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Original poster

My partner has posted videos of me on a porn website

905 replies

cannotfuckingbelievethis · 15/12/2013 08:19

I have namechanged as I'm mortified to think that this has happened.

Together 18yrs, 2 young DCS aged 5 and 3. Had the usual ups and downs you would expect during 18yrs together. Our sex life used to be pretty good, we experimented with different things and OH liked to take pictures of me which I wasn't into at first but then came round to the idea. As long as they were for his use only I didn't really have a problem but only let him take them when I felt like it. He was trying to spice things up over the last couple of months and recorded me a few times when we were having sex. I did not explicitly say "do not post these anywhere else" (because I shouldn't fucking have to I would have thought !) But I have mentioned in the past about how I would horrible it would be if a partner or an ex did this. So he knows my feelings on the subject.

When I found out last night I just asked him flat out why he did it. He said he liked the idea of people watching me and getting turned on. I said what about what I like and what I want ? He said he "thought" I would like it too. I told him I was fucking raging and wanted them off the site now and that he knew how I felt about it as I'd already said they were for him to watch and no one else.

I feel like such a fucking idiot. I know it was my decision to trust him but we're not talking about some teenager who is coerced into making a video. I've known him for a bloody lifetime. He doesn't seem to be seeing it as that big a deal and was kind of joking last night about "any chance of a blowjob then ?" I told him to fuck off.

Apart from all of the above which makes him sound like a complete prick he is a brilliant Dad and a good partner, though not the most affectionate. I could fucking kill him just now I'm so angry.

OP posts:
Meerka · 15/12/2013 09:31

Bags on the doorstep.

This is unforgiveable. I'm sorry, but like everyone else has said, those videos are out there permanently now.

He is NOT a good dad, no dad should knowingly and deliberately override someone else's privacy and trust like this. Its an extremely bad way of dealign with people. Least of all the mother of his children.

MistressDeeCee · 15/12/2013 09:31

Id be tempted to get someone to give him a good beating. He knows you wouldnt be up for this, thats why he didnt tell you and its probably not the 1st time he's done it either. Im wondering if this will now kill your relationship - to put it bluntly, how will you feel when you sleep with him again? Used? & god forbid he should ever ask to film you again! Even if he didnt, you'll probably be paranoid looking around the room for hidden cameras. So sorry to hear he's done this to you, his dis-respect of you is breathtaking.

piratecat · 15/12/2013 09:34

what else has he put online i wonder.
better ask him if he has shared any photos or videos that Are identifiable op

Inneedoftea · 15/12/2013 09:37

What a terrible situation for you OP.

I can only imagine how dreadfully violated and hurt I would be. I'm not sure I could forgive my DH if this was me. Such utter disregard for me and the subsequent total lack of remorse on his part. He may well be a good dad and partner but I'm not sure I could ever trust him again, let alone want to be intimate in any way.

Unless I had total and sincere remorse I couldn't see a relationship like this recovering. I couldn't forgive him I think.

I hope you find a way through this, whatever the outcome. You have to put yourself and our feelings first.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 15/12/2013 09:37

Oh dear, I'm sorry op.

What a twat he is.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 15/12/2013 09:39

I don't believe he thought you would like it. He didn't give a shit about you.

He thought you would never find out.

Inneedoftea · 15/12/2013 09:39

your feelings first, not ours!

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 15/12/2013 09:41

I doubt he was ever going to tell you, either. That's what people say when they get caught doing something they shouldn't.

I wouldn't believe another word that he says.

msrisotto · 15/12/2013 09:42

God, is it really not illegal? Wouldn't she have had to sign a disclaimer or anything for it to be legal? Shocking if not.

CestelloAnnunciation · 15/12/2013 09:43

That is utterly, utterly grim. What a thing to do to the mother of your children and woman you supposedly love.

notapizzaeater · 15/12/2013 09:45

I'd be furious and LTB, would you invite another person into watch you having sex ? Because that's what he's done, again and again.

What if your dad / friend / brother sees it and recognises the bedroom or something ?

fiftyandfab · 15/12/2013 09:47

OP you need to realise he hasn't posted this stuff in an altruistic/benevolent/for the good of mankind/sharing kind of way. It's wank fodder for him, knowing that others are getting off on it. (sorry, not trying to make you feel bad)

I'm livid that he's shown no remorse or apologised. Am even more livid that he was stupid enough to not realise that this is out there forever.

