Does the OW ever win the married man?

[Mintymoomoo]

Ok so just a question, me and my friends had along convo about this.

Seems that the general view on this is that the other women never get the married man, the man just has the affair because he can and never intends to leave the wife..... I always used to think that to but after reading on here I'm not so sure, seems to be lots of women who have been left for the OW!

What you all think

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

The OW or the OM can't ever win the other person BUT the two of them can decide to break existing ties and make a new start together. Like any other relationship, there are no guarantees. Some are happy, some are not.

[flipchart]

Mine left me when I was 20 for another woman who was 3 years older than me and 2 years older than him. It was very bitter and messy.

I literally bumped into them 3 weeks ago in a small market town where he plays drums in a dad rock style band.

They have been together28 years, have now got two grown up children and appear very happy together.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Agree with Cogito and Leavenheath, I think those posters are really very insightful.

I call 'bullshit bingo' whenever I hear that "When a man marries his mistress it creates a vacancy". It doesn't. If you think about it, a man (or woman) who has ended their marriage does not do so lightly. Through selfishness or just a sense of decency and/or self-preservation, you don't just jump into matrimony again and not without giving it some real thought and consideration.

As a woman who was cheated on herself, I find some of the platitudes spouted extremely patronising and ill-considered. Above all, they are inaccurate and no kind of salve whatsoever. I just don't think it's helpful to fill people's head with this sort of stuff; "Don't worry, they'll get 'theirs' in the end", "They'll never be happy", "It's all built on a lie" and other assorted and completely unfounded statements.

What I've learned is that even the most uncharacteristic people have affairs. Many of those people are decent and whilst the affair behaviour is deplorable it doesn't change the essence of a person. It is always the 'fault' of the person who had the affair but given the destructive nature of entering into one and the huge risks and likelihood of getting caught, I doubt that it's something most people would do without seriously considering the implications of that. Some people, having considered, will still take that risk

You don't have to like or forgive a person who has cheated on you, you can even hate them if you want to but, there's one wisdom that strikes a chord with me along the lines of "If you seek revenge, dig TWO graves".

[HowAboutNo]

My friend was the OW for a short time. He left his partner and now is with my friend.

As a result of the way she behaved, we have drifted. Our mutual friends have all felt the pain of being cheated on, and whilst we love our friend, what she happily did to his ex makes us all uncomfortable.

They seem happy and go on great holidays and live a luxurious life but I can't help but think that it was all built on the back of someone else's pain.

[Putitonthelist]

I know a man who left his pregnant wife (of 10 years) and young child for his OW. They have been together for 11 years. I know him because he had a six month affair with me behind the OW's back. And I doubt I've been the only one, what a catch.

[ThatIsIt]

I know two who got the MM.

One was a former friend. She turned into a vary nasty bitter person once she married him. She had nasty names for his ex wife and the guy she went on to meet and marry, having taken her husband she was still in competition with his ex wife. His exwife got pregnant so she and her second husband had a reversal so she could have a baby too. She wasn't satisfied until she had got all four children to leave their Mothers house to live with her, she hated them and bitched them behind their backs, made their Dad have a go at them and she pretended to the children's faces she liked them, it was shocking to whitness, as I say she is a former friend.

Another I know the MM left and cheated on her with her friends, she wanted his first wives life and she got it.

[Wigeon]

My dad married his OW; they've now been together for about 10 years. My BIL is together with his OW and has been for a number of years. So it does happen.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

PutItOnTheList... Well neither you nor the cheating OM were a catch at the time, were you? Your post is a little hypocritical.

[Mama1980]

Win is definitely the wrong word.
But my nan was the other woman 70 years ago, my grandad left his fiancé within a couple of weeks of meeting her, weeks before the wedding was due to take place, and they were Very happily married for 60 years.

[Putitonthelist]

Lying you'll get no argument from me about that, you're right. Was simply posting my experience on the thread.

[ThatIsIt]

I think whoever posted about the OW being a different personality type to the first wife has a point. I was a right softie and traditional wife, the OW is just like his Mum, likes to be in control, maybe they are better suited. Maybe he should have married someone who sits on him and tells him off all the time, maybe that is what he wants. I know he still cheats on her, though he hasn't as many opportunities. Like a normal person I didn't stop him living a life, maybe he wanted to be restricted. Sadly instead of his hatred at her controlling him he takes it out on me, sigh! I can't wait until the children are adults, when he no longer has me as a scapegoat I predict they will have MAJOR troubles! They need to be joined together in hatred of me to survive!

[Trills]

I wouldn't exactly call it "winning", necessarily.

[mrsWast]

i did. we've been together 10 years, married for 5. it wasn't easy for any of us. make of that what you will. if it makes you all feel any better we are separating after xmas for reasons entirely unrelated to the events of ten years ago.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Putitonthelist... Fair enough. I think that people's experiences can lead them into certain behaviour and what they do shouldn't label them forever anyway. Most of the people who've had affairs that I know of, if not the affair, have at least regretted the pain caused.

[ThatIsIt]

I am sure it will make Mrs West the first, her children and those who love them happy that you are now as miserable as you made others. Why you think it would make random people on the internet happy I don't understand.

[Putitonthelist]

Lying I deeply regret what I did and have done much soul searching since the affair ended. And even though I was obviously 50% responsible for the affair I still think it's such a shame that he couldn't even stay faithful to the woman he left his wife and children for - it just seems such a waste.

[HowAboutNo]

I was surprised when I was younger to meet a man who was married, and o

[HowAboutNo]

*openly discussing how he would feel if his wife left him for another man:

"Well, good for her. If that is what she would want, then I don't want her"

Always stuck with me just how indifferent some men are.

[CointreauVersial]

Yes.

DM "won" DSDad. They have been together for 41 years now.

Similarly DH was with someone else when we met (although it was a long term relationship rather than marriage, and no kids), and we have almost clocked up 20 years.

So, not true that it never works out.

[TheOwlService]

I know of two women who both ended up with their affair partner. The first relationship only lasted around 2 years but the second is going strong 15 years later and they are still very happy. I'm not condoning it but sometimes things do work out and its not logical or realistic to say these relationships are bound to fail and that karma will get them!

[muddylettuce]

Sometimes the other man gets the married woman.

[ThatIsIt]

MrsWast, have a nice Christmas,

[Lazyjaney]

Of people i know, about 1/3 stayed, 1/3 left for OW, 1/3 left but did not go to OW (or for long, anyway). Of the reverse I know it's about the same. Probably more aldo who stayed that I don't know about as it never became public.