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Original poster

Problem with my boss

199 replies

Stupidgirl75 · 25/12/2013 22:36

I posted about my situation a little while ago .... Shortened version...

'Im 37 my boss is 53, we have been working together (along with a small team) on a project for nearly a year. Background I was shat on by my partner of 10 years when he ran off with OW he wants to come back now but that's by the by.

I have a problem with my boss, firstly he is a married man yet ...

He has set me above my colleagues, I attend senior management meetings with him when my colleagues don't, we have non stop banter together laughing and joking, we work in a open plan office and he always seems to be looking over at me smiling, he confides in me about confidential things at work which are out of my remit sometimes personal things about my colleagues, we work late together, he tells me about his children and things going on in his life.

He told me one day that he dreamt that I was leaving and called me as he was worried it was a sign that I was, he told of me of the whole team I'm his number one, another team wanted me work for them and there was great pressure from senior management but he refused to let me go.

we went on a leaving do he was constantly smiling at me and when we ate sat next to me and talked to me all night ignoring everyone else, also at the bar he spoke to only me, so much so that my colleagues noticed. My close colleague says I'm his golden girl .A customer we work with has also picked up on it saying that I have a hold over him.''

Since then things have intensified, he tells me about issues he is facing a home, I've shared the mixed emotions I have about my ex and my struggle to move on. We have lunch together alone at least twice a week ( which we don't share with my colleagues), there's flirting but he has never ' come on to me' as such, he says I'm his favourite, that our outlooks are similar ,he fines me easy to talk to and we could be good friends, this week he has given me his personal mobile number and texted me to make sure I got home ok when the weather was bad this week.

Am I reading too much into this? Or does he fancy me? I might be overreacting here but he's a married man and although I enjoy his company and like him as a person appreciate his advice etc, after what I've been through with OW I wouldn't want to get involved anything remotely dodgy.....

Opinions appreciated thx you

OP posts:
ashamedoverthinker · 27/12/2013 18:11

It reads a bit like and EA IMO. If my DH was spending intense, close and quality time with another person like this I'd be very upset.

This has happend to me in a slightly different way. If my DH got like that with a member of his team it would be a deal breaker for me. Literally would break up the family.

Back off, explain to him it all just too much.

horsetowater · 27/12/2013 18:17

There is definitely a grooming element in his behaviour. He is in a position of power and she is vulnerable. Which is why I suggested a while back that she tests him. Do something that he can't misread and see his reaction, and come back and tell us what his reaction is. Do this rather than go in all guns blazing saying 'game's up'. Tell him you think it's best if you don't go out to lunch so often as you wouldn't want anyone thinking there is anything unprofessional going on.

lookingfoxy · 27/12/2013 18:44

Op I had a relationship like this with my boss for years in a place I previously worked and it was honestly nothing more than being on the same wavelength workwise and very occasionally we would talk about some personal stuff.
His wife would joke I was his 'work wife' there was never anything seedy or underhand but im sure the office gossips had a field day.
Perhaps he values your input on work problems and thinks your a nice person he can also be friends with ?!

Fairenuff · 27/12/2013 18:58

foxy did he tell you not to text him anything dodgy?

lookingfoxy · 27/12/2013 19:43

I never had his personal mobile I dont think mobiles were as common then, I did have home phone though it was only used for work related convos though (or planning a suprise for his wife) and only if urgent.

I was quite wild in those days though and could definitely see him telling me not to send any dodgy texts if it was like it is now with phones, it wouldn't have been sexy stuff though probably rude jokes or slagging off someone I shouldn't.
Only the op knows if shes getting sexy vibes or just a genuine good working relationship.
There is no way I would have went anywhere near my boss and I really dont think he would have or wanted anywhere near me, genuinely just a meeting of (work) minds.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 27/12/2013 19:50

LF, after having read the whole thread, do you believe the OP is in the same place as you were in your "wild" days ?

Liara · 27/12/2013 20:09

Well, it depends on how you feel about it.

I had a relationship like that with my ex-boss. We were very close, chatty, travelled loads together, had our personal numbers, were constantly on email contact, you name it.

