Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Whatnext074 is now handfulofcottonbuds - thread continued

999 replies

handfulofcottonbuds · 27/12/2013 14:33

Both my previous threads have reached their maximum postings so I have decided to NC from Whatnext074 to handfulofcottonbuds - thank you to walkacrossthesand for suggesting it as it makes me smile.

My previous thread is here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1902849-Whatnext074-thread-continued still don't know how to convert links

I have had amazing support and advice from MNers since my H left me for OW - over 3 months on and I still can't believe this has happened.

Thank you to all those lurkers and de-lurkers who have contacted me to say that they have found the advice given on my threads really helpful to them too which is mainly why I am continuing my thread.

I have felt so many emotions, been distraught, desperate, strong, indifferent, weak, scared, independent and sad. What has helped is knowing I'm not alone and knowing there is always someone on MN who offers a hand and I will always be grateful for that.

I have a challenging few months ahead, mediation in January and divorce shortly after and moving out of my home. I am scared right now about my future, for 11 years, I knew my future would be with my H and we could handle anything but now I have to find who I am and create my own future.

Thank you for all your support - I cannot tell you how much it helps xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
handfulofcottonbuds · 27/01/2014 19:51

bluesky - my DB text me just before reminding me to think of Joan Collins, made me Smile

OP posts:
BlueSkySunnyDay · 27/01/2014 20:05

It would appear to have worked!

I doubt the meditator was fooled by his demeanor they must have seen it all before a dozen times

myroomisatip · 27/01/2014 20:08

Just delurking to say well done :) Another step over with!

My solicitor was really great for me, for months... until she actually met my Ex!

He sat there in her office, trembling, unkempt, sad, 'prepared to go along with the divorce on my grounds'.... he almost convinced me!!!! My relationship with my solicitor was never quite the same afterwards. I was disheartened that she was so taken in by him. So I wonder if your STBEX is also a master manipulator? hhhmmmmm?

Believe me, my ex could sell ice to the eskimos and coal to Newcastle, but he was never blatant about it.

And as it turned out, going along with the divorce has been in his favour, something that did not occur to me nor to my solicitor, but has been left on my doorstep because I am a good person! I dont even believe that karma has the guts to bite him on his bloody bum!

Original poster
handfulofcottonbuds · 27/01/2014 20:18

He is a master manipulator but I told the mediator that beforehand, I'm sure with 30 years experience they can sniff that out.

myroom - I'm sorry it didn't work out for you, I don't know if it will for me but I will try to force my own karma. Stupid man!

OP posts:
myroomisatip · 27/01/2014 20:23

Ah things are not so bad :)

In fact they are much better. I got rid of my Ex and got two cats lol...

He was always one step ahead of me... life to him was a game of chess. I could never be that calculating and I would not want to be :)

I have a clear conscience and I know he treated me badly. I didnt deserve that and I gave so much for too long.

I think you have been amazing and come through a baptism of fire. You are out of that now, the phoenix rising from the ashes :) Just hold on to what you believe in.

50shadesofknackered · 27/01/2014 20:27

Well done, God you must feel amazing after seeing him like that when you are looking wonderful and so obviously moving on. Good for you! How lucky the ow is, what a catch she has Hmm if all today has done is allow you to prove to yourself that you are strong and able to cope with anything he dishes out, then it's been a success. Grin

BlueSkySunnyDay · 27/01/2014 20:34

I am amazed myroom that your solicitor did not see through that surely many manipulative people would behave that way to get what they want.

Handful - such a shame we didnt think of it beforehand you could have taken a photo of the "real" him and prompted her to expect Mr down on his luck (sorry I just dont believe this is the persona he is showing in the rest of his life) Oh dear I guess I am just a hideous cynic!

mrsmciver · 27/01/2014 20:40

I am so so pleased for youCotton. Well done you, walking into mediation looking like the bees knees and to be sat with your ex who looks like an old tramp! Have a big smile on my face for you! You Go Girl!!! x

redundantandbitter · 27/01/2014 21:04

Well, well done for getting through today. Hope the jacket gets plenty of outings.

Why is he so dishevelled? Bit odd.

Is he skint because he's just had a fortnights jolly with OW? Hope you mentioned that.

Least you went. And you looked great. And you were organised and strong and fabulous. Big sigh of relief and. Glass of sherry x

myroomisatip · 27/01/2014 21:06

Yep BlueSky.. me too.

But then it took me most of my adult life to suss him out.

That is the saddest thing really, he destroyed my confidence :( Took away all my potential. :(

BlueSkySunnyDay · 27/01/2014 21:31

He didn't take it, he just delayed it Smile

Original poster
handfulofcottonbuds · 27/01/2014 23:54

Yes, I mentioned the holiday, hotels, dining out etc, he didn't deny it and said she pays half. The solicitor said it won't get taken into account even though I questioned him using 'marital assets' on OW. The solicitor was impartial but IMO a bit soft.

There is no way he has no money, he's a liar.

Nasty man, don't understand how someone can change so much!

OP posts:
Original poster
handfulofcottonbuds · 28/01/2014 00:31

I'm more angry and upset now, have a headache.

I just can't understand why he still can be so nasty to me. Doesn't look at me when I talk, rolls his eyes when I speak, tuts, shows no respect. I haven't done anything.

He hasn't seen me for 3 months and still can't even say hello or bye. I handed him his birth certificate that was in one of our files and he snatched it and said nothing.

