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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Problem with my boss

199 replies

Stupidgirl75 · 25/12/2013 22:36

I posted about my situation a little while ago .... Shortened version...

'Im 37 my boss is 53, we have been working together (along with a small team) on a project for nearly a year. Background I was shat on by my partner of 10 years when he ran off with OW he wants to come back now but that's by the by.

I have a problem with my boss, firstly he is a married man yet ...

He has set me above my colleagues, I attend senior management meetings with him when my colleagues don't, we have non stop banter together laughing and joking, we work in a open plan office and he always seems to be looking over at me smiling, he confides in me about confidential things at work which are out of my remit sometimes personal things about my colleagues, we work late together, he tells me about his children and things going on in his life.

He told me one day that he dreamt that I was leaving and called me as he was worried it was a sign that I was, he told of me of the whole team I'm his number one, another team wanted me work for them and there was great pressure from senior management but he refused to let me go.

we went on a leaving do he was constantly smiling at me and when we ate sat next to me and talked to me all night ignoring everyone else, also at the bar he spoke to only me, so much so that my colleagues noticed. My close colleague says I'm his golden girl .A customer we work with has also picked up on it saying that I have a hold over him.''

Since then things have intensified, he tells me about issues he is facing a home, I've shared the mixed emotions I have about my ex and my struggle to move on. We have lunch together alone at least twice a week ( which we don't share with my colleagues), there's flirting but he has never ' come on to me' as such, he says I'm his favourite, that our outlooks are similar ,he fines me easy to talk to and we could be good friends, this week he has given me his personal mobile number and texted me to make sure I got home ok when the weather was bad this week.

Am I reading too much into this? Or does he fancy me? I might be overreacting here but he's a married man and although I enjoy his company and like him as a person appreciate his advice etc, after what I've been through with OW I wouldn't want to get involved anything remotely dodgy.....

Opinions appreciated thx you

OP posts:

Original poster

Stupidgirl75 · 28/12/2013 21:29

It's ok I didn't take it like that, I suppose the feedback I received made me think, and him texting me when he wife isn't there it's just dodgy .... I don't know maybe I'm overthinking this :(

OP posts:

Original poster

Stupidgirl75 · 28/12/2013 21:30

He's had all over Xmas to text me if he wanted to but he waits until he has had a drink and he's on his own ....

OP posts:

Vivacia · 28/12/2013 21:32

I think it sounds as though it's causing you a lot of worry.

What are your options?

Original poster

Stupidgirl75 · 28/12/2013 21:35

It wasn't really - I thought it might be in inappropriate but the feedback I got concerned me as I can be a bit dim it comes to men.

Sorry maybe I'm panicking now unnecessarily

OP posts:

TheSecretOfTheNile · 28/12/2013 21:40

Turn your phone off. Don't respond to any texts. When you go back to work you are under no obligation to explain why you didn't respond. Be light, bright and polite, and chat as much to other collegues as to your boss. Back off without explicitly saying you're doing so. Be confident to be a friendly good colleague not only to him but to the rest of your team too.

That's my advice!

Fairenuff · 28/12/2013 21:41

Do not reply. Keep all the texts from him as evidence, should you need to show at a later date that it was him contacting you. Ignore all attempts at contact from him until you see him at work.

When you see him you could be straight with him but that might not be in your best interests. It might be smarter to just play it cool and let it fizzle out.

Fairenuff · 28/12/2013 21:44

Ah x post with Secret there, but same advice.

ArgumentsatChristmas · 28/12/2013 21:48

I have a team at work. I am very careful not to prefer one team member over another in terms of social contact, lunches etc. I make sure I take them all out individually at least once a year. I make sure they have an even spread of interesting projects and interesting meetings.

His behaviour as your line manager is entirely inappropriate. I am not sure what you can do to remedy the situation. You need to put a stop to this and quickly. Do not respond to his texts and tell him you are busy when next he asks you out for lunch. Do not respond.

lookingfoxy · 28/12/2013 21:52

Hmm I cant see this happening in my situation, seems like he's a sleaze after all, sorry op.

Vivacia · 28/12/2013 21:52

the feedback I got concerned me as I can be a bit dim it comes to men

You've been saying that for a while now.

Mumsyblouse · 28/12/2013 22:34

Having read your OP I think you are now reaping what you have sown, and I'm not sure naivety can excuse it really. I have worked in many offices over the years and have had older male bosses take an interest in my career and possibly other things, so have gone out of my way to show that while I appreciate their support, I never ever stray out of professional boundaries- so no late nights (or if one late night, go home immediately after finishing, don't linger around chatting), no regular lunches (if a lunch meeting comes up, fine, but not every week to the exclusion of others), keep to fairly neutral topics unless very sure they are not interested and so on. It doesn't mean you can't have a fun enjoyable relationship with work colleagues, I certainly have over the years, but you have been incredibly (and not entirely believable) naïve and allowed the boundaries to be so blurred, you are now in real trouble.

You should have said when he handed over his mobile no 'oh, I think it's better if we speak on email, I'm not that comfortable at having mobile nos of colleagues' and so on.

