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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH giving me the silent treatment but denies he is doing it.

197 replies

sadsaddersaddest · 26/12/2013 14:43

I have name changed but I am a long time lurker and an occasional poster. Together with DH for 9 years, 3 DCs aged 6, 4 and 1.

DH has been ignoring me for weeks and I don't know why. I can't even remember the last time he showed me some kindness (ie a a kiss, a hug or even holding my hand). He never looks at me.
He ostensibly avoids being in the same room as me. If I am in the living room, he'll go to the kitchen or upstairs and vice-versa.

I tried to confront him a couple of times but he denies there is anything wrong. I cannot even confront him now because I am never alone with him. When I have finished putting the DCs to bed, he is usually asleep on the sofa.

I spent last night and the best part of today crying my eyes out because it was such a rubbish Christmas (I didn't get a present and he didn't even thank me for his), but he never asked me what was wrong. He went to the DCs' bedroom and played with them, avoiding me, again.

I can't do this any more. I cannot even give him an ultimatum if I cannot talk to him!

OP posts:
DuchessFanny · 28/12/2013 16:59

Come back sad let us know how you are ..

PTFO · 28/12/2013 17:14

This is truly terrible. Keep making your lists, go and see a lawyer to see where you stand- take your list remind yourself why your there.

Then kick him out and clear him out. He can ignore you from the comfort of his new home on his own. You can start afresh and learn what a real relationship is like! This IS abuse is just dosent leave visible marks, he is destroying you from the inside out.

its time to get out.

Original poster
sadsaddersaddest · 28/12/2013 20:59

I'm still here Duchess but I wanst" free to use the computer today.
I'll have more time tomorrow when he takes his sister back to the train station.

Thank you so much again for your messages. It feels good to be spoken to kindly.

OP posts:
CalmaLlamaDown · 28/12/2013 21:26

OP - some of your posts have made me feel like crying, especially when you describe going to the attic for a cry..

How much longer before you break? I wish I could help you!

Mellowandfruitful · 28/12/2013 21:45

You deserve much better than this, OP. You really do. You are a human being with feelings, not a robot to be ignored at the convenience of your master. You don't need to 'learn not to care', that would be awful. You do need to realise how wrong your husband is and to start carving out a new life for yourself where you are treated with kindness and respect. I hope the EA thread can help you. I really, really wish you would just leave the house with the kids while he is out tomorrow, but Rome wasn't built in a day.

DuchessFanny · 29/12/2013 00:35

Oh good, there you are ! We'll all be here tomorrow too ( or later today I should say !) if/when you need us. Sleep well.

Loggins · 29/12/2013 01:16

Of course his noticed. But it's not her place to comment, it's yours.

What do you want to happen?
How many days is it ok for him to ignore you?

AlaskaNebraska · 29/12/2013 07:43

If kind was ignoring me I'd say something and take the piss

Corelli · 29/12/2013 09:53

OP, reading your messages makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up - my XP behaved in a similarly awful way. I know first hand how crushingly devastating it is to live like this, how soul-destroying and miserable, and my heart breaks for you.

Please keep talking, on here and in RL, if you can. If you're like me, you'll need to keep hearing from people outside of yourself that this behaviour IS abhorrent, abusive, and that you deserve so much better. Don't question that of yourself. There are people here to hear you, to validate your experiences, and to help you get out, if you want that. Please call Women's Aid - even if you're not ready to leave they will absolutely help you, and understand exactly what you are going through. They are an incredible resource and they are there for people in situations just like the one you describe.

Original poster
sadsaddersaddest · 29/12/2013 12:23

I am back.
We have had a lot of visitors since Christmas and I am dreaded being back to just the DCs and us.
Thanks for the invites to the EA thread - I will have a look. But some Mumsnetters have it so much worse than me, I think I would feel like a cheat.

I am not ready to LTB. Perhaps it would be the right thing to do, but I just cannot do it now.
It would not be a problem financially - I would find a place next to my school, the DCs would go to school / a childminder and, well, I would cope like all the other single mums. But this is not the life I had planned!

I slept a little better last night. Once again DH totally ignored me. He even took a "family picture with everybody" - I was not on it.

I have no one I can talk to in RL. My parents are in the middle of a nasty divorce and are not available emotionnally. I have no friends.

I am going to take the DCs for a walk. I need some fresh air.

OP posts:
MinkBernardLundy · 29/12/2013 12:32

Don't worry about who is/ is not worse off. it is not a competition- god what an awful competition if it were!!! The thread is open to all comers and virtually everyone on it has said at some point oh but my case us not so bad. it is bad enough. It makes you sad. that is enough.

And no this is not the life you planned. this. this is always the hardest part. There is what you hoped for, expected and deserved and then there is what you got.
It is not fair. But the choice you ordered May no longer be on the menu i am.afraid.

