Whatnext074 is now handfulofcottonbuds - thread continued

[handfulofcottonbuds]

Both my previous threads have reached their maximum postings so I have decided to NC from Whatnext074 to handfulofcottonbuds - thank you to walkacrossthesand for suggesting it as it makes me smile.

My previous thread is here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1902849-Whatnext074-thread-continued still don't know how to convert links

I have had amazing support and advice from MNers since my H left me for OW - over 3 months on and I still can't believe this has happened.

Thank you to all those lurkers and de-lurkers who have contacted me to say that they have found the advice given on my threads really helpful to them too which is mainly why I am continuing my thread.

I have felt so many emotions, been distraught, desperate, strong, indifferent, weak, scared, independent and sad. What has helped is knowing I'm not alone and knowing there is always someone on MN who offers a hand and I will always be grateful for that.

I have a challenging few months ahead, mediation in January and divorce shortly after and moving out of my home. I am scared right now about my future, for 11 years, I knew my future would be with my H and we could handle anything but now I have to find who I am and create my own future.

Thank you for all your support - I cannot tell you how much it helps xxx

Thank you Cotton, that was really nice of you to say that. I also thought the same of you as have seen you posting on other threads too. It is so hard isn't it? Have been struggling such a lot myself but will do my best to not give up and if I am able to help anyone going through the same thing then I will. If I am only able to help that one person to see through the fog and to help them get through the day then it will have been worth it.
I don't think I could ever go through this heartbreak again though as I honestly think it would be the finish of me! Or maybe I am wrong and because we have been through a terrible time and still have far to go then it will make us stronger? x

I believe it does make you stronger, not hardened but stronger. Most of the people here who have given me advice have been through the same and I envied their strength and wanted desperately to be down the line like they were. We will get there x

R&B - I'm guessing he's back. I haven't heard anything since my DB contacted him and didn't expect to. I'm not looking forward to seeing him at the end of the month though and wish I didn't have to do it all.

Reading this thread, and some of the others, reminds me of my own marriage breakup about 8 year ago.

The horror and despair you feel is crippling when you find out what has been going on and the loss of control over your whole life is just awful. I considered myself a strong independent person who earned her own money, had lots of friends and varied interests in life but nothing, and I mean nothing, can prepare you for losing
the one person you thought would always love and support you.

All I can say is you do get over it and you can be happy again but is very tough especially for the first couple of years. I am happy in my life but wary and realize now that nothing is forever.

I think you are doing really well Cotton and I wish you all the best, you too Mrs McIver

I changed my name on Facebook and for my business, but have not done it officially on anything yet. Next year I will need to renew passport and driving licence (ten years after marriage name change) so will do it all by then.

Hopefully we will all come out of it stronger and wiser... I will never rush into another relationship.

Red flags galore last time, sleep together first night, spent every day together after that, moved in together five months later, let him stay rent free to help him clear his debts, forgave him when he ran up more debt after I bailed him out. Thought it was good that we never argued. Ignored the fact he had no friends and a dysfunctional family..... Ignored the fact he walked out on his last long term relationship .

What a catch the man was! But I loved him.....

Older and wiser next time around....

Owl, yes you are right, it is such horror and despair. The devastation is crippling....but thank you for saying that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I honestly cannot ever imagine truly getting over this and I don't think I ever will as was with him for so long. But I will try. I do not want him to think in any shape or form that he has beaten me down so much that I can't live my life without him.
I am always trying the "fake it till you make it" approach!

Mrsmciver yes there is light at the end of the tunnel for sure :-) you just have to get through all the awfulness of it and its very hard, I know. If you have been married a long time then its harder still.

One of my friends, a bright, kind, beautiful girl who would have done anything for her husband was dumped by her husband on new years eve, about 12 months before my breakup. She was so distraught she was drinking a bottle of vodka a day in the early days, she was totally destroyed. She is remarried now with two lovely kids and very happy. But at the time it was so scary to see her in such pain.

When I was at my lowest she helped me so much and I will never forget how great she was. Its people who have been there that understand x

It helps to hear how others have come through it so thank you Owl. 'm glad you're in a happier place now.

skye - Thought it was good that we never argued. Ignored the fact he had no friends and a dysfunctional family - that's my H!

Skye- that's my ex!!!!! Red flags waving all over the place for me. I look back at my lovely, naive 27 year old self that fell for it all and feel so sad for her. I'm kick ass now though- even a Luke-warm pink flag and a man would need to start running. Mind you- the thought of another man seems a verrrry long say off I must say.

