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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

My partner has posted videos of me on a porn website

905 replies

cannotfuckingbelievethis · 15/12/2013 08:19

I have namechanged as I'm mortified to think that this has happened.

Together 18yrs, 2 young DCS aged 5 and 3. Had the usual ups and downs you would expect during 18yrs together. Our sex life used to be pretty good, we experimented with different things and OH liked to take pictures of me which I wasn't into at first but then came round to the idea. As long as they were for his use only I didn't really have a problem but only let him take them when I felt like it. He was trying to spice things up over the last couple of months and recorded me a few times when we were having sex. I did not explicitly say "do not post these anywhere else" (because I shouldn't fucking have to I would have thought !) But I have mentioned in the past about how I would horrible it would be if a partner or an ex did this. So he knows my feelings on the subject.

When I found out last night I just asked him flat out why he did it. He said he liked the idea of people watching me and getting turned on. I said what about what I like and what I want ? He said he "thought" I would like it too. I told him I was fucking raging and wanted them off the site now and that he knew how I felt about it as I'd already said they were for him to watch and no one else.

I feel like such a fucking idiot. I know it was my decision to trust him but we're not talking about some teenager who is coerced into making a video. I've known him for a bloody lifetime. He doesn't seem to be seeing it as that big a deal and was kind of joking last night about "any chance of a blowjob then ?" I told him to fuck off.

Apart from all of the above which makes him sound like a complete prick he is a brilliant Dad and a good partner, though not the most affectionate. I could fucking kill him just now I'm so angry.

OP posts:

Report

maleview70 · 15/12/2013 12:07

Do you not think phoning the police is a tad excessive?

He is her children's father and how will phoning the police help her?

NakedTigarCub · 15/12/2013 12:10

I agree with finding a Female IT consultant to help you get rid of the photos, maybe you could post on the geek section for recommedations?

I think its chilling that he is joking about it with you and not begging for forgiveness :(

ilovesmurfs · 15/12/2013 12:13

i have no.idea if the police could do anything. but if they could even just talk to.him and it shits him.up and makes him realise the enormotity of what he has done and how badly he has fucked up and betrayed her trust then that would be one reason for calling them.

a good father would not breach the trust of his childrens mother like this. and he certainly wouldnt then joke about it and make out like its not a big deal.

Vivacia · 15/12/2013 12:16

I'm not sure why the advice for a female police officer or IT technician. There's no need to view any of the files and men I know would be as equally likely as the women I know to find this abhorrent.

Meerka · 15/12/2013 12:19

OP might feel comfier with a female tech.

Right now she's been pretty badly betrayed. This isnt something that can be undone and she's almost certainly going to have to live with the knowledge that her most intimate moments, which she didnt wnat filmed in the first place and was pressured into allowing, are going to be up there on the net for the rest of her life.

Twinklestein · 15/12/2013 12:20

Vivacia - do you not think that if there is further film of her having sex, she'd rather it was viewed by a female??

NakedTigarCub · 15/12/2013 12:23

I feel ok stripping off infront of other women but I would not strip off in front of men, I would feel the same aboit photos of my body. I would feel more confontable with a female Tech looking at my sex photos, than a man I dont know.

I dont think this is an unreasonable request.

Vivacia · 15/12/2013 12:26

I think it's irrelevant because the technician could just delete all of the videos found without viewing them.

peggyundercrackers · 15/12/2013 12:30

an IT consultant wont get rid of the photos permanently, even if the computer is wiped they can still be recovered...

BelaLugosisShed · 15/12/2013 12:33

I'd want him in prison and on the sex offender's register if it were me, it's the most dispicable breach of trust possible.

BadLad · 15/12/2013 12:34

I'm male, and I would leave DW if she did this to me.

Charlie50 · 15/12/2013 12:44

It is awful behaviour but I don't know why so many people are saying just leave like you should throw away years of a good relationship and kids together etc. It isn't black and white. Of course he can be a good dad even though he has done something disrespectful and awful.
It was an out of order thing to do but not unforgiveable. He needs to realise why it was so out of order and disrespectful but i really don't agree with the advice to leave him over this.
At least you have a healthy sex life.. So many long term couples never have sex.

clam · 15/12/2013 12:44

I don't know which is worse, the fact that he did this in the first place, or that he's finding your horror amusing.
I'm so sorry for you - what a vile situation to be put it.

clam · 15/12/2013 12:45

Charlie50 Really???

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 15/12/2013 12:46

I am beyond shocked that anyone would think that this is no big deal - yes, NigellaLaw5on - I am looking at you!

I've just told my dh what your 'd'h did, OP, and his immediate reaction was LTB - and he has never said that before, in response to any situation I have described to him.

I think tigercub's use of the word bitching was wrong (maybe in the heat of the moment, replying to the OP) - but her advice was spot on.

Vivacia · 15/12/2013 12:50

He needs to realise why it was so out of order and disrespectful If he doesn't automatically realise Charlie do you think it's his wife's responsibility to get him to realise? And if so, how does she do that?

At least you have a healthy sex life. Yes, any woman should be grateful for any sexual act she encounters.

sparklysilversequins · 15/12/2013 12:56

This man has put images of his naked wife, having sex on the net for the world to see, of course she should bloody leave him! WTF is wrong with those saying don't throw away a relationship all those years over it? HE threw it away, the disgusting pig and those who think that's not so bad are clearly goady MRA's who hate women and see them as objects who should be available for other men and their need to have an enjoyable wank above all else. Therefore your opinions should be given no consideration whatsoever from here on in.

MatryoshkaDoll · 15/12/2013 12:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CiderwithBuda · 15/12/2013 13:01

A man who can do this is not a good dad. Putting videos of his children's mother having sex on the internet is not the action of a good father. It s the actions of a complete and utter moron. A selfish, porn obsessed idiot. That's not a good father.

I couldn't get beyond this.

You poor thing. What an utter betrayal. And I think the worst thing is that he doesn't see it as a big deal. He is so stupid that he hasn't been able to think through the further implications.

ilovesmurfs · 15/12/2013 13:12

The op isn't the one throwing away 18yrs etc. He dh has done that by abusing her trust.

I wonder if he is being jokey etc about it because he does realize what a monumental cock he has been and knows what he could lose and so he is trying to minimise/make light of it?

SnakeyMcBadass · 15/12/2013 13:21

OP, get angry. Very, very angry. Eighteen years of trust down the toilet. I'd ask him to leave in case I killed him. The total disregard for you as a person rather than just a prop in his sex life would be the end for me. If he doesn't get it, he never will. So sorry.

Twinklestein · 15/12/2013 13:21

Vivacia - you can't tell from a film or pic file what's on it. I'm sure the OP doesn't want to ditch photos & films of her kids, so someone is going to have to sift through them all. And I'm sure the OP will want to know whether there's any footage with her face.

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Totellthetruthornot · 15/12/2013 13:24

Finding how many are on pc or phone is pointless. They will have been downloaded and shared many times already.

MrsMangoBiscuit · 15/12/2013 13:26

I'm so sorry this has happened to you OP, what an utter bastard your OH is. :(

Have you asked him how he plans on dealing with it if your DC find them online when they're older?

Twinklestein · 15/12/2013 13:27

That's not the point, in the OP's situation I'd want to know the full extent of what I was actually dealing with.

Flip

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