What to do now- I would pretend you haven't noticed his ulterior motive, if you confront him, he has not really done anything so terrible and you can't prove he fancies you and you certainly can't accuse him of preferentially treating you (as what does that say about you). I would just say nothing, as others have suggested, go back to work, be cheery but very professional. If he asks why you didn't reply, just say the above about not being too comfortable about communicating out of work through mobiles, but you check your email loads (he won't write anything incriminating in that). Don't have a word with him- what word are you going to have? It's all insinuation and flirting, you won't have a leg to stand on from a HR point of view and will end up worse out of the situation. Back off, ride it out, pretend all is fine, you may just get away with it.

ODearMe · 28/12/2013 22:43

Go off work with stress and use the time to find another job.

If you cannot find another job, use the time to distance yourself from him.

ArgumentsatChristmas · 28/12/2013 22:51

As a veteran of these situations, can I just tell you who loses? The junior loses. It may have been flattering to have all this attention, but you know why you were receiving all the attention.

One of the most talented girls ever to join my team fell victim to this. Not from me but from a team leader from an affiliated team. She left the firm with her reputation in tatters. I was seething. I know that HE should not have behaved like this. But the he in question was a foolish middle-aged bloke with an appalling relationship history. She had bags more talent than he did and truly could have gone all the way. She exited the firm. Her career has been in freefall ever since.

Sometimes I despair. Yes, the bloke was an arse. Unfortunately the world of work is populated by blokes who are arses. You play this game at your peril. You are the one in danger here. Not him.

Oh and as a precaution, I would record your interactions with him. You will either have to sleep with him (I am assuming this is not what you want to do) or fend him off. If you go into fending-off mode, he will feel rejected. He might get nasty. You need to protect yourself here. You have behaved ridiculously up to this point to be honest. I hope you come out of this unscathed.

Original poster

Stupidgirl75 · 29/12/2013 00:17

I know I'm been foolish but I can honestly say I have never wanted this realtionship to become physical.

We have similar outlooks on life, interests, sense of humour, I thought we just got on, and I have worked very hard to get the position I am in on the salary I am on, without the need to sleep with the boss to get there.

I have recently been cheated on myself by someone I loved deeply I would never do that to another woman. I have not lead him on on anyway, all I have done is treat him in the same way I would my other colleagues, laugh, joke, banter go to lunch if they ask etc i feel like I'm being a bit bashed here.

I don't turn up to work in my sexiest outfit lending over his desk, I'm not into looks at all, I just go in do my work to the best of my ability and try to get along with people, he my boss that's the only difference

OP posts:

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 29/12/2013 00:24

I can hear the squeeling wheels of backpedalling from here...

Leavenheath · 29/12/2013 00:27

On long threads there are always Jonnie-come-latelys who post controversial, attention-seeking stuff. Shrug it off, love.

I get that you posted again because you could see this was escalating and getting out of control.

My advice is to take control of this now.

I'd be very direct about it with him, make it clear that you're not interested in anything but a work relationship and have a quiet word with HR if you encounter any resistance from him or any further attempts to cross the new boundaries you've laid out.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 29/12/2013 00:30

Who are you referring to, LH ?

Original poster

Stupidgirl75 · 29/12/2013 00:33

Any no back-pedalling promise .....

Leaven Thank you - he knows how I feel about cheating because I told him how hurt I was when it happened to me.

I can talk to him easily, I'll tell him outright in the most sensitive way I can that I am not interested - then we will see whether he is as 'nice' as he comes across,, and whether he does value me for my work .

OP posts:

Dirtybadger · 29/12/2013 00:36

If you ignore him until 2nd January he may already get the picture. If I'd sent a bunch of texts whilst drunk to someone and they'd not responded (at all)...I'd get the picture. It'd be hard not to!

lookingfoxy · 29/12/2013 00:37

Mumsyblouses last paragraph.

Leavenheath · 29/12/2013 01:03

Arguments AF. Describing 'girls' in a workplace from the 1950s, with apparently no HR, no grievance procedures and a business economy that can apparently afford to squander talent, unless a 'girl' sleeps with her boss.

Certainly not you (perish the thought)

kickassangel · 29/12/2013 01:21

If other managers want you to work for them, can you go to HR and ask for a transfer?

I just don't see a good ending for you in this scenario.

Leavenheath · 29/12/2013 01:26

Oh and OP...sod 'sensitivity'. Don't be all hand-wringing about this. Be direct and be assertive. Follow the advice you were given very early on in this thread and tell him that boundaries are becoming too blurred and you want to reinstate them.

If I was right about him upthread and he's just another yawntastic middle-aged man who's thinking this is the last chance saloon to have a midlife crisis first affair, but who doesn't really want the grief that entails, after the initial disappointment, one day he will thank you for that. If I'm wrong and he makes a habit of this and making life difficult for women who work for him then that's where HR come in- and don't be afraid to use them.

But stop pissing around with this now and thinking that this man is interested in you only for your great work and your friendship- and sort it out. He fancies you and thinks you're affair material. It's no big deal and it's hardly shocking stuff. It's no compliment either.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 29/12/2013 01:26

I didn't think it was me, just couldn't see who else for a moment

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 29/12/2013 01:27

That was to LH. I think all the mince pies have left me a bit slow on the uptake

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