DH giving me the silent treatment but denies he is doing it.

[sadsaddersaddest]

I have name changed but I am a long time lurker and an occasional poster. Together with DH for 9 years, 3 DCs aged 6, 4 and 1.

DH has been ignoring me for weeks and I don't know why. I can't even remember the last time he showed me some kindness (ie a a kiss, a hug or even holding my hand). He never looks at me.
He ostensibly avoids being in the same room as me. If I am in the living room, he'll go to the kitchen or upstairs and vice-versa.

I tried to confront him a couple of times but he denies there is anything wrong. I cannot even confront him now because I am never alone with him. When I have finished putting the DCs to bed, he is usually asleep on the sofa.

I spent last night and the best part of today crying my eyes out because it was such a rubbish Christmas (I didn't get a present and he didn't even thank me for his), but he never asked me what was wrong. He went to the DCs' bedroom and played with them, avoiding me, again.

I can't do this any more. I cannot even give him an ultimatum if I cannot talk to him!

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

He didn't talk to you because you asked him what he was going to do with something he never uses but wanted to buy?

You are in an abusive relationship.

Stop doing anything at all for him. Cooking, cleaning, washing, shagging.

Get yourself some advice. It doesn't mean you have to act on it but you will feel stronger if you know what your options are.

He may not be shouting at you but he is still abusing and controlling you

Why the hell isn't it time to LTB yet? What more are you willing to take?


Even if he is depressed, depression does not make you be a twat and a cunt to your wife ffs.

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

"....to laugh at him, shower him with kisses and ruffle his hair."

Please don't do this. It is ridiculous advice. You try this and he will hurt you even more.

[Kundry]

I'm also a sulker - but I always manage to explain why I'm sulking (after the emotion has died down a bit) and resolve the problem, not carry on sulking indefinitely expecting partner to be a mind reader.

None of his behaviour suggests depression however a lot of it suggests emotional abuse. Accusing you of an affair when you lose weight so you go back to binge eating is abominably cruel.

What good points does he have?

[Worriedkat]

He sounds like the bad points are bad enough to make any good points irrelevant.

[Mitzi50]

My ex did this - with hindsight he wanted out of the marriage but wanted me to end it so that I would be the "guilty" party. I believe he had already started a new relationship.

What message is he sending to your children about how relationships work? These sort of mind games are just as damaging for you and your children as physical abuse.

[RomulanBattleBagel]

Disgusting behaviour, he is emotionally abusing and bullying you

[carlywurly]

Xh went like this.

There was an ow. I wish I had asked him to leave long before he did. The last Christmas of our marriage was awful. I remember sobbing with misery after I'd done absolutely everything for mine and his family and he coldly told me not to be disappointed but he'd not got me a thing.

Please don't put up with this. There's only one way it can go if he won't communicate. Get hold of his mobile if you can..

[busylizzie76]

Sorry you are having a rubbish time!

My xdh did this for 3 months before we had "the chat" and separated. I think he did it so that I would not try to persuade him to try again.....by the it was over in my eyes too!

[SirRaymondClench]

I feel for you OP, this sounds so horrible.

It doesn't sound like you are 'in a relationship' any more.
This man sounds juvenile, controlling and downright nasty.
It sounds like he's doing that thing that men do sometimes where they act like a complete cunt until you dump them, thus saving themselves from having the balls to end it.
Please ask him to leave for your sake
x

[sadsaddersaddest]

Yesterday night I decided to start a diary of all the small incidents, and suddenly so many things came back to me. Such as the times when he leaves the house (to go to work or shopping) and shouts "Goodbye, kids!" when I am standing 6 feet away from him. Or my birthday, when he didn't get me a present but then asked me to buy and wrap myself something. I had to open it and feign surprise and delight in front of my parents.

I went to the attic to have a good cry when the DCs were in bed, but instead I found myself howling like an animal - I didn't even know such sounds could come out of a human throat.

I am such a coward - I don't think I will confront him again. I have decided to focus myself on the binge eating. My food intake is at least something that I should be able to control in my life.

Thank you very much for your input. I didn't realise it was so bad.

[Thisisaghostlyeuphemism]

You poor thing, how dare he treat you like this!

You know your dc will start seeing this and will copy it too :(

I urge you to get some help to leave this cold heartless marriage.

[TobyLerone]

Oh, please leave him. This is never going to get better. He's not going to change.

I had one of these. I ended the marriage 10 years ago. He's still like it, but at least I don't have to share a house with him.

The relief you feel when you end this will be unlike anything you've ever felt. You'll be a new woman, I promise.

