DH giving me the silent treatment but denies he is doing it.

[sadsaddersaddest]

I have name changed but I am a long time lurker and an occasional poster. Together with DH for 9 years, 3 DCs aged 6, 4 and 1.

DH has been ignoring me for weeks and I don't know why. I can't even remember the last time he showed me some kindness (ie a a kiss, a hug or even holding my hand). He never looks at me.
He ostensibly avoids being in the same room as me. If I am in the living room, he'll go to the kitchen or upstairs and vice-versa.

I tried to confront him a couple of times but he denies there is anything wrong. I cannot even confront him now because I am never alone with him. When I have finished putting the DCs to bed, he is usually asleep on the sofa.

I spent last night and the best part of today crying my eyes out because it was such a rubbish Christmas (I didn't get a present and he didn't even thank me for his), but he never asked me what was wrong. He went to the DCs' bedroom and played with them, avoiding me, again.

I can't do this any more. I cannot even give him an ultimatum if I cannot talk to him!

[justmethen]

Oh I have lived with a sulker and it is soul-destroying. When I would ask what the problem was I used to get, "Well that's the problem - you should know what it is." After a few weeks, things would get back to relatively normal so I put up with it for years but tiptoed on eggshells.

Looking back, I should have confronted him about it much more and ended the relationship over it.

Call him big time on this. He should not be treating you this way. Tell him you will not put up with it and mean it. He will either step up and sort it out or you will find out if it is really the end of the relationship (sounds like sorry.)

[justmethen]

Btw ex did turn out to be depressed but he was also a bully and I was the target.

[sadsaddersaddest]

Imperial I am a teacher too.
The local schools are crap. In the local primary school, the teacher cannot spell and use swear words in class, there are lots of broken bones in the playground (7 last year - there are less than 80 pupils in the whole school). And DC1 is a precocious child (more than 2 years ahead of his age in Maths, for instance). He would be bored to death.
If things turned really bad, I could go back to teaching and put the DCs at school (even though I would have to learn to drive). I am not trapped.

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

I hope you aren't going to confront him again because you are making plans to leave.

This man is abusing you and your children.

Don't start binge eating. Don't try and get some control in your life via food. I would bet my house on getting him out would instantly make your food intake a non issue.

Please see a solicitor and get yourself and your children somewhere where you can be happy and safe.

[sadsaddersaddest]

Toffee I had problems with food long before I met him. He actually helped me a lot at the beginning of our relationship.

How do I get angry? At the moment I just feel so tired and sad and empty...

[TheSparklyPussycat]

Have a look at the links on the top post of the Emotional Abuse thread

Take your time, you are starting to realise what has been happening to you. It is like waking up.

[comedycentral]

Please do something about this. Can you imagine how horrid this is for your children? Imagine them doing this to their own partners? Because they think its normal and acceptable. They don't deserve this, YOU don't deserve this. Please kick him out!!

[DuchessFanny]

The diary is a great idea OP .. You then have in black & white just how unreasonable he is. Sometimes I think you may not realise until you see it all down, and it can help in a divorce.
I have never recommended this, but you have to LTB
For you, for your kids. Like I said in an earlier post, he is a nasty bully and you and your DC don't deserve it.
We can all help you leave, hold your hand, give you advice - start with a call to women's Aid.

[comedycentral]

I'm sorry to sound so forceful. My heart breaks for you.

[Bigbrownmincepies]

Hi sad, I've read most of this thread and wanted to offer support???your last words "I am not trapped", worry me, as I think to a certain extent you are. Maybe not physically but certainly emotionally.
Do you have friends you can talk to? Have you considered talking to your family? You are protecting him from your family seeing what he's doing( the Xmas/ birthday present situation), why??
This "man" is an abusive, Selfish, nasty, self centred, egotistical bully. He gets off on controlling your emotions.
He isn't speaking to you, he isn't even acknowledging you, and what if tomorrow he got up and was lovely to you? Would you be grateful? Would you be grabbing every scrap of niceness he throws your way?

When you went into the attic to cry, you say you howled...that's pure human rage and emotion, uncontrollable sadness.

You REALLY need to think about what this situation is doing to you, it's destroying you, mentally and emotionally.
Can you give an idea of where in the country you are? Perhaps someone is close and can at least give you a shoulder??
You also need to protect your children from this shit of a man, how sad that they will grow up knowing that their father doesn't cherish their mother, love her, or even tolerate her existence.

Please do something to break this pattern.