Hope you're well cottonbuds....have been thinking of you
Xxxx

Hi lovely x how are you doing? Any plans for weekend?

Thank you for asking mrscraig.

It's been a strange few weeks, I met someone over new year, it wasn't right for me though but so nice to be seen differently after all these months.

I don't spend every waking hour thinking of my H which is a positive thing however, I have mediation in just over a week and my body is reacting in a bad way. I hardly get any sleep and when I do sleep I wake up freezing in a cold sweat. I'm also having horrible dreams about him and my PIL - I'm not even thinking of them before going to sleep but obviously it's on my mind. I hate feeling like this.

I am dreading seeing my H. I haven't had any contact for a month and haven't seen him for almost 3 months. I hope he doesn't look well but I think he will as I'm sure the guilt has passed for him.

My DS broke down a few days ago. He had an appraisal at work and his boss commented on how shiny his shoes were. She asked if his Dad had polished them for him and he said, "it's just me and my Mum, my SD has left us". He said to me that it triggered something in him and he said he hates my H but he misses him so much and he sobbed and sobbed. It broke my heart.

My H has done so much damage and all because he says he deserves to be happy!

In answer to your question (as I went on a bit), I'm spending the weekend sorting out my paperwork, finishing my Form E and hopefully getting something to wear that will feel comfortable but make me feel confident for mediation x

you are sounding much more positive cotton

I agree much more positive. You continue to be my inspiration!
Good luck with the mediation. Keep posting ... haven't packed my cheerleading outfit away yet xxx

Thank you both xx

I am more positive and need this over, just dreading seeing him. NC has definitely helped. I sometimes start to cry and then I just stop, I have a weekend at home and I don't panic like I used to about being on my own which is a huge step forward.

How are you mrscraig?

Hey, you sound good. And a cheeky meet up over new year, nice to have a little distraction even if it wasn't right. Shows that you are rocking the fringe!

Subconsciously stressing about the mediation isn't nice and I feel for you. Practically, Have stuff written down , it helps to be able to leaf through papers when you need to digest, buy time or take a breath. Always good to be holding something. Sorry if that sounds daft.

Glad you feel positive about the weekends. Your poor DS. Do you do stuff together? He sounds a lovely, sensitive soul

How's work ?

R&B - how are you?

The guy I met was younger than me and gorgeous. I have no doubt we'll stay friends, it's quite a small town I live in so can't avoid people.

I'm seeing my solicitor next week to go through a few things and then seeing my DSis to go through final questions. I'll be ready I'm sure, this is my future so I have to be. Just really don't want to see him.

We don't really do much together as in go out but we do spend time having chats and having a laugh. We've agreed that after mediation we will go to dinner together and chat things through and then start clearing out the house together - that's me and DS by the way.

Work is okay, still not what I want to do but I don't seem to get stressed at all these days, maybe it's the ADs, maybe it's Pilates. When I feel stressed, I stop and concentrate on my breathing which is probably why I get so upset about the night sweats and nightmares because I have no control over them when I'm asleep.

I really hope I'm through the worst. It's still incredibly hard sometimes but I am slowly building myself up.

I often find that the build-up is worse than the event. I have no doubt you will rock when you get in there - but I'm not minimising, I know this is difficult for you to face.

Bless your lovely boy (((hug))). What a c*nt your ex is (excuse language, hope it doesn't shock, appropriate in the circs I feel). If it helps, remember what he's done to your boy to harden your resolve. Bastard.

How lovely that you've had a bit of attention for a gorgeous young man!

from not for! (I haven't even been on the sauce tonight!)

I am doing ok thank you.
Your son is such a credit to you. I agree the pain and agony your 'd'h has put you both through could harden your resolve.
Am thinking of you, you're doing brilliantly- look how far you've come in a short space of time.
Lots of love xx

springy - that's what drives me. My DS is an adult but he is so precious to me and always will be. When I see how hurt he is it does drive me to sort this out and build a better life for us. Being in this house isn't helping so I hope the settlement is enough for us to move.

Nobody hurts my DS and gets away with it. He has been so unbelievably strong for me and grown up and I think now he's having a delayed reaction.

mrscraig - thank you lovely xx

I see that the other thread has been deleted? Do we know why?

I saw that Skye - deleted at posters request. How weird.

I had my suspicions about it. If it was genuine then I hope she's okay, the faceless internet eh?!

yes, if it was real then I hope she is ok.