[TobyLerone]

Also, I second that this:

I'm afraid my response would be to treat him like a sulking child - to laugh at him, shower him with kisses and ruffle his hair, as though I was trying to jolly him out of it.

is the worst advice ever. Don't do this. Not that you would.

[Freshnclean]

Watching this thread with real interest as my (d)h treats me in a very similar way. SadSadder you have my hand to hold if that helps. Hope you are ok

[AlaskaNebraska]

What a cock. You poor thing.

[MissBeehiving]

How horrible for you. What a twat.

[FiscalCliffRocksThisTown]

He wants you to worry and wonder what you might have done wrong (and fir you to try to placate him).

Focus on your kids, focus on friends, ignore him, and be damned sure you sort some financial independence.

You do not want to be trapped into living with him! Even if you start putting a fiver away here, a tenner there, start your "running away fund" now. ( unless you have a job and financial independence sorted already). If you never use it, at least it will make you feel stronger to know you could leave if you wanted to. It MUST be an account he cannot have access to. You can do an online account without paper statements, so he'd never know.

Please take this advice.

[ThreeWisePerpendicularVinces]

Sad, this is just awful, and you don't deserve it.

Can you speak to your parents or friends and ask them to help you? You're miserable, and need to leave this toxic environment as soon as possible.

Do you work, or if not, could you claim benefits? I would urge you to call Women's Aid too and ask for their assistance. Your children cannot grow up thinking that this is normal.

If you stay, you'll be in this situation next Christmas, and that's another year of your life sacrificed to a man who doesn't love you.

Please make steps to leave and have the life you deserve x

[halfwildlingwoman]

Please leave. This man is horrible. Tell him. Today. "I will not live like this. I do not deserve it. My children do not deserve it. I am taking steps to end this marriage."
I'm so sorry it has come to this. You have done nothing wrong.
PS I sound bossy, I don't mean to be, but you sound so sad, I can't bear it.

[daiseehope]

Hello Sadder. I would like to give you some flowers. I know how much the ignoring hurts, and the rest of the stuff. Like cold ice needles in your gut. It won't change. I find it interesting that he said he was depressed. I have diagnosed long term depression, caused in part by my relationship. It does not make me rude, or ignore people. I am just sad. And grey, can't sleep, don't eat, smoke too much, isolate myself etc. My fw has also just announced that he too is depressed. Which means he is rude, nasty ignores me, doesn't say goodbye etc.

Is it just another control mechanism? Anyone? We're back on egg shells. I am predicting a day of fwittery after vaguely being good for xmas. He will no doubt delight in ignoring me at my mums.

It's the little things that do it, forgetting what you asked for but sorting everything else, buying you a great present but then being a moody shit afterwards. I am tired of having my sparkle taken off happy things by fw.

Before Xmas I swore to my mum that the deal breaker really would be spoiling Xmas.

[dozeydoris]

Don't think that the DCs will be oblivious of what is going on just because you wait until they are in bed to cry. They will be confused and upset but won't know what is going on or why, might even think it is themselves that is the problem (eg with DP only saying goodbye to them and not you).
You could say to them daddy gets annoyed with mummy but I don't know why or something similar so that they at least have an inkling of what the problem is.
And split up.

[lindsay82]

This thread is breaking my heart. I agree with the others, you are in an abusive relationship. He sounds like a control freak.

I don't recommend the binge eating, that makes you feel better while eating but then the cycles of regret guilt and self loathing start. What you need is to feel better about yourself and feel stronger. Don't allow him to do this to you and your children.

It's taken me three years to get my oh to accept my love and affection thanks to his messed up childhood. Don't let your horrible dh ruin all your hard work as a DM.

My response would be tell me what's wrong or get out. He can only treat you like this if you allow it.

[daiseehope]

I agree with halfwildlingwoman xx

[Lottapianos]

Oh OP I feel for you so much. My mother behaves like this and I know how horribly hurtful it is. You do not have to put up with this. It is cruel and emotionally abusive behaviour. Its emotional torture. I agree with others that it will not get any better. And please don't kid yourself that your children are not aware of what's going on - they most certainly are and depending on their ages, will be feeling terrified or confused or angry. Or all three. They will grow up with this as their model of how relationships work and believe me, that takes some undoing.

Think of yourself here. You do not have to accept his bullshit. Please keep posting, you have had loads of support on here and there will be plenty more when you need it.

[ImperialBlether]

It was such an awful image, him eating food that everyone else had prepared but completely refusing to eat food you'd prepared.

Personally, I don't think you'll get anywhere by talking to this man. He's so abusive and before long you'll believe it's your fault.

Do you have anywhere to go?

Why are the children home schooled? Wouldn't it help you to rest if the children were at school? It's not something I could have done with a very young child, and I'm a teacher.