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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner has posted videos of me on a porn website

905 replies

cannotfuckingbelievethis · 15/12/2013 08:19

I have namechanged as I'm mortified to think that this has happened.

Together 18yrs, 2 young DCS aged 5 and 3. Had the usual ups and downs you would expect during 18yrs together. Our sex life used to be pretty good, we experimented with different things and OH liked to take pictures of me which I wasn't into at first but then came round to the idea. As long as they were for his use only I didn't really have a problem but only let him take them when I felt like it. He was trying to spice things up over the last couple of months and recorded me a few times when we were having sex. I did not explicitly say "do not post these anywhere else" (because I shouldn't fucking have to I would have thought !) But I have mentioned in the past about how I would horrible it would be if a partner or an ex did this. So he knows my feelings on the subject.

When I found out last night I just asked him flat out why he did it. He said he liked the idea of people watching me and getting turned on. I said what about what I like and what I want ? He said he "thought" I would like it too. I told him I was fucking raging and wanted them off the site now and that he knew how I felt about it as I'd already said they were for him to watch and no one else.

I feel like such a fucking idiot. I know it was my decision to trust him but we're not talking about some teenager who is coerced into making a video. I've known him for a bloody lifetime. He doesn't seem to be seeing it as that big a deal and was kind of joking last night about "any chance of a blowjob then ?" I told him to fuck off.

Apart from all of the above which makes him sound like a complete prick he is a brilliant Dad and a good partner, though not the most affectionate. I could fucking kill him just now I'm so angry.

OP posts:
ReluctantBeing · 15/12/2013 11:18

If I was you would be trying to rationalize it, telling myself that I was wasn't recognizable etc etc, but the thought would keep smacking me in the face. I'm not actually sure I could ever forgive him or get over it, no matter how hard I tried too. Colleagues, friends, neighbors, anyone, could see it.

SootikinAndSweep · 15/12/2013 11:20

Are you sure that your face has never been on any photos or videos of you he's taken during sex? I'm wondering whether he has uploaded any other material.

TurnipCake · 15/12/2013 11:20

Nasty, hideous betrayal and what an odious man.

Good partner and father? Get to fuck. What he has done is absolutely unforgivable.

Xmas2013MN6233 · 15/12/2013 11:20

you are not a tit - he would be homeless if he was my partner

Lweji · 15/12/2013 11:21

If you allow this to pass, next time your face may well be recognisable. He may film you without your consent. It has happened to pp before.

Will you trust him again?

It's normal not to know what to do. I think you need to get some space and time to think and he should give you that. Any reaction other than repent and to allow you to make your own mind should tell you all you need to know.

QuintessentialShadows · 15/12/2013 11:22

"Whats the big deal if you can't be identified."

The big deal is that a trusted partner has filmed his partner performing intimate acts with and on him, and for him to upload this as wan king material for millions of voyeurs out there who get a kick of secretly filming and "sharing" their partners for each others mutual gratification.

That is the big deal.

Xmas2013MN6233 · 15/12/2013 11:22

and it may be worth you speaking to a rape crisis service, because it is pretty damn violating and I am sure the feelings you describe are similar xx(hug))

MonkeysInTheFog · 15/12/2013 11:25

I wouldn't be able to come back from this.

The more I think about it the worse it is.

Do you have sons OP?

fiftyandfab · 15/12/2013 11:25

I don't think making this a police matter (even if they would consider it to be a crime) is advisable. It would be further humiliation for the OP as they'd need to see the 'evidence'. God, that makes me feel sick at the mere thought.

I'm inclined to agree with ReluctantBeing but if there is any back from this at all, OP's partner needs to realise and accept the enormity of what he's done. If he can, then OP needs to decide if it's enough. If he can't/won't, for me, that'd be the deal breaker.

TheHippyWhoWearsLippy · 15/12/2013 11:27

Do you realise how serious this is? Why is he still in your home? Your body is online for everyone to see, doing unthinkable things without your consent. This is possibly one if the worst things that a partner can do, it's abuse in many forms. Disgusting.

Pepperandhotmilk · 15/12/2013 11:29

I think I hate this man, even though I don't know him. How DARE he do this to you?! What a devastating violation...treating you, his wife and mother of his children, as a cheap object. I would kick him out, get the police and divorce him for this.

ILoveOnionRings · 15/12/2013 11:31

I agree with the majority

  • Damage limitation, try and find out if there is anymore (try and keep it together until you have done this
  • Then kick him out

Words cannot describe my thoughts what he has done but Turnipcake made a good start with Nasty, hideous betrayal and what an odious man

Another thought, it again is not pleasant but must be addressed, not sure if anyone has mentioned this, but if there are any where you may identified how will this affect your job/career?.

He is scum!

Lweji · 15/12/2013 11:32

The police here is the same as in a rape situation.

Cannot, you don't know where he has his stuff, what he has actually posted and what he can do with it in future. He is unrepentant and his reactions smack of entitlement.

The material wouldn't necessarily be made public. I don't think it would for your protection.
If you leave him, however, he could still post identifiable stuff just to punish you. And laugh all the way.

meddie · 15/12/2013 11:33

Would be a definite dealbreaker for me. he would be on the kerb faster than it took him to crack one out.

