Does the OW ever win the married man?

[Mintymoomoo]

Ok so just a question, me and my friends had along convo about this.

Seems that the general view on this is that the other women never get the married man, the man just has the affair because he can and never intends to leave the wife..... I always used to think that to but after reading on here I'm not so sure, seems to be lots of women who have been left for the OW!

What you all think

as opposed to say, just leaving the partner and having the new relationship

I was the OW. Fell for the speil of what a bitch his wife was (lots of examples were often given to me) I stupidly believed him.

After 14 years together he did the same to me. I read the emails and he almost immediately it was like going back in time. I was getting exactly the same character assassination as he'd laid at the door of his first wife. I was 11 years younger than him. The new OW was his age, after 6 weeks of living together she saw sense and left.

The best thing is that one of the people that helped me through was wife No 1. We both realised it wasn't us, it was him. I was never proud of what I had done but fell for the whole narcissitic story hook, line and sinker.

To be honest, going off with someonbe else was the best thing he ever did for me (and I suspect his FW). We are both a lot happier than he is I know that.

Oh glamourous...what a way with words you have. You're not surprised people are alone?? There are people on this thread that have been left pregnant or with newborns but you don't understand their bitterness? It's people like you I don't understand! I'll have what I want out of life and other people can deal with it!

Tbh I have two friends whose parents split up due to affairs. This was while we were at school 20 odd years ago so have had time to see how it panned out. One mate had her mum leave for her stepdad. They had a miserable life- he was very controlling and tbh boring. Her dad however, remarried and got into sailing, travelling and generally have had a happy life. The other couple both remarried too, the sad who cheated didn't settle with the ow though and although remarried she's not a patch on his first wife- in any respect. He lost out!

I know it's been commented on but I must add that the word 'won' couldn't be further than the truth...

I don't like all this talk of OW, sometimes its OM, its not always women who are the wronged ones.

Mil was having an affair, no idea how long for, then her poor dh died leaving her free to go off with OM (who was at least single himself). She got to alleviate her guilt by unloading on her kids 3 days after they witnessed their DF die, her new DH got ill and she proved to be selfish and unsupportive and he left her. Her two children are not very close to her at all, unsurprisingly and she is going to be a lonely person. Affairs rarely turn out for the best.

My husband went off with ow after 9 years together and a 4 year old, she some years down the line left him!! He's now had 2 wives and 2 partners but only 2 kids thank god (for the kids sake)

I had a very close marriage, my H went with OW because we sadly had some extremely traumatic losses in both our families and with each other, all were losses of dear babies. My H and I were there for each other and then OW saw he was upset and offered him a way out of having to deal with any of our realities. He couldn't cope and was weak and made his choice to walk away.

I am not a 'holier than thou' bitter poster full of hatred and I take offence to that on behalf of myself and all the DWs who have felt the pain of betrayal.

I don't believe that all MM who have had affairs will eventually do it to OW, I don't think my H will but whatever the outcome, it causes a world of unimaginable hurt to more than just the DW! I would never seek to hurt another person in that way.

A schoolfriend of mine did.
She has it all rationalised in her head tho, so any guilt must be buried. "They married too young." "She leeched off him" (was sahm).

Selfish, controlling, abusive people are like that whether they have affairs or not. Of course I have sympathy for women left alone with young children (ive been there) but surely you wouldnt advocate staying in an unhappy relationship for the sake of the children?
Is it the method of leaving the relationship that is the root of the problem?

How is a man who cheats on his wife a prize to win?

Of course

Sometimes the wronged wife isn't the right person, whether they think they have a perfect marriage or not. So they find the right person, and it works out.

Sometimes it's a one off, people who have affairs are not always wankers and not always serial adulterers. I dislike the "creating a vacancy" saying as I don't believe that's true. Obviously some people are serial cheaters but sometimes someone just ends up with the person they're supposed to be with.

Imagine being unhappily married to someone, wanting someone else, knowing they are who they should be with but not wanting to break up a family and create holy hell. Of course an affair is never right, and people should break up if they're not happy, but life really isn't as simple and as black and white as that.

I think people feel better imagining that couples who start a life together after an affair end up miserable. But it's just not true.

No my friend is not a competitive person! She actually is a great girl a very very dear friend of mine, she has had a tough few years for various reasons and I think this affair started at this time for that very reason, had she not been going through this I can 100% day she would not have ever given this man a second glance!

Jaceybee no def not you I'm talking about, unless you were at mine this morning lol, no my friend does not use MN though she knows I'm posting about this subject and will be reading the responses!

My husband left me after 9years and our 4yr old for ow, about 6 years down the line she left him. He as now at the age of 57 had 2 wives and 2 partners. But only 2 kids(which I suppose is 2 to many for him.

Yes glamourous- it's the lying, cheating...having their cake and eating it, utter disrespectful behaviour that affairs entail. If the marriage is ending, talk about it and be a big person. Don't disrespect your vows and other person.