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

I have had food issues for many years but am fine now after lots of support on the 5:2 thread. You can come through them. But you won't while you have him destroying your well being. Abusers are always nice in the beginning. How else would they get any one to go out with them more than once?

The anger will come. Just concentrate on making plans for the future.

[WhatAPallava]

I left an abusive relationship recently - a lot of emotional and psychological too. The main kick up the butt was my small daughter - did I really want her growing up seeing me unhappy? Thinking it was normal to be treated by a man like that and consequently bring treated like that herself...no I certainly didn't!

If you don't do it for you, do it for your children!

[Lifeisaboxofchocs]

i am genuinely angry for you.

If you want reason to be angry. Really really angry. Make it your children. Do not kid yourself. They will cotton on to his behaviour, and it will be ghastly for them, in a very insidious way. Worse case scenario, they think it is acceptable behaviour and treat their future partners like it.

Stop the cycle.

[TheCrumpetQueen]

If you're not trapped, why are you still there?

[TheFunStopsHere]

My father did this my entire childhood. My
Mother tiptoed around him and took her anger and frustration out on us. We spent our time trying not to upset Dad any further (although we were actually irrelevant in terms of his moods) and trying to keep quiet/ keep all our emotions suppressed so as to to provoke either of them into sulking or yelling.
I can't begin to tell you what it is like being raised in a household like this, what it has meant to my ability to form connections, express emotions and make good decisions in terms of marriage. Don't let your children think this is acceptable or normal. Be the grown up and say enough is enough.

[Tuhlulah]

I find it hard to believe there's another woman -who'd want him?

I don't think he's depressed or out of love with you all of a sudden, or anything other than -you have done something wrong in his eyes and he is showing disapproval.

This is really nasty, and even if you weather this, how long before it happens again or escalates.

I cannot, truly cannot, believe he could behave like that at the dinner table, rejecting you through your food.

He sounds an awful, childish little man. It's not for me to say if you should remove yourself from this relationship - that's up to you. But I do think this will rub off on your children somewhere.

[CiderwithBuda]

He sounds hideous.

But the good thing is you are seeing that this is not right and you don't feel trapped. You have options.

How about a plan that next Xmas will be different? New Years resolution to concentrate on you. Addressing your eating. Learning to drive. Researching your options and making plans to leave him.

There is lots of help and support on here.

[ThreeWisePerpendicularVinces]

I would start job hunting Sad - the sooner you are financially independent, the better.

The longer you stay the more miserable you'll become. There is no reason to stay with someone who treats you like this.

Can you speak to your family or friends today about how you're feeling?

[middleeasternpromise]

You say you wont confront him, I bet he knows this about you that's why he can enjoy this form of torture whilst hiding his disgusting behaviour from everyone. If you don't stand up to him this will only continue and escalate. Crying in the loft? Silently letting him disrespect you in front of guests? Buying and wrapping your own birthday present and then pretending in front of your parents he bought it? C'mon you are feeding the monster - out him and his nasty ways then kick him out!

[mammadiggingdeep]

Really sad reading your op sad.

How utterly terrible. He is a cunt.

What a nasty way to behave. He has checked out and wants you to know it. Then he twists it and says nothing wrong- like you're imagining it??

You know it would be so much better on your own? You'd be less lonely. This will damage your kids.

I actually think there could be an ow.

[mammadiggingdeep]

Oh- and you know what??

The harder you try with a duller like this, the more they sulk. I know, I lived with one. Sulkers are abusive cunts.

[mammadiggingdeep]

• sulker

[mammadiggingdeep]

I'm sorry op. you need to wake up.

You don't think this is a case if ltb yet????

What does he need to do for you to think its a deal breaker?

The fucker REFUSED to eat your food on Xmas day. Ignores you. Walks out of the room whenever you enter it. Didn't buy you an Xmas present. Didn't thank you for his?!

Come on! Who treats anyone like this? A nasty bully. You can't carry on living like this.

[TinTinsSexySister]

This is just awful

I agree with whoever up thread said he sounded sinister. He also sounds like a cruel cunt, and what you are living through sounds like a form of torture.

You can be far, far lonelier in a bad relationship than you will be out of it, believe me.

If LTB is a bit of an extreme thought for you now, at least tell him to get the fuck out of the house for the next day/week/month so YOU can work out what to do next.

He is not in control of everything. You do not have to live like this, some of what you've said makes my heart ache for you.

Sending un-mumsnetty hugs. You sound lovely.

[Cerisier]

Please find the time and money to get driving lessons in the New Year.