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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Problem with my boss

199 replies

Stupidgirl75 · 25/12/2013 22:36

I posted about my situation a little while ago .... Shortened version...

'Im 37 my boss is 53, we have been working together (along with a small team) on a project for nearly a year. Background I was shat on by my partner of 10 years when he ran off with OW he wants to come back now but that's by the by.

I have a problem with my boss, firstly he is a married man yet ...

He has set me above my colleagues, I attend senior management meetings with him when my colleagues don't, we have non stop banter together laughing and joking, we work in a open plan office and he always seems to be looking over at me smiling, he confides in me about confidential things at work which are out of my remit sometimes personal things about my colleagues, we work late together, he tells me about his children and things going on in his life.

He told me one day that he dreamt that I was leaving and called me as he was worried it was a sign that I was, he told of me of the whole team I'm his number one, another team wanted me work for them and there was great pressure from senior management but he refused to let me go.

we went on a leaving do he was constantly smiling at me and when we ate sat next to me and talked to me all night ignoring everyone else, also at the bar he spoke to only me, so much so that my colleagues noticed. My close colleague says I'm his golden girl .A customer we work with has also picked up on it saying that I have a hold over him.''

Since then things have intensified, he tells me about issues he is facing a home, I've shared the mixed emotions I have about my ex and my struggle to move on. We have lunch together alone at least twice a week ( which we don't share with my colleagues), there's flirting but he has never ' come on to me' as such, he says I'm his favourite, that our outlooks are similar ,he fines me easy to talk to and we could be good friends, this week he has given me his personal mobile number and texted me to make sure I got home ok when the weather was bad this week.

Am I reading too much into this? Or does he fancy me? I might be overreacting here but he's a married man and although I enjoy his company and like him as a person appreciate his advice etc, after what I've been through with OW I wouldn't want to get involved anything remotely dodgy.....

Opinions appreciated thx you

OP posts:
Vivacia · 29/12/2013 07:09

I'll tell him outright in the most sensitive way I can that I am not interested

Personally I wouldn't. He might deny any such intention, make you feel stupid and then make life difficult for you.

Just do the distancing. But as already said, you've had that advice for weeks now.

SoWhatDoWeDoNow · 29/12/2013 07:14

This can only go one way for you, which is WRONGLY. I will wager that your colleagues already do know that you sneak of to lunch twice a week with him and you will make enemies in the workplace over this, trust me.

You need to detach immediately, for your own good. Tell him you feel vulnerable and while you are flattered, it is inappropriate and unprofessional for him to show you such obvious favouritism, whether it is purely professional favouritism, or something deeper...

If you over-step the mark here you both risk losing your jobs and having your working reputation in tatters.

He's married. If you are determined to have an affair with him then at least do yourself a favour and leave your job first.

SantasPelvicFloor · 29/12/2013 08:21

I'd ignore completely. He'll get the message and if he asks again just say Sorry busy... I'm with my boyfriend. Hope you and wife had a good Christmas

No nasty confrontation. Resume your job in professional manner, maintain friendly appropriate work relationship and boyfriend needs to chat on the phone whenever this guy corners you.

horsetowater · 29/12/2013 10:26

There has been some serious victim blaming on this thread. OP recognise it for what it is, this is NOT your fault.

As Leaven said this is 2013 not the 1950s, we have sex discrimination laws. For this reason, rather than tell him directly to stop, I suggest you make a record of how things are at the moment, and then as I have suggested twice, do a test and record his reaction. Is there anything yoi can think of that you could do?

This will be the crucial evidence you will need when things hit the fan which they probably will. Arm yourself now.

Fairenuff · 29/12/2013 12:00

I don't think it's victim blaming, I think it is honest talking to help OP take responsibility for her own behaviour, rather than letting 'things' just 'happen' to her and drift through life without taking action.

OP hasn't replied to his texts and is going to turn her phone off. Those are steps she probably wouldn't have taken without the advice given here. She would be sleepwalking into an affair and despising herself.

