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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH giving me the silent treatment but denies he is doing it.

197 replies

sadsaddersaddest · 26/12/2013 14:43

I have name changed but I am a long time lurker and an occasional poster. Together with DH for 9 years, 3 DCs aged 6, 4 and 1.

DH has been ignoring me for weeks and I don't know why. I can't even remember the last time he showed me some kindness (ie a a kiss, a hug or even holding my hand). He never looks at me.
He ostensibly avoids being in the same room as me. If I am in the living room, he'll go to the kitchen or upstairs and vice-versa.

I tried to confront him a couple of times but he denies there is anything wrong. I cannot even confront him now because I am never alone with him. When I have finished putting the DCs to bed, he is usually asleep on the sofa.

I spent last night and the best part of today crying my eyes out because it was such a rubbish Christmas (I didn't get a present and he didn't even thank me for his), but he never asked me what was wrong. He went to the DCs' bedroom and played with them, avoiding me, again.

I can't do this any more. I cannot even give him an ultimatum if I cannot talk to him!

OP posts:
Lifeisaboxofchocs · 26/12/2013 18:28

OP, you do know that there are men out there, nice, decent, good, loving, affectionate men. Who would deplore behaviour like this.

Original poster
sadsaddersaddest · 26/12/2013 18:29

I have to go, he is back from upstairs.
I'll try to be back tomorrow.

Thank you so much for your messages, it helps to have other points of view.

OP posts:
Mrswellyboot · 26/12/2013 18:30

Oh my heart goes out to you. Could you write it all down and go out for the day? Tell him you feel it so over, I don't know of that is right though. I don't know what I would do. What a horrible way he is behaving.

Coconutty · 26/12/2013 18:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hugoagogo · 26/12/2013 18:31

Oh sad this is horrible.

Something has to change; it doesn't look like he is going to do anything, so you will have to tell him what's what and be strong.

If you take control you will feel better.

ChasedByBees · 26/12/2013 18:31

You say he might be depressed but he's still behaving in a way deliberately designed to snub you. It's not acceptable for him to be polite to others as eat their food and treat you like shit. If you stay, you need to find some way to give him an incentive to change. He doesn't sound like he's going to do it by himself now. If you continually try to please him, I feel he might consider his strategy is working.

Mellowandfruitful · 26/12/2013 18:31

Bunbaker nailed it. He is bullying you. Despicable behaviour. Who owns the house?

While you think things over, do exactly as he is doing. Don't try to break the silence unless to issue an ultimatum. You could do that btw - go into the room, say your piece, then turn and walk straight out.

dozeydoris · 26/12/2013 18:31

Good heavens, this is one of the worse threads I think I have read in a long time

I second this. Unbelievably cruel behavior by him. And don't kid yourself that 'he is good with the kids' or whatever you believe because DCs will pick up on this weird atmosphere and behavior but won't dare say anything because they are frightened about their future.

Protect their future by getting away from him.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 26/12/2013 18:35

You are supposed to be grateful that he gives you the silent treatment instead of shouting or swearing at you? And he psychologically tortured you into dropping your weight loss regime and going back to binge eating?

He sounds utterly horrible - why is it not time to LTB yet? What does he have to do to you to make it time to, at least tell him you are seriously considering how much better your life, and your dc's lives, would be without him?

JumpingJackSprat · 26/12/2013 18:39

My ex was like this. Once he punished me by sulking for three months after a holiday on which he was a complete and total cunt. Why on earth I didn't leave him then I have no idea. He got worse and worse. Luckily I neither lived with him or had children with him for which I am thankful all the time. I'm now with a wonderful man who treats me like a princess and would never sulk but instead tells me when I have upset him. Amazing men are out there but you won't find one while shackled to this arsehole. Good luck op.

JumpingJackSprat · 26/12/2013 18:40

Oh yeah my ex also persuaded me into stopping trying to lose weight by insinuating I want eating enough and suggesting I was developing an eating disorder. In reality he didn't want me to become attractive and made it his mission to feed me up so I got fast. It was very insidious.

JoyeuxNoelHeadbands · 26/12/2013 18:41

Hideous, cruel, abusive behaviour.

I guarantee that if you were to follow his lead and ignore him, it would have the greatest effect. Unfortunately, people who display this kind of behaviour thrive on seeing the upset, frustration and hurt confusion that they cause to other people.

