DH giving me the silent treatment but denies he is doing it.

[sadsaddersaddest]

I have name changed but I am a long time lurker and an occasional poster. Together with DH for 9 years, 3 DCs aged 6, 4 and 1.

DH has been ignoring me for weeks and I don't know why. I can't even remember the last time he showed me some kindness (ie a a kiss, a hug or even holding my hand). He never looks at me.
He ostensibly avoids being in the same room as me. If I am in the living room, he'll go to the kitchen or upstairs and vice-versa.

I tried to confront him a couple of times but he denies there is anything wrong. I cannot even confront him now because I am never alone with him. When I have finished putting the DCs to bed, he is usually asleep on the sofa.

I spent last night and the best part of today crying my eyes out because it was such a rubbish Christmas (I didn't get a present and he didn't even thank me for his), but he never asked me what was wrong. He went to the DCs' bedroom and played with them, avoiding me, again.

I can't do this any more. I cannot even give him an ultimatum if I cannot talk to him!

[bountyicecream]

sss I would start planning now with the goal of working in either UK or France in September.

yes, you need to find the legalities out about moving DC to the UK if you felt that was an option.

Also agree to starting to teach the DC English. Even if you stay in France then it would be a great skill to have.

I would recommend emotionally detaching from your husband. It means that he cannot hurt you so badly and allows you to grow in strength. So much of what he is doing is textbook stuff. On the EA thread we playing 'EA bingo' sometimes. And when you can wryly in your head shout 'bingo' or 'fullhouse' when he says/does something mean.

Spend the next 9 months saving money, building yourself up, teaching the kids English, detaching from him and you wil become stronger and start to see a way out and even that life can be good again.

[daiseehope]

hi sad, for me it happens a lot. his silks last a couple of days. I've had enough and am formulating my escape plan xx

[daiseehope]

Lol sulks not silks

[EachAndEveryHighway]

Happy New Year Sad. Hope 2014 brings you and your children freedom and happiness. Thinking of you. If you need help thinking through an escape plan people here can talk things over with you.

[Phineyj]

OP, I am pretty sure that as an EU trained teacher a UK school would accept your qualifications - and in any case academies (which many state schools are now) and the independent sector can hire whom they like. The is a programme called 'Overseas trained teachers' which a school could enroll you in (although I think it's mainly needed by Kiwis etc as we have to recognise other EU qualifications as equivalent). As a previous poster said, native speaker language teachers are in demand here. Would you consider a post in a boarding school? Perhaps some might be able to accommodate you and the children, and many students who board in the UK speak English as a second language.

I am sure your situation isn't hopeless at all if you can get away from this awful man.

[jinxed13]

Hi op how's it going ?

Any improvement ? Have you made any decisions ?

[MistressDeeCee]

I worked with a woman years ago, who confided to me one day that her dad doesnt speak to her mum. He has a morning walk, plays sudoku, does crosswords and watches sport on tv. Her mum is miserable as sin. When asked why he doesnt talk to her "what do you mean? Im here arent I what more does she want?". This had been going on for years and years. At the time her mum was 70 and had just developed a nervous tic. Just thinking...when she said dad doesnt talk to mum I couldnt fathom what she meant..how can 2 people share the same space as a couple, and literally not talk? But thats what he did to her. Just ceased talking, and that was that. So cruel. I hope you do leave OP. That colleague told me she & her siblings told their mum to leave their dad years ago, theyd have sorted her out somewhere to live. She refused, saying she'd be lonely. But..there are many types of lonely, arent there? As she found out.

[tallwivglasses]

How's it going, OP? Hope you're ok x

[sadsaddersaddest]

Sorry the update comes so late, but DH isn't working at the moment so I have very little time alone.

The sulking went on for several weeks. Finally, at the end of January, "we" talked.
I will try to organize all the things he resents me for :

• I disrespected him during the two weeks we spent in his home country because I wanted to go home. (He had lots of paperwork to do, so I was left with 3 DCs in a house with NOTHING for them do do, not even a book, a toy or a TV, and unable to go outside, with people whose language I didn't speak, no running water most days and a baby who quickly caught a nasty stomach bug).
  

• As a consequence, I am the most selfish person he knows, everything that matters is my little person.
  

• Apparently, I spend "eight hours a day" in front of the computer and he has to do everything around the house. Homeschooling is not an excuse because preparing lessons for 2 DCs takes about "10 minutes a day".
  

• I crave attention from other men and flaunt myself all the time. (I don't see other men. Most days DH is the only adult I see. And my shortest dress is knee-length. I don't wear it any more anyway because I have put on so much weight, so he must be happy now).
  

• We don't have sex often enough and when we do have sex, I am not enthusiastic enough. (what a surprise...)
  

