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Original poster

Problem with my boss

199 replies

Stupidgirl75 · 25/12/2013 22:36

I posted about my situation a little while ago .... Shortened version...

'Im 37 my boss is 53, we have been working together (along with a small team) on a project for nearly a year. Background I was shat on by my partner of 10 years when he ran off with OW he wants to come back now but that's by the by.

I have a problem with my boss, firstly he is a married man yet ...

He has set me above my colleagues, I attend senior management meetings with him when my colleagues don't, we have non stop banter together laughing and joking, we work in a open plan office and he always seems to be looking over at me smiling, he confides in me about confidential things at work which are out of my remit sometimes personal things about my colleagues, we work late together, he tells me about his children and things going on in his life.

He told me one day that he dreamt that I was leaving and called me as he was worried it was a sign that I was, he told of me of the whole team I'm his number one, another team wanted me work for them and there was great pressure from senior management but he refused to let me go.

we went on a leaving do he was constantly smiling at me and when we ate sat next to me and talked to me all night ignoring everyone else, also at the bar he spoke to only me, so much so that my colleagues noticed. My close colleague says I'm his golden girl .A customer we work with has also picked up on it saying that I have a hold over him.''

Since then things have intensified, he tells me about issues he is facing a home, I've shared the mixed emotions I have about my ex and my struggle to move on. We have lunch together alone at least twice a week ( which we don't share with my colleagues), there's flirting but he has never ' come on to me' as such, he says I'm his favourite, that our outlooks are similar ,he fines me easy to talk to and we could be good friends, this week he has given me his personal mobile number and texted me to make sure I got home ok when the weather was bad this week.

Am I reading too much into this? Or does he fancy me? I might be overreacting here but he's a married man and although I enjoy his company and like him as a person appreciate his advice etc, after what I've been through with OW I wouldn't want to get involved anything remotely dodgy.....

Opinions appreciated thx you

OP posts:
Leavenheath · 27/12/2013 14:08

And when you describe your boss as shy etc. I believe you.

Because unlike some on here, I don't think all married men having affairs are players or dyed-in-the-wool cheats.

I think they are often very ordinary blokes who just like you, get into a froth just because a new woman enjoys their company.

Original poster
Stupidgirl75 · 27/12/2013 14:10

Leaven I think he said that because sometimes the banter we have can be quite informal using swear words etc, I'm sorry that you don't seem to believe how thick I am when it comes to men, I can assure you I truly am.

Is giving out his personal number that big a deal? ( again thick) he has had mine for ages for work purposes

OP posts:
Original poster
Stupidgirl75 · 27/12/2013 14:12

Leaven, that's a good point he is an insecure person I think, but tries to hide it at work, I certainly am.

OP posts:
horsetowater · 27/12/2013 14:19

Leaven I have met men like that, go a bit weird when talking to women, I blame single sex schools. I get on well with men and usually prefer their company at parties, but I always make sure everyone understands there is nothing funny going on and there is no mis-reading of intentions.

Leavenheath · 27/12/2013 14:21

Don't be daft. An 18 year old isn't going to be shocked by 'swear words'.

He meant 'don't sext me.'

An 18 year old would be put off by that.

This really isn't the big deal you're making it out to be.

He's just an ordinary bloke wetting his pants about a new woman appearing to be interested in everything he says.

You're just an ordinary woman wetting her knickers about a bloke who wants to get into them, but thinks he's only paying you attention for your witty conversation, dazzling work skills and your trustworthiness as an employee.

He fancies you. So what though? It's no big deal.

If you don't want this to become an affair, put a stop to it because I assure you that's all he's interested in, even if he's not being honest with himself yet.

You and I both know that you'd read this differently if he was a woman boss and if he was here, I'd be asking him would be be as interested in the career development of old Mavis aged 65 who works in accounts and has a wart on the end of her nose.

Meh...

fortyplus · 27/12/2013 14:34

Stupidgirl75 you're receiving very consistent advice here. You need to take some proactive steps to get your relationship with this man back onto a professional footing and stop kidding yourself that i's justifiable or normal.

Are you going to do that or are we all wasting our time?

horsetowater · 27/12/2013 14:51

I do hate it when people advise an an OP and then turn it against her if she doesn't take their advice and opinions.

SantasPelvicFloor · 27/12/2013 15:13

Well I guess you continue as you have and time will tell or you are proactive and stop the possibility of being the OW. Your call. I suspect you're not ready to do the second one

JoanRanger · 27/12/2013 15:39

It's not just a river in Egypt, OP.

Fairenuff · 27/12/2013 16:02

OP you said that you felt you couldn't put a stop to the flirtation because he might make things difficult for you at work.

So you do acknowledge that this is not just a normal friendship/colleague relationship.

