Problem with my boss

[Stupidgirl75]

I posted about my situation a little while ago .... Shortened version...

'Im 37 my boss is 53, we have been working together (along with a small team) on a project for nearly a year. Background I was shat on by my partner of 10 years when he ran off with OW he wants to come back now but that's by the by.

I have a problem with my boss, firstly he is a married man yet ...

He has set me above my colleagues, I attend senior management meetings with him when my colleagues don't, we have non stop banter together laughing and joking, we work in a open plan office and he always seems to be looking over at me smiling, he confides in me about confidential things at work which are out of my remit sometimes personal things about my colleagues, we work late together, he tells me about his children and things going on in his life.

He told me one day that he dreamt that I was leaving and called me as he was worried it was a sign that I was, he told of me of the whole team I'm his number one, another team wanted me work for them and there was great pressure from senior management but he refused to let me go.

we went on a leaving do he was constantly smiling at me and when we ate sat next to me and talked to me all night ignoring everyone else, also at the bar he spoke to only me, so much so that my colleagues noticed. My close colleague says I'm his golden girl .A customer we work with has also picked up on it saying that I have a hold over him.''

Since then things have intensified, he tells me about issues he is facing a home, I've shared the mixed emotions I have about my ex and my struggle to move on. We have lunch together alone at least twice a week ( which we don't share with my colleagues), there's flirting but he has never ' come on to me' as such, he says I'm his favourite, that our outlooks are similar ,he fines me easy to talk to and we could be good friends, this week he has given me his personal mobile number and texted me to make sure I got home ok when the weather was bad this week.

Am I reading too much into this? Or does he fancy me? I might be overreacting here but he's a married man and although I enjoy his company and like him as a person appreciate his advice etc, after what I've been through with OW I wouldn't want to get involved anything remotely dodgy.....

Opinions appreciated thx you

he sent you a picture of a ring ?

Stupidgirl75... I think you are actually enjoying this drama. You've had good advice on exactly what to do to safeguard your position at work. If you've received these inappropriate texts that's all 'grist to your mill' should you ever need to demonstrate that.

The hairs stood up on the back of my neck at your comments here; I think you've over-egged now:

"... he has sent me one subsequent text saying 'Sorry forgive me x' with a picture of a ring in a pandora box, he better not gave bought that for me because I certainly won't accept it he should give it to his wife, if I wanted a ring I would have bought one myself."

It's incongruous with what you said about him being 'shy' and not at all what somebody who is actually angry would say. You're investing a lot of attention in something that you say makes you annoyed. You keep saying 'now what ladies?' and your 'naivety' is starting to grate on me.

Yes, I'm inclined to agree. You seem to be constantly opting for the inertia and do nothing solution, which hasn't served you very well up to now, if that is you didn't want any of this to happen. Sending a 'stop' text gives you both legs to stand on actually and won't be seen by HR as 'evidence of you getting involved'. It will be seen as evidence of you telling him to back off and you're not interested. Whereas there is more evidence right now that you were interested allowing communications out of work and going to lunch with him so frequently. You need to take action now and it's not clear to me whether you're just being a wuss who doesn't like confrontation or you're actually getting something from this drama being allowed to continue

AF posted back here and similar has been said by other posters too:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie Thu 26-Dec-13 16:59:14

You will already be the source of office gossip. Your blatant "favourite" relationship with him reminds me of the teacher who groomed the 15yo girl. She didn't realise what she was sleep walking into either.

When his wife finds out what he has been up to, you will be dropped like a stone it will be your professional standing that suffers, I am afraid. It's not fair, but it is how it goes.

Stop being so flattered by your "special connection" with him, talking about intimate affairs of the heart and looking "surprised" when he literally invites you to start contacting him secretly on his personal number

Baby steps you are taking, right into a fucking shit storm

You say you don't want that ? Then stop acting like you do. Words are cheap.

I don't believe for a minute that you don't realise what is happening here. IF what you're posting is actually true and not a dramatization or a figment then your course of action is very clear and it's the only one you need to take. If you want to send any text at all, the one saying simply "Stop, I'm not interested" (as suggested by somebody else upthread) is the only one you need to send. You probably won't though because he would stop. Even the most stubborn 'texters' will not continue in the face of absolute silence and zero response to their 'digital diarhorrea'.

You're not 'special' to this man, you're available. You could put a stop to this in an instant... if you wanted to.

I disagree. If OP sends a stop message, he can then respond to say, oh I was just being friendly, etc. It encourages more communication. I would just ignore it all until back at work. As if it was completely insignificant to her.

Rubbish. If he responds to a 'Stop' message, OP can just NOT reply AT ALL.

