Problem with my boss

[Stupidgirl75]

I posted about my situation a little while ago .... Shortened version...

'Im 37 my boss is 53, we have been working together (along with a small team) on a project for nearly a year. Background I was shat on by my partner of 10 years when he ran off with OW he wants to come back now but that's by the by.

I have a problem with my boss, firstly he is a married man yet ...

He has set me above my colleagues, I attend senior management meetings with him when my colleagues don't, we have non stop banter together laughing and joking, we work in a open plan office and he always seems to be looking over at me smiling, he confides in me about confidential things at work which are out of my remit sometimes personal things about my colleagues, we work late together, he tells me about his children and things going on in his life.

He told me one day that he dreamt that I was leaving and called me as he was worried it was a sign that I was, he told of me of the whole team I'm his number one, another team wanted me work for them and there was great pressure from senior management but he refused to let me go.

we went on a leaving do he was constantly smiling at me and when we ate sat next to me and talked to me all night ignoring everyone else, also at the bar he spoke to only me, so much so that my colleagues noticed. My close colleague says I'm his golden girl .A customer we work with has also picked up on it saying that I have a hold over him.''

Since then things have intensified, he tells me about issues he is facing a home, I've shared the mixed emotions I have about my ex and my struggle to move on. We have lunch together alone at least twice a week ( which we don't share with my colleagues), there's flirting but he has never ' come on to me' as such, he says I'm his favourite, that our outlooks are similar ,he fines me easy to talk to and we could be good friends, this week he has given me his personal mobile number and texted me to make sure I got home ok when the weather was bad this week.

Am I reading too much into this? Or does he fancy me? I might be overreacting here but he's a married man and although I enjoy his company and like him as a person appreciate his advice etc, after what I've been through with OW I wouldn't want to get involved anything remotely dodgy.....

Opinions appreciated thx you

I am a little naive when it's comes to people I tend to trust , and what my ex did to me hurt me deeply, I was Ill for a good six months after he left, I haven't had a relationship since nearly two years later, maybe he can sense my vulnerability, and this week I actually told him what happened, it was after that he gave me his personal number( he has had mine for a while for work)

This doesn't look good does it?

Fare none, there's only been two so far, one asking if I got home ok and wishing me a merry Xmas I replied that I was fine and actually with friends in the pub he wished me a good time and a merry Xmas again that's it so far

Zen, you might be right with the mid life thing, he is constantly talking to me about music ( something I'm really into) telling me he likes this and that, them telling me he went out with his mates and had a big drink up etc it's like he is trying to impress me that he is still 'with it'

Faire, I was surprised he gave me his personal number I don't have any need for that, none of my colleagues have it, he actually said to me don't text me anything dodgy ( I think he meant rude) on that number because my kids look at my phone ( their 18)

Ps I would not and never have text him anything 'dodgy'

Don't text him anything at all. Don't reply to any texts either. If his wife becomes suspicious, he will say that you are some crazy stalker or that you have a crush on him or some other blame-shifting nonsense. Just ignore all texts from him.

Bless you OP. Life can be shitty sometimes and you sound like you have been through a lot. Don't let this man drag you down again. He is being very calculated in his actions. Everything he is doing is an attempt to moving the two of you closer to having a physical affair.

You cannot control what he does but you do have full control of your reactions to what he does. He is not a nice man. I bet if his wife knew about how close he is with you she would be devastated.

Do yourself a favour OP and step away from him. No good can come from continuing with things as they are. You deserve to be happy and this man will make you miserable.

Sorry to say he's gradually laying groundwork and the end ain't gonna be pretty for you.

You are honestly surprised to be in possession of his private phone number. You say he is a colleague and not a friend. You know how it feels to be put aside for an OW. If this is true, and I have no reason to doubt you, then it is time to go cold on him at the very least. Put an end to the game.

In his eyes chips in the canteen are a romantic dinner, shared stories of your private lives are confidences, knowledge of phone numbers ensures communication, and he doesn't think this is want this to be unrequited.

You are not confused. You know you don't want this to be more than a good working relationship. He is not thinking with his head so you are going to have to. Professional distance from now on, or a new job. It'll hurt less in the long run.

He's a groomer ... he's doing all these little things in preperation for a particular purpose & not because he's a great boss, if that was the case it would be equal amongst all employees male or female ... 2014 is just around the corner do yourself a favour & start looking for a new job now this won't end pretty ... whats worse than a woman scorned ? A man whose ego takes a battering - you know what the right thing is in this case & do you honestly thing after investing in something thats going to amount to nothing this guy is going to continue putting you above your colleagues? He'll be the complete opposite in fear of protecting his repetation (& possibly scared you'll out him) & you'll be more confused & feeling worse than you are now.

There's some great advice from previous posters before this gets any worse than it is already please consider some of it.

Start slowly distancing yourself from him as he is making you the OW without you realising. Don't become the other woman, you know what it feels like to be deceived and lied to.

Cut down on your cosy lunches from twice a week to once and then zero. Invite other people to these lunches if you have to but never be alone with him, he is prepping you for a shag. Sorry to be blunt.

