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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner has posted videos of me on a porn website

905 replies

cannotfuckingbelievethis · 15/12/2013 08:19

I have namechanged as I'm mortified to think that this has happened.

Together 18yrs, 2 young DCS aged 5 and 3. Had the usual ups and downs you would expect during 18yrs together. Our sex life used to be pretty good, we experimented with different things and OH liked to take pictures of me which I wasn't into at first but then came round to the idea. As long as they were for his use only I didn't really have a problem but only let him take them when I felt like it. He was trying to spice things up over the last couple of months and recorded me a few times when we were having sex. I did not explicitly say "do not post these anywhere else" (because I shouldn't fucking have to I would have thought !) But I have mentioned in the past about how I would horrible it would be if a partner or an ex did this. So he knows my feelings on the subject.

When I found out last night I just asked him flat out why he did it. He said he liked the idea of people watching me and getting turned on. I said what about what I like and what I want ? He said he "thought" I would like it too. I told him I was fucking raging and wanted them off the site now and that he knew how I felt about it as I'd already said they were for him to watch and no one else.

I feel like such a fucking idiot. I know it was my decision to trust him but we're not talking about some teenager who is coerced into making a video. I've known him for a bloody lifetime. He doesn't seem to be seeing it as that big a deal and was kind of joking last night about "any chance of a blowjob then ?" I told him to fuck off.

Apart from all of the above which makes him sound like a complete prick he is a brilliant Dad and a good partner, though not the most affectionate. I could fucking kill him just now I'm so angry.

OP posts:
lljkk · 15/12/2013 08:52

There is a name for this, some campaigns going to prevent it.

ThePinkOcelot · 15/12/2013 08:53

I can't see how you could come back from this OP. He has betrayed your trust in the most despicable way. What a stupid bastard.

MincedMuffPies · 15/12/2013 09:00

I think thats illegal OP what he has done.

Original poster
cannotfuckingbelievethis · 15/12/2013 09:00

He said he was planning on telling me (when I don't know) and it's always easy to say that after the event when you've been caught out isn't it ?

I haven't always had the best body image or thought of myself as being attractive so I don't know if he thought I was going to "get off" on the idea of loads of men watching this and being turned on. As though it would be some kind of confidence boost for me. When we've spoke about fantasies in the past I remember saying I was wish I was more of a extrovert and an exhibitionist. But there's a hell of a difference between talking about these things as part of a fantasy and posting it on the internet for the entire fucking world to see isn't there ?

OP posts:
ChasedByBees · 15/12/2013 09:00

This would absolutely be a LTB situation for me. He obviously doesn't even recognise that you have independent feelings and wishes or he wouldn't still be making a joke about it. What is wrong with him?

Branleuse · 15/12/2013 09:02

wow. What a massive massive betrayal :(

DebrisSlide · 15/12/2013 09:02

I'm so sorry he's done that to you. Puts a different slant on the whole consenting thing, doesn't it?

If you hadn't found it, would he have shown you/let you know? Is that the only one he's uploaded?

I don't know how you come back from something like this, but I hope you find peace whatever route you take.

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 15/12/2013 09:03

You must be distraught. All that trust, gone. Has he said how long they've been on the site? It sounds to me like he filmed you with every intention of putting them online. I expect some of your photos are online too, sorry to say. Is he getting any financial reward for uploading these, or when people watch them?

In your position I'd be getting him to take down as much as he can and delete the films off his phone, laptop and anywhere else they are. I'd then order him to leave. How can you ever trust him again, let alone want to have sex with him?

YouStayClassySanDiego · 15/12/2013 09:04

Has he shown any remorse at all?

tedmundo · 15/12/2013 09:04

That would be an absolute deal breaker for me.

Also, I find his language really revolting. I cannot imagine how a relationship would develop where "any chance of a blowjob?" was said to me, in jest or not.

I find that repugnant, but perhaps I am a bit sheltered!

Once it has been posted online, people may have made copies. The horse has bolted, whether or not he deletes the ones on his PC.

Noflamingoshere · 15/12/2013 09:05

What he's done isn't illegal.

fiftyandfab · 15/12/2013 09:05

OP you're looking inwards at yourself trying to find his reasons for doing this. Don't even go there. If he ever thought you wouldn't mind about this, why didn't he discuss it with you first?