I wouldn't communicate about it all, although I think the HR option has some merit.

Just wanted to say I agree with LyingWitchInTheWardrobe in that you are available to this man.

He thinks you are available to that point that a subsequent supposedly sober text involves a picture of a ring. I think he has been grooming you and has reached a point where he thinks he feels 'safe' with you.

God this is getting quite shakespearian now what with mysterious offers of rings. Of course by sending a picture of a ring we think he means 'I am married' but could he be saying 'if I buy you a ring will you have an affair with me and we'll keep it quiet?'. Romantic tragedies always involve a humungous misinterpretation of intentions.

On the other hand this man could be one of those deliberately ambiguous types who confuses his 'prey' with cryptic messages in order to retain power and favour. That's more a Hitchcock thing than Shakespeare though.

happy new year OP

OP I think it would be very wise of you to document all this and quite possibly see an employment solicitor for a free / hour meeting (I work for a solicitors).

Not meaning to be harsh but somehow I think you may need the above.

Nuzzlepad has made an interesting point about grooming, his behaviour does seem to fit this pattern.

However what you say about his personality doesnt fit the groomers profile.

Don't send that stupid long email. Just say. Oi. Rein it in

Oh come on people, it's just not realistic to expect that she will just text him saying 'do not contact me again'.

She won't be that blunt. She's already got far too friendly for that, and she knows deep down she should have nipped this in the bud much earlier so she'll feel she needs to let him down firmly but gently, by way of an explanation. Unless there had been a massive falling out no-one would respond so curtly to someone they had previously had such a chummy connection with. And there's no way she's going straight to HR with this.

She is going to have to have the conversation I outlined in that email/text anyway so at least she can spare them both the embarrassment of having to do it face to face, give him a chance to pull himself together and then it's there as proof of her position if his wife gets wind of anything, or it gets awkward and she needs to go to HR later.

If she sent him an email and he continued to contact her with anything more than 'I understand and I apologise.' then she should get blunt and shirty or just ignore, and go to HR.

I disagree that entering into a communication with him makes her automatically 'involved' as far as HR are concerned. It doesn't, providing she is quite clear about the extent to which she does not want a relationship with him.

Anyway, she will have seen him now. I don't know what she would have chosen to do, but I can pretty much guarantee it would not have been a text saying 'leave me alone or I'll report you.' That's just not what normal people do when they are on very friendly terms with someone.

No the fact that they've been so friendly is why she needs to put this in a form that is a record of the fact that she wants him to stop. The text needs to be firm but could also have something to acknowledge their friendship up to this point. 'I'm sorry but I don't think of you that way' blah blah

I think most of us will have experienced someone trying to take a friendly relationship further when we hadn't seen it that way, but the problem here is that he's her boss.

Hope it goes alright for you today OP and that you know how you want to handle it. It's difficult to predict without knowing what sort of man he is but he might just laugh it off with false bravado and pretend it was a 'joke'.

Whatever happens, this is the time to start stepping back from this 'friendship' and becoming more distant and professional.

Whatever you do fron here on in OP, understand that f you don't make a record of it, he will. Or could, depending on his real motive. If he he has groomed you, expect the response of an abuser, which is usually anger followed by threats. If he has been bluffing and pretending to be the shy oaf, he might try using that cover again so prepare for that as well and don't fall for it because he may be hoping you will say something that can be used against you.

Hopefully he is just an oaf and this will all be forgotten in time.

How did it go OP? Did you speak to him, is it all going to fizzle out now, or did you succumb to his ring charms?

hope this situation worked itself out OP and u are now ok xx

I'd be insulted a married man sent me those messages, and I would tell him so. I would ask for a transfer and tell them why.

I've just stumbled on this thread and skim read it. What struck me most, apart from the OP's passivity, naivety and disingenuous hand-wringing, is the statement in her OP that her boss had actively blocked secondment/transfer opportunities to another team that wanted her. The fact he was stuffing up/sabotaging her career would have been enough for me. I would have been fucking livid, rather than flattered by it. Wake up and smell the coffee! I hope you still have your job and some vestige of your professional reputation intact.

Don't play the game, OP. I think it will bring more trouble to you than anything.

You're in a vulnerable position. He's got power over you (your boss). Try to disengage from the personal stuff, flirty banter, and keep it professional.

Also, can you look for a new job? You can keep being "friends" but it will be easier outside work.

This thread is a few months old. Things will have probably been sorted by now (perhaps).

RM0104... You're not the OP by any chance, are you? If not, I hope she doesn't see this thread. I wonder why you 'bumped' it? Not a very nice thing to do.