It was never, ever anything other than a close friendship and working relationship. We remain close friends. His wife and my husband are and have always been fine with it, and we have often see each other with our spouses socially (but more often just us). Dh, ds1 and I have stayed at their house (they have a dc the same age as ds1).

But then there never, ever was any 'vibe' between us.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 27/12/2013 20:11

I shall ask you the same question, Liara

Fairenuff · 27/12/2013 20:12

OP herself has said that she fears he would make work difficult for her if she backed off. Does that sound like the sort of colleague/friendship you had foxy or Liara?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 27/12/2013 20:13

Those last 2 posts have absolutely fuck all to do with the OP.

Liara · 27/12/2013 20:26

Having read all the OP's posts, I think that she needs to really think about how she feels the relationship can be and not what a bunch of strangers on the internet think.

If she thinks it can be a wonderful friendship and nothing more, there is nothing really there that says to me that it can't be.

Fairenuff · 27/12/2013 20:36

Except that she says she is worried about his reaction if she tries to cool it.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 27/12/2013 20:40

She is frightened of what it could do to her career if she told him she wanted to get back to a professional footing.

Does that sound like a "wonderful friendship" ?

This is her second thread asking for advice about this very subject. She admits to ignoring the advice on the first one because she was scared of what he might do, and now realises she has allowed to get even more dragged in

What do you make of that, Liara. Or do you think bloke deserves her fear and respect ?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 27/12/2013 20:40

allowed herself

Liara · 27/12/2013 20:54

Well then she isn't feeling that good about it.

But she should analyze her feelings and determine exactly what it is that is making her feel uncomfortable, so that she can deal with it.

Leavenheath · 27/12/2013 21:01

I've had some great friendships with male bosses. And some great friendships with my male staff.

None of that was worth mentioning though because no-one at work was nudging, winking and alleging favouritism and none of my kids when 18 would have turned a hair if they'd read a text from any of those people. Nor would my husband, come to that.

Most of all, I have never been worried about it- nor felt that it merited two whole threads asking posters for advice.

It's a bit like those threads when a woman is worried because she's found out her husband's got a secret friendship with a woman she's never met.

Cue loads of posts from posters who've got open (as opposed to secret) friendships with blokes and who socialise in foursomes, as if that's got any relevance at all to the situation being discussed.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 27/12/2013 21:14

Weak, Liara, very weak

About as weak as OP's initial defence of this inappropriate "friendship" that was very quickly turned on it's head

apart from the odd manpleaser who turns up that don't appear to believe that it isn't compulsory to arselick your male boss

Original poster
Stupidgirl75 · 28/12/2013 21:04

Ok, so my boss has texted me quite a few times this evening, jokie texts. It seems he is out with his buddies and has had a couple of whiskies no doubt.

He's asking why I'm ignoring him , what I'm doing.... Whether I had a good Xmas do I respond or not? I won't be able to talk to him re the 'problem' till the 2nd January.

Tbh these texts have worried me he's obviously had a few drinks and is feeling confident, his wife is not there he is with his golfing buddies.

The last one said have a good evening bye for now which makes me think might try and text me later, I might just switch my phone off.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stupidgirl75 · 28/12/2013 21:07

The enormity of this has just hit me really, this could be a big problem for me, I don't want a realtionship with him, even if he wasn't married I wouldn't be interested, but obviously he seems to think otherwise, I'm not going to respond and I'm going to switch my phone off

OP posts:
Vivacia · 28/12/2013 21:07

What's your current intention? I think what you do depends upon what your intention is.

Original poster
Stupidgirl75 · 28/12/2013 21:11

My ideal scenario would be that we could have a good working relationship as we currently do, but he seems to be upping the ante, I only really realised this after the feedback on this thread, and now it worries me.

Why is he texting me on Saturday night we ate work colleagues ,,,

OP posts:
Original poster
Stupidgirl75 · 28/12/2013 21:12

Not friends

OP posts:
Vivacia · 28/12/2013 21:14

Why are you going to act on advice from this thread when you didn't from your last thread?

Original poster
Stupidgirl75 · 28/12/2013 21:17

Because I've opened my eyes, it's got worse

OP posts:
Vivacia · 28/12/2013 21:26

Sorry, that sounded like "Are you going to take our advice this time, eh?" when what I meant was, "What has changed for you?".

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