DH giving me the silent treatment but denies he is doing it.

[sadsaddersaddest]

I have name changed but I am a long time lurker and an occasional poster. Together with DH for 9 years, 3 DCs aged 6, 4 and 1.

DH has been ignoring me for weeks and I don't know why. I can't even remember the last time he showed me some kindness (ie a a kiss, a hug or even holding my hand). He never looks at me.
He ostensibly avoids being in the same room as me. If I am in the living room, he'll go to the kitchen or upstairs and vice-versa.

I tried to confront him a couple of times but he denies there is anything wrong. I cannot even confront him now because I am never alone with him. When I have finished putting the DCs to bed, he is usually asleep on the sofa.

I spent last night and the best part of today crying my eyes out because it was such a rubbish Christmas (I didn't get a present and he didn't even thank me for his), but he never asked me what was wrong. He went to the DCs' bedroom and played with them, avoiding me, again.

I can't do this any more. I cannot even give him an ultimatum if I cannot talk to him!

Is this the life you had planned? Being bullied by a cruel husband? Being alone will not be worse. For you or the kids.

Ahem "awful state school" ?

It is not awful because it is a state school.
I live in France. There is very little choice. The state schools where I would live are horrid, that's all.

If you start looking for work Sad you'll be able to move. You have the option of freedom - please take it.

This is no marriage ! Your DC will most certainly be picking up on it, and it isn't healthy for any of them nor you.

Your 'D'H will continue to use this behaviour, because, let's face it, it works for him doesn't it. I am willing to bet you are so broken down you would anything to appease him now.

and you have a friend in me.

Oh I see.

sss we are conditioned to think that actually our own situation is not as bad and therefore not as worthy of help than others. In fact, what we are doing is minimising what we go through, almost as a self defence mechanism. I know I've done it. I used to think well he only calls me names and sulks a lot, he doesn't hit me or swear at me therefore he's not as bad as some and I'm over reacting. But that is NOT TRUE! On one level this emotional type abuse is worse than physical as we can question whether it is really actually happening. We can deny it even to ourselves. But just because there are no physical scars doesn't mean there are no psychological ones. And they hurt just as much.

And unfortunately absolutely your dc will be affected. Yes, divorce and state school will affect them to a certain extent. But the sad reality is that your daughters are more likely to end up in a similar relationship as they will subconsciously grow up thinking this is how men treat their wives. And your sons are more likely to treat their future partners in a similar way. I'm not trying to kick you when you're down, but this revelation one was one of the key things that made me leave. Eventually. Anyone who says walk out now has not been here themselves. It takes a long time to accept that you are in an abusive relationship, and then more time to gather the strength to leave, but you can do it. Many baby steps make many miles.

Many baby steps make many miles. indeed bounty.

sss you need to mentally explore the widest range of options here. not do anything immediately but think things through with an open mind. consider all the options, keep looking for new options and gradually over time some will stand out.

For example, do you think he might leave if given a shove in the right direction? What would happen if he did?

If he / you left would you get maintenance?

Could you go to family?

Could you separate the house so you effectively live separately?

Can you move away from where you are now?

Is the DH French?

If you decide to carry on cooking for him then please make sure you do his favourite dinner - ... sprouts and sushi, just like he choose to eat on Christmas Day!

Now that you have decided not to LTB then please make sure you place your own needs over his, for the sake of your DC, look out for number 1

I have nowhere to go short term, and no family that could house us for a few weeks.
I fancy the idea of taking the kids on a "holiday" for a few days, staying in a B&B or renting a small flat, but everything is full because of the new year (and the weather wouldn't let us do anything really exciting). The money would have to come from my savings (I have barely enough money for driving lessons).
He is on the sofa now, pretending to sleep.
I'm going to bed.

sss I think you need to look at longer term, and not spend money on a few days away unless you desperately need to break from him. Your savings might come in handy in the long run.

If you did (and I'm not saying you will) leave him then would you want to stay in France?

In the uk solicitors often give 30 mins free advice before you decide to use them. Is that the same in France? That can help you work out some things.

Would your h leave if you asked him to do so?

Could you afford to move out and rent with the dc? But check that the legal system in France doesn't mean that this would negate your share of the house value or similar.

These are the sort of things that I found helpful to consider anyway.

Sleep well and come back tomorrow. X

He sounds awful, and his treatment is full on emotional abuse - and tbh, it doesn't sound as though you HAVE done anything wrong, he's just a wanker.

PLease realise that staying in this marriage is going to be waaaay worse for your DC than leaving the fuckwit to his childish sulks, and try to save up some money to get away.

Are either of you actually French? Would you come back to the UK if you're English?

Yes, do think long term now. If he is determined to treat you like this then you have to be just as determined to make life better for yourself.

Are there any friends you could go and visit for a few days as the 'holiday' you fancy? I know you said that no-one could take you for several weeks but a brief visit might be different.