• If I decide to leave, the breakdown of our marriage will entirely be my fault because he doesn't believe in divorce.
  

He concluded by saying that we have both been at fault so we both have to make efforts.
He seems to think things are OK now, but I am not OK. I don't know if I can be with a man who thinks I am a lazy, selfish slut.
I don't know what to do.

[BrunoBrookesDinedAlone]

Hire a hit man?

Or, less jokingly, leave the nasty little shit and stop wasting precious precious years of the one life we get?

I'm so sorry. None of this is your fault. He is an abusive twat, and he would still be an abusive twat if you didn't exist.

[Hissy]

Love, you leave.

There isn't anything else you can do.

This is him being him. He is a horrible, abusive and damaging person. He will poison the lives of everyone he is involved with.


I wish there was something you could do to improve your lot, but seriously there really isn't.

He could stop this tomorrow if he wanted to, but he doesn't want to, and actually what you see now is who he really is.

This is not about you. It is all about him.

He's abusive and will only ever get worse.

[sadsaddersaddest]

He actually uttered the sentence "make efforts, and everything will be as it used to be".

[DorothyBastard]

I'm so sorry to hear ings are still so awful. Please take the advice you are being given into consideration and remove yourself and your kids from this damaging, toxic situation.

[DeMaz]

OP, he sounds horrendous!!!! No woman on this forum will advise you to stay with this dickhead! I'm not sure what you want us to say?

Get the icky out of there! For your childrens sake and your sanity!!!!

[DeMaz]

Icky?? Let me find a better word.....Fuck....there you go!!!!

[tb]

Sad my mother used to do this, and it was absolutely horrid.

My df and I (only child) could spend weeks wondering what we'd done, and the only time she'd speak to us was to ask us to pass her something at the table - but she'd do it without looking at us, and it would be 'would someone pass me xxx'.

She made me think of a bad tempered (and badly-bred) Siamese cat, and when you had abased yourself sufficiently in trying to charm her round, she would start speaking again eventually.

Sends shivers down my spine. In her 70s she actually said that she knew she was doing it, and the affect it had.

When she died at the age of 95, I hadn't seen her for nearly 20 years.

[Hissy]

Let me tell you about the 'making efforts' bollocks...

For 3 solid years I tried. In exceptionally hard circumstances. think thousands of miles from home, in a country full of bastards, where going out was so rare for me -initially forced, eventually through choice - that I developed agoraphobia.

I tried. Everything. Every. Thing.

It doesn't work. No matter what you try. It's never enough for them. i spent 3 years reasoning, arguing, begging 6or him to NOT be mean to me. Note that I wasn't even asking for him to be as much as 'nice'

Result: zilch, nada, rien, sweet FA.

The reason why it's never enough is because it's about watching you jump through hoops, perform, grovel, beg for them to not be a bastard.

But being a bastard is what they get off on.

The fact that he's actually making this demand proves it.

Please just give it up? It'll save you debasing yourself and hating yourself for it.

The sooner you lance this boil and get free, the sooner you will start to see how much better life can be.

Trust me. I got rid of him after 10 years, Within about 4 or 5 days I stopped feeling so terrified of everything, and started to breathe.

[Hissy]

Tell him to be the person he sold himself in as at the beginning, and THEN you'll make an effort.

But perhaps just nod and smile, leave him and find someone who will love you just as you are, and treat you with the respect you deserve.

[EverythingCounts]

Bloody hell, OP, that is vicious of him. You are quite right to question being with a man like this. What will he demand of your kids when they are older and aren't behaving in exactly the required way? Think of that if you aren't sure about leaving him on your own account.

Find out now what you can do about leaving and what your legal rights are with the kids. Do not tell him. Make enquiries discreetly and then get the hell out. No-one deserves to be treated like this.

[MsAspreyDiamonds]

Speak to a solicitor to find out what your options are regarding custody and maintenance. The first 30mins are free so you can see several different ones to get different opinions and help. Tell the solicitor everything about the witholding conversation & affection as a tool to make you fearful & compliant. All the abuse needs to be recorded by a legal official so that you can use it in court if needed.

The next time he flies into a rage or punishes you by blanking you like this, call the police on 101 or 999 (if he is violent) & tell them that you are scared so they have it on record even if no charges are made. So if he fights you for custody, this police record will count against him. You don't know how the future will turn out but you can try to go in your favour by preparing and doing your homework.

//www.womensaid.org.uk/

//www.scottishwomensaid.org.uk/

//www.hmrc.gov.uk/individuals/index.shtml

Complete the hmrc benefits calculator to find out how much you are entitled to as a single parent

[http://www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/]

[MsAspreyDiamonds]

www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/