You are implying that you feel coerced into continuing with this relationship against your will for fear of retribution. If that is true, you should make plans to discreetly extricate yourself as soon as you can, without making it too obvious.

Someone upthread had an excellent suggestion. It's time to invent the imaginary boyfriend.

Give him a name and a career that takes him away a lot, but also means he can be available at odd times (for your convenience). Start by mentioning him, drop him into the conversation now and again and then, once he is established, a bit more frequently.

After a while, he will be the perfect excuse to avoid those lunches, banter and intimate chats. Once you are safely out of this inappropriate relationship, and enough time has passed, your 'boyfriend' can fizzle out as not the one for you after all. Easy.

What do you think?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 27/12/2013 16:07

All it took was one other naive poster to say what you have been wanting to hear all along and suddenly you are right back into denial

Very transparent, op

Yes, we are all wasting our time

Original poster
Stupidgirl75 · 27/12/2013 16:41

You're not honestly, I need this encouragement it will stiffen my resolve

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 27/12/2013 16:56

Resolve to do what ?

What are you planning to do, other than hand wring about how you are insecure and he is insecure and blah blah blah ...

Lavenderhoney · 27/12/2013 16:58

Stiffen your resolve? So you are tempted then.

He's after a shag. Ignore all further texts even NYE ones and when you get back to work sort out your cv, look to move internally and arrange a few lunches with your co workers. Get busy lunchtimes - chores, errands, and stop attending meetings if there is no need for you to go. Its unprofessional. His boss has probably noticed too, you won't be the only one with special friends.

And all this guff about he couldn't fancy me, he's just being friendly. If you say that to your colleagues they must be quite offended you think they are that stupid. Bridges to be built there.

Write yourself a glowing reference letter dated jan 2014 and ask him to sign it as you have had a job offer. If he is anything other than thrilled you might be bettering yourself he's a knob. I expect you might even get a pay rise out of him, as he panics he hasn't got his leg over yet.

You aren't the first either, I expect. He probably enjoys the chase more than the actual affair.

Original poster
Stupidgirl75 · 27/12/2013 17:12

I'm not tempted at all, I meant my resolve to tell him that it's become an inappropriate friendship, and it must stop.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 27/12/2013 17:15

Oh, you're not going with the imaginary boyfriend scenario then?

< disappointed > Sad

horsetowater · 27/12/2013 17:20

it sounds as though someone here was hurt by an other woman in the past. This is not your fault OP.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 27/12/2013 17:23

What, horsetowater ?

All these women on this thread (bar you and one other) have been hurt by OW in the past ?

Don't be ridiculous. At least own your own obvious agenda.

horsetowater · 27/12/2013 17:37

I have no agenda, I just see someone who is a bit self-doubting being leched at by their boss, wondering what's going on, asking a bunch of adult grown women for advice and them getting all snippy and defensive when she doesn't go 'oh yes he must be an old letch of course'.

Try and be a bit gentle if it's at all possible. This is not HER fault.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 27/12/2013 17:39

People are being perfectly gentle. let them do it their own way, within talk guidelines. You are not in charge here.

Abbykins1 · 27/12/2013 17:47

I think you should play a longer game and cool things very very slowly,almost imperceptibly so if he was trying to get in your pants he will slowly realise, it ain’t gonna happen and come to terms with it in his own way.
It’s easy for people to say get another job,but jobs aren’t that easy to come by.

If you are as valuable to him as he says the he will want to hang on to you regardless of any personal motives.

Leavenheath · 27/12/2013 17:55

I don't think he's 'an old letch'.

I said he was probably just an ordinary bloke who's never had an affair before and has got over-excited when a woman at work seemed interested in what he had to say.

IMO, blokes like that are 10 times more likely to be encountered in the workplace than the Creepy, Letchy Bosses of folklore.

And the OP is the sort of daft, impressionable and self-deluding woman that a MM is 10 times more likely to encounter at work than the Predatory, Scarlet-lipped Temptress of OW folklore.

horsetowater · 27/12/2013 18:00

I didn't mean you Leaven, I was agreeing with you entirely, some men just misread women.

Which is why at work you make sure things are very very clear.

Fairenuff · 27/12/2013 18:02

It's not HER fault that she is, in fact, becoming the ow she claims not to want to be? That, despite knowing this, she is dragging her heels on ending it?

If it's not her fault, who's is it? She is the only one responsible for her own decisions. She is the only one who chooses where to go, when, and the company she keeps. She is the only one who decides what to say.

I manage to get through my working day without flirty banter, special lunches and secret texting with my boss. It's not that hard really, thousands of us do it every day.

OP has wasted enough time trying to abdicate responsibility without others joining in with the 'not her fault'. She is an adult, give her some credit.

horsetowater · 27/12/2013 18:07

OP isn't responsible for wasting your time.