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Original poster

Problem with my boss

199 replies

Stupidgirl75 · 25/12/2013 22:36

I posted about my situation a little while ago .... Shortened version...

'Im 37 my boss is 53, we have been working together (along with a small team) on a project for nearly a year. Background I was shat on by my partner of 10 years when he ran off with OW he wants to come back now but that's by the by.

I have a problem with my boss, firstly he is a married man yet ...

He has set me above my colleagues, I attend senior management meetings with him when my colleagues don't, we have non stop banter together laughing and joking, we work in a open plan office and he always seems to be looking over at me smiling, he confides in me about confidential things at work which are out of my remit sometimes personal things about my colleagues, we work late together, he tells me about his children and things going on in his life.

He told me one day that he dreamt that I was leaving and called me as he was worried it was a sign that I was, he told of me of the whole team I'm his number one, another team wanted me work for them and there was great pressure from senior management but he refused to let me go.

we went on a leaving do he was constantly smiling at me and when we ate sat next to me and talked to me all night ignoring everyone else, also at the bar he spoke to only me, so much so that my colleagues noticed. My close colleague says I'm his golden girl .A customer we work with has also picked up on it saying that I have a hold over him.''

Since then things have intensified, he tells me about issues he is facing a home, I've shared the mixed emotions I have about my ex and my struggle to move on. We have lunch together alone at least twice a week ( which we don't share with my colleagues), there's flirting but he has never ' come on to me' as such, he says I'm his favourite, that our outlooks are similar ,he fines me easy to talk to and we could be good friends, this week he has given me his personal mobile number and texted me to make sure I got home ok when the weather was bad this week.

Am I reading too much into this? Or does he fancy me? I might be overreacting here but he's a married man and although I enjoy his company and like him as a person appreciate his advice etc, after what I've been through with OW I wouldn't want to get involved anything remotely dodgy.....

Opinions appreciated thx you

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 27/12/2013 12:29

I was worried that he might take offence at me wanting to return to a more formal working relationship and make things very difficult for me at work

What do you think he would do to make things difficult for you?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 27/12/2013 12:34

If you had those concerns then I don't understand why you thought what you were both doing was harmless and simply a workplace friendship

You are not listening to anyone at all, are you, most of all him

Leavenheath · 27/12/2013 12:37

You do get special breaks. You're just not acknowledging them. If you screwed up he'd give you the benefit of the doubt more than one of your colleagues.

This needs to be a formal relationship, yet you write about it as though that's a bad thing and that things would get difficult for you at work if it became businesslike, which is what it should be.

Did you think that all OW were sexy glamorous sirens?

IME, women like you describe yourself are much more likely to be an OW than a woman who is confident in her own skin, has great relationships with other women and doesn't feel over-flattered by men having a midlife crisis.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 27/12/2013 12:41

Yup, some of the OW I have known have been shy, dowdy and rather lacking in confidence

Hence, being more vulnerable to swallowing the bullshit, and more likely to let their boundaries get blurred. They were also inveterate manpleasers, which IME is pretty universal no matter what other background there is to an affair

OP, you are having an emotional affair with your boss. Have you understood that yet ?

WherewasHonahLee · 27/12/2013 12:41

How do you think his wife would feel if she knew?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 27/12/2013 12:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 27/12/2013 12:45

Sorry, wrong thread. I will ask for that post to be withdrawn.

Chivetalking · 27/12/2013 12:49

I was worried that he might take offence at me wanting to return to a more formal working relationship and make things very difficult for me at work

Well you've now made it doubly difficult for yourself by passively continuing along the same path IMO.

How do you think this is going to end?

fortyplus · 27/12/2013 12:49

Stupidgirl75 I think you need to tell him that you are concerned that your relationship is 'overstepping professional boundaries'. From what you've written it seems that you and he are having an emotional affair - it would be naive to think that this is harmless because it doesn't involve sex.

There are many threads on here about how a long, intense emotional relationship can be far more damaging than a short sexual dalliance.

Leavenheath · 27/12/2013 12:53

YY to the manpleaser OW.

I've also met women whose husbands have been unfaithful and they try to exact vengeance on other women.

You don't sound like that.

But I do think there's a bit of wanting to get a piece of what your husband's OW had (or thought she had).

That feeling of being more special than everyone else and being the all-listening ear to a boring man droning on about his actually perfectly ordinary marriage, but honing in on the sighing and hints of dark unhappiness and how he can't have conversations like this with his wife anymore.

Yawn.

His wife's version of events would be interesting, but if she was your boss I don't suppose you'd be interested in having cosy canteen lunches while she confided in you.

If she told you not to text anything 'dodgy' in case her kids read it, you'd run a mile eh?

SantasPelvicFloor · 27/12/2013 13:01

It's interesting that you see yourself as so passive in all this when you are actually allowing it to develop and in denial.

Rationalising based on your appearance and his 'not letting you slack off work wise' does sound like someone who needs approval but can't see that this bloke is without doubt using you to a) do more work and b) flatter his ego

You are worth more

I wouldn't aim for the confrontational 'back off' to your boss but would just cool it and be unavailable possibly needing to talk to boyf on the phone instead of lunch with him etc

Original poster
Stupidgirl75 · 27/12/2013 13:16

You're right I've got myself into a dangerous situation because I haven't taken control.

I would never want to be the cause of the kind of hurt I suffered because on my ex and the ow, never.

But I agree my confidence has been low because if the battering I received and I admit I enjoyed his company, and it is nice to know that someone actually values me and my opinion, thinks I'm funny and intelligent.

This is my weakness,I'm only 37 and although I'm no stunner I'm not exactly a dog either but somehow I don't think I'll ever meet anyone who would want me again. I just don't feel worthy, if I'm out with friends and a guy shows interest , firstly I honestly don't think they mean me and secondly I make some joke or other diversion as I don't think they could seriously fancy me.

