Does the OW ever win the married man?

[Mintymoomoo]

Ok so just a question, me and my friends had along convo about this.

Seems that the general view on this is that the other women never get the married man, the man just has the affair because he can and never intends to leave the wife..... I always used to think that to but after reading on here I'm not so sure, seems to be lots of women who have been left for the OW!

What you all think

What a mess jaceybee! You do know that she probably couldn't leave him if she wanted to because of their culture?! The poor woman is stuck and probably does know it's ongoing.

You deserve a lot better. I hope you're not allowing the chance to have children to pass you by whilst you waste your time with him.

That poor wife :(

Redundant, life is never as black and white as some would paint it is it.

Hope you feel better soon.

Um my dm did. But dad was really separated (by the length of the country) Mum was cited as co respondent (found out after her death) Dm and dd were really the loves of each other's lives. First wife was a right cow (even her daughter said so)

I think she could leave him, it would be difficult but I think if people around them know what he has done she would be supported. She probably won't though.

Yeah it is a mess. But it has been 2 years and I have come to a place of acceptance, it is what it is. He doesn't make empty promises. It has been a huge emotional rollercoaster, with his wife finding out, us breaking it off and getting back together a few times, loads of pain and drama. The worst time was when he told me he was gonna leave her. It came out of the blue and he seemed really convinced. For about a week I was so happy! But he wanted to talk to his mum first, almost ask her if he was 'allowed'. I think he'd convinced himself that she might just tell him to follow his heart and be happy. But of course she didn't, she went nuts and said he had to stay with his wife and family. So that was that.

Since we got back 'together' this time, we no longer talk about whether we can be together properly as we both know it isn't going to happen. I am a very happy single parent, I'm certainly not settling for this because I need a man! I also see other people casually, which he knows about. He doesn't like it but knows he doesn't have the right not to like it iyswim. I'm not putting my life on hold for him. But I can't ever imagine finding anyone else I could love even half as much as I do him.

My DH had an affair ... He thought he wanted her (he also thought that I didn't want him - very much not the case we were going through a very bad patch ).

He moved out, applied to transfer his job to where she is ...

When he got the job he realised big time that he had made a moohoosive mistake.

He left her ... We lived apart for a few months because we had a lot to work through ...and he has just moved back in today.

So no, these family wreckers fortunately don't always succeed!

That's how my aunt and uncle got together (sad but true). They were seeing each other before he got married and he wanted to marry but aunt but she wasn't ready for marriage so they broke up. He then had a relationship with his ex wife and got her pregnant, so they got married and ended up having 2 DDs. Then he and my aunt started their affair. I guess his ex found and out left him. Then after a few years, he married my aunt and they have been together for about 20 years, one DD, seem to be happily married. There are so many different circumstances, anything can happen.

Jaceybee- he sounds awful. Sorry but he does. He's having his cake and eating it.

The bit about you being so happy the week you thought he was leaving her made my heart sink. Think how she's have felt if he'd left her. Your happiness would've been at her expense.

I know life isn't black and white but I just would t want to be involved in causing someone else such absolute misery.

Yes.

They do.

In my case yes.
My exH did end up with OW
And they are now living happily ever after as far as I am concerned.

He's really not awful. His behaviour is shitty, as is mine but we are not awful people. Yes he is having his cake and eating it though I guess. Although I wouldn't want to be in his shoes, I'm the one who has it easier in many ways.

Lets removes some excuses, what do we get?

He is everything I ever wanted in a partner........He cheats and lies over and over. Also, he can be weak and cowardly. He's not happy with his wife but isn't willing to go through a divorce. A lot of that is about him not wanting to upset his mother who would be devastated and probably disown him. His whole community would turn against him and he isn't strong enough (or doesn't want to enough) to go through it all to be with me.

Personally, I think that you and his wife deserve better than that, and I am sorry that you dont see it.

