Does the OW ever win the married man?

[Mintymoomoo]

Ok so just a question, me and my friends had along convo about this.

Seems that the general view on this is that the other women never get the married man, the man just has the affair because he can and never intends to leave the wife..... I always used to think that to but after reading on here I'm not so sure, seems to be lots of women who have been left for the OW!

What you all think

[bringoutthepringles]

Even if OW does "win" the man, the relationship will always have a stink about it.

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

nkf it was Malcolm's thread (if you have seen it) but the moment has passed now anyway, but thanks

[justtoomessy]

The OW in my marriage is now my ex's wife so yes. Again he lost his child but only because he can't be arsed to see him and she doesn't want children so no way does she want a lively 4 year old around.

She's welcome to the lying cheating arse and she is his 3rd wife!

[BeCool]

My step-mum "won" her married man. Got it all. Until 23 years later when it all went hugely tits up in most destructive way. And then for years after she rue the day she met him.

[voddiekeepsmesane]

I do find this "unhappy in a marriage" shite of an excuse. I was unhappy in my marriage ...so I LEFT...then had another relationship, not the other way around. If you are that unhappy then leave, and if the married man is THAT unhappy he would leave his wife/partner. People who have affairs want the excitement of sneaking around and the security of home life. In other words they are selfish!

[nkf]

AnyFucker, if you think it might help someoen, you are welcome to cut and paste my reply on another thread? Which one?

Itwillgetbetter, actually your name is right. It will get better. It does. And Hermione too. Maybe not soon, but in time. In my experience, you have to make it happen though. Time helps but I had to consciously decide not to be bitter and not to go on and on about it to friends. And to list all the good things about my life. But, it will get better.

[itwillgetbettersoon]

Agree with you Hermione. That is exactly how I feel. A sense of bewilderment. Our lives changed so quickly and cruely. I will never forgive him for that. I do look at him now and think I ignored a lot of his nasty impatient behaviours.

Not sure if I will ever trust someone again. Infact I've gone off men at the moment. Hopefully this will change one day when I'm ready.

[hermionepotter]

it makes sense bogey thanks yes I think that's right. He has apologised since and I think must sometimes be about why he threw so much away for nothing really, but it's just a sad situation all round, I want him to move on now as we all have to (I did give him a chance at the time but he was still seeing OW behind my back) He didn't end up with OW

I look back on it with a sense of bewilderment and great loss and sorrow. I wonder if I could've done things different but it really doesn't help that I didn't know what was actually going on so I think I constantly felt for a long time

It does affect my ability to trust in romantic relationships now too although I know rationally any relationships are a leap of faith

[Bogeyface]

That doesnt read terribly well does it?! :o I hope you get my meaning!

[Bogeyface]

Hermione

He acts like that because he has to believe everything he is saying, that it is all your fault that he cheated, that if you were nicer/kinder/sexier/less lazy blah blah then he wouldnt have cheated. In order for that to be true, he needs to treat you as if you were not all the things he said you needed to be, that then gives him free rein to treat you like shit. If he doesnt treat you like shit then that means you are actually a nice, kind sexy non lazy person, and he cant justify what he did.

And the fact that every day he has to look in a mirror and see a lying cheating sleaze who threw his marriage away for a shag.

[hermionepotter]

so yes I think it's fair to say no-one is a winner in this situation and it's a bizarre turn of phrase IMO OP

[hermionepotter]

I'm nodding along to so much of this especially itwillgetbettersoon posts - it's not the affair itself that hurts so much (and that hurts a lot) as the feeling you've been well and truly shat on from a great height by the person you thought you were closest to.

I still can't decide (and I'm years on) whether the shitty behaviour (distant/cruel and so on as you describe) of my ex was the real him and this was always his behaviour (and he's often been a git since) or whether the bit I seem to remember from earlier years was real. In that sense I feel like he's shat on the entire marriage - I don't want to feel that way as I want to remember the good bits now, for the sake of my dcs

[Varya]

No not usually, although OW snared my married Dad and left my late mother heartbroken. :- (

[itwillgetbettersoon]

Lweje - I agree the change for the person having the affair isn't sudden. And in truth it isn't sudden for the wife or husband as deep down they know something isn't right but can't just pin point it. Their partners are distant, cruel, male no effort in the relationship etc. but the link isn't obvious until it happens.