Head up, OP, you are taking control and it's not too late to get out of this situation with your career intact. As I've said before, do keep all his texts as evidence should you need them but do not respond to him at all.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 29/12/2013 14:58

I never tell any woman she is purely a passive piece of meat, there for the taking by predatory men

That is victim making

This a is a professional woman we have here, who has the intelligence and wherewithal to extricate herself from this situation before it goes too far. If she wants to. Bearing in mind she has been yapping about it for some time now, and she is getting in deeper despite being clearly warned which way it was heading would belie that fact, however

But, she says she has had her epiphany now and some more good advice

if she wants to take mine I would echo Vivacia (as I often do)

  1. ignore all further communications over the holiday period
  2. back in work, start to distance yourself (you know how to do this, you are a professional person, use your probably not inconsiderable interpersonal verbal and non verbal cues) 3)do not confront, he will likely twist it to save face and you will have the egg on yours
  3. let it all die away
Original poster
Stupidgirl75 · 29/12/2013 19:17

Thank you all for your advice and support I really appreciate it and it looks like I'm going to need it.

Turned my phone on this morning and have several text from boss late last night, telling me what a good friend I am, that I'm gorgeous but don't know it, that he wished he had met me before he was married etc, he's also said that he thinks he is falling for me, and needs to know whether I feel the same way too.

Jesus this is new to me and has completely freaked me out, I haven't answered at all but am now dreading next week.

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 29/12/2013 19:20

Gosh, this is escalating very quickly !

Original poster
Stupidgirl75 · 29/12/2013 19:20

I have absolutely no interest in him as a bf etc and he is married wtf?

I'm seriously worried now this is going to be awkward when I return to work.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stupidgirl75 · 29/12/2013 19:22

Any, you're not kidding :(

Now what ladies?

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 29/12/2013 19:23

Hey, try reading your thread properly this time. And your previous one. All the answers are in there.

HollaAtMeBaby · 29/12/2013 19:26

I would text "please stop sending me messages - I am not interested in having a friendship or any other kind of relationship with you outside work", then not respond further.

Original poster
Stupidgirl75 · 29/12/2013 19:27

Any, valid point :)

He was probably drunk last night when he sent those text anyway, but still no excuse and still enough to freak me out.

OP posts:
Leavenheath · 29/12/2013 20:29

Well at least he has declared his hand now. That gives you much more power. You really must say something now. I'd respond as Holla has suggested because that makes it an indelible record of your position. Don't reply to anything else he sends after you've sent it.

Fairenuff · 29/12/2013 20:34

No don't reply to him. Let him dig himself in deeper. With all these text messages there is no way he will give you a hard time at work. He will be scared that you blow it all wide open by showing his wife and his bosses.

Leavenheath · 29/12/2013 20:46

Fairenuff you're probably right that this bloke would shit himself if the OP threatened to blow this wide open and I do think he's probably a bit of a bumbling twit rather than a devious sexual harasser with form for it, but just in case he's the latter, it would be a good thing for the OP to have a permanent and discloseable record of the fact that his attentions were unreciprocated. Very useful in sexual harassment, disciplinary and unlawful redunadancy cases.

horsetowater · 29/12/2013 23:30

Wow, so it's all loud and clear now, what you thought was him being interested in you as a friend and as a colleague has been nothing of the sort. Who knows whether he's a bumbling idiot or a nasty womaniser, either way OP you have seriously misread these cues. That's not your fault, it's perfectly understandable and right that you should expect men to behave in a professional and authentic way and respect you for who you are. You must feel very betrayed by him.

But now you have no idea where this will go. All you can do is arm yourself by being extremely careful about how you approach him and make as much of your communication with him in writing. If he's a bumbling goof and has fallen in love with you he will be hurt and sad and you may have to let him down carefully but if he is a manipulative swine you will have to really cover your back.

You have had some good advice here on what to say, but make sure it is very clear and bear in mind it could be used as evidence against you.

Good luck.

fortyplus · 30/12/2013 08:15

Stupidgirl75 don't feel awkward! I do think you should reply firmly. If you don't then he'll be stewing and blowing it all up in his mind and that's when things could get very awkward at work.

