DH giving me the silent treatment but denies he is doing it.

[sadsaddersaddest]

I have name changed but I am a long time lurker and an occasional poster. Together with DH for 9 years, 3 DCs aged 6, 4 and 1.

DH has been ignoring me for weeks and I don't know why. I can't even remember the last time he showed me some kindness (ie a a kiss, a hug or even holding my hand). He never looks at me.
He ostensibly avoids being in the same room as me. If I am in the living room, he'll go to the kitchen or upstairs and vice-versa.

I tried to confront him a couple of times but he denies there is anything wrong. I cannot even confront him now because I am never alone with him. When I have finished putting the DCs to bed, he is usually asleep on the sofa.

I spent last night and the best part of today crying my eyes out because it was such a rubbish Christmas (I didn't get a present and he didn't even thank me for his), but he never asked me what was wrong. He went to the DCs' bedroom and played with them, avoiding me, again.

I can't do this any more. I cannot even give him an ultimatum if I cannot talk to him!

[FunnyFestiveTableRunner]

Awful thread OP Does his DF or DM behave like this? I can't believe no one called him on the food thing yesterday.

You need a life away from this man.

[LifeMovesOn]

Heartbreaking

I'm so sorry you're having to ensure this. This is a terrible human being that can put another through such pain.

[LifeMovesOn]

Endure. Not ensure.

Sorry.

[Mellowandfruitful]

If you are not ready to walk out the door right now, at least serve it back to him. Don't try and speak to him and, as someone suggested upthread, stop cooking for him, laundry, whatever else. If he wants to know why you haven't called him to say dinner is ready, or why there's no plate on the table for him, he can ask. Like a grown up. On the cooking front, you have am obvious answer 'You've stopped eating my food'.

[sadsaddersaddest]

His DSis arrived yesterday to spend a few days with us.
He had to sit at the dinner table next to me, but he moved his chair so that his back was towards me (he usually avoids eating at the sama time as me - he waits until I have left the table and then sits down to eat).

His sister slept on the sofa, but rather than sharing our bed with me he slept on the DC's bedroom floor.

When he got up this morning, he didn't even say hello to me.

Why doesn't she notice? Am I making this up?

I want to scream, but I don't think I could - that scream would be too big for my chest.

Oh, and I couldn't button up my trousers this morning.

[NewtRipley]

My guess would be that he's punishing you for his own failings. Projecting his guilt onto you. I am so sorry. It is no way to live.

[NewtRipley]

Can you talk to her?

[NewtRipley]

Oh sorry- it's HIS sister. Thought it was yours

[MrsSquirrel]

Your SIL probably DID notice, but did not feel comfortable or feel it was her place to comment.

I think your h's behaviour towards you is emotional abuse. I'm on my phone and can't do links, but if you google Women's Aid emotional abuse, you will see they say that EA can include such tactics as sulking, and never listening or responding when you talk.

[MrsSquirrel]

It can't be easy to contemplate the end of your marriage. When you feel up to it, I hope you will phone Women's Aid for some RL support 0808 2000 247 and start to think of a way forward and a future free of this appalling treatment.

[EachAndEveryHighway]

Have you tried pulling him up on his behaviour? So in front of SIL say 'is there any reason why you're sitting with your back to me' etc?

He can ignore or deny when it's just you and him, but it'd be interesting to see his reaction in front of others.

He sounds awful OP and I agree with others about contacting Women's Aid.

Kind of agree with what MellowandFruitful says but then again ... maybe that is his ideal scenario. To just be two adults in the same house, living separate lives effectively, but co-parenting. That way, if he has checked out of the marriage but doesn't want the hassle of splitting up, he gets to have his cake and eat it.

So, really you need to challenge him on his behaviour and give him a strong ultimatum. He engages with you, or you take steps to divorce him. He'll have to show his hand one way or the other then.

Stay strong OP.

[MinkBernardLundy]

This is emotional abuse. the fact that he says he is not as bad as men who shout is also classic abusive behaviour. they pick something that they choose to classify as abuse so that they can claim that as they do not do that particular thing what they are doing is ok.

There is no abusive moral high ground.
Abuse is abuse and it is always wrong.
It is the effect that is the key not how he goes about achieving it.


I wonder what he would do of you if you said in front of SIL i have had enough of this ridiculous behaviour don't sit with your back to me.

You don't have ti be ashamed of or embarrassed by his behaviour. he should be.

But i am afraid i too think he won't change and eventually when you are ready it will have to end.


I wonder what he would do/say if you just packed him a bag and put it on the doorstep and told him to either behave in a civil manner or leave.(because it would actually be far better fir you and fir dcs if he was to leave rather than you going)

[Heartfulloflove]

I'm so sorry you're going through this sad.

