Does the OW ever win the married man?

[Mintymoomoo]

Ok so just a question, me and my friends had along convo about this.

Seems that the general view on this is that the other women never get the married man, the man just has the affair because he can and never intends to leave the wife..... I always used to think that to but after reading on here I'm not so sure, seems to be lots of women who have been left for the OW!

What you all think

[Bogeyface]

"Sometimes things just happen"

Sorry but I really hate the self excusing shite! These things never "just happen", he made a decision to have an affair over several years, and you made the decision to be his affair partner. And being together afterwards does not mean that it is true love, it just means that at some point the balance tipped slightly from his wife being the more comfortable option to you being the more comfortable option, and given your concerns about him taking you for granted, I can see why. Perhaps he saw that after years of waiting you would be so grateful to have him that you would be less demanding of his wife.

I feel very sorry for you, you dont know what you have "won" do you?

[Bogeyface]

That should be "less demanding than his wife"

Also, his wedding being mentioned, so what? She was his legitimate wife, mother of his children and DIL to his family. They has every right to mention it should they so choose. Just because you wish that she had never existed doesnt mean that everyone else has to play along and airbrush her out of his past.

[anapitt]

yes of course it happens.
I know several incredibly happy couples whose relationships started as affairs.

[FolkGirl]

I'm not sure that's true that there will be another OW, pringles

My dad stayed with the OW until he died. He wasn't a philanderer or a ladies man. He was actually a quiet man with few expectations out of life who found true love with someone other than the woman he married (my mother).

I doubt my exH will go on to have another affair. I would say the same is true of him. In retrospect, we should never have been married. I would have been prepared, at the time, to put up and shut up for the sake of the children, but tbh, he did me a favour. I'm much happier now that I ever remember being. Will he be with the OW for the rest of his life? I'd be surprised simply because she's very different from him and is interested in things he's always been very scornful of. But then she does seem to feel a genuine affection for him, and she clearly pays attention to him; she bought my children very thoughtful Christmas gifts.

Who knows, but I do think there is a difference between someone who has many affairs because they like the thrill of it and someone who meets someone they genuinely fall for in a way they never anticipated happening.

[FolkGirl]

But I do think that there is a difference between people who end up as a couple because their affair was discovered and their hands were forced, and those who choose to be together because they genuinely love each other.

[EBearhug]

My parents' best friends split up when I was 14. He left for the OW - their marriage (now over 25 years) has lasted longer than his first did.

[bringoutthepringles]

Can't believe some people here are trying to justify adultery.

[FolkGirl]

I'm not justifying adultery, but you only get one life. If one person is unhappy in a marriage, everyone is unhappy in the marriage (only have to read threads on here to see that).

I don't think many people go into marriage wanting/expecting/anticipating it to end, but if it does run it's course and one person or the other meets 'the one' 20 years down the line, should they really just put up and shut up? Tolerate being unhappy and undoubtedly make the other person unhappy in the process.

I don't know that they should.

[Lweji]

I agree that sometimes people are unhappy in their marriages but don't find the motivation to actually leave until they meet someone else.
Not the best way of doing things, but lots of us should have left the marriage before it got as bad as it did.
And it is different to end the marriage because they want out, to be with someone else, and to be found out while having an affair, but not wanting to leave the current partner/cosy situation. I know which would piss me off the most and would lose my respect the most.

[FamiliesShareGerms]

I know of two couples who have now been married to the person they left their marriage for for far longer than they were originally married (eg married first for 15 years; gave been married to second spouse for 25 years). So it does happen and it becomes increasingly hard to hold it against them when you see how it was definitely the right decision for them (even if it fucks up lots of other people's lives).

[FolkGirl]

I agree Lweji.

I was talking to my brother last night about my exH and I could pinpoint several big points over the years where I should have left, I'm sure there are points when he should.

I can cope with the idea that someone just isn't in love with me any more and that they have found someone else. That's not disrespectful, that's life and it just happens.

It's the lying, betrayal and deceit that goes with an affair that does the damage.

People often stay for longer than they should for fear of the unknown or what other people will say.

[ALittleStranger]

There is huge expectation and pressure to keep a marriage going, even if it should never have even begun. I think that makes it very hard for people to simply leave because they're unhappy - we're almost told that periods of happiness are the price for a life-long commitment and you have to accept "for better for worse". I think this is especially true of men who fare so much worse on their own after a certain age. I think this makes it very hard for people to leave a marriage simply because they are unhappy. But poof, introduce a third party and suddenly there's a valid reason. Plus lust and maybe even love which have never yet been known to make people act more rationally.

[comingintomyown]

We stay married too long and XH called it a day

At the point of him actually moving out he got together with someone who he is still with four years later and due to marry

Discovering her did make our split a great deal more painful for me and her involvement with my DC was also very hard to swallow. If he had had a little more spine he would have waited until we had actually split before seeing someone else and that is my problem with affairs .