Lavenderhoney · 26/12/2013 18:44

Oh yes, he is aware of it. Of course he is. He sees an unhappy dw and does bugger all to fix it, despite her pleads and putting up with it.

What do you want? You don't need his permission you know, if he won't talk about it. Plus its horrible for the dc, which propels lots of couples to sort out their issues and not impose them on the family. Your dh doesn't seem to care much about that either, sadly.

I expect you do though, and him being like this openly at this time of year has made you feel like shit. Please don't - you can fix it, but unless he agrees he is a twat you might be looking at doing it alone- how bad does it have to get for you?

He can't be happy, but he sure likes to spread the misery and not fix it.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 26/12/2013 18:49

This behaviour is not a feature of depression.

Patilla · 26/12/2013 18:57

I have never posted on a thread like your before but this is such a horrible thing for you to deal with.

You sound broken, beaten, resigned. But you don't need to be and you don't need to accept this kind of bullying.

Do you have real life support?

Lifeisaboxofchocs · 26/12/2013 19:12

I can't stop thinking about you OP, which is most unlike me about mumsnet threads to be perfectly honest. Just been talking about it with my DH, and he said that the man sounded really quite sinister. We are talking about your Husband here OP, the consensus is that he is despicable. Pls see that this is simply unacceptable. You and your poor children. It is the nasty little detail that he avoided any food you cooked that really got me.

I don't know the first thing about emotional abuse, so other people are going to give you much better advise, but I will be thinking of you.

minifingers · 26/12/2013 19:13

Cruel and bullying.

I'm afraid my response would be to treat him like a sulking child - to laugh at him, shower him with kisses and ruffle his hair, as though I was trying to jolly him out of it. I would keep the enforced jollity up until he apologised or hurled himself off a cliff. In the mean time Id be collecting copies of bank statements and making enquiries about benefits.

Lifeisaboxofchocs · 26/12/2013 19:19

Oh, and I do second the idea of ignoring him. Give him very curt responses to any questions he throws at you, and if you have to speak to him, make it curt but polite. Other than that, do your own thing.

I suspect he is practically getting an erection thinking about the power he has over you, waiting for him to speak, trying to snatch some time with him. Do not play into him OP.

MarjorieChardem · 26/12/2013 19:36

He is breathtakingly cruel. He knows he is hurting you, it is WHY he's doing it.

What else can you do but LTB? He doesn't have to punch you to abuse you. Why expend the effort when he can just ignore you? Can you really spend another year treading on eggshells and hurting all the time? If he doesn't want to communicate, fine. Fuck him! By his silence he is saying everything he needs to.

I would go and see a solicitor in the new year if I were you. He is hurting your kids as well, you know. The atmosphere must be poisonous. Sad

Pilgit · 26/12/2013 19:44

This is not depression. Forgetting to buy your wife a present may be. But a depressed person would have apologised and cried at the hurt. A depressed person doesn't single a persons food out to avoid. Depressed oeople don't suddenly lose their manners. Don't let him use depression as an excuse for being a dick.

DuchessFanny · 26/12/2013 19:55

I agree he doesn't sound depressed, he sounds like a nasty, manipulative bully ... You say he's done this before, surely enough is enough now ? You deserve to be happy and your DC deserve to live in a happy house filled with love, not one with tension and sadness.

bigkidsdidit · 26/12/2013 19:59

If he were depressed he might find big meals hard, and not eat much, and not talk much. He would not only fond eating your food hard, and manage to eat everyone else's; he would not find it easy to make small talk with everyone except you. He sounds like a wally.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 26/12/2013 20:05

Im a sulker but the most i can manage is an hour or so. this is horrendous. He is making your life hell. :( I'm so sorry.

How to make him stop? There's only one way I think. That's to get him to go.

starrystarryknut · 26/12/2013 20:11

Vile. My ex was exactly like this. I don't believe there is OW, I believe he is a horrible, manipulative, controlling person. Get out. Seriously, get out. You won't look back, I promise.

starrystarryknut · 26/12/2013 20:12

And by the way, this behaviour WILL damage your DC. It took 10 years of stable loving parenting from me, my family, school counsellors etc, to repair the damage done to mine. (They're great now)