Does the OW ever win the married man?

[Mintymoomoo]

Ok so just a question, me and my friends had along convo about this.

Seems that the general view on this is that the other women never get the married man, the man just has the affair because he can and never intends to leave the wife..... I always used to think that to but after reading on here I'm not so sure, seems to be lots of women who have been left for the OW!

What you all think

[HowAboutNo]

What a post pausingforbreath. Very inspiring x

[FloWhite]

Very moving too. Thank you.

[nkf]

My ex is now married to the other woman. And apparently happy as Larry. Did she win? Did he? Did I? It's not a game is it? I'm certainly happier than I was with him and the kids seem fine with the situation, so I guess the worst didn't happen and we all seem to have come through relatively unscathed.

I know a woman who always seemed to go out with married men. Most stayed with their wives. The last one she went out with she married. Did she win? Dunno really. Just finally got married, I think.

[stooshe]

All the men and women that I know that have gone off (usually by being kicked out, or left) to the "other" partner are serial cheats. I know that a lot of people on here a bit concerned with the OP's term "winning", but a cousin of mine, always caught up with some poor woman's other half DOES see it as a competition. She carries on about her "superior" looks and this part of her personality carries over to real life (she'll dig out a woman who is not the partner of the man she is presently having "relations" with).
I know of (but not in my life) about people who cheat and find compatibility with the OW/OM. I wish that this phenomena was more prevalent in my social/familial circle. It would at least seem that amongst the debris of shattered lives, something rose from the ashes. This is why I have the opinion that some cheats are looking for love/compatibility and some cheats are looking for salve and convenience and will spin any old line and any disrespect from the "other" towards the "official" partner and the children. It's these loose lipped (usually) other women who I can't fathom. Who would want a man who allows a stray female to slag off his kids? Why would the "other" female not think that Mr. Cheater wouldn't hold this violation (even if he encouraged it) in his arsenal of future things to throw in her face?
It's probably best to remember that most people only show the good side of their relationships (no matter how it started) to people and that being in a relationship does not really indicate much about the souls of the two people involved

[stooshe]

Redundantandbitter. Chin up, love. I think that you were with one of those 'easy to get along with, can ease into any situation" type fellas, who have some "darkness' going on. The 'getting with somebody who he knew in a previous life" is the red flag. Don't beat yourself up, be "grateful". He's a player, not a stayer and a right long term charmer, too.

[mmmmtoffee]

I found out that exP was cheating when we were together.

she doesnt know him and as I had to run from him. I believe I am the winner. Unfortunately she will most likely find out the truth about how controlling and dangerous he is, hes currently playing the "poor me, ex gf is keeping my kids away and wont let me see them" card. but the truth is he was abysive to them and thought nothing of throwing a 3week old baby in her cot, and bruising a 5year old hand and arm by,smacking her. I just hope the ow find out the truth before the child getting hit is her child.

[Wolfiefan]

"Win?"
If he's sleeping around he's not much of a prize is he?!

[FolkGirl]

It depends.

Sometimes people marry the wrong person, sometimes they grow apart, sometimes so much shit has happened within the marriage that was neither of their faults that there is just too much water under the bridge.

My dad had an affair. It was a true love affair - he was much better suited to the OW than he ever was to my mother. When he lived at home with us he was an aggressive bully of whom I was terrified. He married the OW, had two more children and they were very happy (despite illness) for longer than my parents were together. My brother and I never had an issue with our parents splitting up, but we didn't respect him for the affair or the way he behaved around that time.

My husband had an affair. We were no longer compatible. We hadn't been happy for a very long time. He had also become bullying and aggressive. He had an affair, I found out and kicked him out. He is still seeing the OW but he has lost the respect of his friends and family. He says he feels the need to try and make it work with her in order to "salvage" something of the mess. No one expected him to stay in a marriage he wasn't happy in (tbf one of us should probably have ended it years ago) but it was the having an affair that lost him the respect.

An affair isn't the right way to go about it, but sometimes you marry the person you think was 'the one' and then years down the line meet someone and everything just falls into place.

We are only here once and life is too short. If you meet the person you were 'meant' to be with after you marry, then the least you can do is behave as decently as possible. But I wouldn't ever want to deny someone true love. I certainly wouldn't want someone to stay with me out of obligation if they desperately loved someone else.

[blondiegonemad]

I know I'll probably get slaughtered for this, but I did. And I wouldn't shy away from the term "win" either. I did put up a fight for my DP but it was what I call a silent fight - I never encouraged him to leave home, I never asked him to, I never demanded anything, I never said a word about his ex, I never expected to be put first. In fact it was more a fight with my own dreams and wishes which had to be tamed so as not to interfere with his legitimate life. And I waited and hoped that one day he'll be all mine.
It is very easy to blame the OW but sometimes things just happen, marriages are unhappy, partners are unhappy, women are young and carefree and looking for a bit of fun, feelings escalate, people get attached, then there's the passion and the adrenaline of an affair and then one day you wake up and you realise you love him.

[redundantandbitter]

Same here blondie - I was so
Fucking supportive and constant I laugh at myself now.

Good luck with your man. Word of warming - my Exp upped and left me (after 4 yrs) faster than you can 'spiritual yoga lady'.

