Whatnext074 is now handfulofcottonbuds - thread continued

[handfulofcottonbuds]

Both my previous threads have reached their maximum postings so I have decided to NC from Whatnext074 to handfulofcottonbuds - thank you to walkacrossthesand for suggesting it as it makes me smile.

My previous thread is here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1902849-Whatnext074-thread-continued still don't know how to convert links

I have had amazing support and advice from MNers since my H left me for OW - over 3 months on and I still can't believe this has happened.

Thank you to all those lurkers and de-lurkers who have contacted me to say that they have found the advice given on my threads really helpful to them too which is mainly why I am continuing my thread.

I have felt so many emotions, been distraught, desperate, strong, indifferent, weak, scared, independent and sad. What has helped is knowing I'm not alone and knowing there is always someone on MN who offers a hand and I will always be grateful for that.

I have a challenging few months ahead, mediation in January and divorce shortly after and moving out of my home. I am scared right now about my future, for 11 years, I knew my future would be with my H and we could handle anything but now I have to find who I am and create my own future.

Thank you for all your support - I cannot tell you how much it helps xxx

I was in the extremely 'fortunate' position of actually catching the look of pleasure on stbxh's face, in an unguarded moment, when he was up to his neck in a particular script. It was pure chance that I doubled back and caught that look. although fleeting and not pronounced, I SAW IT and it was umistakeable. From that moment on I knew what he was up to - to quote Charles Wesley: 'my chains fell off, my heart was free'.

What he is doing is all a script, all an act. He's keeping it up 24/7 so everyone feels sorry for him (including himself). I don't think these things are necessarily conscious - all the more deadly for being sub/unconscious - but you can bet your bottom dollar he is inwardly smiling at how well he's doing with the script, how well he's pulling it off.

Think for a minute: you (appropriately) were the one who felt (and probably looked) the way he is looking now. He was slick and strong while you grappled to hold your heart together. Now it's all flipped: you're looking the biz, he's looking like a tramp.

something fishy going on here...

Handful - there are other threads on here where women are at the stage you were a few weeks ago, it underlines how far you have come in just a few weeks. The fact that I have seen you on at least one helping proves how much stronger you are.

I keep telling people the anger is a positive thing - its something you can control rather than being overwhelmed by the hurt.

I think at the point where you think "I dont deserve this" rather "why is he treating me like this" is the point at which you are on the mend

LOL at you "going after his balls" you are in full warrior mode now!!

"Going after his balls"...

That's made my day.

Correction: that's made my fucking day :)

Go on the cottons!!!! We're right behind you! He doesn't know who he's messing with!

X

He's messing with you but he can't see all of us standing behind and beside you shaking our Pom Poms and wearing our hot pants probably best he can't see!

The 'poor dishevelled me' act is so common. In fact my darling EXP is doing it now. But because I have been NC for 4 months I am not able to see the pathetic-ness. So, get this, he's putting on the performance for his EXW and I think she may actually believe it. She emailed me (who she hates) to tell me 'he seems a broken man'. You think
She'd know by now.

My reply was 'he's not broken, he's tired from shagging new girlfriend'

I just can't believe she's entertaining his drama.

I tell you COTTON they are a breed of their own. When your EXH and OW move in together it will get very interesting. Luckily you will be far far away, mentally and emotionally. I wish good things for you.

mamma - I thought you'd like that

joy5 - that must have been an anxious time for you seeing him after all that time, I found 3 months hard. Why do they look a mess though? I don't understand. If I was in a 'new relationship' then I'd look my best, I just don't get it.

springy - you have said it how it is, it's crazy. Surely I should be the one acting how he is?! What do you think is fishy though?

bluesky - I know I have come a long way and hope I don't go back to square one like I did at C/mas, I was really worried. I really feel for other MNers who are going through the pain of this and are where I was, every day it seems someone else has been hurt.

Thank you R&B - I have struggled a bit today as it hurts to know he is going to be living with another woman. It's so sad.

You are bound to dip, especially as its been building up to mediation for a while. It's understandable.

Don't torture yourself with thoughts of them living together.

Make two lists and keep them handy (on your phone?)

1. all the good stuff you have planned/would like to buy/do , places to go

2. all the stuff that f'ed you off about EXH. Starting with furry tongue and keep adding to it.

Then, in moments of feeling down about your sudden change of life direction , you just re-read the lists . Let him go and make whatever he wants with his life.

Did he mention your DS btw? How is he holding up?

Hello All, I lost you for a while there!! How is everyone?

He hasn't asked about my DS once. 11 years bringing him up with me and he doesn't care at all - that's a good enough reason actually for me to get angry again! Thanks R&B

cjel - how are you?

Don't know whats going on as I haven't had chance to catch up, but it is a long haul isn't it.
I am not too bad I've been up and down since all my virus before christmas and am going to have a bit more counselling, I am happy but feel a bit in a rut so going to get her to give me a kick up the backside to move again
Will read all the latest tomorrow and look forward to catching up with youxx

That virus took a lot out of you didn't it?! Okay lovely, take care and catch up soon xx

Hey cjel...hope all ok with you. Think it's called the 'January rut'...it would appear I'm in it too.