OP posts:
HelloBear · 27/12/2013 13:21

Having read the whole thread I'm intrigued OP what are you going to do now???

If you are as committed to ending this as you suggest you need to make a plan and stick to it.

Original poster
Stupidgirl75 · 27/12/2013 13:22

I honestly always feel that a guy will see me as the ' friend' no a potential lover and so I honestly didn't think this would lead to this situation .

My boss is quite shy and can be awkward at times and I think he found my acceptance and laid back attitude refreshing , i suppose I saw this more as a supporting friendship ( we do have a lot in common and get on extremely well) it never occurred to me until recently that he might want more than that

OP posts:
HelloBear · 27/12/2013 13:24

I was like you in my thought process about myself...it only leads to relationships with losers (in my experience). It was not till I valued myself that I found someone who really loves me for who I am, warts and all.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/12/2013 13:24

StupidGirl75... I have a friend who was in your situation and she used to talk in a similar way. There the similarities end though as she was looking for validation in her thinking.

If I take some of the things you have said and apply my friend's motives to them they would read like this:

"we do have a lot in common and the conversation between us flows very easily, I do not want to be the OW: He and I have so much more in common than he and his wife.

^"I was advised to talk to him and tell him I only saw him as a colleague, but I was worried about his response and instead of taking control of the situation I've allowed myself to be pulled further in.: I don't want this to stop, he makes me feel like I've never felt before"

"I am too worried about the rumour mill, my colleagues have noticed that we are always laughing and joking...": I quite like being thought of as his favourite, it gives me power at work, I think. Whilst people think this they treat me with respect as they know I have 'his ear'.

"... my closest friend at work has said that I'm his golden girl and have him wrapped around my finger, but he certainly doesn't cut me any slack work wise in fact I think he expects more from me!": *He's not that interested in my work now, his attention is just on ME. He knows I can do my job standing on my head" Reality is that he daren't let work issues obviously be clouded; he doesn't want the affair to be public knowledge. Unlike head-in-the-clouds employee, he knows exactly what is at risk and he'll throw her to the wolves the minute it becomes necessary - although not before, obviously, why would he?

"I was hoping you would confirm say I was that I'm not imagining this and blowing things out of proportion but the general consensus seems to be that his intentions are not good and this is terribly exciting and thrilling and far, far more than harmless office banter."

You're looking to him for validation, OP and I think you've posted the 'highlights' in grand detail, presenting them in a way that you perceive excuses you (but it doesn't). You're NOT stupid, you're making conscious decisions here. He makes you feel good because your esteem is low. Leavenheath has nailed it, I think, with the "more special". That's what this is all about. Agree also with AnyFucker about the man-pleasing. It ties in particularly well with what you say about looking for a 'father figure' and that's very, very sad.

I think you know exactly what you're doing. My friend did too. This man will drop you so fast your head will spin and then you can look forward to the consequences. I'm sorry for you. You have the power to call a halt to it if you want to. You don't want to. I don't believe that you are as passively (un)involved in this as you are portraying. At least own what you're doing, OP, you'd gain perhaps a grudging respect.

Original poster
Stupidgirl75 · 27/12/2013 13:30

Lying, I do have low self esteem at the moment, and yes am probably looking to him for validation, I don't feel particularly attractive or worthy but I wouldn't want to have an affair with a married man either

OP posts:
Mishmashofstyles · 27/12/2013 13:31

Oh gosh am I totally naive? What if he just thinks you are the best worker and he wants to promote you so he is grooming you for a higher grade job?

Can't colleagues/men just be friendly?

Original poster
Stupidgirl75 · 27/12/2013 13:38

He hasn't discussed his marriage at any great length, we normally talk about work but he does tell me things I that he probably shouldn't in fact sometimes I have to say to him ' don't tell me anymore' as I don't want to be burdened with it.

It's mostly banter, jokes, stories etc but sometimes he has shared worries about his teenage children etc

OP posts:
Original poster
Stupidgirl75 · 27/12/2013 13:41

This week it seems to have intensified, ie he gave me personal number and text me to see if I got home ok, we had lunch in Monday were he was very worried about something at work and shared far tmi with me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stupidgirl75 · 27/12/2013 13:44

I see him as a possible friend at the most not a lover, I know I might be being thick here but as mishmash has said, could he just be appreciating me as a sounding board confidante and colleague, he trusts me I know that because of the information he shares with me.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/12/2013 13:44

You could stop it if you wanted to, OP. It really is as simple as that. If you don't, then that's because you don't want to.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/12/2013 13:46

I think you're behaving in a really silly manner. You're reading into his behaviour what you want to and are selecting the bits of posts here that accord with what 'feels nice'. You're in for a very hard fall.

horsetowater · 27/12/2013 13:46

When you are in a situation where you really don't know someone's intentions the best way to work out what the truth is to test it. I can see from your posts that you find men hard to read and this is a very ambiguous relationship - it may or may not be dodgy.

So think of something to call his bluff on, or ignore a few calls or interrupt a conversation telling him you 'have to go' or refuse one of the lunches. Consider what you will do with the responses before they happen. Consider what you will do if you find out that he has built your career only because he fancies you.

Leavenheath · 27/12/2013 13:59

Bosses who value their employees and take an interest in their career development do not give out their personal phone numbers and warn the employee not to text anything 'dodgy' in case their adult kids read it.

If he thought this was a purely professional relationship it wouldn't occur to him that you would be in the business of sending 'dodgy' texts.

I'm not buying this naivety.

But I think you want to hide behind it so you can say 'it wasn't me guv, I thought all good bosses acted like this'