorce however I asked my barrister friend and she said you should hold off on the decree absolute until you are 100% satisfied with your agreed settlement.

I hope you are asking for more than your fair share from him. I know it's not all about money but you really need to take him to the cleaners so to speak it sounds as if this man and his ow are living the high life.

Handfuls- I reckon you should stay put as long as you can. Let him keep paying. Get nasty. Why should the fucker have it all his own way?!

The solicitor was wrong to guess that he prob wants to marry her. How would he know?? You don't need to hear that shit.

Lots of love. Stay strong!