I'd take some solace in the fact that you can't be recognised (and even if you could, no-one you knew would admit to viewing it) and then I'd kick his sorry backside to the kerb. He would have destroyed my trust to the point I wouldn't be able to bear looking at him, let alone being intimate with him ever again.

omuwalamulungi · 15/12/2013 09:47

I think it would be illegal if OP didn't know she was being filmed in the first place, but distributing the films without her consent SURELY should be illegal!? Sad

I am so sorry, can't believe your partner of 18 years could treat you in this way. What a horrible betrayal of trust.

fifi669 · 15/12/2013 09:47

Delete everything, photos, videos etc he has of you both. Ask him how much has been uploaded more so that you know what you're dealing with than actually being able to do anything about it.

I wouldn't LTB. You've been a happy couple for 18 years. He was a monumental tit, thoughtless and selfish to use your private recordings in this way. I don't think that means your whole relationship has been abusive/controlling etc, just that he paid little attention to consequences, much like men who have affairs. Whatever you do now will have no effect on the fact that the video is out there..... I think if as you've said he's a good partner/father at all other times I'd rather try to work through it.

Noflamingoshere · 15/12/2013 09:51

I hope you all think. Every funny video you watch on YouTube that came from CCTV. That video of the dog peeing up a mans leg that video of someone walking in to a lamppost - that's a video taken of someone without their consent and shared on the Internet.

That video of someone drunk boaking in a drain and flashing their pink knickers that your friend linked to with a "what a snapper" comment.

It's all the same principle.

Laws to protect your image are woefully inadequate in this current Internet world.

Not to minimise what the ops partner has done in the slightest.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 15/12/2013 09:52

I wouldn't be able to have sex with him again so for me that's the end.

How much porn does he watch then? Clearly he is having trouble as seeing women as 'thinking' beings.

rpitchfo · 15/12/2013 09:53

Women everywhere...STOP letting your DP and DH take explicit photos and videos of you.

Most of my friends have at some point flashed me a photo of one of their girlfriends/wives "look at this". They are never just for their own personal use, they are to show off with. Putting it on the internet is an extreme but it happens.

I've never taken a photo or video of my girlfriend for "personal use" i don't need to i see her naked all the time.

To the OP, he's gone waaaayyy to far with this.

rpitchfo · 15/12/2013 09:56

just to add a lot of these photos are also "selfies" that the women take themselves....bath shots and mirror shots. Don't do it. Especially if you have only known the guy 2 minutes and you have only been on 2 or 3 dates. Confused

fiftyandfab · 15/12/2013 09:56

I really can't believe the staggering naivety of some people on here talking about illegality (or not) of this. It's the Internet FFS....don't you realise the extent of the depravity of some people in the world? This kind of stuff is tame tip of the iceberg compared to what exists in the cyber world.

Not minimising this at all (it happened to me) it's sickening, but I completely disagree with fifi about working through it. This, for me, is completely and irrevocably unforgiveable.

Twinklestein · 15/12/2013 10:08

I'm really sorry for you OP, that is quite vile.

He has pimped and exploited you as if you were a prostitute and his property.

This has to be bags on the doorstep, because the worst thing is that he doesn't even grasp the magnitude of what he has done.

He never will unless you face him with serious consequences.

BitOutOfPractice · 15/12/2013 10:11

Oh shit. What a massive betrayal.

How many times has he done this before I wonder. I bet it's not the first time Hmm

HerdyHerdwick · 15/12/2013 10:15

I agree that they will have already been shared onto countless other sites.
He knows he should have discussed this with you and made sure you were happy about it before he uploaded them.
For me the relationship would be over because I'd never be able to have sex with him, or trust him, ever again.

ilovesmurfs · 15/12/2013 10:18

oh op how crap.

i agree with those saying this has blown any trust and respect from.your relationship. ffs what was he thinking?!!!

i dont think i could move on from.this. but if you want to try to then i would want some counselling and for him to have an understanding of what he has done and the consequences. ffs those pictutes are out there now. i cant believe he was joking abput it?!! does he really not get that he has monumentally crossed the line?

Longdistance · 15/12/2013 10:23

Partner? Shouldn't that be exp???

MrsUnderwood · 15/12/2013 10:28

I would try an delete all the other pictures he's taken of you, on the small chance he hasn't already put them online. Then I'd leave him. He had violated your trust in an absolutely horrible way.