Does the OW ever win the married man?

[Mintymoomoo]

Ok so just a question, me and my friends had along convo about this.

Seems that the general view on this is that the other women never get the married man, the man just has the affair because he can and never intends to leave the wife..... I always used to think that to but after reading on here I'm not so sure, seems to be lots of women who have been left for the OW!

What you all think

[Mintymoomoo]

Thank you for all the replies, there are some intresting views and points made, I will be showing my friend this thread, though hers maybe be slightly different in they she is having affair with a Indian MM!

Bogeyface, I think one of the man reasons I used the word "WIN" is because my friend almost sees it that way, if he leaves his wife and gives her the happy life she has in her head then she will be the winner in all of it!

[MirandaWest]

XH had an affair with the OW at the time. They've been together over 3.5 years now and from what I can tell are v happy together.

[Leavenheath]

Hey Lying - thanks.

The only thing I'd disagree with in your longer post is that people about to have an affair consider the risks before getting involved, because I don't think many do. If any risk is assessed at all, it's whether their partners might find out, but I honestly don't think many people know the real implications until it's too late. The decision-making process is rarely that rational IMO and when lust or infatuation is involved, sound decision-making is often the first casualty.

When people on here say their errant partners were 'horrified' by their former actions, I can believe it. Partly because I myself look back and cringe at things I've done when I've had sex-goggles on or was immersed in some infatuation or other (when single, to be fair) and partly because I saw a family member who was in this state of horror- and it wasn't faked or just because he'd been found out.

[Runwayqueen]

The other woman in my case did 'win' my now xh.

[Leavenheath]

Is your friend a very competitive person then OP? With other women especially?

[HECTheHeraldAngelsSing]

Not much of a prize though, is it?

yes, sometimes they do end up with him.

although I think more often because his wife found out and kicked him out.

I think thats even worsg. Knowing you only got the 'prize' cos the original 'winner' threw it your way.

although there are those who meet someone else and at least do the honourable thing and leave, mostly it remains grubby and hidden until it all blows up into a horrible mess.

[Whatnext074]

Your friend sounds an absolute delight OP!

[cafesociety]

I know of a MM who left his wife and 2 young children and his OW left her husband and child. They have been together for 30 years. They have no idea of the devastation they left in their wake....to this day the effects are felt.

I agree that selfish people do this so they are probably well suited.

Then they decided to move 100 miles away from their offspring [and grandchild] to retire. Thus making the logistics of seeing 'family' difficult for everyone, so not at all helpful.

A very self absorbed couple. I don't like either of them much, both have ego's that are too big and both are vain.

[1983mummy]

My ex left me initially for the OW, then after a few days decided he wanted me. Then he wasn't sure. Then he kept in contact with her. In all honesty I actually wish she did 'win' him as it would have meant he didn't ruin our marriage for nothing.

[JaceyBee]

OP is your friend me? I am in a very similar situation also 2 years but he is Pakistani not Indian. I don't see him as a prize to be won, that would indicate I was playing some sort of game and I'm really not. I do think we would be very happy together though.

[KrabbyPatty]

In our group of friends, we know 2 OW who have ended up with the married men. And they are extremely happy.

[Beccawoo]

My XH left for OW 2 yrs ago, leaving me with a newborn and a 2 yr old. They are still together, despite him trying numerous times. - up till last month when our divorce came through - to get me back. OW of course knows nothing about this, so yes, she 'won' him but I have to pity her really.

[Alchemist]

H left me about 6 weeks ago for his OW. Whether she feels she has won is irrelevant. It's all I can do to hold the DCs and me together.

As he has made this decision, it's now up to him how he conducts his life. He has hurt me and, especially the DC 9 & 7, immeasurably. If they are delighted with each other for causing such grief, well, I think that shows them to be utter cunts.

[SanityClause]

1. I remember a thread where a second wife, who had been the OW, had her husband leave her for a second OW. As they say, when a man marries his mistress, he creates a vacancy.

1. What the flippin' jeff difference does it make if he is Indian?

[JaceyBee]

Why do people keep churning out that James goldsmith quote as though it is a truism rather than just some guys opinion?

See lyingwitch's post for a much more realistic viewpoint.

[ShineyBlackShoes]

My ex-H married his long time mistress. They are still happy I believe and have an 8 or 9 year old child.

I am still alone...over 13 years now!

[SirChenjin]

Why do people keep churning out that James goldsmith quote as though it is a truism rather than just some guys opinion?

Quite agree. The guy was hardly the philosopher of the 20th century, was he?

[SanityClause]

Okay, JaceyBee, I can only say I've seen it happen.

I also know a couple of cases where a man left his wife for the OW, and is still with her. Both are a bit older, so possibly the risk of them repeating this is less likely.

If it were me, I'd be scared it was going to happen to me, though.

[daphnesglasses]

I can think of one case where they are still together many years later, and two where the man went off with a further OW much later into the second marriage - repeating the same sort of pattern as first marriage. The OW who 'wins' a man in this way must know that's always a risk as he has it in his nature to cheat and having an affair is a way he is likely to deal with problems in their relationship.

It's not the greatest start to a relationship. I also know of a number who have left for OW and not ended up with her, so just wrecking a lot of lives

[glamourousgranny42]

I can see this from different viewpoints. I am I suppose the ow. My partner and I got together 6 months ago after a 3 year friendship. I immediately broke off my relationship and shortly after he left his wife. I didn't win him , its not a competition. Of course its messy and upsetting and difficult. But are you suggesting that people should remain in an unhappy relationship to preserve the happiness of another?
This isnt a whim or a fling. We are planning our future and are committed to each other.
Btw my marriage ended after I discovered my husbands other woman. These things happen and those holier than thou posters with hatred and bitterness, well, im not suprised you are alone.

[daphnesglasses]

comments like that really wind me up - why not be bitter if left for OW when they've got young kids, and more importantly, there are plenty of people who are a*holes who are with someone or married - being in a relationship doesn't endorse you as a human being

[KrabbyPatty]

I think it can be a bit daft to think that a man or woman who cheats has it in their nature.

In my experience, our friends that had affairs were, quite simply, not happy with their partners. They had both married young to their long term girlfriends that they'd had for years. They didn't have the maturity to realise that a long term relationship might not automatically be marriage material.

They have both gone on to marry the OW. They are both immensely happy and feel they are with the 'right' person now. I would be amazed to hear that either of them had cheated.

[daphnesglasses]

eh why's it daft it is in their nature because they have done it

[glamourousgranny42]

I agree daphne but I know from experience that bitterness and hatred are not helpful from a personal growth point of view. My ex made a choice. Fair enough my responsibility was to my children and my own health. My life went on and I made the best of it.