Cotton- it must be sad to think about him living with her. However, as r and b suggested, make a list about all the non glamourous things about living with him. Pants on floor? Hog the remote? Etc etc. good luck to her- she really, really is having your sloppy seconds.

Very, very sad about him not mentioning your ds. That there is a cold, selfish man. Unless he's so upset he can't bear to mention him- perhaps he feels guilty. But then that brings us around to the eternal question "why cheat in the first place?". No getting away from it, when these cheaters lie and betray they really do show their hearts true colours. Fuckers.

Xx

Hi cjel - sorry you've been I'll so long. Missed you. January is nearly over x

cotton not mentioning your son is unforgivable.

Fuckers

It is guilt. When I said 3 months ago that he hasn't asked how my DS was he said he didn't feel he had the right to ask. He also hasn't asked how our new nephew is after his DSis passing away.

Come to think of it, in all this time he hasn't asked me once how I am and 'scoffed' when the mediator said I've been diagnosed with depression and am on a variety of medication.

He even said he left in July - erm, we went on holiday together in July and August! When I pointed this out he just said, "whatever". There's re-writing history and there's totally lying!

It's fishy because not only has he taken your marriage, family, future life, trust, sanity (potentially) but he's taking YOUR ROLE.

You are the one who has been beaten up - but for all the world he is acting like he's the one who has been beaten up. He's hamming it right up that he's the poor lamb who has had this terrible thing happen to him.

He's the fucking author of it yet he's acting like it was done to him. What a headfuck!

I see now springy and you're right. I have thought many times, I should be the one who is crying, being rude, not engaging and looking a flipping state - surely??

If he wants pity let his 'D'M give it to him, as she is in bucket loads because she has a strange 'close' relationship with her blue eyed boy!

He/they (cheating Hs) are so vile to you because they resent you making them feel bad. However much they brush things aside, rewrite history, the one person who knows the truth about them and their actions - is YOU! Therefore, he can't whitewash it all to make himself look/feel good.

They hate it.
Therefore You are the enemy.

captain - yes, he has spun his lies to anyone he knows saying we weren't right for 3 years! We were trying for a baby, lost 2 and were still there for each other, going on holiday, having our normal closeness together but grieving for the babies we lost and our nieces who passed away. He cannot spin those lies to me though as I know just like you say.

I don't understand why he doesn't want a divorce and says he doesn't want me out of his life though even though we'll never ever be friends again and he's admitted that but then again it's probably a money thing. However, if he has no money like he says, what's he got to be worried about??

It's done.

His solicitor will get the divorce papers tomorrow.

He's not expecting it.

Well....

How do you feel???

...

And can we have a ???

Hugs xxxxxxxxx

I don't feel happy, I don't feel sad. I'm not even sure I feel numb. This limbo wasn't doing me any good.

The only time it hit me a bit was when I handed all my paperwork over to my solicitor and she said she needed my marriage certificate. I showed her the original and said I had made a copy for her. She said she needed the original and couldn't give it back to me. She kindly said that I no longer need it.

Then I turned my Ipod up loud when I was walking home and walked very tall for a short person

Yes mamma - LOTS of have a glass on me xxxx

Oh sweetheart. You have been brilliant. Think back to 'what next' on that dark, dark Saturday. Who would have known that you would have been able to find the strength to not just sort yourself out but actually grab this situation by the short and curlys and TAKE CONTROL. You are brilliant.

It's the end of a chapter. Life has dealt you a shitty little blow but you haven't let it beat you- you've not gone under.

I'm going to open a when the kids are in bed and raise a glass to you my friend xxx

Ps- am I allowed to say that the bitchy side to me likes the fact he's not expecting it. Wallop. Have some of that.

Well done! You've done so well, and hes not expecting it makes it even better.

Hope now, you can start to get on with your life, and have some peace.

It is the end of a chapter, almost a year on from getting my decree nisi, i'm doing all sorts of new things, even becoming a student again, and doing voluntary work.

We might not have chosen whats happened, but as long as we make the best of what happens afterwards and make the most of life, we'll be ok.

Well done again x :)

You all got me through that night and I shudder when I think how much I would have missed out on. It was selfish of me but seems like it was a different person now.

Wallop. Have some of that you make me laugh!!

I don't even care that he's not expecting it, I'm not angry, don't think I ever got to that stage. I just want to be out of this limbo and be me - totally!

I have lived by the thought of maintaining my dignity.

I will be having a glass too mamma, you're just great xxx

My DS has just had a long chat with me and said he is so proud of me and he can't believe it's the same Mum he saw crumbling. He said people have been there for me but it's me who has pulled myself out of it and he has seen the transformation.

He said he will never break my heart. Love him.