However, if you know you could leave if you had to maybe counted to say that. if this carries on,.I am.considering leaving. I can go back to work. see if it makes a difference but you would have to be prepared to go through with it.if it came to the worst.

haveyourselfashandy · 29/12/2013 12:38

He ruined your poor dc's Christmas,he will ruin every special occasion for them,they will be aware that their dad never talks to their mum.I feel so sorry for them and you.You need to do something that will show him he has no control over you all.The only thing I can think of is to leave or ask him to.Staying on this environment will damage your children beyond repair.He is enjoying doing this to you,why are you giving him the satisfaction?
Sorry if I sound harsh sad but this is horrible and you need to get out because he will not change!

minibmw2010 · 29/12/2013 12:40

You say it is not a problem financially but you aren't ready to LTB as it is not the life you planned? Are you worried about what people will say, think? What will make you ready to leave, when your children start to treat you like shit and ignore you too? Because that will happen if you stay with someone like that.

MinkBernardLundy · 29/12/2013 12:46

Maybe you could say that. not counted.

Original poster
sadsaddersaddest · 29/12/2013 12:48

I know it is bad for the children. I have tried to explain it to him during a previous sulking episode, but he doesn't get it. For him, it he doesn't shout or hit me, then they will not notice.

When my parents told us they were divorcing (about 3 years ago), I swore to the DCs that it would never happen to us.

mini it would not be a problem financially (ie we would have a roof on our heads and food on the table), but the thought of putting my eldest DCs in an awful state school and the youngest at a childminder makes me sick.

OP posts:
tallwivglasses · 29/12/2013 12:48

No friends? Ditch this abusive git and I've a feeling you'll find some. Are you part of a home-schooling network?

Please talk to your GP and get your name down for counselling x

ThreeWisePerpendicularVinces · 29/12/2013 12:53

Sad, have you spoken to your DH about this at all? I couldn't put up with that in my own home, and I really hope you feel able to leave soon. My heart goes out to you. Despite your parents going through a divorce, I'm sure they'll want to know what you are going through and how you're feeling.

If you're cooking, washing etc for this man, please stop. He deserves nothing from you.

You'll get some great advice on the EA thread, and perhaps some friends too.

Original poster
sadsaddersaddest · 29/12/2013 12:58

ThreeWise I have tried to talk to him, but most of the time when I speak to him he mutters something inaudible and moves away from me.

I am not even sure I want to have a talk - most of the time our "talks" consist in him lecturing me about everything that is wrong with me. I cry very easily when I am upset or angry, so he can dismiss everything I say because I am hysterical and irrational.

OP posts:
haveyourselfashandy · 29/12/2013 13:00

Agree with Three,please stop cooking for this man and doing any washing for him.Just completely detach yourself and concentrate on making you and your children happy if you won't leave.

ThreeWisePerpendicularVinces · 29/12/2013 13:21

He's treating you as though you're nothing, and you aren't. If you confront him and you cry, it doesn't matter - it just means that you're a person with feelings.

Can you at least call Women's Aid and speak with someone?

You have to think about you and the children. If you stay, you'll live a miserable existence & it'll be stressful for your DC. My DPs had a difficult marriage and I honestly wish they'd have split and been happy.

Please take some action to make life better for yourself. Detaching emotionally, as Shandy said, is the first step. If you tolerate his behaviour and keep cooking etc for him, you're essentially saying 'go ahead and carry on treating me like shit'. You deserve more.

CailinDana · 29/12/2013 13:26

You don't want to put your children in state school/childcare but you do want them to continue living with an abuser? Is that the case?

minibmw2010 · 29/12/2013 13:35

Surely you would prefer your children to be in state school/childminder than living with a miserable man who is emotionally useless? Well I know what I'd prefer anyway. I'm from a family who stayed together rather than split when they clearly should have and I know I resent both my parents for that. I'm sorry, but I do. Hmm

mrsoh79 · 29/12/2013 13:43

You really need to think of the children, they will end up treating any future partners just how your being treated, it's obvious he couldn't give a toss about you, I know how hard it is to leave someone but you must see that your life would be so much better without him, he's an arshole, and that isn't going to change, I hope it works out for you x

Coconutty · 29/12/2013 13:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EachAndEveryHighway · 29/12/2013 14:13

Adding my voice to the many wise words above.

The DCs will have been aware that he slept in their bedroom the other night so as to avoid you.

It will be totally on their radar that he avoids speaking to you and having anything to do with you.

They will have noticed a lot of the 'spurns' like not eating anything you cooked for Christmas dinner etc.

Your children wouldn't necessarily end up in a shit state school etc if you split - check your options locally, and you could well be surprised.

By normalising this, i.e. accepting it (in their eyes) you may well be setting them up for unhealthy and unhappy relationships in the future.

I implore you to get out (or kick him out). Please give Women's Aid a call - they will be able to offer advice / support / practical help - whatever you need.