Jaceybee- I didn't say you were awful! I said he's awful. He's kept you dangling. He's betraying his wife and humiliating her because his mum knows, she knows, the whole family probably know.

His behaviour is shitty and he's carrying on. That makes him a shitty person.

I actually think you and his wife are victims. The only difference being you have a choice. I really don't think she would have much of one. I don't think she could leave with her head held high. If he can't divorce her, do you think she could divorce him for adultery?? Really? I think it's naive if you think she could.

Yes - my friend's dh did. But he was an abusive misogynist who was an incredibly attractive 'charmer' at the beginning of their relationship.

More fool the OW in my opinion... she had NO idea what she's let herself in for. Yet.

It's like watching Trinny/Saatchi.

She certainly does bogeyface. She is the only one of the 3 of us who is blameless. To be fair, he doesn't talk about her badly to try and justify his cheating or anything. For me, I understand what I'm involved in and it's my own stupid fault if I make the choices I do, you know?

I think she could divorce him. This is the uk, we don't have sharia law. Her sisters are both divorced, although I think their marriages were really terrible. But she probably won't and that's her choice.

Not really been that way the whole time though jaceybee- he was promising to leave for you. You thought you had a future. He was probably lying through his teeth and never had any intention of doing so. Now, yes, you know what you're involved in.

obviously worked for Camilla and Charles.
Of course it does happen - usuall only in those cases when the marriage was in trouble for along time and husnand and wife had no intimate relationship for few yrs. Then he may leave once he finds someone compatible. But if it was impulsive affair in otherwise happy marriage, or at least normal marriage with ups and downs - rarely works for H and OW as then it IS escapism from real life/relationships.

Sorry- you're naive. Actually in parts if the uk the Muslim communities do run sharia courts and deal with their own cases!! Within the Somalian community it has been a problem because it has been known that rape has even been dealt with this way.

It differs obviously from community and from families but you don't know what her family would make of it.

Jaycee

How do you see your future? Does he figure in it? How long will you wait for him?

He never actually said that he would leave 'for me'. He said he was going to leave and try and live with his mum for a bit. I would see him leaving his wife because they're unhappy and him getting together with me as two separate things almost. I would never have encouraged him to come straight to my door! But it's all irrelevant now anyway coz he isn't going anywhere.

I am not an expert on sharia law or Islam in the uk but I wouldn't say I was naive.

Yes the unfortunate OW does often end up with the MM. One of my oldest friends took her MM on - after 20 years, she is the breadwinner with vast bills to pay for the first wife, who still doesn't work, and has to support her 2 DCs, and 3 SDCs to boot as neither parent does. MM starts 'boutique businesses', enough said.

I do feel that sometimes society's idea that the first marriage is sacred, while understandable, is not always that helpful to those who marry again.

I'm not an expert either but work within an Asian (Muslim faith) community. There are a couple of women I know vert well (wirk colleagues) stuck in very unhappy marriages because they would not be able to leave for 'shame'. The unhappy marriages are unhappy because they're with abusive twats.

Anyway- digressing slightly...I hope you meet somebody who wants to be with you full time one day. It's be a shame if you wasted too much time over somebody else's husband. You sound so self aware and emotionally intelligent. Just a hunch but I think you and his wife are prob too good for the lying cheat!

Not OW, but I met my DP when I was with my ex. We were living together, but very young. This doesn't excuse my behaviour at all, but basically after first snog (we'd chatted online a few times, but on public channels, nothing dodgy and met a few times with friends) I 'fessed up.

I felt horrendous, knew I was giving up 'a sure thing' for something unknown, but equally knew deep down I wasn't happy.

We split, DP and I are still together 11 years on and exDP is happily married. Oddly we're all still friends, perhaps because we were so young and no DC involved. I wouldn't recommend it and still feel guilty even though I confessed long before anything got sexual.