[blondiegonemad]

Thank you redundant. Well it did come to bite me in the ass in numerous ways although I trust him 100% in regards to women. But I believe that when you start as an OW, even after the relationship with his then partner/wife ends and he is yours, it takes a lot of time to assert yourself as his genuine other half, to overcome not so much other people's looks and hints as your own confidence issues and your guilt.
I know it did for me and even now I sometimes feel he doesn't stand up enough for me (for instance when his ex wife is mentioned by his relatives at the Xmas lunch in my presence which I find rude) or that he takes me for granted purely because I allowed him to slip in bed with me with his wedding ring on (literally or not) so he sort of thinks if I put up with that, what could possibly make me leave him. Or it might just be my paranoia.
I think being as you say supportive might help to diminish the guilt and my point was not all OWs are gold diggers or easy women or God knows what.

[redundantandbitter]

I think you know, by what you posted, that you were too easy (not trying to be mean, I was too - been there done that). So, yes they expect you to put up and shut up and take the back seat. I used to joke that I was never his No 1. After dd1,dd2,EXW,dog then me. Fifth.

Isn't it better to be your own No1 than someone's else's 3rd, 4th ,5th?

[tessa6]

how are things now, blondie? Genuine question.

[blondiegonemad]

Oh yes I do know. We have a dog and he is my little baby so I don't mind that but no DC. However he has a DS and DD with his ex wife whom I see once a month and get on really well with. Surprisingly I don't feel I'm being placed behind his kids and definitely not behind his ex; in fact I'm confident I am his No1 and whilst he might expect me to put up with their demands I'm pretty sure he doesn't expect me to shut up as well. Only I met him when I was really young (21) and let's just say I have spent my 20s having unnecessary worries, providing for children I did not create and growing up too early and too abrupt for my liking. So as you can see there is a bit of frustration there and I think most ex OWs will share that.

[5HundredUsernamesLater]

Blondie
I'm sorry but I find your ideas on what is socially acceptable hilarious.
It's ok to sleep with another woman's husband but rude for someone to mention her name in front of you???

[tessa6]

wow, you sound really together and like you've gone through a lot. That is young to go through that, but sounds like you are happy which is good.

[Flopsygrowsup]

Yes - neither DH or I are proud of the fact he was mm when we met but we have been together for 15 years and v happy with DC.

[blondiegonemad]

Thanks tessa6 - things are good now, he is my soul mate and I wouldn't change him for the world although sometimes I would like to punch him but don't we all?
We have been through hell and back, from his ex wife not letting him see his DC to my conservative parents throwing really heavy words at me (we're all a big happy family now), from a bedsit to a nice house and from taking a pay day loan in the run up to one Christmas so we can satisfy the financial demands of his ex wife to now having our own business and starting another one in March next year. I am proud of what we achieved together and before we sort of went public I decided not to see him for a whole year because I wanted to make sure that it was what he really wanted, even though he was already separated from his wife. We literally said goodbye on Sept 28th and then I moved in with him on Sept 28th the following year after only seeing each other once in August for a couple of hours. He sent me these long emails every single day and finally I relented and we ended up an item but he has left absolutely everything with his ex so we literally had to start from zero; well more likely from minus. It all sounds very romantic but now it's training bottoms, pyjama tops and spaghetti bowl on the sofa in front of the telly. I think that's my biggest worry - becoming too boring, too comfortable, too like his marriage. But then I do think that what we have is once in a lifetime so that is why I am saying that although you might be an OW, that doesn't make you this horrible little worm that we all have to spit on. As melodramatic as this sounds, sometimes it is genuinely love.

[RedchairBluechair]

Male perspective here.
My partner had an affair with an old flame. He lied his head off to both her and to his wife, and until recently still has -saying he wanted to be with my ex but also with his wife. He fell out with both.
The wife lost patience, and has a divorce under way.
The wife is quietly getting her head together and getting on with life by herself. She and I have become friends, and are mutually supportive.
We are all 4 older than what is probably the MN average.
3 of us are all on the same dating website. My ex complains that all that is available to her are men who are too old for her and who want much younger women anyway. The other man is dating older women who seem grateful for whatever comes their way and sleep with him despite the fact that he is a turd. I am dating women in my age group and find that there are lots of lovely women out there who just like to be treated with respect.
There has to be an obvious moral in it all. It is just so sad that the two of them pretty much ruined our 4 lives for many months.

[blondiegonemad]

5HundredUsernamesLater

I never said it is OK to sleep with another woman's husband, quite the opposite.
But I do not think it is acceptable for his relatives to come around MY house for Christmas dinner and casually mention how lovely his and his ex wife's wedding was - out of the blue and purely just to piss me off.

[nkf]

Jesus, I always kind of suspected it was pretty grim being the other woman even if you did "win" the man, but now I'm sure of it.

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

For the record, I never feel like punching my husband, and I never have to wonder where I am in his pecking order.

It's not "normal" to feel like that, no matter how you started off

[nkf]

The strangest part of your post, Blondie, is the bit where you say, "It all sounds romantic..." Actually, it doesn't sound romantic at all. It sounds awful. A really awful way to spend your twenties. Why do you imagine for one minute it sounds romantic?

[bringoutthepringles]

If he does go off with his OW, it's usually not long before he has another OW on the go. What goes around, come around.

[sarajane231]

If I was married and started fancying someone else then I would talk to my husband and see if we could work through it.

Id never, ever have an affair.

Anyone who would is not someone I would ever be with, so the OW has always lost.

What she has "won" is a liar with no commitment, loyalty or love in him.