On a different note though the OW meant we had a clean break and there was never any question of toing and froing would we get back together etc and as the marriage was not at all good for me that was a positive thing

[comingintomyown]

I agree and I know he found it hard to leave because he was unhappy and actually said to me he was no good on his own hence why when OW presented herself up he jumped on that life raft sharpish

[nkf]

In my case, the OW did me a favour. The pain of the affair was dreadful and my ex was a spiteful shit. I wanted out but he didn't want to leave, didn't want to end things. Kept lying and promising. And guilt tripping me using my love for the children as a weapon.

Personally, I think it was only when he was sure that the OW would have him for good that he went. If it hadn't been for her, he'd still be here, moaning and sulking and punching doors and threatening me.

Did the OW win in this situation? Apparently they are happy but is that a win? If it is, I won too because I'm much happier. And I think the children no longer witness disgusting things. So, I guess they win too. It still seems a childish way to look at divorce though.

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

nkf, could I have your persmission to paste your reply on another thread please ?

[bringoutthepringles]

In my view, an unhappy marriage does not justify an affair. What happened to "my word is my bond"? You either try to fix the relationship (and it takes two to do that) or if all else fails, end it. Only once it has ended (and both parties have acknowledged this, either by agreement or a divorce) should they move on.

[itwillgetbettersoon]

Nkf - brilliant reply and I totally agree with you. My STBXH would never have left me and the kids for the OW until she offered to come and pick him up one Sunday afternoon! That made his decision easier and stopped the tooing and froing he had done for weeks and I had allowed as I couldn't see beyond the kids.

Has the ow won? She is 27 and he is 47 - no I don't think she has. She has won a middle aged man with two young kids that he is going to have to financially support for at least another ten years ( to give him credit he is happy to give his kids all of his money) half a piss poor pension and some bloody awful ILs. And me? I'm getting happier by the day as I see what a miserable controlling selfish sod he is!

[Lweji]

No, it doesn't justify it, Pringles. But some people won't address the issues in the marriage nor leave until they know they'll be with someone else. Sometimes the other person may be a trigger to realise there are issues with the marriage.

Sometimes it may happen to people in abusive relationships, who may only find the strength to leave when supported by someone else.

[Bogeyface]

Lweji

Abusive relationships are not really in question here though are they? I think we would all agree that being abused changes the game totally, and therefore even I wouldnt condemn an abused person for seeking some love and support elsewhere in order to allow them to leave. My only concern would be whether they were jumping from the frying pan into the fire.

The affairs being discussed here are where one partner checks out of a marriage without giving the other partner a chance to fix things, or to make a joint decision. I was so angry that H made unilateral decisions about our marriage without even letting me know, never mind discussing it with me. I had no idea that I was not in a faithful, truthful and monogamous marriage, but he did.

[Lweji]

I never said it was justifiable. The person leaving the relationship for another relationship, having cheated, is still a cheater and someone I wouldn't respect. Or want to have a relationship with.
But everyone is entitled to leave a relationship, having worked on it, or not.

[Bogeyface]

Lweji I totally agree about leaving if you choose, we all have the right to decide who we want to be in a relationship and to end it too. I was just saying that abusive relationships do change it for me. I am not at all forgiving of infidelity, in any form but that said, I can see how say a woman who is being physically abused may not feel safe leaving unless she leaves to be with a man who she feels can help protect her and her children. It doesnt make it right, but I do understand why she would do that.

[itwillgetbettersoon]

If the marriage isn't right both parties should discuss it and make some decisions either way. Both parties should be able to treat each other with respect.

An affair allows one party to control the other and treat them like shit. That is the bit I don't understand. One weekend you think you are married to your soul mate the nxt weekend you find out that they have lied and treated you like a bit of dirt on their shoes. How does that change happen?

[Lweji]

The sudden change is only in your perspective (of the person being cheated on). For the other person it is more gradual if they fall in love, probably, but at some point they had to make the choice to cheat, at least physically, and to keep the lie. Or to make the choice to keep the meetings and contact with the other person from their partner.

I also don't agree that people should leave for another someone else. Ideally, the marriage should be dealt with first, even if the partner happened to fall in love first. But, for me, there are degrees of "wrongness". The worst being just cheating with no intention of leaving.

[itwillgetbettersoon]

Lweje - I agree the change for the person having the affair isn't sudden. And in truth it isn't sudden for the wife or husband as deep down they know something isn't right but can't just pin point it. Their partners are distant, cruel, male no effort in the relationship etc. but the link isn't obvious until it happens.

I just wish my STBXH had spoken to me, then left to live on his own for a while then moved in with ow. It would have been easier for our kids, my parents and his parents to handle and pick ourselves up from. But ultimately he is a coward.