Whatnext074 is now handfulofcottonbuds - thread continued

[handfulofcottonbuds]

Both my previous threads have reached their maximum postings so I have decided to NC from Whatnext074 to handfulofcottonbuds - thank you to walkacrossthesand for suggesting it as it makes me smile.

My previous thread is here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1902849-Whatnext074-thread-continued still don't know how to convert links

I have had amazing support and advice from MNers since my H left me for OW - over 3 months on and I still can't believe this has happened.

Thank you to all those lurkers and de-lurkers who have contacted me to say that they have found the advice given on my threads really helpful to them too which is mainly why I am continuing my thread.

I have felt so many emotions, been distraught, desperate, strong, indifferent, weak, scared, independent and sad. What has helped is knowing I'm not alone and knowing there is always someone on MN who offers a hand and I will always be grateful for that.

I have a challenging few months ahead, mediation in January and divorce shortly after and moving out of my home. I am scared right now about my future, for 11 years, I knew my future would be with my H and we could handle anything but now I have to find who I am and create my own future.

Thank you for all your support - I cannot tell you how much it helps xxx

Delete it, deep breathing, push it out of your head - distract with something more interesting

As you say back to the "routine" he's obviously put "annoy wife" against Monday on his new calendar too! How frustrating for him if you ignore, he will eventually get the message.

I was polite for months, I won't do him anymore favours, he knew what he was doing. Just to make me think that he's still here. I was so strong with NC, I won't reply.

I'm angry with myself for how it's affected me.

Just ignore it and let him order copies. If it arrives, then just take it to mediation.

I will, I don't think this is the last of his contact though.

If he has to ask for copies then surely he can get them
Posted to wherever he dictates? Or emailed to him?

I'd ignore. Your silence is frustrating and confusing for him.

But it depends how generous you are feeling

Not generous at all R&B. I did all that for months, forwarding mail, scanning, emailing, no more. He can sort it out himself. Like I say, it's not about asking for it, it's about the fact that he had to contact me and then say if I don't scan and email, he will have no choice but to get it posted and then I will have to forward to him.

I don't have to do anything, and I won't. I'm just so mad at myself for how it affected me.

Mediation isn't going to be easy

Er.. Why would you have to forward it - he's redirected his mail no?

I found mediation bloody frustrating tbh . But it was about childcare. Sod all cane out of it. WAsted ££££ on 2 sessions and emailed to complain about crap service. Apologies, don't mean to be negative but make sure you're wearing your armour and make notes to take with you .

It probably won't be as bad as the build up to it.

Easier said than done I know but don't let him get to you. You don't have to do anything for him anymore. He has been clear he will give you as small a settlement as he can...He's not playing nice why the f should you?

Remember that nice man who liked you (who possibly brushes his tongue and definately has friends! ) You have a new exciting life out there when you are ready!

Much as you possibly can't help still having love for your H, I bet if you look deep and are honest you don't like or respect him any more.

R&B - if post is in joint names, like the mortgage paperwork, then it gets posted to the marital home rather than his redirected address, I phoned and checked. It's mortgage paperwork that he wants - he has it already.

bluesky - thanks for making me smile, yes he does brush his tongue. You're right, I don't like him and have lost all respect for my H. I used to want him to come begging to me to take him back so I could tell him to jog on but I don't even think I want that anymore.

Just annoyed with myself that he still can make me question his motives, especially before mediation.

Ah yes, joint names on mail.. Ok, got you. Well if he's got it already then he can just look a teensy bit harder for it and stop hassling you. You've already established that he's at a loose end on Monday evenings. You need to arrange to be unavailable .

Now repeat after me - fingers in ears - " la la la not listening"

I'll go dig out my hot pants (more luke warm tbh) just in case.

Oh love....sorry you had a minor setback yesterday. What is it about Mondays???

I agree, your no contact is driving him mad. He much preferred the old you, that was ringing him in the night...wanting to speak to him.

Dig deep as you can for this last home straight and get this mediation done. Just have your eyes on the prize...once things are sorted you don't have to deal with him anymore.