Develop other friendships, this exclusive relationship isn't doing any good to your reputation amongst your colleagues. Poeple talk and many have noticed, they probably think you are sleeping together anyway

Slowly formalise your conversation, stop flirting ffs he is married. One thing will lead to another in your case.

Delete his personal mobile number.

Apply for another position, what do you think will happen ito your relationship and career if this sours? He is your boss not your friend or boyfriend, start looking after yourself.

Start dating someone, even if it is casual as you need to experience other men.

OW to an emotional affair I'm afraid.

Withdraw. Stay busy, don't lunch. Or text. Be professional.

I should imagine everyone in the office assumes you are sleeping with him already!

Agree to start looking for another job ASAP, while he is still thinking he might get you into bed and so will give you a good reference.

Perhaps invent a new bf who travels but refuse to discuss it with him of course as its disloyal, and start to be busy at lunchtimes. He will know instantly and either start to behave like a tosser or back off himself. Let's hope its the second.

I'm appalled he treats you differently to the rest of the team, that is so unhealthy for team dynamics and potentially will land you in the shit. And it makes it look to everyone else that you're having an affair.

He's defo grooming you and stroking his sad little ego, and probably other things. Yuck. Befriend colleagues op, much healthier. The consensus here is clear.

You will already be the source of office gossip. Your blatant "favourite" relationship with him reminds me of the teacher who groomed the 15yo girl. She didn't realise what she was sleep walking into either.

When his wife finds out what he has been up to, you will be dropped like a stone it will be your professional standing that suffers, I am afraid. It's not fair, but it is how it goes.

Stop being so flattered by your "special connection" with him, talking about intimate affairs of the heart and looking "surprised" when he literally invites you to start contacting him secretly on his personal number

Baby steps you are taking, right into a fucking shit storm

You say you don't want that ? Then stop acting like you do. Words are cheap.

What AnyFuckerForAMincePie said.

If other colleagues have picked up on it, including a customer then you're in much deeper than you think. You're risking much more than you think, and if you want your professional integrity to remain intact, you have to do some serious distancing and damage limitation now.

He wants the family home life and you on the side. As someone upthread said, soon his wife won't understand him, they're only together for the house/kids/dog and they never have sex.

Talk is cheap, you need to start actioning things. No texting, no more lunches alone together and ice-cold self-preservation.

I don't think that you've done anything wrong. It could be as people are describing, that this man is grooming you for an affair and that you are already the Other Woman.

I disagree however, however. You have got on well with this man, but you'd rather have a professional relationship than a friendship, so warning bells are ringing.

Just re-address the balance and don't beat yourself up or start believing that you are naive or betraying another woman or being ridiculed behind your back.

Thank you all so much for your responses....

I am too worried about the rumour mill, my colleagues have noticed that we are always laughing and joking my closest friend at work has said that I'm his golden girl and have him wrapped around my finger, but he certainly doesn't cut me any slack work wise in fact I think he expects more from me!

I was hoping you would say I was imagining this and blowing things out of proportion but the general consensus seems to be that his intentions are not good and this is more than harmless office banter.

I genuinely did value his friendship and advice and so I'm sad that this is the way he is thinking.

Thank you Viv, I really didn't think that things would turn out like this, I do value his opinion and experience and as we share a lot of interests the conversation flowed very easily between us. Other than the odd fish and chips at lunch I certainly don't get any ' favours' , so I would hate to think my colleagues think that there is actually anything going on other than us just getting on well.

Things like this don't happen to me, I'm not particularly attractive ( I don't think!) and can be quiet dry for some people, perhaps that's why I didn't pick up on it sooner!

You said in your OP that you had posted about this before

What kind of replies did you get then ?

And why are you posting the same thing again ?

Any, I was advised to talk to him and tell him I only saw him as a colleague, but I was worried about his response and instead of taking control of the situation I've allowed myself to be pulled further in.

No.

You chose to get further involved.

You are not a passive victim, but you're trying to sound like one.

You have choices and you're capable of making decisions.

The only reason people make choices like the ones you're making is because it suits you to have your boss favouring you over other colleagues and it makes you feel special that you are his confidante.

You won't 'own' the fact that you're heading down the OW path and this is why in few weeks or months time when it's become a physical affair, you'll say 'it just happened'.

I'm not going to slate him either- he's just the same as you. Pretending that you're just a friend who understands him.

He'll do that whole 'who knew?' thing too when it becomes an affair, especially if it's his first.

Ah, I see

I am not surprised. You should have taken the advice you were given before. Are you going to take it now ?

In what way were you "worried" by his response ? I thought he was just a colleague, someone you found very easy to talk to ?

You are disingenuous, love, and I think you are posting again in the hope you will get some people saying you are doing no harm

But you are

but I was worried about his response and instead of taking control of the situation I've allowed myself to be pulled further in

What were you worried that he would do?

I was worried that he might take offence at me wanting to return to a more formal working relationship and make things very difficult for me at work.

As I've said I'm not a looker by any means and so it didn't really occur to me that this would be anything other than a good working relationship or friendship at the most, I have never been involved with a married man and do not wish to be, I've been very hurt by infidelity myself.

I can honestly say that I get no special breaks for being closer to him other than some lunch now and again he certainly doesn't let me slack off work wise!