Ok well in that case - Hi OP's friend, you are welcome to pm me if you want to chat to someone in the same boat!

DH's dad left his mom for the OW after she got pregnant (leaving two year old DH and his 12 year old twin brothers). They have now been married for 37 years. They make me sick and I refuse to visit them, even though it's supposedly 'water under the bridge'.

Jaceybee- I'm sorry but I don't understand how you can remain in a relationship which is based entirely on lies and deceit for so long. Do you not feel anxious all the time?! How can you deal knowing he has a home, a marriage a life totally separate from you and one he hasn't left yet for you?? Probably never will? I'm not having a go...just genuinely don't get it?! Why, why, why would you want to be a bit on the side? How can you find a lying man attractive?!

It doesn't surprise me OP that you think she wouldn't have given the OM a second glance if she'd been single and hadn't been going through a traumatic time. In my observation, quite a few affairs are like this; with people who just happen to be 'there' rather than because of their unique or special qualities. Some affairs are just escape mechanisms and nothing more serious or important than that.

But if you're right, he'd be mad to leave his wife for someone who wouldn't have got together with him if they'd both been single. And your mate would be mad to throw her lot in with a bloke who was actually just a crutch and not the real deal.

I didn't pay too much attention to what you said she was saying about her marital unhappiness, probably because that often gets revised and rewritten to justify an affair. But as her mate, was she talking of unhappiness before she met this bloke? Of course, that's not to say she wasn't keeping schtum about any problems she was having, but if you know her and her husband well, were you aware of any huge problems before OM came on the scene?

My father left us (six kids) and my mother for the OW. It happens.

He left your mum with 6 kids?! What is wrong with people?!
Hope you're mum is happy now...

I can think of cases where affairs have worked out, and I can think of cases where they haven't. I can also think of cases where relationships not starting with an affair have worked out, and those where they haven't. It all depends really doesn't it...

Not all first marriages are meant to last, and not all people who want to leave a marriage have the guts to do it the kind way. An affair is an easy exit.

Yes - know lots who did. Still doesn't make either of them any less of a bottom feeder though.

I know a very pleasant and normal MC couple with 3 kids together, turns out they got together as an affair. It does happen. Normal life does not always follow the Mumsnet script.

That's ok mamadiggingdeep, I don't really understand it myself sometimes! I am a level-headed emotionally intelligent, very self-aware person but this guy just blew me away I guess. We are just so compatible in every way, except for him being a different religion/culture and married! He is everything I ever wanted in a partner, though of course he is not my partner. We do know each other very well and are incredibly close. I know he has deep flaws. He cheats and lies over and over. Also, he can be weak and cowardly. He's not happy with his wife but isn't willing to go through a divorce. A lot of that is about him not wanting to upset his mother who would be devastated and probably disown him. His whole community would turn against him and he isn't strong enough (or doesn't want to enough) to go through it all to be with me.

His wife did find out about 18 months ago but decided to stay with him. Ostensibly she believes it's over but I think on some level she must 'know' I'm still around. She sounds miserable and I am sorry for her. I know that sounds fucked up but I am. I'm sorry for all of us really.

Leavenheath, I was aware of her issues and her unhappiness for years, awful anxiety and low self esteem and I did wonder if she was as happy with her DP as she said! When she confide in my about the affair, only weeks after it begun she did admit that her marriage had problems and wasn't great! All I can say is this MM has given her back a lot of her confidence and spark that I haven't seen for years, she is almost the 21 year old single girl I remember!

The MM has never lead her on or said he will leave his wife, as he says in his culture he will lose everything, he claims he loves her, their sole mates etc! She just has a fairytale going on on her head where she thinks that one day he will leave and they will live happily ever after and that his family will just expect he has left his wife for a western girl etc.

I was OW for almost 2 yrs and it was so shitty, lonely and miserable that I look back and think WTF? Why why why didn't I see how much crap I was in, and the circle of pain growing around both our LTR and our dc's. I can only say that I saw no way out other than to push on and quietly hope that he would leave marital home. I SHOULD have said "sort yourself out and contact me when you're single". Hindsight is a marvellous thing.

Eventually he fessed up to DW and after months of pretending to make it all work out, she kicked him out.

So we had another almost 2 yrs together . We met each others children (after a long time) and parents etc. Then , bugger me, he meets yoga lady and within days he has decided she's too "warm and nice" to resist. He's known her before in a previous life, apparently. That was 3 painful months ago.

So, did I win? I didn't feel like I won. I was totally in it for life. But I knew my DDs father was never ever going to be right for me . We both agreed it was long dead in the water. I very very very happy with my MM and him with me. Great friends, good company, easy, relaxed, great passionate sex, lots of chatting, very tactile . We completely cherished and adored each other. Guess I never really knew what went on in his head. Now i'm heartbroken and its my punishment I guess.

I know that I would NEVER entertain anything with a married man again. I look back at the person I was and think "what was I thinking" . Please don't flame me