Seabright · 15/12/2013 11:35

It's all happened so quickly, you need time to think, without him minimising his actions.

Why not tell him he needs to go, temporarily, so you can consider what you want. A few nights in a Travellodge to give you the time and space you need to process this.

And if anyone asks why he's gone, don't be ashamed to tell them. I bet they won't see it like a joke, as he seems to, plus, it might be a warning to your friends too.

deemented · 15/12/2013 11:46

What an awful, awful thing he's done to you. You must feel so violated.

This would be a deal breaker for me too. The fact that his abuse - because that is what it is - is escalating, from taking photos, to videos - in itself is worrying to me. I couldn't stay with him because I would be terrified of what would be coming next - he wanted people to see you... how long til he 'invites' people to actually come and see you having sex irl? How much of a say would you have in that? And would he care? And what would happen if you said no? He's already shown he holds you in contempt.

Please OP, LTB. Throw him out or pack a bag. You aren't safe with him.

NakedTigarCub · 15/12/2013 11:46

I would not be bitching on mumsnet I would be shipping kids off to gp and packing his bags and looking up a good lawyer., wiping the computer and any other images he had and planning a life without him.

I would not tell him I had feelings I would show him I had feeling thru my actions.

I could not respect or trust someone who violated me in such a way.

Pollaidh · 15/12/2013 11:47

This is dreadful and I don't think I could ever forgive him. I would find a (maybe female) IT person you trust and deliver all his phones, laptop, camera etc to them and sit there while they wipe everything. I'd also get them to check files to see what else is there. If he loses his coursework too, so be it. Obviously that doesn't help with any material out there, but stops him putting up anything he hasn't already done. I'd be concerned about revenge if you divorce/leave him as he might think you're in the wrong if he doesn't see this as serious.

Then find a good solicitor (probably one who deals with divorces) and ask what can be done both in terms of justice (not sure whether you'll get anywhere there), and protection/income for you and your children.

I'd also get a counsellor as this is a violation of you and it will probably affect you for years to come, give you trust issues with new partners etc. You, personally, need someone discreet with whom you can talk it through. Possibly Relate can advise on someone suitable, or Crisis.

I very much doubt I could stay with someone who had done this to me. However if you do stay you would need to rebuild and he would need to understand the gravity of the situation and admit it and repent. I'm concerned that he doesn't seem to get that, unless his attitude today is due to defensiveness. If he doesn't get it then I don't think you can continue. There's no remorse or shame from what you say.

I'm so sorry for you, this is awful.

happytalk13 · 15/12/2013 11:49

"Bitching"? The OP is looking for support - not bitching.

TSSDNCOP · 15/12/2013 11:50

You need to take your time to sort your head out. YOU have done nothing to be ashamed of, so please try to discuss this with someone in RL.

I'm struggling and failing to imagine how I would get past this. It's just so utterly wrong on so, so many levels.

I'm concerned that by posting you'll sort this out in your head somehow. By talking in RL I think you'll really appreciate the enormity of how much this man has violated you and his children.

deemented · 15/12/2013 11:51

NakedTigerCub - The OP is not 'bitching'! She's just had the most horrendous shock, her world has crashed down and she has no one IRL that she feels she can confide in.

Please OP, use MN for as much support as you can.

QuintessentialShadows · 15/12/2013 11:55

Though I disagree with NakedTigerCub that OP is bitching, I agree with the rest of her post.

Bahhhhhumbug · 15/12/2013 11:55

I would be contacting the police though l appreciate this would only add to your embarrassment but surely they have specially trained non dirty rainmac type officers for this sort of thing and female ones at that which might be preferable to you. He has put that on there without your permission surely they can be insist it be removed.

Sounds like he is delaying this or is certainly in no rush to do anything about it which means there's a risk of copies being made/kept obv. He was a complete twat for doing this in first place but even if we gave him tiniest bit of benefit of the doubt (of him not understanding how much this would bother you/whatever) surely then his absolute priority would be to minimise the damage and get it removed.

Or maybe you should send him to the police to tell them what he has done without your permission and he ask them to get it removed save you the embarrassment.

God l am raging on your behalf.

NakedTigarCub · 15/12/2013 12:02

The op should not feel embarressed about this she has done nothing wrong. I agree op is in shock and it would be easy to moan and do nothing about this. Im glad mn can give support, advice and confirm her reations.

What he did it not ok.

What he did is a big deal and im glad you know this.

But you need to take action now you need to get rid of every photo and video he has of you and find out if he has uploaded any other images.

Its important for everyone to remeber that if you dont want people seeing photos of you, then dont take them, even in a long term relationship.

Bahhhhhumbug · 15/12/2013 12:03

Yes and l agree with others l would be searching his mobile, laptop in fact any piece of commumication equipment he owns or shares with you and looking in every single file however innocent the title plus searching all his drawers etc even the bloody garden shed for memory sticks etc and do as much as l could to be as sure as possible he has no more ammunition.....and then turf him out.