Thanks for your kind words btw. Am feeling stronger today- coming back here and hearing the strength in others helps. Us women are pretty awesome huh??
X

Hello lovely - is it possible for you to request mediation in separate rooms? Another poster on here has done that and it's done her the power of good to not have to actually see the skanky shit him. Plus you get the business done. Or not, as they do tend to muck about (better they muck about from another room that f2f).

Keep going, precious. You've done absolutely marvellously so far xxx

• than

Thank you both and I'm glad to hear you feel stronger today mamma.

So - he's text me again this morning! Saying that he's had to ask the company for the paperwork and it will get delivered to the house and I will have to scan and email it to him asap!

I found an email I sent to him in November with the papers he wants. He's playing games but I know he will keep contacting me this week. I will not reply at all.

springy - although I am dreading meeting him, I want to hear his manipulation and lies and I want him to have to look at me.

Been off for a while handfulofcottobuds but wanted to check in with you and see how things are going? I can't read all 292 posts! Managed to get back to the beach yet? I hope so and hope you are doing better xx

I am doing better since the year started sarajane, thank you for asking. Sadly I have not been to the beach yet in daylight (have to go there for Pilates but it's dark).

Have mediation on Monday and my H has suddenly started contacting me again but I'm not replying.

Hope you have been okay xx

I'd have been tempted to resend previous email:

Please find attached a copy of my email dated xxx which had included the documents you are unable to find. Whilst I do regret you have misplaced these documents I will reiterate what I keep telling you which is I am not your secretary do not have to forward your mail

Yours sincerely or would faithfully be better

xxx

But then I am quite wicked

You could just forward the email without any comment. Or leave him to flap about.

bluesky - I like that response but I am not going to reply at all. If the documents come before Monday, I will take them to mediation, I have copies anyway. You're right, I am not his secretary, the message hasn't got through to him!

Mediation on Monday. I really don't want to see my H and have been quite anxious about it all.

I saw my solicitor a few days ago for advice. She was lovely well, I was paying £235 and she said that nothing in mediation is legally binding and even if I agree to anything, I can change my mind after. She said if I feel uncomfortable or he starts being manipulative, I can end the meeting and it won't look bad on me if it goes to court. She said, don't put yourself through it if he starts making me feel upset.

I think I'm also worried as I will see his bank statements over the past 12 months (he will also see mine). I actually don't want to know what he's been spending on her as I think it will set me back.

My solicitor said that if he is going to move in with OW, she has to provide her incomings and outgoings too. So, if my H has been underhand and asked OW to pay for hotels/holidays so it doesn't appear on his account, I will see that too.

I think he'll be on his best behaviour though, he'll be charming and professional. I need to be detached and factual, I will not bring in emotion hopefully.

I just want this to be over. I can't have another set back.

Good luck Cottonbuds. I don;t really understand the reasoning behind 'mediation' as I don't think it helps in most cases, other than putting oth parties under stress. If you've broken up, what is there to mediate? Solicitors can do it.

You sol is right, nothing is legally binding (again, so why go there?) so don't feel under pressure to get it all right, try to let it sink in first.

You sound very together and in control.

The minute it turns into something you don't like- terminate the meeting.

Just expect to see a lot of painful spending on the bank statements...expect the worse and anything less will be easy to handle.

Could you plan something for after mediation? Dinner with a friend? Cinema with your son?

I've been told that since April last year, the courts will not look at divorce unless you have been to mediation to try and sort things out amicably, unless there was DV, which there was but I didn't report it.

I am guessing he won't disclose everything and will be very difficult, in a charming way. I'm aiming to get there early so I don't walk in and find him sitting there, what do I say? Do I sit away from him in the reception area? Do I ask how he is?

My SIL was going to come with me but nobody is allowed into mediation, not even my solicitor as it's meant to be friendly (!)

I am still surrounded by paperwork. I keep telling myself that he will be anxious too, maybe moreso as he has more to lose financially and doesn't know what I will ask for.

I have nothing planned after mamma but there are friends I can see if I need to.

I hate this.