I would reply along the lines of 'Please do not text me again unless strictly work-related. Whilst we get on well I do not wish to have anything other than a professional relationship with you.'

fortyplus · 30/12/2013 08:19

And as others have said - make sure that you keep his texts! I might go so far as to approach HR and say that your boss has sent texts that overstep professional boundaries. Without being specific you don't wish them to take further action at this stage but you want to place on record that you have made it clear to him that the attention is unwelcome.

MadIsTheNewNormal · 30/12/2013 10:38

Actually I think you should reply to him, otherwise the atmosphere is going to be laden with awkwardness as soon as you go back to work. You can soften the blow a bit now by replying.

Just say something polite, friendly, but to the point, non-accusory and non-confrontational, so you don't set him off on the defensive, where he may try to blame you for leading him on. Say something like:

Dear X,

Yes a I had a lovely Christmas thank you for asking, and I hope you and your family did too. I was surprised and rather concerned to receive your texts last night; I do hope you were having a mad drunken moment and have woken up feeling that you made a terrible mistake, because I am afraid to say I certainly think you have.

You are a valued colleague and friend but nothing more than that to me, and it would be unprofessional and inappropriate for you to think we could ever take that further. Not only are you my boss but you are married. I apologise if I ever did or said anything that you took as encouragement - it was certainly not my intention.

I trust this will not affect our excellent working relationship and I am happy to pretend those texts never happened if you are. However, under the circumstances I think we should allow our personal friendship to cool a bit, and take a step back from spending any more time than is absolutely necessary together. I fear that by the two of us spending lunchtimes together I may not only have inadvertently given you the wrong idea about me, but also that I may have damaged by relationship with other colleagues.

Please let's just rewind, and go back to a mutually respectful and professional working relationship. No hard feelings.

Kind regards

OP.

take screenshots in case it gets difficult and you need to go to HR or have his wife on your case.

Fairenuff · 30/12/2013 11:12

No don't reply! He has said that he is falling in love with you. He is married. He is so far over the line.

He may have genuinely thought you would respond and invite him over for a 'heart to heart'. All he was thinking about was getting his leg over. He is married ffs.

Now he has sobered up and had time to think about it he is probably really regretting it. Good. He needs time to let that sink in. He should be really fucking worried that he's gone too far because he has. Let him worry.

When he sees you at work he might not even mention it. Or he might say it was a drunken 'joke' but he now realises it was in poor taste.

Then you can say, yes, let's just stick to a professional relationship shall we.

The problem with replying is that you become involved and won't have a leg to stand on if you need to take this to HR. Ignore, ignore, ignore.

When are you back at work, btw? Is it today?

Original poster
Stupidgirl75 · 30/12/2013 12:24

Morning All,

Thank you all so much for your advice, I must say I'm erring on the side of silence until I see him on Thursday.

I think he was probably drunk when he sent those texts and probably feels really embarrassed now, he's quite shy so will probably be mortified tbh.

Nevertheless he shouldn't have sent them and it's compromised our professional relationship.

I think he knows this he has sent me one subsequent text saying 'Sorry forgive me x' with a picture of a ring in a pandora box, he better not gave bought that for me because I certainly won't accept it he should give it to his wife, if I wanted a ring I would have bought one myself.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 30/12/2013 12:35

Oh God he is such a twat. Well done for ignoring. He really needs that wake up call.

Why the hell has he sent you that picture. Could it have any significance, do you think he was intending to give it to you as a Christmas present? Why a ring?

I don't think he's that mortified if he can follow up with a text with a 'kiss' and the offer of a ring to buy your silence.

Original poster
Stupidgirl75 · 30/12/2013 12:41

I don't know why a ring , he doesn't need to buy my silence as long as this stops now, I won't say anything to HR it's his choice.

I'm angry now, I don't need all this drama!

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 30/12/2013 12:54

But he thinks he has to silence you because he is panicking.

Look at it from his point of view. He is married and he is your boss. Yet he has bombarded you with text messages out of working hours, he has told you he is falling in love with you.

He is looking at sexual harassment and cheating on his wife.

Honestly, the tide has turned for this man. If he has any sense at all, he will be so relieved to learn that you're not taking it further and this will all stop.

But the follow up message is a worry. Keep ignoring and see what transpires when he is drunk again on NYE. All the messages he sends are ammunition for you, should you need them.