What money do you have access to? Can you squirrel any more away?

You deserve better than this. I know all this takes time to process but I'm going to repeat it. You do not deserve the treatment you are getting. Don't believe that you do, no matter how your husband behaves.

Oh God, not yet another gaslighting man. Is it in fashion this year? OP he knows exactly what he's doing. He has withdrawn affection, he is battering you emotionally and he will keep it up in the hope of turning you into an unstable, emotional wreck. Seek legal advice, dont tell him what you're up to. Im not going to say you should leave. YOU make HIM leave. The fucking cheek of these unkind, cruel men annoys me. They want to make a life out of making you feel like shit. You need to turn the tables and give them the shock of their life - if they disrespect you then they fuck right off. Get da hell out, if he cant even stand being in the same room as you then go live in another room - far away from your home.

As soon as a man does this kind of thing I dont think there's a way back, as the calculated cruelty they have planned and prepared to use to a woman, to the mother of their children, is beyond redemption.

As for 'he might be depressed'..check the relationship board you're on. Almost every woman with a man treating her like utter shit is saying he might be depressed, or he is having a breakdown. This, when there's been no medical diagnosis, just the OPs thoughts. I dont buy it. There is too much of this explaining away the cruelty of a man ill-treating a woman. Id say get out, dont risk looking back down the years in time to come an emotional wreck for a man who doesnt respect you. & when you're on the floor - not until then - will he leave without even looking back at you. God knows what it will do to your DC, too.

I am half-English and have lots of family in the UK, but no one who could help me. And I trained as a teacher in France, so I don't think I could find work. The DCs are French and speak very little English.

Neither of us can afford to move out and rent. It is very difficult to rent a place in France. I would have to go back to work first, and I cannot go back to work before September.

We are married. French laws state everything is shared equally. The house would have to be sold because it is too far away from my place of work, but there is very little (if any) equity.

Why doesn't he say anything if he hates me? He must be unhappy too.

This is so hard. I had children thinking I would be a SAHM for a very long time.

My father did this to my mother when we were children. We knew when he did it & that she was deeply unhappy. She never left him & died before him. Please take steps now while you are young to improve your long term life, you have the right to happiness.

If there is no option to leave, and it does sound difficult, turn the tables on him. Ignore HIM! No washing, no food, no interaction. You don't have to be unpleasant but it'll make you stronger in the long run.

Sad! Your situation sounds horrific! How could you think it isn't that bad? It sounds chilling, actually. He is a horrible, horrible man. You can't let this go on, you just can't. You are worth so much more than a piece of shit on the bottom of a shoe. That's what he's treating you like.

Make the decision to leave. You don't have to walk out the door right now, this second, but make the decision. You deserve to be happy. Your children will be ok.

Oh Sad that does make things so much harder, I'm so sorry!

Does HE have family nearby that you could talk to, to see if they have any clue if anything is upsetting him? Or even if he's got any "form" for being like this when he was younger? NOt that it really matters because, whether or not he has form, or there is something that upset him, his treatment of you is inhumane and appalling.
But for now you need to find a way to live with what you have, while you work out how to escape - and maybe finding out more about him/his thoughts from someone else (since he won't talk to you directly) might help you to work out how to deal with the situation as it is for now.

It might not of course. In the end, the main thing is to work out how to get away from him with your DC, so you don't all have to spend your lives worrying about the next time he pulls a stunt like this.

Sad so sorry to hear of your situation. Another one here who was/is in this situation. Like you was abroad, and so to make it possible had to find work back in UK and move DCs from where they were happy and settled. But as bounty says, little baby steps made it possible, and what surprised me was the amount of energy I found once I'd left the abusive and controlling relationship.

Don't do anything before you feel ready, but as you mentally try out other scenarios, do consider, UK is chronically short of language teachers. Lots of schemes/funding www.education.gov.uk/get-into-teaching/subjects-age-groups/teach-mfl.aspx to support people with the language skills to train and or retrain on the job. It could be worth searching/emailing to find out what the situation is for people with EU qualification, I'd have thought you could start work without retraining asap. Again as you mull on alternatives, lots of jobs on www.tes.co.uk

Good luck.

Anyone know what the position is for the OP taking the kids out of France if they were born there?

One thing I would do is start teaching them more English - not only for any possible move, but because it will bond them more to you and is an activity your husband can't exclude you from. You can give them rewards for learning. Sounds like your husband is keen to do all the fun stuff like playing and leave you to be mean mummy doing drudge work. Start countering that.

Mellow the English is a great idea. Sad I hope you are ok x if it helps? I too am being blanked at the moment.

I'm sorry Daiseehope. How long has it been?

Mellow DH isn't being "fun dad". But I am starting to realise the DCs also seem to be walking on eggshells ATM. Earlier today 4yo DD told me "I am going to sweep the floor so Dad will be happy when he comes home."

God what a life