He used to be very professional and the one who spoke sense in any situation, it's like he's lost all his social skills. If he's moving in with OW soon then surely he would want this all moved on rather than delay things?

I don't understand it, surely it's me who has the right if anyone to act like that with him?? He never, ever displayed any of this in all our years together. He can't help but show hatred for me, I've done nothing.

OP posts:
downunderdolly · 28/01/2014 03:52

Hello handful. dropping into to say that I know how hard this it - the becoming a 'non' person - but to let you know that it is very common the whole guilt transference thing - and that it seems to be part of the 'path' these men are on.

3 years later and my former husband met our son from 4 week trip back to UK at airport and could not/would not look at me/talk to me/acknowldge me.

Original poster
handfulofcottonbuds · 28/01/2014 07:07

Thank you dolly. My doctor said last week that it's guilt transference. I just would have thought that after 3 months of not seeing me he would have been a tiny bit more polite to me, it hurt again.

I like your analogy of the Love Actually opening scene.

Do they show this side to OW? I just don't know him anymore and I don't deserve any of this, how much more nastiness can he do when I have done nothing wrong?

There's just no need for it. Especially in front of a solicitor, that baffled me!

Still a bit sad today and confused.

OP posts:
redundantandbitter · 28/01/2014 07:36

It's shutdown . He's switching you off, telling himself you were x, y, z to justify his actions. You're right it's horribly mean but he's not dealing very well with it in my opinion.

I strongly feel these situations should be addressed and sorted , in counselling etc, or at least talked through with someone. Otherwise it's a big fat case of sweeping under the carpet. His big lumpy carpet will trip him up soon.

Don't expect anything from him. If he can't be polite then that's his fault. You crack on and don't let his behaviour infect you and your positive progress. Detach.

You should have 'lost' his birth certificate

MissScatterbrain · 28/01/2014 07:37

What your ex did is classic cheater behaviour - the unkempt appearance is part of the script.

They need to keep up the facade of being the good guy that's being screwed over by the bitter deranged ex and is suffering as a result....

Well done for doing a great job yesterday.

Original poster
handfulofcottonbuds · 28/01/2014 07:45

Thank you both x

I emailed him a brief message last night saying that there was no need for him to treat me with so much disrespect and how could he turn up to the meeting with none of the required information.

He's emailed back saying he was very anxious and that showed through at times and he's sorry. He said he is committed to this process and then said he hoped I was okay after yesterday Confused

He can jog on. I just wanted to make my point and I have.

OP posts:
captainmummy · 28/01/2014 08:21

'Hopes you are ok'?? Angry

he has moved on, to such an extent that he can't even be bothered to be polite to his wife - you are now just a blip in the road, an annoyance to his future life, an irritant.

The unkempt-ness is a show for the solicitor - I bet if you see him at work, the hair is washed and brushed, the beard trimmed, the clothes smart. Agree that the 'facade' of being totally overtaken by 'events outside his control' and 'unable to function properly now he's so smitten' is solely for solicitor and your benefit.

Original poster
handfulofcottonbuds · 28/01/2014 12:31

captain - you are probably right. I did wonder how he could go to work like that or have OW put up with it as he can't hide the fact his hair needs cutting and his beard needs trimming but I'm sure it's just for show.

Just like he can bleat on about committing suicide but then plan and book a 2 week holiday at the same time. He's twisted, he's nasty and I hope he gets everything he deserves - and her!!

OP posts:
BlueSkySunnyDay · 28/01/2014 15:12

She already has what she deserves - she's dating a disloyal arsehole.

Console yourself with, you had him during his "best" years Smile

itwillgetbettersoon · 28/01/2014 16:04

I agree with everyone else that this nastiness is all part if the script to justify what they did. My STBXH comes to the FH every week to spend day with the kids. When he turns up initially he can't even look at me and speaks to me as though I have been rude to him! He forgets he is in my house and he left me for ow! Anyone watching would think it was the other way that I had had the affair. They have moved in and we are in their way!! But I will not be forced to do what he wants so he can wait until I am ready and strong.

BlueSkySunnyDay · 28/01/2014 16:50

They are behaving like petulant 13 year olds arent they!!

Original poster
handfulofcottonbuds · 28/01/2014 17:43

She already has what she deserves - she's dating a disloyal arsehole.

Console yourself with, you had him during his "best" years

So true.

I'm so angry with myself for this having consumed my whole day. I know it could be worse as I could be back to square one but I can only hope that yesterday has played on his mind too, especially now he knows I am going after his balls Shock

OP posts:
Joy5 · 28/01/2014 19:30

Just wanted to add, had exactly the same behaviour from my ex, again it was him who left and had OW lined up.

Think they have to convince themselves constantly how awful their wife was, to make it ok to have left.

Never seems to occur to them that if the wife was really so bad, they would never have left the children with her, or that the children prefer to be with her. At the start i used to send emails too asking him to treat me with respect, all i got back in return was i didn't deserve treating with resepect!

All i'd say is 18 months on, having seen my ex in court earlier this month for the first time in well over a year, hes looking dreadful lol and if the influence of his OW has turned him into a monster who will take his own family to court to try and get out of paying maintenance then i think shes welcome to each other.

But please don't take his treatment of you personally, i know its directed at you, but it says it all about his state of mind refusing to take responsibility for his actions.