Because he KNEW you wouldn't be OK with it. That's why. Sorry...

happytalk13 · 15/12/2013 09:05

No, OP you're not a tit - he is, and that's insulting tits.

I'm so so sorry. He's not a good dad and partner - he's just shown you that. He's exploited you, your trust. He is opportunistic, unethical, self-serving. He posted something on the net because he liked the idea - he's not stupid, he knows permission should have been gained from you first and his sulky "I though you would like it too" is him trying to get you to back down because you're making him feel bad and he wants you to shut up. And the blowjob joke....Angry

Noflamingoshere · 15/12/2013 09:06

Sorry posted too soon. It is despicable, a betrayal of trust and makes him all kinds of an arse. But it isn't illegal, sadly.

Original poster
cannotfuckingbelievethis · 15/12/2013 09:06

sosoft - Not sure how long they've been up. I think you can see on the website when they were uploaded (also how many times they've been viewed and votes ! I'll check that again if I really want to torment myself)

Pretty sure there is no financial benefit in this for him. He has a pretty high sex drive and was always into trying different things so I think it's just been for the "turn on" factor...

OP posts:
fiftyandfab · 15/12/2013 09:08

And everyone....stop being so naïve in suggesting the film/s be taken down. Once they're out there, they're out there FOREVER. Continually being propagated to other sites/downloaded/re-uploaded.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/12/2013 09:11

This is not even about the filming; this is more about power and control.
He wanted these images put online so went about doing so. He did this because he could do so and has seemingly also shown no real remorse towards the OP.

You need OP now to look at the longer term future of your relationship with this person.

RandomMess · 15/12/2013 09:12

He will have uploaded them as soon as possible after they were made. The high sex drive and being into trying different things says it all. He doesn't care about your feelings etc.

Sad
Vivacia · 15/12/2013 09:13

What a terrible, terrible betrayal. And his reaction on you discovering the betrayal is an absolute disgrace. I think his lack of remorse and fuck-awful 'joke' is meant to minimise and make you second-guess your gut reaction. I would have thrown him out of the house otherwise I'd have been scared I might physically harm him.

This would be a deal-breaker for me. I don't normally feel vengeful but I'd let everyone know that the reason for the break-up is because he filmed a woman having sex and distributed the footage as pornography without her knowledge or consent.

EirikurNoromaour · 15/12/2013 09:15

He's been breaking down your boundaries for a while hasn't he? You didn't want the photos taken at first but you gave in...you say he has been trying to spice things up (by pushing your boundaries) and has now moved on to violating your person and using you sexually without your consent.

I imagine he's been posting these videos online for a long time, just because he just got caught doesn't mean he just started doing it. You are probably all over the Internet I'm afraid. I'm saying this not to upset you but to demonstrate the extent of his violation.

In my opinion this is as bad as rape. It's not the same, of course, but it's as serious in terms of showing you what a man thinks about your right to consent or otherwise.

YouStayClassySanDiego · 15/12/2013 09:16

He's used and manipulated you in the worst way for his own gratification.

He's a twat, how could you ever trust him again?

paxtecum · 15/12/2013 09:18

Some men's brains are in their bollocks and they cannot think past them.

He probably doesn't think it is a problem because you are not recognisable.

Your DH is a dick wit.

Noflamingoshere · 15/12/2013 09:20

Pax I disagree and I hate that characterization of "men think with their bollocks" or "thinking with the small head not the big head" type shite. It totally minimises what he has done.

He knew exactly what he was doing. This has fuck all to do with the actual sex and absolutely everything to do with him wanted to be the great I am.

Please don't do the op the dis-favour and disrespect if minimising this

AntoinetteCosway · 15/12/2013 09:22

He's not a good dad-he's put video of his children's mother on the internet. Ok they are small at the moment. But what if one day your children find it?

The more I think about this the more I think I would be divorcing him and sueing him for causing emotional distress.

Vivacia · 15/12/2013 09:29

Agree that paxt's comments may be well-intentioned but they are inaccurate and minimising.

He did this with your trust and privacy. I wouldn't give him the chance to take my children's.