I just wish my STBXH had spoken to me, then left to live on his own for a while then moved in with ow. It would have been easier for our kids, my parents and his parents to handle and pick ourselves up from. But ultimately he is a coward.

[Lweji]

The sudden change is only in your perspective (of the person being cheated on). For the other person it is more gradual if they fall in love, probably, but at some point they had to make the choice to cheat, at least physically, and to keep the lie. Or to make the choice to keep the meetings and contact with the other person from their partner.

I also don't agree that people should leave for another someone else. Ideally, the marriage should be dealt with first, even if the partner happened to fall in love first. But, for me, there are degrees of "wrongness". The worst being just cheating with no intention of leaving.

[itwillgetbettersoon]

If the marriage isn't right both parties should discuss it and make some decisions either way. Both parties should be able to treat each other with respect.

An affair allows one party to control the other and treat them like shit. That is the bit I don't understand. One weekend you think you are married to your soul mate the nxt weekend you find out that they have lied and treated you like a bit of dirt on their shoes. How does that change happen?

[Bogeyface]

Lweji I totally agree about leaving if you choose, we all have the right to decide who we want to be in a relationship and to end it too. I was just saying that abusive relationships do change it for me. I am not at all forgiving of infidelity, in any form but that said, I can see how say a woman who is being physically abused may not feel safe leaving unless she leaves to be with a man who she feels can help protect her and her children. It doesnt make it right, but I do understand why she would do that.

[Lweji]

I never said it was justifiable. The person leaving the relationship for another relationship, having cheated, is still a cheater and someone I wouldn't respect. Or want to have a relationship with.
But everyone is entitled to leave a relationship, having worked on it, or not.

[Bogeyface]

Lweji

Abusive relationships are not really in question here though are they? I think we would all agree that being abused changes the game totally, and therefore even I wouldnt condemn an abused person for seeking some love and support elsewhere in order to allow them to leave. My only concern would be whether they were jumping from the frying pan into the fire.

The affairs being discussed here are where one partner checks out of a marriage without giving the other partner a chance to fix things, or to make a joint decision. I was so angry that H made unilateral decisions about our marriage without even letting me know, never mind discussing it with me. I had no idea that I was not in a faithful, truthful and monogamous marriage, but he did.

[Lweji]

No, it doesn't justify it, Pringles. But some people won't address the issues in the marriage nor leave until they know they'll be with someone else. Sometimes the other person may be a trigger to realise there are issues with the marriage.

Sometimes it may happen to people in abusive relationships, who may only find the strength to leave when supported by someone else.

[itwillgetbettersoon]

Nkf - brilliant reply and I totally agree with you. My STBXH would never have left me and the kids for the OW until she offered to come and pick him up one Sunday afternoon! That made his decision easier and stopped the tooing and froing he had done for weeks and I had allowed as I couldn't see beyond the kids.

Has the ow won? She is 27 and he is 47 - no I don't think she has. She has won a middle aged man with two young kids that he is going to have to financially support for at least another ten years ( to give him credit he is happy to give his kids all of his money) half a piss poor pension and some bloody awful ILs. And me? I'm getting happier by the day as I see what a miserable controlling selfish sod he is!

[bringoutthepringles]

In my view, an unhappy marriage does not justify an affair. What happened to "my word is my bond"? You either try to fix the relationship (and it takes two to do that) or if all else fails, end it. Only once it has ended (and both parties have acknowledged this, either by agreement or a divorce) should they move on.

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

nkf, could I have your persmission to paste your reply on another thread please ?

[nkf]

In my case, the OW did me a favour. The pain of the affair was dreadful and my ex was a spiteful shit. I wanted out but he didn't want to leave, didn't want to end things. Kept lying and promising. And guilt tripping me using my love for the children as a weapon.

Personally, I think it was only when he was sure that the OW would have him for good that he went. If it hadn't been for her, he'd still be here, moaning and sulking and punching doors and threatening me.

Did the OW win in this situation? Apparently they are happy but is that a win? If it is, I won too because I'm much happier. And I think the children no longer witness disgusting things. So, I guess they win too. It still seems a childish way to look at divorce though.

[comingintomyown]

I agree and I know he found it hard to leave because he was unhappy and actually said to me he was no good on his own hence why when OW presented herself up he jumped on that life raft sharpish