I'd say for me - I'm not a 'leopard never changes etc. cheater' in that, I would never want to go through or put a partner through that again. I wasn't fulfilled, but it took meeting DP to make me realise that and once that happened I was willing to take the risk. This is obviously more complicated if you have heavily entwined finances and DC, which we didn't. I was also fairly young and have been with ex since before age 18, so I'm not sure I knew what a relationship should be.

These aren't excuses, I still acted like an ass, but I think if I felt the way I did then now, I would recognise it and act on it and act a lot earlier. Fortunately I still adore DP even though he is the single untidiest man I've ever met

Point being, for me, there was never any chance of casual sex backed up by promises. But that's me. Sadly I know plenty of others (friends and colleagues included) for whom that is de rigeur. I'd say the chances of happily ever after are slim - we were in our early 20s, with no 'real' commitments beyond our word. Kids, age, mortgages, marriage changes the picture somewhat, even if the guy really loves her.

There must be situations where the OW eventually gets the man. Are you asking because you are an OW, btw? Because there's no definitive answer anyway.

I have a friend I avoid as much as I can now. She is the OW. She's been with the guy for around 12 years now. Whilst I disapprove, I wont moralise about it to her. I avoid her because she's become a bitter, moany cow, really unpleasant to be around. This man had a LTR when he met my friend, subsequently married his partner (he HAD to, you see, theyd been together for so long he couldnt let her down so would do 5 years, then leave DW for my friend ). Of course, he didnt leave DW and after years of ranting on about not seeing him at christmas & other holidays, her birthday, not having him around often enough for her liking, she has descended into a bitter mess that she expects all of us (friends) to listen to constantly. She is also sarcastic & jumps on any comment you make anyway...even if its not about her affair. She's changed for the worse.

So as said..theres no definitive answer..and no 'gain' in hooking a cheat anyway, whoever thinks thats a prize then they dont want much for themselves, do they

I'm another person who thinks 'win' is a really bad description - I think when there's an affair there are no winners, just shock and pain. Saying that yes, sometimes OW 'wins' sometimes not.

My dearest friend had a habit of only dating 'unavailable' men ( I always struggled with it as was married myself ). One was undergoing fertility/ IVF treatment with his wife. My friend got pregnant. She finished the 'relationship' immediately . The MM was desperate to leave his wife for her- she said no way.
She has now been together with her current partner for nearly 15 yrs and they are very happy. He left his wife to be with her, they both have children and all of them live blended with her and him . All very happy.

For myself, she was a huge help when my dh had his affair. She could give me the perspective of an OW. I think she was hugely shocked, witnessing the carnage of how a betrayed wife felt though.

In my case the OW did intend to win. The affair had been going on for a while. I was totally ignorant of it. Our marriage was awful as I was 'coping- not really' with a huge trauma that was unrelated and totally wrapped up in that.
On Revelation day , they both took the day off work to make plans; OW had booked the week off for my dh to move in. She was hugely attractive, over a decade younger than me and a trust fund baby . If you viewed it as a 'competition ' she was confident enough that when she told my dh she would not be his mistress and he had to tell me and leave me . That's what would happen.

He did tell me that night, I told him if he wanted to go - then go. The door was open, I wasn't prepared to 'fight' for him in a competition I had been unaware that been going on. I also told him that when I married him he had standards and morals better than someone who would cheat on their partner, if his standards had slipped to those levels that found it acceptable and his OW found that attractive - they deserved each other. And he was no longer the man I thought he was.

I also told him that whatever she had, however she looked and behaved I was just happy to know I had better morals than her.

For us, that was nearly 2 years ago. We are still together. Who won? Nobody.
OW lost a job she loved,a man she loved and a whole future ahead that looked rosy.
Me, I have grown , I'm more confident and happier than for years but will always know Dh had an affair, that innocence has flown.
Him, lives with the guilt of the pain he caused everyday. The ' work ' he has put in is huge - but he can never turn the clock back and change what he did....

No winners, just survivors.