I would not at all be surprised if there is another woman.

Have you asked him outright?

This happened to me - I asked him outright and he finally admitted after weeks of the same type of behaviour that there was another woman.

[DistanceCall]

Don't delude yourself. What you are describing is rather serious emotional abuse. His sister possibly sees it but will do or say nothing about it because it's her brother and doesn't have the decency to see past that fact.

[Mellowandfruitful]

EachandEveryHighway no, I agree that long term it's no way to carry on; I would only suggest mirroring his behaviour as a short term thing while you gather yourself together, OP. As things are he does seem to get to have his cake and eat it - who prepared the food you were all sitting at the dinner table eating? And yes, as Each and Mink say above, you have no reason to keep up the pretence in front of other people - it is HIM who should be embarrassed, not you. Call him on it.

How on earth are the next few days supposed to play out with his sister? Is he talking to her? Can you just go out with the kids and leave them both to it?

[Joysmum]

You're more patient than I am.

If mine had said he wasn't ignoring me, then I'd say whatever he wanted to call it it's not how I'd be prepared to carry on and either he tells me what's wrong or he goes away until such a time as he wants to talk as I would not continue another minute as they were.

Oh and the back to you at the table thing, I'd be saying'Darling, whilst your back is rather scrumptious I'd rather be able to to your face too, anyone would think you're ignoring me!'

I don't get treated badly in life because I expect to be treated better and won't put up with less unless I'm having a twatty day

[Lavenderhoney]

Of course she noticed! What I don't understand is why you or she didn't just say " why have you put your back to me?"

I find it hard that she stayed a few days and didn't comment to you on how odd it was or said " look, I'm leaving early as its obviously a bad time or shall I look after the dc and you and x go and sort it out"

And for the love of god did you not see her alone and say" your db is a nightmare, was he like this when younger?" Did she see him alone at all?

So either she knows what the problem is, unlike you, or he has always been like this and she is embarrassed for both of you.

Go and see a solicitor next week op, and talk to women's aid ASAP. Take the dc for a walk and call them.

It would worry me he is holding in rage and might explode at you or the dc so don't antagonise him or nag- talk to Women's Aid as they have experience of this type of thing and can advise you or just listen.

[sadsaddersaddest]

I don't want to drag his sister into this. She is his much younger half-sister and they have never had much contact.

I think I must learn not to care. But it hurts so much.

[Fireytiger]

You said up post that leaving him wasn't for you. Yet you would rather spend your days essentially being a single parent yet having to waste time and mental energy on someone who is emotionally detached and draining you of all will power, self esteem and life. I presume this is not how you wanted your life to be?

His sister is down, take this opportunity to go and see a solicitor without the kids - let them look after them. Spend some time reflecting on yourself: what sort of life do you want? How do you wish to be spoken to? What past times do you envisage yourself doing in years to come? What are your dreams and hopes when the kids leave home? Do you think any of this is something you want to do with DP/ he would want to do with you?

So far, from what you have said the answer is no - to me, don't waste anymore time. Start the year afresh, be yourself, get rid of your burden and enjoy your life and your kids. Yes it will be difficult but imagine next Christmas and a house of laughter and fun not crying and solitude.

Good luck

[ThreeWisePerpendicularVinces]

Sad, I'm sure she has noticed but has probably felt too shy to say anything. Please, please ask for help - how much longer can you live like this?

[Thisisaghostlyeuphemism]

You home educate your dc because you want the best for them.

You clearly are a sensitive and intelligent woman.

you are letting your dh abuse you in front of your children and you plan to continue this.

Don't you know how damaging this is for them, how confusing, to see their mother treated with such contempt? Every time you sit there and swallow it you are teaching them it.

Why do you put up with this? It is horrendous. Please get angry for your daughters future if nothing else.

[minibmw2010]

Why on earth would you just accept this, it certainly doesn't sound like you're planning to pull him up on it or challenge him? Your children learn how to behave from watching their parents, so what they are learning is that it's ok to ignore Mum and she won't mind/do anything about it. You owe them and you a better life than that!

[MinkBernardLundy]

Op I recognise several.posters from the EA thread here . Please do come over. check out the links on the thread. Read some of the other posts. i think you will find you are among friends who will totally understand what it is like to 'wake up' in this situation and who will not pressure you to LTB before you have had some time to process and are ready but who will understand and support you. . And they may also inspire you to see what us possible. much more than learning to.put up with it.

Life is not about learning to put up with intolerable behaviour.

[bountyicecream]

Yes I'd second mink. Come to the ea thread. We've all been there or are still there and can support and help you